I have written thousands upon thousands of words over the last (nearly) three years here... mostly about my self-loathing regarding the stupid, idiotic, pathetic, embarrassing, horrific, selfish affair I had.<p>Although I think that the WS's who have written, have (for the most part) done so with grace and remorse, I think that unless someone has been a BS, they have no idea of the inflicted pain. (I do understand that some, like Bernzini I believe, have been on both sides, like me). <p>I could write and write and write on this subject, and maybe it would give some insight to a BS, but I think for the most part, the anatomy of an affair is simple: selfishness.<p>There is no reason good enough to have an affair - even if you didn't "mean it to happen" or "tried not to have it happen" or "it just happened"... there is a point where it crosses over (and unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) I remember that moment with clarity.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by SOW22MM:
<strong>Conqueror,
I can honestly say that my MM's marital status had no influence in my choosing to become sexually involved w/ them. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>S, I didn't get the impression that you were particularly motivated that way, didn't mean to imply that; your post just happened to remind me of what my relative told me, so I just inserted that along with the rest of my post. When he told me that, I actually thought it was logical reasoning if all a person was looking for was a sex partner and didn't want to use condoms and dental dams and all that.<p>Also, the part of your post I quoted reminded me of one of my H's dumbest claims. He claimed that he didn't care about what he was doing because he was planning to leave me for her. AND after about a 1-2 month overlap, he quit having sex with me. SO why on earth would he be using condoms as he claims? Just makes no sense.<p>Your post made sense. If he ever used condoms at all, it obviously went by the wayside along the way BEFORE he quit having sex with me since we both ended up testing positive for Chlamydia, and my last partner before him was more than 10 years prior, before I met my H.<p>Mainly I was concurring with your observation that the STD and pregnancy issues don't seem to occur to MM. When I questioned my H about the possibility of the OW being pregnant, the shock on his face made it perfectly clear that the thought of that consequence had NEVER crossed his mind, and he looked scared to death as it dawned on him.<p>As my mother says, They're thinking with the wrong head. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ January 17, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

SOW22MM,<p>I too am curious as to why you are here on MB as this is a site for those who are building their marriages. You obviously are not doing that. Instead you are involved in distroying marriages. Just curious? Does the MM's wife post here?

To KalGrl and Zorweb,
Hi! First let me say I come in peace and in no way am here to mock anyone. No, his W does not post here (atleast I doubt it) they do not own a pc. I came here really to get a question answered (see new thread) from the BS' perspective. I also feel there is no reason why OW and BS can not learn from one another so long as mutual respect is afforded. No, I do not take a perverse pleasure in anyone's pain. Nor, would I say I am "proud" of being involved in a relationship in another woman's H. I generally post on another board and have heard horror stories about how hateful everyone is to the OW who post here. However, I choose to think for myself and form my own opinions. I honestly did not believe I would be treated harshly solely based on my status of being the OW. Thus far I must say no one has been especially hurtful in their responses. We are all adults and this is the general questions board and from my understanding all views (so long as not vicious etc.) were welcome. If you review every post I made (and are objective) I believe you will see I am in no way here to hurt anyone. That is not the type of person I am. Does my status as OW automatically eliminate me as having anything worthwhile to offer to someone here in pain???

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by SOW22MM:
<strong>He swears he loves me. He claims me to coworkers etc. He calls, emails daily, and he meets all my needs for intimacy. So, why would he lie? </strong><hr></blockquote><p>The simple answer is because that is what WSs do.<p>He could be telling you what he thinks you want to hear regardless of what you may be saying to him about it not mattering. He may think it's some kind of a test. WSs are notorious for this sort of thing. They are usually doing the same thing to the OP that they are doing to the BS: Lying and being manipulative.<p>And because they are doing it constantly, they project this onto those they interact with, so he may suspect your assertion that it doesn't matter to you is manipulative. And it may be that it gratifies his ego to believe that you are madly in love with him, have a major emotional investment in him, so that would make it hard for him to believe you could possibly be so casual about it. He may think that what you're really doing is asking for reassurance.<p>Have you read Emerald's MM translator at Gloryb.com?<p>[ January 17, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

Conqueror,
Sadly, you are most likely right. After all, I know he lies to her, so why not me too. I have read the MM translator - so true. Could add a few of my own. Thus far your replies have been fair, could you please respond to my thread - ? to BS. Thanx.

