Thnaks for all of the comments. I am glad we have opened up a good discussion. I had what I consider a revelation on Friday. My wife and I went to Motor Vehicle because we couldn't find the title to our mini-van, which is in her name. While there I suggested we switch title over to my name. WW saw right thru this and copped major attitude, saying that I am trying to take everything away from her. I said I was just trying to protect my interests and she said "Bingo! It is always about YOU, and your interests. Your pain. Your self-pity. Your needs! That is the entire problem. For once I wish I could believe that you cared more about me than about yourself!"<p>WOW! Talk about the lighbulb going off in my head. This is exactly what OM is doing, showering WW with concern over her needs, what's best for her, how she can be made happy. Meanwhile, I spend alot of time wallowing and pushing for resolution. He sits back and says "I'll wait forever" (which we all know he won't). <p>Later in the day, I brought up fact that OM had changed his AOL profile the day before. His marital status is now "waiting for someone very special". His hobbies are "taking long drives with my special friend, daydreaming about the future and loving". (what an immature loser!)<p>I told my wife that he is either ignorant (that I might read this profile) or arrogant (knowing I would read it). WW said I shouldn't be reading his profile. She then said that I don't get it. That if tables were turned, she would make sure that she never ever mentioned the OP to me, because she wouldn't want me thinking about them while with her.<p>BANG! Another revelation! So yesterday, no mention of A, no mention of OP, no mention of marriage,. Just a regular day. AWESOME! WW even thanked me last nite for a great day. Also, for the first weekeend since D-Day, WW has not snuck on-line to check e-mails, or snuck a phone call to OM. OM even has an e-mail in her in-box titled "So why are you missing?"<p>So, I fianlly get it. It needs to be all about her, not me. It needs to be no talk, just action. (Thanks Cali, jdmac1, and others for that advice.)<p>Bottom line-I love my wife with all my heart and consider my suffering to be joy if ultimately she is restored to a pedestal of honor as my bride. And I want this to be HER choice, not mine or anyone elses.

Yay! I think you are getting it!

Good to hear Boppo!
Just be ready to stand your ground against your emoitons on bad days too. The A will eventually come up, as much as it would be nice to live as if it never happened, it still is a part of your WW's life and will surface even with no mention by you. Remember the good days and bank up what you can for the bad.
g'luck

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>So, I fianlly get it. It needs to be all about her, not me. It needs to be no talk, just action. (Thanks Cali, jdmac1, and others for that advice.) <hr></blockquote><p>Okay... just to be clear... It is NO relationship talks... no Affair talks, NO OM talks... It IS meeting her needs with ACTION and NOT talk... It IS NO LBs....<p>HOWEVER, you too need to be nurtured... so YOU must take care of YOU... get individual counseling... seek out a support group... put into effect exercise plan... READ lots... DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO TAKE CARE OF BOPPO... if you're gonna due this it is agonizing... and you need to feed yourself to keep up your own strength...<p>Cali

Thanks Cali, Hangin In and Bramblerose. Now I face a real trial by fire. There are many weekend e-mails from OM waiting in WW's account that they know I can access. <p>Should I read them?? Will I read them?? We all know that answer.<p>Pray for me.<p>
God bless all.<p>[ January 28, 2002: Message edited by: Boppo57 ]</p>

Well, I suppose if you are adhering as closely as you can to the MB principles, you must follow the policy of radical honesty and tell your wife you know about the secret account, and you know the e-mails are there, and leave it at that.<p>She already knows that continued contact causes you pain, so avoid reiterating that point. Perhaps you can frame it as distress that she must find it difficult to deal with his refusal to allow her to take the path she has chosen, to rebuild her marriage. But that's probably dangerous ground, too.<p>I don't know. If it were me, I'd probably react as if rattlesnakes were amassed outside my house-- I'd hack their heads off. Bzzzt! There go the e-mails, into the recycle bin. You should be quite proud of yourself for your strength. I'm sure I wouldn't be able to do what you're doing.

