I know OW's name, birthday, address, phone number. Anybody has any idea how to find her parents address/phone number? She usually calls long distance using calling card. <p>I am thinking to inform her parents what is going on. Her family has been very close to her and should put pressure on her since she is having an affair with a man with two little kids.<p>My H is fence-sitting for a year.

yikes!!!<p>i feel like dr. laura for some wierd reason, the problem with doing that is your opening a can of worms for yourself..<p>who do you think your H will feel sorry for when all hell breaks loose on her end? do you think he will believe you had the right? Youer problem is with your H, not this chippy specifically. how are you handling that end of the problem? and what about you whats going on with you? taht hass allowed you to let him sit on the fence for a year?!!<p>so sorry your dealing with this but be careful there your about to cause a problem, not only for her, but for you...

Whoa!<p>If you did that, it just might be what it took to push him over the fence...to OW's side!<p>Please don't do it...I'm not wise enough to really give a good explanation as to why, but I know it would be bad, bad, BAD [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I guess the jist of it is that it would be a huge LB to a fence sitting WS...and LB's are the last thing you need right now!

ontrack,
First, I am sorry that you are in pain and that your H is unwilling to make a choice. However, as an OW myself, I must say in no way would my parents be able to dissuade me from continuing w/ my relationship to MM. I would suggest you use your energy to focus on you and making your life better with or without your H. JMHO

It's so funny that the responses not to tell always come from WS/OP. Wonder why that is?<p>[ January 16, 2002: Message edited by: KalGrl ]</p>

eeeeek, double post [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ January 16, 2002: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by KalGrl:
<strong>It's so funny that the responses not to tell always come from WS/OP. Wonder why that is?<p>[ January 16, 2002: Message edited by: KalGrl ]</strong><hr></blockquote><p>how about beacuse they understand what might result in the mind of a WS? <p>how about because they feel obligate to help other BS overcome what their BS may not be able to.<p>how about because they happened to get here first<p>what exactly is your point? she wasnt calling to tell the OP spouse, children or fiance' shes call her parents! who exactly is she hurting? <p>maybe she's interested int the psyci of the WS and how her actions would be interpreted or how other WS would have reacted.<p>funny how the only person who didnt offer an opinon was a BS.<p>what was it you thought you were construtively offering her? another way to be pissed off at WS's? wonderful!

I'm very sorry for your pain as well... and have been there... my ex-H cheated many times...<p>I have been on both sides (both WS and BS) and I don't think this is a good idea for this reason:<p>Where does the "telling" stop? Do you tell her job, her church... you know what I mean... because let's face it... as the W (and I've been there) you only look pathetic (in your H's eyes) when you begin doing things like this... <p>It's a HUGE lovebuster (LB)...<p>Be very careful...<p>[ January 16, 2002: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</p>

I just don't think it is a good idea because the OW is grown and is free to make her own choices. I doubt her parents will have any influence over her whatsoever. Instead, why not take issues w/ your H. If you can't get him to stop and this is your spouse - the one who promised to love, honor, and cherish you etc. etc. If you can't influence him to stop EMR, what in the world would make you think her parents would influence her to quit. Besides, wouldn't you rather it be him, your H, that took a stand and ended EMR. Then you know he CHOSE you and has not just curtailed his outside activities because the OW broke it off.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by KalGrl:
<strong>It's so funny that the responses not to tell always come from WS/OP. Wonder why that is?<p>[ January 16, 2002: Message edited by: KalGrl ]</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Ummm...what Chaz said

Ontrack - to find the OW parents phone # is pretty easy. I just looked into this with a investigator a couple of days ago. All you need is their name and address if possible, not necessary. Their approximate age. They get it through New York, and it will cost $250.00. If I were you, I would get an investigator, they may give you some positive advice on what to do. I happen to find one by going through a phone book in the area. <p>This investigator talked to me about the implications that could happen with the information we wanted to dispel to the H of the OW. This is hard stuff to deal with, I know you are in extreme pain. There is no other pain so like what you are experiencing. Do talk to an investigator.<p>Also, the WS would like the BS of his/her lover to know, so the chances of the BS kicking out their WS is greater. I feel the WS wants the BS WS(lover) to get set free so the WS can go gather the other WS and live a sinful life. Hey why not, they had the fun, the sex, the money spent, and they think this is the most wonderful person in the world. Even though they haven't experienced the real life strategies, they think this person is the utmost best fitting person in the world. My H feels the OW is a fitting, like a hand and glove. He still doesn't talk negative about her, but about me the BS I am talked about negatively. It is normal, he didn't live with her to find the real her, I can tell you that she is a big time manipulator, and threatened me with suicide if my H and I were to tell her H. But there is the chance that if you tell, the WS will go for their lover with full force. They weren't worth it then, and that is a good reason for separation. Also, look at their past with an investigator, they may have had another sexual affair, and it just makes the attorney more favorable for you. This is my case, the other woman has had another physical affair, and possibly a third. I most likely would win, according to the investigator. The OW has a sinful lust for men, since her H doesn't give what she wants. She had no inhibitions with my H, she did it all, everything possible, (she has had a lot of experience her life in college and more) I would love to have had it taped, to show her H and the court. I know I am venting, but I need to vent. This is better here then at home.<p>[ January 16, 2002: Message edited by: thinker ]<p>[ January 16, 2002: Message edited by: thinker ]</p>

Well, as the ws I have no philosophic issues with telling other folks, nor would I not do so because of great fear re the ws response. Personally I think the bs are generally Waaaayyyyyy to afraid of irritating a ws. The fact is an affair is a public issue, everyone has a right to know. We (all of us) are indeed influenced and subject to peer pressure, I say if you truly think it is helpful (and not vindictive or vengeful) by all means tell...can't hurt. If ws gets mad and leaves you they would have anyways, or are a major loser, don't give it a thought.

