How did you feel about the BS in your situation, if you ended the A was that a factor?

Well, it's me again. I am just typing away today on MB. After my IC thing yesterday, I am just popping with stuff in my head. Hope you don't mind. Well, I guess the WS is also the OP?<p>The OM's W was someone I really liked, believe it or not. During the long discussions between the OM and myself (before it went EA), alot was spoken about our M and children, etc. He was my boss. I respected him because of the longevity of his M and his relationship with his kids. I even sat with his W several times during Co. events before the EA. How sad is that? Believe me, I was NOT sitting there thinking that I wanted her H. That was the farthest from my mind at the time.<p>Like I said in my other posts (here and in "Recovery") the draw to one another was due to not having found our own self worth. I was unable to stand on my own two feet to comfort myself in the turmoil of my M. I think the OM was doing the exact same thing - now that I look at his life challenges as well. When you are down so deep in yourself and do not have the self-esteem to pull yourself up, you can stupidly make a severely unhealthy choice. I took my dependency upon my H to make me happy to the dependency upon the OM. Guess what, no one can do that but Me!!!

Kim101,
I have been reading your replys today. I really appreciate your honesty. You sound like your at a very good place!! I hope my WS will someday be there. Your going beyond admitting you were wrong, your analyzing how you got there - it is self discovery. Your open enough to share it with others. I don't know a lot about where you've been, but you've come a long way I can tell. <p>Sorry, Faith-n-Hope, didn't mean to hijack your thread.

At one time my OW was nice too...then everything changed and she actually called war..."I am your enemy, may the best soldier win..." I am not in the military, go figure...

honestly I thought very little about the BS. My main concern was what was good for me.<p>I think that EMA's are supremely selfish acts. It was when I took a step back that she even became a consideration. (Though she never became my main consideration) <p>Our A didn't end because of her. It ended because of us. <p>I will admit that there were times that I thought about her. As a matter of fact last Valentines DAy we were together. He arrived at my house right after work, and didn't go home until midnight. I said to him "where in the world does she think you are...it's Valentines Day for heaven's sake." I don't remember what the response was. <p>It is my personal opinion that OP often don't think very much about the BS because all you hear about them is negative. No MM is sitting up with his OW talking about how wonderful his marriage and family are.<p>IMHO WS's don't end EMA's because of the BS. I think they end them when they decide to.

What about when it is over? What about it then?

Hi Faith-n-Hope,<p>I am not an OW any more and I am not proud of my past, but to answer your question... <p>You know?! Back then, I never thought about her... I had never met her. He never talked about his wife and he always wore his wedding ring so it's not like I didn't know. I knew he was married. <p>I never REALLY considered her feelings, her thoughts, her finances, her position, nor her children and the impact of my actions on their family unit. That is, until I got married and established a family of my own... Still, OW self-inflicted pain can never equal innocent BS/OC pain.<p>Even still, it never really (REALLY) sank in until I discovered this site about a year ago! I started reading all the stories and situations and painful memories and triggers of BS'. Then POW! It hit me. I mean, it really hit me what I had done to HER... It took several weeks before I had the nerve to post one word, tho.<p>BS may not have even known about the affair until after I filed for CS when OC was FIVE!(?) Who knows?<p>I knew it was adultery and I knew I failed myself and God and my OC and my family and my fellow Christians, society, etc... (Hmmm...notice all that me-me-me my-my-my thinking???) I was ashamed and remorseful. I guess I felt that responsibility for making it up to the BS was on the MM. I was single at that time... Single parenting was NOT my life goal, however, I did choose the path I believed was right for me. That was 20 years ago. <p>I never apologized to the BS. It never occurred to me. Then again, it never occurred to me either that WS was (obviously) LYING when he said they were separated. They probably weren't even close... <p>At that stage of my life, I understood that "being separated is a state of marriage until divorced" yet, it didn't stop me from pursuing a PA...<p>BS was not a factor in ending that affair. Unplanned pregnancy ended the affair quite abruptly! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Talk about a reality check... No, I was not trying to get pregnant on purpose to trap the MM, and yes, I was using birth control, no, I was not in love with MM, and no, he was not in love with me, although he said so repeatedly. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>God has shown incredible mercy toward me. Someone was praying for me. They must have been... Hmmm... maybe it was the BS?!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Imagine that!<p>What would I do if I ever had an opportunity to see her again? I would look her in the eye, if she would be willing to face me, and I would definitely apologize. Without a doubt.<p>[ February 15, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