Hi Mark,<p> I am glad you have found enlightenment in a sense. What you have found is probably the most difficult thing to implement. I struggle with exactly the things you mentioned every single day. <p> As for the emails, I think you should consider telling her you are aware of the account and that you know how many emails are there. Let her know that you have not read any of them. Let her know that it is not your intention to stop her from reading them. Let her know that it will be painful for you if she does read them but that you won't stop loving her if she does.<p> These emails are going to eat you alive unless you realize that it is not about you, yet again. You cannot prevent contact from the OM. Only your W can do that. If she is not ready, don't push, don't LB. <p> I am proud of you man. You realized something and had a great weekend to show you proof that what you figured out is the best way to go, at least for now. I myself struggle with these things. <p> I know this is tough for you Mark. Hang in there and know we are pulling for you.<p> jd

<p>[ January 28, 2002: Message edited by: Boppo57 ]</p>

<p>[ January 28, 2002: Message edited by: Boppo57 ]</p>

Boppo,
Are you ok? I see you had two attempted posts , let us know whats up. Hang in there. I've dreaded the same thing I hope to never find any OM e-mails in my wife's account. <p>The advice you have gotten so far is to tell your wife. My initial reaction was to tell you NOT to tell her and see if she would be honest about them. The policy of radical honesty is fickle and I suppose I guess I need work on it too. I have seen advice to NOT tell the WS about being able to see hidden contact because they WS will just be "betrayed" by your "snooping" and find another way to contact that you will not be able to monitor. Sometimes I heard it is good to read them to monitor your progess. I can see this is probably wrong but I think I'd have trouble taking that step.<p>Sorry If I am giving bad advice. I tried not to phrase it as advice, so dont take it as such. I'm just trying to give facts. As with much advice posted on this board, we are not professionals, myself especially. I think Harley's advice would be honesty. Take in the facts and make your own desicion.<p>God bless!

Ok, I did not read the e-mails. But, I did screw up. I checked the in-boxes to find that WW hadn't read them yet either (as of 1:00 pm-that is amazing-every other Monday morning she has been on-line at 5:45 AM!!!). But now OM can check billing records on account he set up for WW and see that I was on his account. So now I'm busted. I will have to take the heat if confronted.<p>My plan is:<p>if WW confronts me, that means she was talking to OM - so I might be able to turn tables.<p>I will admit to looking in the mailbox, but also tell the truth that I didn't read the mail. And more truth, that I do this to keep a reality check on what is going on between the 2 of them. I don't want the details, only to know if it is still happening, and to what extent.<p>This is mind boggling-but there are now a total of 45 e-mails in my WW's 2 mailboxes. And this is just since Thursday nite.<p>Also, the last e-mail from OM came this AM titled "So have you been kidnapped, or what?"<p>I am praying for a miracle every day. The miracle is that when I get in the car at the train station, my wife will tell me OM is history and she is ready to work on our marriage. <p>But I know now not to ask her - just let her tell me. And not to push her - just love her.<p>Hope getting busted isn't a major LB- it will set us back big time. Also, I know better than to have high expectations-it makes for a greater fall.

Boppo,
My wife caught me checking her e-mail a while ago.. back in the early stages of this. I think it was a LB though she admitted she would have also in my situation. So perhaps it wasnt bad.. though it did not stop her from switching to a new e-mail account and continuing contact later. Hopefully all that is since past.<p>Anyhow. 45 emails? sheesh. I wonder if thats good or bad. I'd have to ask someone here that is a WS. I think it seems a bit obsessive and may be a LB of his own because he is pushing too hard.. but I guess it could still go the other way. is the OM smart enough to check who logged in and when? <p>Hang in there Boppo. I pray for the same type of thing also. Ill slip a prayer in there for you too.<p>He wants to know if she was kidnapped? HA More like she was freed from the FOG for once.. I hope<p>G'luck!<p>[ January 28, 2002: Message edited by: HangingIn ]</p>

Well, the rollercoaster continues. Just checked on-line and WW read all the e-mails from the one acct, but none from the other (which had 2 nice notes from yours truly).<p>And, based on one note OM sent on Sat nite, WW called him while I was out with my daughter for a few minutes Sat nite. What did I expect??? She can't go a weekend without contact. Even when we are having a great time. And she signals me--by giving me a goodbye kiss when I leave-she is telling me that she will call him (she's done it 3 times now). Then she tells me sat nite before bed that she had a great day.<p>When will this nightmare end?? I must be ready for the long haul, prepare for the worst but hope for the best.<p>Tonite when I go home-no confrontation-no LB'ing-no A talk, no OM talk, no relationship talk. This is the hardest thing I've ever faced in my life.
I tell all of you I have my doubts about whether it is worth it. But I will never tell WW, not unless and until I can't take it any more.<p>God Bless.

No advice this time B. Just letting you know I speak for all saying we are here for you, we're all amazed at your strength and we'll pray for you. <p>One day at a time.