Cali,<p>Here's my two cents...<p>Do NOT be counting those chickens. Your H did not promise you anything, squat, not a thing. It is the same old, just dolled up a little different.<p>My vote is stick with the plan you had. Don't be telling your H anything about how you felt last week or what you had been thinking about for the end of the school year. Just do what you need to do, stop with the daily assessment of 'are we there yet?', and only assess progress (or lack thereof) in much larger intervals, such as in a month (or two, or three).<p>Your H did not give anything to you with his 'promise'. He was giving something to OW by getting you off her back.<p>At least that's what it looks like from up here (in Canada).<p>Hugs,<p>OneDay

Funny you should see it that way hurtbyhubby, 'cause in the summer I was making changes so he would come back... even though I knew they were changes I wanted to make... I was hoping for the big revelation...<p>Funny, now when I think I'm really making changes for me and about moving on it is not seen that way... maybe I am only fooling myself. (and I have ALL the co-dependency books, though my counselor is resisting that 'diagnosis' as yet...) <p>SnL... Haven't been his 'mommy' for sometime now... <p>WHY DO Y'ALL THINK I AM NOT TRUSTING THIS PROMISE? As I thought about it, it seemed about the same kinda promise he made when he married me... though I didn't know it then... <p>OneDay... I was just thinking this night that I might take a hiatus and not post for awhile... <p>Do want to add, though, that we had quite a conversation this evening... it almost went the way of our arguments pre-A... but I resisted and made sure that I used "I" statements and wouldn't accept when he put the 'responsibility' for what he decided to do onto me... by saying what I needed to say (radical honesty) he seemed able to say what he needed to say... it was one of the most honest conversations we've had in a while... he's majorly on the fence folks... but he's looking into my pasture... <p>Cali

I should clarify, I did not mean you were acting like his mommy (or hadn't changed that)..I mean HE wants that kind of relationship, and pretty much explains his behaviour, and his resistance to making this an egalitarian relationship, that he chooses to fully participate in.

<strong> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>H just called me...because I have no one else to call and I didn't want to forget to tell someone this (his exact words)... he went on to tell me about a kid that just entered into his class... it was a student he'd had about 5 years ago in a 5th grade<hr></blockquote></strong>
Cali,
Maybe I'm just being the ETERNAL optimist here, but I see by this statement that your H made yesterday, (I think?) that he was "telegraphing" to you that he HASN"T talked to her....
he "had no one else to call...." when he wanted to share his happiness at having a former student in his class. He didn't/couldn't call HER, sohe called YOU instead!! I hope you GUSHED all over that decision and were as happy for him as he was about his student.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>
WHY DO Y'ALL THINK I AM NOT TRUSTING THIS PROMISE? ... it was one of the most honest conversations we've had in a while... he's majorly on the fence folks... but he's looking into my pasture... <p></strong><hr></blockquote>
TRUST the promise, until he breaks it. Just keep your eyes open,is all. If you CAN'T make yourself trust it: FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I absolutely agree that he's "on the fence" and gazing into HIS OWN back yard now....just STAY THE COURSE. It has been a long, hard trip for you and I think there IS daylight at the end of the tunnel for you!! Hang in there.<p>BTW - my H is ALSO majorly P/A, conflict avoider. I would like to hear some more about your thoughts about HOW you are "reaching" him, etc. You had your e-mail addy posted for awhile, and then took it off. Woudl it be possible for me to get it? Or would you take mine, so we could "compare notes" a little more personally?<p>TIA,

Cali,<p>I guess I did dodge the whole point of this thread, partially because I just couldn't make any sense out of it. <p>If I look at it from the direction of his offering a deal: not to call IF you don't. It doesn't appear that he gets any value. You probably weren't ever going to call her anyway and so he'd be stuck with his side of the deal. If he wanted to make things tough on you he would've put in a harder clause, like you can't talk to him about OW or something of that nature. Something he'd almost certainly be able to throw in your face later. I could make no sense from this direction.<p>TURN IT AROUND. Many have already mentioned that he wasn't offering something, he is trying to COMPELL you to do something. THIS THOUGHT REALLY OPENED MY EYES. Now I see what you mean about the way he ALWAYS deals with you.<p>I remember having a similar conversation with my W. I really wanted her to do something, so I offered to "do this, if she'd do that". I made it a really sweet deal - my end was a lot harder than her end. She looked at me like I was an alien and asked, Why does everything have to be a trade with you? Why can't you just do things? She was right, everything is a trade with me. Wow.<p>She doesn't realize that she's a party to so many implicit trades!!!<p>On most trades I do my end first, she's supposed to notice and then fulfill her end later. Well, she doesn't, and I build up all of this resentment- about being the only one contributing, etc. I'M STILL DOING THIS!!!!!<p>This is a game that I made up and didn't even tell her the rules for. I guess it's about assumptions. I assumed that everyone knew the rules for this game and when they didn't follow them it was on purpose.<p>Looking back at the last 8 months or so I'm not sure that I've changed my game at all. Meeting ENs is a lot like my game, especially when you expect your partner to meet their half. I can do it for a while without reward but then I get depressed and angry - because it's a deal, not a gift. OUCH. Clearly, I'm not as improved as I thought.<p>Now, if I turn this around again... If my W does something for me, then I am bound (by my rules) to give her something back. I owe her.
Now if I do something for her, it's not because I want to, it's because I have to (paying the debt). It's now her fault if I'm miserable.<p>I'm sorry Cali, I don't have an answer to your conundrum right now. I think I need to go think about this a bit more. <p>Jeffers

Cali,<p>
There are worse things in life then being alone. I don't like thinking I am getting a divorce. even when I 1st found out about the A, I still never thought I be divorced. I hate it but I am better off (even if I am so poor, no job,) living as I am now than if I was still with my H & he was still in any kind of contact with OW.<p>I am not encouraging you to do Plan A or B, or the 180 thing but what is best for you and then your boys. Ya'll are what is the most important. Granted I don't have lots of sympathy for WS who are making no effort to try and rebuild their marriage.<p>The only advice I really have for you call Steve, and talk to him.<p>good luck and even though you may not like what people post, know they care<p>[ January 31, 2002: Message edited by: sing ]</p>

It's just my 2 cents, Cali. Not everyone here feels the same way...<p>This place is supposed to be a safe haven for you, I'm sorry if you feel you need to take a haitus for a while. Please come back when you can.<p>I am surprised at what you said though... You know who you are Cali, don't let me tell you who you are just because I see something differently. <p>If you say that you were just making changes to get him to react last summer, and that these new changes are for you, then good for you. Don't let my words change your opinion of yourself, please.<p>Now, if you are not sure, well, maybe something I said will help you figure it out...<p>HbH

geez jeffers... now I have to think too...<p>hurtbyhubby... as for hiatus, I just meant that I wasn't gonna post every little thing that happened... just wait a bit and do a monthly or so update... see how it all pans out... I'll probably lurk and/or reply to others [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>lupo... my MB addy is InShockInCali@excite.com<p>Thanks always for all of your input...<p>Cali