WOW! BINthereDUNthat! Thank you. I am grateful for you sharing your story. It couldn't have been easy no matter how many times you have told it or how many years have gone by. Unfortunatly my H and OW think that they are in love and soulmates, though it seems from her V-day card, which I am going to try to post later, that she is thinking they won't end up together. I don't know...I need some MB advice on it, maybe I will go get it and post it now...again thank you!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Faith-n-Hope:
<strong>What about when it is over? What about it then?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Truthfully, I think about her in as much as it relates to me.<p>I would expound on that statement, but honestly I think that BTDT is better qualified to address BS's. She has reached a level of empathy that I just don't have (yet). I don't know that i'll ever get there. I'm not even sure that I care to.<p>If you want I call tell you my truth. But it'll be flat out. Sharp edges and all. BT is much better at making it more palitable for BS's. Same truth, different spin.<p>I harbor no ill feelings towards the BS. I just don't care about her at all. My focus is on what works for me.

I appreciate your comments...KS, I hope that you do reach that point someday...and I hope that it isn't because you are a betrayed spouse. The pain is unbearable at times. I hope that you stay here and learn how to keep your relationship healthy. I don't think the BS ever really wants an apology from the OP...she just wants to forget and hope that someday that OP will realize what they have done, to a human being and perhaps a family. To children...I would NEVER wish the pain I see my litte 5yr. old girl in on your little ones...Not on my worst enemy...I think it hurts to watch that the most...yes, I am a little angry right now, but not at you or OP...I am angry at all of the pain that can be stopped or could have been avoided.<p>BTDT,
Thank you, you gave me some good insight.

FNH,
I know pain. TRUST ME on that one. You don't become an OW because it's a good and happy thing (ask BTDT). It begins as a painful experience that numbs you to the pain of others.<p>Additionally it's not that I can't empathize with BS's. I simply don't care to. I know that that's b-tchy but it's true.<p>I always assumed that i'd be a single mother. Most little girls dream of their wedding. I assumed that i'd have the kids I wanted and then marry for love much later in life. I saw my mother go through a lot of crap with my father and vowed that I would NEVER be dependant on a man like that EVER! <p>My father was a WS over and over again. I thought my mother a fool for loving him, staying with him and continuing to be heart broken by him. It was YEARS before she was over his cheating. If I learned no other lesson I learned that no man was going to look after my best interests. That that's my job. <p>So this much time later i've come to believe that i've gone opposite and extreme of my mom's experience. <p>I WAS that five year old girl with pain in my eyes and the sad sad mother. She fought hard to keep her marriage. To long in my opinion and to the detrament of everything else. (He had an OC + OW.)<p>So now my work is in striking a balance. I have a loving BF. We work damned hard to keep our relationship sane and healthy for both of us. We talk a lot (lately) and work hard to bridge the GIANT cultural gap between us. So I guess it's fair to say that i'm learning a lot about love, commitment and understanding. Lessons I never cared to know before.<p>All things in God's time not mine.<p>Be well.
KS

Bin,<p>hope it's ok to give you a big <<<<< e-hug >>>>> that's a great post [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] very insightful....<p>- Freddy

Sorry, KS I didn't mean to come off as I sounded, please forgive me.

