Good Question,<p>I've asked myself that same question. I know that if my WH did the things suggested in MB that I would be like a puppy dog. I would be in heaven!!!<p>Looking back on our relationship, it was raely good. Neither one of us had a clue how to have a good R. <p>I'm real frustrated right now. I'm tired of plan A., tired of being lied to, tired of puting up a happy front when I just want to cry.<p>I know there are ups & downs to this thing. Just right now I'm down. WH is home for a week (lives out of state & thats where he found OW1(over) & OW2. There are issues SH wants me to confront WH with this week. My confidence is down. I feel stronger when he is not around.<p>Sorry for whining, I know I WILL GET THROUGH THIS, by the grace of God & this site.<p>I do love my H, but wonder what love really means???!!!??? Also, I wonder why I love him.
M vows made before God, I take very seriously, even if he doesn't.<p>thanks for being here.

My kid, who needs and deserves a father, and the household (yes, stuff) that I left behind in Japan are what initially brought me back to my husband. After a long Plan B, I was very much losing my love for my husband and becoming more happy on my own. My husband did nothing but play mind games with me--sometimes he would call and say that he was sorry and that he wanted to try again. Later, he would call and yell at me and tell me that everything was all my fault and that I was a substandard human being. It felt good to get away from him, even though I did love him. He and his rage were sucking the very life from me. It did not matter that I loved him--to me, love was a weakness and made me susptible to a destructive force.<p>Being a single mom sucks though. I don't know how to even begin going there. It is terrible trying to work full time, scrape and scrounge and provide for your children on so little, and at the same time, maintain a decent home for your children. It pains your heart not to have the choice of actually raising your children and teaching them morals and right from wrong, having fun with them, ect, because you have to work to feed them. My kid lived in daycare, or my parent's house (not like they were excited about that--they are too old to care for a five-year-old) and taxi-ing my kid between daycare and school was an episode.<p>My parents warned me not to give in to my husband's offers to reunite just for the sake of financial security. But I felt that I was not giving my child what he deserved by being stubborn and prideful.<p>I had a lot of other guys start asking me out, too. Not only would I not seek another relationship while I was still "married," if you could call it that (I wouldn't stoop to my husband's level) but after all that I had been through, the thought of beginning another relationship, no matter how nice the guy was, was completely distasteful. I don't know how to explain it. It was like my capacity to love was completely diminished, and the only emotion that replaced it was pain. It would not be fair to someone who really wanted a loving relationship to be involved with someone as bitter as me. I could not ever see myself married again. I was so done with that mess.<p>I had no desire to be with another man. To get to know and love yet another person and be in the position to be slammed again seemed really stupid at the time.<p>Well, after my husband's pleading (he says this didn't happen) I did come back to my husband. And let me tell you, my husband was still fogged-in as ever and I was beginning to think that I was insane for ever considering living with him again.<p>I think it was the attitude for both of us--either we give it one more shot, or else we respectfully get the hell out of each other's lives forever, and that's it. We would find a neutral party to help us decide the custody and visitation arrangement for the kid, and then we try really hard to forget about each other.<p>But you know how hard that is? To forget the very person that you created children with? Who shared your bed, your dinner table, your bank account, your body, your deepest thoughts? So very much easier said than done, and that's why we decided to try to save this marriage.<p>One last shot--and I guess so far it's working. I will let you know in a couple of years if it's really that successful. So far, so good.

They say a person usually will only take action when the pain is worse than the pleasure. Unfortunately in some many marital situations even with tremendous pain it still is difficult and even impossible to take action. I think so many people just feel trapped and are not capable for whatever reason to make drastic decisions. When the pain becomes so intense, it even numbs your ability or desire to love, now or in the future.<p>Again, from what I am reading in your posts, is that we are not just trying to save a marriage, something that should be sacred, with unconditional love for another and with intense happiness. <p>Rich

Because I figure that life is a set of problems. There are either the problems in your first marriage or the problems in your second. If you divorce and don't remarry, then there are the problems of a single life and possibly single parenthood.<p>Life is a set of problems. You pick the set you feel most equipped to solve.<p>We are 18 months into rebuilding our marriage after H's affair and OC. Right now, there isn't much wrong with our marriage, but there isn't too much right with it either. Even during his affair (which I knew nothing about for 7 years--business travel is often deadly to a marriage), even during his affair, he and I used to have more fun together than any two people I have ever known. We did all kinds of adventerous sports, traveled the world, could make each other laugh until one fell down and begged for mercy. All joy went out of our marriage on D-day and I don't know if it will come back. I pray daily that we find enjoyment in each other again. We are tyring hard, but I am not sure that we can recover from the damage. I am not sure he can ever forgive himself enough to become the person he used to be. He fractured our lives, but far worse, he fractured his own self-image.<p>I honestly am not sure why we try to recover. Mabye because what we had was good, but if it was so good why did he stray and for so long?<p>MJ

Well, the simple answer is, I DON'T want to save my M. I hate my M.<p>I didn't like it before H's A, but at least then I had hope it might get better. Now that hope is gone. It will NEVER be what it could have been, what it should have been, what I was promised.<p>Unfortunately, I made the mistake of having children with him, so I am stuck with him for life.<p>I opted out of M#1, and I am still stuck with H#1 because of the children we had together. The divorce did not resolve anything, and he went on to make good on his vendetta to make me as miserable as possible. I am still his target 13 years later, and I and my children are still living with the consequences of his campaign of terror.<p>So, this time I KNOW what's on the other side. I KNOW how bad it can get, and so far, things are better for my children and me with things as they are. I am not happy in this M, but if I divorce him, I hand him a power I don't want him to have. Within the M, I can control the environment my children grow up in. A vindictive ex-spouse can destroy not only your life, but your children's lives as well.<p>So, as long as it is in my children's and my best interest to remain in the M, I will remain, but if the scales tip the other way, I will end the M.<p>If I had not had children with this man, I would have been gone and never looked back. M doesn't have to be a lifelong commitment, but once you produce a child with someone, you are connected for life, whether you're married or not and whether you like it or not. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] It is a reality you cannot escape with divorce.

Why I am still willing to work on my marraige?? several reasons,
- I'm still a love struck fool. I want to "fall in love with him again.
- I took my marriage vows seriously, and until the day comes when he says "its over" I'll keep trying till my dying breath.
- We have a beautiful little boy together, he didnt ask for his father to do this to us. Why uproot him.
- Financial. (thats the logical side of me speaking)
-I'm scared of starting all over again.
-I cant stop thinking how wonderful it used to be. Can it be so hard to get that back??