I would have to say "NO"......but then why sould I take my H back if he decided to come home? You need to listen to your gut. Don't listen to the excuse on why there was an A... I don't think that there is a reason that anyone would have one. It's a bad choice! <p>Take your time in this relationship!
Good luck!

Would I marry my husband again? Yeah, but things would be different.<p>A former WS--not necessarily my husband? Depends.<p>I was a WS in my former marriage, and he knew it. I was honest with him. And he distrusted the heck out of me. It made me insane the way he distrusted me. It made our marriage miserable.<p>Now the roles are reversed--he was the WS four years ago in our marriage, and I distrust him. Trying not to, but I do.<p>If we were both single people again, dating, yeah, I think that I would be quite distrustful and wary of him knowing that he had the potential to cheat. It's only human nature to protect yourself.

Elad, I doubt most here are trying to get back the WS. Careful with the generalizations!
Aloha, cl

NO, NO, No, Did I say NO? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Pay attention to the parties answering your question...<p>...they may be right, they may be wrong...but they're hardly unbiased. It's ultimately up to you...do you feel comfortable? Can the two of you effectively work through conflicts? If not, it's a bad sign...but nothing that couldn't be worked through with sincere effort.<p>It's your relationship...take responsibility for it.

OK, and here is yet another view.
I am 46, BS in first marriage..afraid to commit so been in a long term relationship for more than a decade..and here as a BS again...Time for ME to learn a few things!<p>My partner is 61, was WS and BS multiple times in his first marriage of over 25 years, and WS in our relationship. <p>I'll be honest with you..I thought long and hard with his history..is this guy a sex addict? Or has having and A become a response to some personal unhappiness and poor relationship coping skills.<p>He had been through MC many times..totalling over 4 years in his first marriage...no big changes....so no real wonder he had an A when things got rough between us...not an excuse..but a big reason.<p>Why would I and am I considering marriage now when even 2 years ago I wouldn't? Mostly because of seeing changes I've seen in the last 6-8 months...handling different problems in a more forthright manner, looking at previous relationships and assuming responsibility now..where before it was all about blame,( the fat beer drinker story sounds familiar!). He is also developing the ability to step outside his needs and consider someone else's. We have steps forwards and back...but we're stepping together.<p>This has not been easy...a lot of work for him and me..and many, including family have berated me for working so hard on these problems with him...funny how no one advises me to leave my kids because they have become "too hard'.<p>Anyway, that's when love becomes wonderful..when you can continue to help and support each other when it's too hard. When you can see the good and believe in it even though the bad is on display.<p>So, after all that, if he is willing to get some counselling, maybe work through some MB stuff with you...then I think it could work out OK...but, that gut feeling SnL describes...listen to it also.
T

katrina74,<p>The knee jerk, reactive answer is NO!!!!<p>But, there is really more to consider. We never know who is or is not going to be a WS. The future cannot be predicted. The only thing we can do is to try to pick someone who we believe ‘gets it’ and will not cheat.<p>My XH was a serial adulterer. It is a situation I wanted to avoid at all costs. My new H was a BS in his previous two marriages. Both of his ex’s left him for their OM. Since he’d been a BS twice over I thought for certain he would never, ever cheat. If you look at my profile below, you will see that even that is no assurance.<p>The difference between my XH and my current H is that my XH was a serial cheater who felt entitled. “There are no guarantees.”, “All men cheat.”, and so on. The conversation you had with our bf could have been one my XH and I had. He told me many of the same things before and after we married. And he was cheating all the while. We are no longer together because he has a belief system that allows him to justify his cheating.<p>My current H did cheat, but I do not believe it is his character. We got involved too soon after the end of his previous marriage. He was still hurting and as it turns out was acting out. Many people behave rather badly after a divorce.. it’s an ill conceived way to try to make the pain go away. I think of him as a man who fell from grace with himself. He actually has a very strong belief system that does not accept the idea of adultery. So his actions were against his basic beliefs. Today he still suffers bouts of pain for what he did. I imagine he always will. I am still married to him because I believe this was a once in a life time acting out that had nothing to do with me or our relationship. We have now rebuilt our relationship based on the MB principles and are in a very good recovery.<p>So, here is my 2 cents to you…. If you really care for this man then really find out who he is and what he is made of BEFORE you marry him. Sounds like you have already started to do this. <p>Good for you. As I said earlier, the things he has told you really bother me. But then again they sound like popular tripe. Perhaps, like many of us, he has never been taught want marriage is about and how to have a long term relationship that maintains it’s passion. After all, no one teaches Marriage 101. If I were out to get married again (God forbid) I would ask my fiancé to spend a year with me studying MB and implementing it in our lives. I would ask him to attend marriage building seminars with me. There are other books I would want to work through with him too… like Dr. Viscott’s book “I Love You, Let’s Work it out”. If you search on amazon.com for ‘conversation starters’ you will get a list of books that have questions. There are some there that have questions to ask of a lover/fiancé. One in particular is “the hard questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say “I Do”. <p>Another book I recommend is “Building the House of Marriage”. It discusses the practical things.. like how to manage money in a marriage in a manner that avoids the typical money issues that cause problems. What is spousal loyalty and how to pull it off. It’s a great book. This book was one of the final straws in my previous marriage. <p>I read it and thought it was a wonder model. My H then read it at my request (the only book he ever read at my request). After he was done it was obvious that the book scared the begeebees out of him. His remark was that the book talked about a model or marriage that was too foreign to him and he refused to live that way. After 20 years of being together, 14 of those married, it became clear that our basic concept of marriage was very different. His idea of how to manage money in a marriage was that he kept is all in an account in his name only. And I gave him everything I earned. Well…. In my world only joint finances are acceptable. <p>If your bf will do all of this. If he will learn, with you, how to have a passionate, successful marriage. If he comes to realize that there is a guarantee in marriage and that both spouses have to live up to it. Not all marriages are worth saving. Sometimes it is true that people make wrong choices. But the guarantee is that, no matter what happens between you. No matter if one of you eventually decides to move on, you will both always treat each other kindly and with respect. Affairs are never acceptable, period. <p>The goal of a good marriage is to live up to it’s vow’s, weather the good and the bad together, love each other (even when you want to brain each other), and always treat each other with the utmost respect and kindness.<p>If he will work this hard with you on building a healthy relationship, then you can be reasonably assured (as reasonable as anyone can be) that his affair in his previous marriage was an incident, not a trend.<p>This is what my H and I are doing. We have learned so much, grown so much as individuals and as a couple through this terrible experience. We now know how to make a marriage work… really work. If either of us has an affair after this then there would be no excuses, I am sure we would end our marriage without trying anymore. If we are doing everything that is humanly possible, and the other cheats, then what more can we do to affair proof our marriage? NOTHING. So it would be the end. <p>Hope this helps.