It's not you FNH, I was just having a moment. No harm, no foul.<p>I'm in the process of buying another apartment. EVERYTHING has got me riled up this morning. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Katie,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I saw my mother go through a lot of crap with my father and vowed that I would NEVER be dependant on a man like that EVER!
<hr></blockquote><p>Not ALL men are like your father...some of us do our best to treat women with love, care and respect. Some of us are trying to learn what that means AND how one does it.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>So I guess it's fair to say that i'm learning a lot about love, commitment and understanding. <hr></blockquote><p>Good point, over the last months I've really really been learning how to love and understand somebody. It's not easy, takes lots of energy, time, patience and listening skills.<p>good post Katie, take care,<p>- Freddy

Freddy, I know that. I'm learning about that now.<p>I needed to have other experiences of men to prove that all men are NOT my father. For a long time I refused to do that. Fear? Who knows.<p>Until recently I assumed that all (or most) men were like him and the best way to innoculate myself against being hurt was to run roughshod over them taking what I wanted. Hook up with an unavailable man and so there were no suprises when he disappointed. So what if the BS's was hurt or disspointed. Join the club.<p>Now I know that hurt begats hurt begats hurt begats hurt. So in my live i'm taking the brave step to seek for love. Guess i'll just have to see how it all works out. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Love and human nature are not so black and white. There are a lot of subtleties.<p>Ok, i'm done hijacking this thread. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Faith-n-Hope:
<strong>...BTDT,
Thank you, you gave me some good insight.</strong><hr></blockquote><p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Good, I'm glad. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Katie Scarlett:
<strong>
I would expound on that statement, but honestly I think that BTDT is better qualified to address BS's. She has reached a level of empathy that I just don't have (yet). I don't know that i'll ever get there. I'm not even sure that I care to.<p>If you want I call tell you my truth. But it'll be flat out. Sharp edges and all. BT is much better at making it more palitable for BS's. Same truth, different spin.<p>I harbor no ill feelings towards the BS. I just don't care about her at all. My focus is on what works for me.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>You know, KS's story is nothing like mine so I don't know why she even bothers to try to understand me or my situation as it applies to her world view... I don't expect her to reach any degree of empathy that I have. We are two different people with two different truths. <p>Freddy ALL cyber squeezes are welcome any time! Thank you! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Katie Scarlett:
<strong>Ok, i'm done hijacking this thread. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Good...

To FNH, I think even KS story, tells us how adultery transcends generations.. it is affecting how her child grows up... without 2 parents in the home... at lesat 2 natural parents... now that is not wrong ks - do not mean to hurt you if you read... but I see this in my H and alsoi n friends of mine whose parents were in adulterous relationships.<p>Adultery is wrong, and it hurts people.. it comes out generations later... my fil was adulterer, so is his son, my H... My best freinds grandfather domitted this sin, so did his daughter and his granddauther.. though the grandmother is still married and complaineing about her wandering H.. those girls got the message... her D, and her Grand D... neither are married, I trhink they saw being the OP as getting more, and not being hurt... <p>I think this is so sad. I am so afraid for my children I want to stop this vicious cycle of adultery... and I wish the fil in my life never taught my H about all this... now my confused H is passing on the legacy in a bad, bad way... I hope we can heal- I really hope so... it is hard to have compassion for people who just want to act like they never did anything wrong... (FIL).<p>Hugs, H

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by honey:
<strong>
I think they saw being the OP as getting more, and not being hurt...
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Exactly. From my POV my step mom (TOW) was sitting pretty and my mom was the sucker.<p>It's funny to me how I never realized how angry I was at my mom for being the BS until I began posting here. It's not her fault that my dad cheated. In that she was 100% the victim. But when he kept is up while she pined away for him it made me so, so, so mad! (Still does to think about it).<p>To think that he went on, had other kids, made a new family and she was still saying "if only..." and being mad at my step mom - burns me up.<p>As an adult I see that she is human, flawed, and all that jazz. She had her process in all of this there is no question. I don't know what her lessons were in this. I know what mine are though. <p>I guess i'm just mad at my mom for not being as strong as she pretended (or wanted) to be. It's my work to get over that.<p>Funny thing though, it's more than 30 years later and I have as good a relationship with my step-mom as I do my real mom. Whodathunk!