I don't think that you should have to edit--we are all adults here. <p>I understand what you are going through, you are shocked and need to talk about it.<p>You, like most decent people, have always equated sex with love. It hurts so bad when you discover that some people, like the man you loved, didn't quite see it that way. What a tragedy.

well ok, if it is therapeutic, I'll read with my hands over my eyes I guess [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

From the 3 that I have perused, it doesn't appear my H is in them, but there is one where it looks like OW BIG TIME. <p>I'm pretty sure theses are home made porns. They're not good quality in terms of the actors. Is that what you call them? The people look like everyday normal people. Their bodies are not stellar or cut or anything, like I would have imagined. Only one female looks to have implants. Most the scenarios take place in a not well decorated house. <p>There is one where there is a female that looks to be approx 14 or 15 with an African American male. Very disturbing because of her age. Could this tape be illegal due to her age?
Berni?<p>Jo

could be illeagle (and is if she is under age), turn it over to the cops (doing your civic duty) and let H explain it all to the po-lice...ya know?

Well, yes, I know the legal age of consent in WA is 16, right? But you don't know who the girl is, or really, how old she is.<p>I know that there is an FBI task force that targets child pornography and the sexual encounter recorded may be of some interest as a reference. You never know. I would ask if the tape might be of use--but, for the most part, what people do in their own homes, outside of abusing children, is still their own business. And sadly, this kind of stuff is no longer that unusual. <p>This is a suspected fourteen year old involved in an orgy with adults? Lovely.<p>You can't help but think of your own kids when you see things like this--young people who should be enjoying life being used up for perversion. To think that one of my daughters or my little son would be taken by an adult and destroyed in this matter is horrifying. I can't imagine the sick mind that would think that this is normal human behavior.

Resilient,<p>This garbage you found has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with who he is.
He married you because you fit the better side of him. You were the side that he did not have to hide in boxes, deep in closets. Take some comfort in that. Unfortunately he was not able to rid himself of the deep, dark side. It is a tragedy. This is why I don’t like the porn industry. There is always something more vial step a person can progress to.<p>For my ex it was photos of him and other women. He had them hidden all over the place. He kept moving them thinking I would not find them. You want to hear something even sicker. When his father died, he found that his dad had a stash of the same type of photos of the women he dated. Some of them were family friends. Well my XH kept those photos. Added the to his collection. Seemed very creepy to me.<p>THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU.<p>As for what to do with them?<p>Mail them directly to his house, but addressed to her. Include a note saying that you found them in his stuff when you were packing. Thought she could surprise him with a little ‘party’ for them that evening. …… Well, you did say you were looking for a way to get her to LB.<p>Otherwise, just pack them like everything else. Except put a note in the box saying that now that you have found this it explains a lot about your marriage and him. Tell him he has been totally out’ed to you and there is no more denying it.<p>[ January 19, 2002: Message edited by: zorweb ]</p>

Oh no, if they appear to have children in them, then turn the lot over to the police. Don't look any further. It will only distrube you more. Let the police take care of it.<p>They have people who will watch them and decide if there is anything illegal about their content and if any children were abused.<p>If you have even the slightest suspisions do this.

Jo - you are the normal one. Please try to rise above this filth. The is no explanation that will take the pain away. We'll help you get past it. <p>Hugs to you,
Dave

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Are all men like this?<hr></blockquote><p>I think it quite likely that most male WS's are like this - possibly not always the child porn or the homosexual porn, but the other stuff. I would be curious to see how many of the female BS's here would say that their H's were interested in hard core porn - things like these movies - considerably beyond Playboy.

I'm just really sad about this. I knew my x-H liked exploration but I really had no idea to this degree. <p>So many things make sense now. OW's paged msgs were a big clue but now I know for a fact. <p>It's best we are no longer together, I'm not wired for this stuff. <p>Past shock and just pretty sad.<p>Jo

Jo,
It is sad...and makes me nauseated. I discovered some in the basement with all my H's momentos from the AF. What a guy...so much integrity. <p>You know, I was married to his better side...that could be there...but he also had this course, raunchy side and it reared its ugly head off and on throughout our marriage.<p>It gives me the shivers now to think about it. I think the more he watched that stuff too--the worse it got. And it was no where near like something I would like to experience. I don't even like HBO anymore!! Makes me wonder who this wonder girl is now. Yuck!!!! I always just threw that stuff out. It used to make him mad tho--and we had plenty of heated discussions over it. I think once you view that stuff--it really warps you views on what is and is not normal sexual relations. Just my thoughts on it. <p>I think I would mail them to her. Just say it is some of your exH belongings...let her deal with it.