Heres the thing OW this is MARRIAGEBUILDERS. It is for married BS/WS who want to recover their marriages. This is not a board for ANYONE involved in infidelity it is specifically for those who are married. There is site called infidelity.com which has unmarried/BS/WS/OP posting. Also drbalternatives.com is another that you might try. But after reading your story on the other thread you will probably get pretty much the same responses there as you did here.

First of all, I never said the ws should tell the bs the op was smart, attractive,etc, and yes, I think when the a is first found out, the ws says whatever they think the bs wants to hear esp if it is a sexual affair. If he was upfront with her
and let her know what he only wanted sex and {there are some women that believe they can make a guy fall for them through sex}, and she agreed,
thats just what she gets for having an affair with a mm to begin with. By the way, I have been reading this site since 1998.

I personally am glad to read posts by repentant OW/OMs, but do not want to hear from an OW who is still active in their affair and not willing to give it up. What could you possibly have to tell me that is of any interest? How could you give me information that will help my marriage? I don't want to understand what an OW thinks, or how she feels, or the issues she struggles with. I certainly don't want to read her justifications. If I want that I can go visit gloryb.com. I'm having a bad day, and feel very upset at reading these posts by OW.<p>Evensong

I stand by my idea that when one knows that he has screwed up and understands why, how and who he hurt, and this person has the full intention to make amends and rectify the things that he has done, that he should be FORGIVEN, which is an on-going process in life.<p>Okay, the guy slept with a lady who wanted it. Sounds to me as if she didn't exactly have her legs crossed. That's bad. They were both married. That's really bad. But what I hear is that he is sorry and trying to fix things--I didn't get the message that he was blaming her--or else, why would he post? To tattle-tale on his OW? Seems like a lot of enegery wasted just to do that. I hear a lot of genuine regret coming from the person that started this thread, as I was a former WS and indeed recognize this.<p>Amazed, go to your medicine cabinent and find the bottle marked "Chill Pill."

Yeah, you're right, New Beginning. No matter how much you may sugar-coat the word, when it comes right out of it, and affair is born of selfishness. You may not think that you are being selfish at the time. It might be years before you understand that you were just doing what you felt like doing and what gave you jollies. But that's what it is.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by SOW22MM:
<strong>...I honestly did not believe I would be treated harshly solely based on my status of being the OW...Does my status as OW automatically eliminate me as having anything worthwhile to offer to someone here in pain???</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Dear SOW22MM,
Let me just ask for example, if you could picture a person's emotional state who was ever bitten by a snake or a dog and severely injured as a result. It wouldn't matter if it was today or yesterday or 10 years ago. Now try to imagine their emotional state if they encountered another snake or dog similar to the one that bit them before?<p>I'm not calling OPs snakes nor dogs, but just trying to think of an example that could give you a more dramatic picture to clarify the definition of "pain." With infidelity, the pain is relative to one's perspective. OP pain is not equal to BS pain and WS pain is not equal to OC pain. But pain is pain right? WRONG. Sure, infidelity is painful, but not comparable on all sides and never can be. Do you treat a 3rd degree burn the same as you would a broken ankle? Come on, now...<p>UNLESS you are the person who was maimed by the dog, or put into a coma by the poisonous snake, you really couldn't possibly understand their mistrust of dogs or snakes after the fact, right? Even friendly or non-poisonous ones... [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>So as a responsible adult, surely you can understand why betrayed spouses whose marriages have been maimed by affairs, would hesitate to embrace OPs with open arms, regardless of their intentions.

SOW22MM, Please find another place to ask your questions and feed your curiosity, While your intentions may not be to hurt here, have been involved with 2 married men, 1 currently. You ARE hurting any BS who reads this simply by your presence. This site is for those who are trying to rebuild their marriages, NOT those who have some sort of sick curiosity about the pain involved in doing so. Have a nice day. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

Why would a man lie to his wife and not the ow? If he is in an affair I can guarantee you, 100% he is lying to you.<p>Why rock the boat. If all you need is a few words spoken to you, then he will say them. <p>You have been in two affairs, you say they started at the office. If you are in therapy, you will learn that affairs start in lots of places, but opportunity is the main reason they get started. Drinking, workplace, it doesn't make a difference, it all come down to opportunity. And yes, in my case at least, it was easier to just go with the flow. <p>If he wanted out of the marriage he would. If you are still a secret, then your affair is no different then mine. Being a dirty little secret isn't that great is it?