I've known about my WW PA for about 5 months and have yet to tell her family (they live in another State) about it mainly because the hurt it would cause her but I can't help think that perhaps her Dad who is a devote catholic and a retired psychologist could talk her into working on our M. I know it would be a major LB, but I feel like I am running out of options and it's so hard to be patient and sit back and wait, being in limbo. We are separated and I'm feeling like out of site out of mind. What do you guys think and also how can I talk my WW into seing a MC or someone from MB on phone? thankS!

My H left in Aug. He never contacted his mother yet told his sisters. When I called his mother weeks after he left....he still had not called her. I was desperate...I thought that maybe should could have helped...yet, she did nothing. I spoke to an Aunt of his and she was shocked and then his very catholic Grandmother called me and said he has lost his mind and she hadn't talked to her in 6 months. I am the one who would say hey...call your mother...or grandmother. <p>Oof course this was before I saw anything on this sight. They do need to know...but I can't say what is best in your situation. My H has not come home and the OW has moved here from out of state to be with him. SHe brought her child with her. It gets sicker by the minute. I don't know what to do anymore. We are in the process of getting a divorce.....I still don't want one and I hate the idea that this is the route that we are taking. Since she has moved here....I feel like I have officially been declared the loser.<p>Do what you feel is best....tell them in a way that lets them know that you are concerned about her.<p>Good Luck!

My WS siblings know and despise what she is doing. However her Father(only living parent)knows nothing about any of this. Nor do I have any desire/need to tell him. <p> Thing is, if WS can throw away everything, me, kids, home, etc, why would I think her father could make any difference? He couldn't. It would only be a LBer on my part. <p> Now, she went out of her way to tell my family quite a few things. Which made it very difficult on me emotionally for awhile. It is difficult to tell ones family to mind their own business when they start pressuring you to end the marriage due to WS actions. However my family did realize I was right and now support my decision to keep fighting for my marriage. And they will support me if it ends as well.<p> jd<p>[ January 13, 2002: Message edited by: jdmac1 ]</p>

AA,<p>I thought that WH had told his family when he took kids to visit, before we moved from the east coast. So I said something to his sister in an e mail, she didn't know, he did not tell, so I asked her to not say anything to the rest of family and one way or another, her mother questioned her about something and she told, they chose not to tell his father, so he just found out before Christmas, (Apologised to me Christmas eve day that his son was treating me his wife, this poorly, and took the blame for it himself, as a family curse per say, none of his siblings are married to the orginial spouse, FIL & MIL married 42 years). So his family knows and he didn't have to face them with it!! That is why he didn't tell, he couldn't face up to what he is doing, he knows what he is doing is so wrong, wont listen to anyone, doesn't want to be told, doesn't take responsibility for the number of lives this is effecting. If I had to do it again I wouldn't tell. Why should I have had to take the responsibility for his family knowing?<p>My suggestion to you...if in laws call and WW is not there just say well I am not sure but if you try this number I think that that is where she is living now, I'll talk to your later. Don't let yourself get drug into a explaination, basically hang up after you've given no. That way she is responsible for telling her family and has to face the music per say!! And you didn't tattle!!<p>And again I tell you Patience!! I know it's hard. I shared that with you before!! But you can do it. Now is the time to work on you and like the person that you are becoming!! I liked myself before so have had a hard time with plan A, still would like to lose the weight, and will start working on that one soon!! <p>FEELING ALONE!!!!<p>You read this over and over to yourself....
I am not a loser...I am not a loser...I am not a loser...I am not a loser....I am not a loser...<p>I know your situation must be un bearable at times with OW in town, (I haven't had to deal with that)but you didn't lose. I am sorry that you must go through this.<p>Never think of yourself as losing or a loser!! Don't beat yourself up, there are other people that are going to try and do that for you, you need to be strong enough to fit them.<p>Best wishes,
Dawn