snl,
Once again, we find ourselves on opposite sides of the tracks! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I would most definitely NOT involve the OW's parents. She is a grown up, as is your WS---and they make their own decisions. She already knows what her parents would think of her behavior. And your H knows that he has 2 kids at home. I think this would be one big ole nail in the coffin for your marriage.

well dallas, this thread kinda slipped into another philosophic area I have, in general I do not believe much in secrecy and personal business....I think we would all be far better served morally and ethically living in a fishbowl, and knowing each others business....however, since we have evildoers among us who would use our "personal" stuff against us, we do need privacy. As for grownups, I know very few, and I do not subscribe to the notion chronological age = grown up. In addition tough love principles apply throughout your lifetime, a parent always has an obligation to exert pressure on wayward children...to that end it is appropriate for a parent to exert significant pressure on an adult child exercising poor judgement...be it criminally, ethically, morally....if a parent is not going to hold them accountable why should anyone else? And the adult child is obligated to respect and obey their parents throughout life (Christian doctrine, and good secular psychology as well). When it comes to social interactions (and what could be more social than affairs, it is EVERYBODY'S business...why? Easy, cause it affects all of us... There is no way for anyone to make an affair only about the 2 people involved, it spills over everywhere, and that makes all affairs everybody's business, it is one of the prices we pay for a civilized society.

I have to agree with snl. People need to understand that there are real consequences to their actions. I know that what is proposed is contrary to the Plan A thing but it's how the real world works. <p>My story can be found on the GQII board. I pushed too hard on my wife, possibly making her lose her OM as well lost her in the process. She's even angry for me for being honest with her mother. She has the audacity to expect ME to cover up her affair. When I spoke to her last night she asked if I had told her Mom she was at the OMs house. I did of course, I'm not going to make them believe that we're getting divorced because I couldn't deal with the problems and walked out.<p>Moral of the story is that bad decisions result in bad consequences. I wish it were not so and I wish I had the patience and fortitude to deal with it like some of you folks have. I need to salvage some of my own self esteem and strength though and to let her see him and not make a stand would tear down what little I have left.

Well, I agree that an affair affects many people and should therefore be known to the people it affects. <p>But I also agree that a BS telling the OP's parents will only backfire. The OP is a grown person acting on their own. It is doubtful that a parent can talk their grown child out of an affair. Since when do grown children listen to their parents?<p>If on the other hand, the OP's parents were to find out from a source other then the BS. Well then it cannot back fire on the BS since they were not responsible for the disclosure.<p>A PI is probably your best choice here. It may not be easy to find her parents as I doubt there is a public DB listing this.

I think things like that can easily backfire, depending on the situation and the WS. You might be wrong and the parents might accept everything their dear daughter is doing and YOU will be the bad guy. I wouuldn't have done this. Unless of course H and I had divorced over it. Then I would have sent out mass mailings lol. I do know a situation in which this happened though so I'll share it -
MM was 34, pregnant wife, 2 year old child, worked a very low level blue collar job.
OW was 21, college student, wealthy "country club" type parents.
W suspected MM of cheating. He denied of course. W's mother hired a PI. One night MM came home, wife asked him about cheating again. More denials. W then proceeded to name the OW and start rattling off dates & places. She then placed an envelope full of photos, info about the OW and a detailed activity list in front of MM. Unknown to MM, at around the same time the OW's parents were recieving by messenger the same envelope (sent by MIL) that also included a letter from MIL informing the parents of pertinent information about MM (like that he was married, had a pregnant wife & a small child etc). OW's parents freaked out. Now I don't know if they freaked out that he was married, had kids, was much older, had a crummy job, or a combination of things, but her parents were NOT happy. They basically made her (they were paying for her expensive school) write a letter of apology to the W, promising to stay away from MM. Of course she tried to get MM to meet her in a hotel the very next day. I think there were afew more brief meetings, but it quickly fizzled out. Afew months later MM had another OW. Wife kicked him out and filed for divorce. He married that OW (he had to have someone to take care of him) and cheated on her too.

ontrack,
At the risk of sounding redundant you have yet to answer the following:<p>Besides, wouldn't you rather it be him, your H, that took a stand and ended EMR. Then you know he CHOSE you and has not just curtailed his outside activities because the OW broke it off. <p>Just curious. Even if her parents were able to convince her to call EMR off, H has still failed to do so for you. Thus you will never feel comfortable w/ his level of committment to you. In my opinion this is as bad as an OW who would stoop so low as to inform the W in hopes that W will throw him out and then he will come to her. Both are pathetic, weak attempts to "win" the man - by default, who in reality is no prize at all.

Okay, I'm gonna be sorry, I'm sure... but I'd like to ask something here, as someone who had a very short affair (and also understands the side of the BS with a H who cheated multiple times):<p>How much punishment is enough punishment for someone who did the unthinkable (in my case, that would be an affair) and has begged the spouse, God, the SO of the OP, and self for forgiveness?<p>Does it help anyone to announce it to anyone who will listen? Will *I* be forever labeled with a scarlet letter? I hate who I was enough; and it so happens that I told my parents and family (even my then-88 year old grandmother)... but that's not enough for ya'll... you'd take out a billboard?<p>I have been the BS many times over, and nothing irks me more than an unrepentent WS -- but my GOD -- this frightens me...

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by new_beginning:
<strong><p>How much punishment is enough punishment for someone who did the unthinkable (in my case, that would be an affair) and has begged the spouse, God, the SO of the OP, and self for forgiveness?
</strong><hr></blockquote><p> I don't think a repentant OP who has asked for forgiveness (real forgiveness, not phony) from the other people who were hurt would find him/herself in the position to have to worry too much about something like this happening.