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 09:34 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

*Sigh* I am so sorry Resilient!<p>At least my WS was clever enough to delete all the porn he downloaded from the internet before I could actually go find it myself. WHat made me mad is that he'd act self righteous about people that watched porn and would call them sick and degenerated or desperate [censored].<p>Sometimes this man really can make me want to vomit. Is that all men have to do stuff like this?
Granted, I have watched some Playboy TV, twas included with my subscription to satelite and I wanted to know what was all the fuss, why guys would have to hide it away you know? For me it was actually hillarious, I watched it about 5 times laughed, then turned it to another channel.<p>My WH seems to have some fetish with older women too, very much older than him I might add, but he is 7 years my senior, go figure.<p>*Sigh*

jo - is it possible there's a silver lining in this black cloud?<p>Can you view your discovery as verification that he is not right for you and thus, help you let him go?<p>Dave

Jo,
I know nothing of your story, but I know you have given me good insights & for that I am indebted to you in your time of need here.<p>Going to the police? That sounds really scarey!
I assume it does not matter to you if this is a LB. The fact that you could be helping a teen is a very good reason & that puts some burden on you to follow through morally.
It could of course cause a major disruption in his life. As you know, dependinding on his involvement, it could even lead to incarcination.
This could actually ultimately be of benefit for him. As I stated before, if he has sexaul addiction issues, bringing this out into the open may force him to come to gripes with his unnatural lustful attitudes!
I believe my DW suffers from a condition of Sexual Addiction. It sounds so terrible & the few people, friends of ours that know of her escapades, don't really believe she has this condition -- I believe primarily because they know her & that she appears to be a very nice, warm and caring person -- not a bad person. That is the point, she is a sick person, not a bad person. But as long as she does not have to face that reality, her condition is not changed. She may be able to resist temptation for a period of time, but if left unchecked, it is only a time before she will "act out" again.
I go to a 12 step support group for S's & family members of SA -- just like alonon -- this is S-anon. If you just look at the facts of my DW's sexual history, and take her personality & very pleasant impressions she gives, there would be little doubt that she has major issues. Understanding my story, there is no doubt in my primary support guy's mind, that there is no question that she has this condition -- it is like an illness. Most people do not understand all of the implication of this & most people find it difficult to believe of such an illness.
The general population looks at issues of SA today much like people saw Alcohalism in the 40's & 50's -- person is weak & low moral chactor kind of thing -- they can control it if they were stronger.
My point is that like any addiction, it makes for a dysfunctional relationship -- we, as co-dependents" are also "sick" in a sense -- Not healthy -- we need to learn different coping skills as well.
In my case my DW is definately in denial - she will have to hit a really low point to have motivation to change or seek help -- otherwise, their sexual fantascies and actions are a way for them to cope; they don't really want to change -- actuially no different than Cocaine addict -- just a different drug of choice.
A key here is that, "we did not create the problem, we can't control it & we can't cure it"
A have a fellow support group person who's H is going to jail for 3 years becasue of some kind of sexual internet, luring kind of thing -- she is devasted of course, but there is some hope now, because he not in denial & seems comitted to a recovery process. This is the point that may ultimately be in your XH's best interest.
Hope you are hangin in!
Thoughts & prayers are with you!
HH
If you want more info on SA and or support group, my email: bhurrican@hotmail.com