This is a real difficult thing to assess. There are so many variables and things to consider that there's no way one-size-fits-all. What I'm about to say is derived only from reading hundreds of posts over the months and not from any professional advice.<p>One sure bet, perhaps, is that if you KNEW your WS was gonna wake up and work on the marriage without family coercion, it would be advantageous the fewer people knew about the affair - especially family. Recovery would thus have one less obstacle.<p>Another predictable outcome of family knowledge is that the WS's family usually supports the WS with little long term support for the BS. Sad but true. Sure, early in the affair, WS family members that know will provide support to the BS, but over time, blood is thicker than mud.<p>The tough situations seem to be when separations occur and the respective families are informed because separations are hard to hide. This is when a LOT of misinformation can get handed out by the WS and stories can be "exaggerated" by the BS. Ever try to describe the actics of an alien abductee and be believed? <p>I have to agree with JD. The best position may be to not "recruit" WS family members. There's much more down side potential than up side. However, when questioned perhaps BSs should speak the truth and not shield WSs from the consequences of their decisions - which ultimately must include their family's knowledge of what happened if divorce is the result.

I told and it was a big mistake, blood is thicker than water. The family cannot change what their child... your spouse, is doing... it will only hurt the situation in the long run. DO not confide with your spouses relatives... not on their side... in fact better to keep it out of the family if at all possible.<p>HONEY

Well I didn't know about Marriage Builders at the time, but I told.<p>My H told his family that we were separated because of "irreconcilable differences". I told them that he was having an affair and he told them that I was crazy. Even in the face of repeated proof, he continued to deny it to them.<p>Finally, when I got my hands on roughly 30 emails between him and OW, I hired a lawyer (the content of these emails revealed a legal threat to me by the OW) and I gave them to his parents. I simply said, I love your son, but I feel that right now I must divorce him, and here's why.<p>The result was that they told him that they had read the emails. He came literally unglued - I thought his anger was bad before that...but boy oh boy. But the reason for his anger was that his lies had been exposed. His parents said to him that they loved him, but that his OW would never been accepted. And when he complained that they were too involved in my life, they said: Son, you are neglecting your responsibilties and it is harming our grandchildren. Someone has to take care of your disabled pregnant wife, and since you won't do it, we will, for their (your wife and kids) protection. We aren't taking sides, we simply object to your neglect of your responsiblities to them.<p>I'm glad I did. My inlaws basically took the stance that they loved their son, but they were on their grandchildren's side in the whole mess. They told their son that they did not agree or approve of what he was doing.<p>His OW hated that she couldn't be in my face or get their relationship legitimized. She LBd about it frequently.<p>It meant that my H had to choose btween her and his family and us on the holidays. <p>Harley says 6 months to 2 years after the affair hits the light of day. My H, in his mind, thought he was still doing everything in secret even though everyone knew what was going on. It wasn't until his parents had black and white proof that was undeniable and they basically took a very reasonable stand on it that his affair really took a dive.<p>His affair didn't last a year after his parents had proof that he couldn't deny.

No one in H's family or my family knows about the A. I don't feel it would be beneficial and he is working with me on the M. If it doesn't work out, eventually they will know. For my situation, having others know would probably be detrimental as their attitude about him would definitely change and I would have to deal with the fallout of that should be continue to reconcile. I already fought to get married to this man against all family concensus. I can't go the other way now. I still want him and the M to work.
Mikkey

thanks all, You're right, I've been patient and my wife has told me that I have been amazing throughout this whole sordid affair. Said what we had now in our relationship is rare after a PA like she has had. That makes me feel good in that in that she said my efforts have not gone unnoticed, but it torments me to give her all my love for the last 5 months and her not being able to return one sliver of it. I feel she still loves OM and is waiting for him to change his mind. You're right I can't do anything but work on myself and I'm keping busy with friends and my boys but it hurts to be unfairly judged by her family that have been a part of my life for 19 years. I suspect she'll never tell her sisters or her parents. No harm, no foul right? When does a WS truly become remorseful and recognize the harm that they have done to everyone? She no longer says bad things to be and we are amazingly amicable but she still isn't intrested in working on our M, talking to me about what and why the PA happened or seeing a MC. Thanks for your ears and thoughts. we just got back from a social event, boys party with soccer team and it's tough answering questions about why we are separated but I don't want to be an unsociable troll living his life under a bridge. Got game Face!