Great post from Hurrian Hoosier!<p>What my SO and I have been learning in therapy etc. re:SA might help here.<p>First NOT ALL MEN do this. Even men who are into porn aren't all into super Hard Core stuff. Look foreward to a relationship with a man who isn't like your exH!!!!!<p>Second, it wasn't you that wasn't enough and the 28 yr old isn't either. When a SA focuses on porn he starts to lose interest in sex with real women. He may be able to have sex with prostitutes, but he isn't directly deriving the pleasure from the women. The images are the stimulus, not physical contact. Arousal based on love and emotional closeness become less possible. No live woman could be right for him now. Women no longer sexually excite him only images bring him to arousal. So never think you weren't enough.<p>When a guy who occasionaly uses soft core porn gets the chance to be with his W, the W is definately what he prefers. If porn is taking the place of sex with the W or decreasing the quality of the sex for the W or the H, there may be a SA problem.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Willing_To_Work:
<strong>Great post from Hurrian Hoosier!<p>What my SO and I have been learning in therapy etc. re:SA might help here.<p>First NOT ALL MEN do this. Even men who are into porn aren't all into super Hard Core stuff. Look foreward to a relationship with a man who isn't like your exH!!!!!<p>Second, it wasn't you that wasn't enough and the 28 yr old isn't either. When a SA focuses on porn he starts to lose interest in sex with real women. He may be able to have sex with prostitutes, but he isn't directly deriving the pleasure from the women. The images are the stimulus, not physical contact. Arousal based on love and emotional closeness become less possible. No live woman could be right for him now. Women no longer sexually excite him only images bring him to arousal. So never think you weren't enough.<p>When a guy who occasionaly uses soft core porn gets the chance to be with his W, the W is definately what he prefers. If porn is taking the place of sex with the W or decreasing the quality of the sex for the W or the H, there may be a SA problem.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>This does help me, WTW. And what HH said also has made this easier to sort out. <p>My x-H's OW is not 28 years old, she is 44. All the time he was having his A I was privi to much by way of listening to OW's hundreds of voice pages to my x-H, unbeknownst to them. She said sexual things that made my skin crawl and some things I had to ask people what it meant. This woman was desperate for my x-H. <p>I'm pretty stuned. I felt all the prevereted sex stuff was HER (OW) not him (x-H). Now I know different. I had no idea I was married to a sexual deviate.<p>The tapes couldn't have been that old, as the sticky residue from the labels he ripped off was still tacky.<p>I edited most my posts last night. I had been explicit in describing some of the tapes, so much more than simply the adolescent female. Just unbelievable stuff ... I was afraid it was offending people, which I completely understand.<p>The last two days have been quite weird, I was feeling caring emotions for my x-H as I was packing his stuff, seeing our entire history in all our old pictures and stuff, including our wedding photos, there was so much hope then, so much innocence. And then this discovery.<p>See, my x-H had been exposed to all sorts of bebauchery throughout his career as a musician, but it didn't seem to affect him, he seemed immuned to it. He was pretty normal and even sweet I thought. So I'm not sure how he got here, I must have been blind or too pre-occupied to notice what he was becoming. Either that, or he was very careful to hide all. Therapist said he is a master manipulator with his sweetness, so perhaps he used that as well. <p>I have lost all respect for him now. There isn't an ounce left. All I have are memories of the guy I married, that person was truly someone different. I miss him so much.<p>Jo

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Alostwife:
<strong>*<p>My WH seems to have some fetish with older women too, very much older than him I might add, but he is 7 years my senior, go figure.<p>*Sigh*</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Alostwife,<p>It's a pretty common "fetish." I am 44 and I am here to tell you that women my age are hit on quite OFTEN by men in their 20's and early 30's. I hear this all the time from my girlfriends and it is a big joke amongst us. It is the most bizarre thing. [I call it the mommy fetish!] <p>Most women my age aren't interested in men that age but the occasional 40 yr old who falls for the flattery and marries these young guys usually ends up deeply regretting it.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong>Alostwife,<p>It's a pretty common "fetish." I am 44 and I am here to tell you that women my age are hit on quite OFTEN by men in their 20's and early 30's. I hear this all the time from my girlfriends and it is a big joke amongst us. It is the most bizarre thing. [I call it the mommy fetish!] <p>Most women my age aren't interested in men that age but the occasional 40 yr old who falls for the flattery and marries these young guys usually ends up deeply regretting it.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Dana Jo,<p>Same here, especially at work for me. 2.5K people at our campus with 95%> male engineers and of those males, I'd say 70% are between 21 - 35. It's a regular occurence to get hit on. <p>I think it's pretty odd. What is the allure or attraction?<p>Jo<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

RE: "I think it's pretty odd. What is the allure or attraction?"<p>Hey, don't put all us 'older women' down. Just like women sometimes are attracted to older men, it goes the other way too. <p>STL is 6 years younger then I am. My oldest sister has been with a man who is 20 years younger then she for 6 years now. My second oldest sister is married to man who is 5 years younger then she. <p>Women have a lot to offer.. many men find us more interesting, we are more stable in our lives, most of us are through with the 'biological clock' so there will be no more children.<p>This week we have been checking out nursing/assisted living facilities for my mom. We found the one I want to move into next week. It's a resort to be truthful. They say that they had 10 or so weddings there in the last year.<p>We are a lot of life left in us and women at 50 today look like 30 year old women did even 25 years ago... why are you putting us down? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]