My family took my H in as if he was one of them, they have treated him as a third child. My H at one counseling session said that he was very sorry that this was going to hurt my parents and that he was afraid of how they would feel about him. (Didn't change his mind tho)<p>He was here for Christmas and my family invited him to gift opening Christmas Eve and Christmas dinner. He was very uncomfortable, my parents were nice and cordial...that is his problem.<p>Just thought that I would share, his family has invited me to bring the kids up to visit them and that they are retiring to FL instead of Puerto Rico, so that we would be able to visit. My in laws have been greet, actually better now then before. Interesting!!!<p>Dawn

As a WS, I told my own family...I felt it was my responsibilty to do so..but, they knew we were having problems for years..they were more surprised I'd waited so long than we actually
seperated..but then..it was mom's death bed wish
almost 7 years ago that I divorce him them..but I didn't..but looking back...I probably should have..then I wouldn't have been a WS..<p>But, I didn't tell his family he moved out..he was never here anyway..and when they wanted to talk to him they wouldn't call here..they'd call his cell phone..they didn't even call to talk to me or the kids..so why would that change??

We, BS, are scare b/c we care. We scare of LB'ed. This is not LB'ed. It is your obligation to tell her family. You have ask her hand for marriage and they trust you with it. When you know you might not be able to honor that down the road you better let them know. I wrote a letter to my FIL (MIL passed away) to state that I am not responsible no more for her daugther. I explain also what I am going to do, I love her and I will stick it out as long as humanly possible. It is the fact. Actually my BIL sort of suspect it already months before D-day.<p>It will make WW angry, yes. However if you use is as a threat then it is an LB'ed. It will take some LB$ out. If you use it as the above reason, she will be angry but you have your reason, not "for her" but "for you" !. She could live w/ it.<p>By not telling you agree with her A and protecting her A.<p>One or two LB is normal in plan A as long as it is not "repeat" offense or pattern.

I did tell my IL's and of course, the story got aroung to his brothers, cousins, etc. They were really amazing, rallied in support of me and our children. Some are very angry w/him, won't talk to him right now because of this. Others are not judgemental but have talked about responsibility to our childrens well-being and counseled to think long and hard about what he was doing.<p>My parents know, it all came apart before Christmas, too late for my folks not to come. They have been great, very cordial to my WH while letting him know that they felt that he was giving his family short shrift. He has been like another son to them and this has hurt them very much. (He feels bad about that, at least) F<p>Frankly, all the love and support from both sides of the family to me and my children have helped me alot to get over my own feelings of inadequacy and misplaced guilt. They recognize how often over the years I have been there for him, have been the bedrock of our marriage. The support is awesome. Still, for someone else, you have to have an idea of how your own family will react.
Also how forgiving they are of others mistakes, if things do work out between you. It's a difficult decision. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] firefly

Ok, I had to reply to this one..here is a point of view from a WS... NOOO NOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOO, do NOT tell their family! My H told his parents, thats rough enuff.... but I knew he needed to talk to them......but if he dared to tell MINE...well, I don't think I could handle that.<p>Believe me, it will only make things worse.... they will tell them on their own, in their own way...<p>I know that if my H had been the one to do this...I would NOT tell his parents...its just not my place to do that... <p>so, I can't emphasize enuff..... NOOOOOOOOO!!!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by ConfusedMom:
<strong>Believe me, it will only make things worse.... they will tell them on their own, in their own way...</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Yep, they (WS) sure will tell them in THEIR OWN WAY. (Alien translation: they will lie about it.)<p>I let my wife tell her family why she was moving out and I went from favorite son-in-law to ogre in a few minutes. I wasn't there, so I don't know what she said, but it wasn't anywhere near the truth.<p>I'll stand by my recommendation: don't blabber unsolicited about it, but if asked, answer honestly.

worthatry:<p>
Yep, they (WS) sure will tell them in THEIR OWN WAY. (Alien translation: they will lie about it.)<p>TR- This is an unfair statement..not all of us lie about it..I was honest and upfront about it with my family..was my family disappointed in me..and to be honest..they were upset I didn't just file for divorce..and be done with it..but, I didn't..
and they couldn't change that fact..as I stated before..they have known for years we've had many problems..and have even talked to him about that before they confronted him in love..about his drinking, he lived w/ my brother and his wife for over a year while he was working near them..and knew more about just how much he drank before I did..and they expressed their concern to him about it..they assumed I knew how much he was drinking so they didn't say anything to me..until later..but they did say something to my mom..and my sister..and that was 7 years ago..before my mom died..he was down there when she died..and they just couldn't believe he was gone when I was here w/ three small children and helping take care of my sick mother..with no emotional support..they lost all respect for him then..so they weren't surprised..just surprised that it took so long for me to 'see' what was going on..but,even that..I seen it..but didn't want to see it..kept telling myself..it was because he was gone..he was just lonely..he was just this..just that..and kept making excuses..and began thinking I was crazy..everytime I said something..he'd blame me..saying it was because You don't do this..you don't do that..it's been a long road..and I just wish I'd have listened to my mom back then..instead of trying to excuse his actions..

Fair enough, TR. I can believe that some WSs do tell their families the truth.<p>But you can also believe, can't you, that the more likely secenario for a WS separating from a faithful spouse is that they will lie to everyone if they lie to the spouse - including to their family?<p>WAT

To tell or not to tell, its going to have to come from within yourself, but be sure that if you do, you are 100% comfortable with the decision and are ready to handle what ever happens. Don't do it as an LB, but as part of your Plan A.<p>In my case, WS told her parents and S's about a month before DDay, I think to try and get some support from them, but it backfired big time. W's younger S even offered to fly down and kick W's a@@ for me. I tried to hide the truth from my dad and S for three months, but they knew that something was going on. I guess that is the thing about all of this, anyone who is close to the situation knows that something is terribly wrong. When I finally did tell, the amount of compassion and support that I have received is unbelievable. My dad, who was always very distant from us when we were kids, hugs me everytime I go to see him.<p>If we do rebuild our M, WS is going to have to do a lot of hard work to reconcile her relationship with both sides of the family (I wonder if WS's think about all of the negative aspects of an A when they are involved with the OP?). I make it a point to tell them that she isn't an evil or bad person, she just made a terrible mistake and doesn't know what to do now. I have even told my S about HNHN's and told her and her H to read it so that they don't fall into the same trap as we did.<p>I think WAT has a valid point about the unsolicited information. Now that you are seperated, I'm sure that the family wants to know exactly what happened. Irreconcilable differences to me is a cop-out, the truth needs to be told and both sides need to take responsibility for what they have done. If the family does support you, keep your distance from any judgements that they might put on your WS, don't get wrapped up in anything that can be viewed as an LB.

WELLLLL..........that pretty much pissed me off! they asked if it would be a major LB...and i said YESSSS, it would..... and you had to go and say we would lie about it.... whatever!!<p>hmmm, maybe you are an ogre??? do ya think????? or at least in your spouses eyes??? anyway... I do NOT recommend it....and I'm stickin to that one!

When my ex-H cheated with several women in the late 80's (seven years into our marriage), I went straight to his parents house, three kids in tow, and layed it out. I cried, looked like an idiot, and looked pretty much pathetic. <p>Would I do it again? In a heartbeat IF I THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP. Back then, I really did think it would help get our marriage back on track, and it did, kind of. His parents loved me (luckily) and stood beside me and helped where they could (like watching the kids so we could go out on a date). <p>Years later (13 years later to be exact), when it happened again, I did NOT go to them -- partially because I'd messed up myself the year before and had an affair, and partially because I had come here and read and realized it would be a HUGE LB.<p>I did tell my family EVERYTHING and he told his family whatever he told them (I seriously don't know)...<p>Take that for what you will...