The cruelest thing I ever said? Well, there was a lot. But the one I could actually tell that hurt him was when I called him a whore. He couldn't believe it and asked me if I really thought that of him. I said yes, because his behavior was that of a whore and a slut. Men can be those too, you know! I also called her many names as well, but you know, I really can't say that I regret saying these cruel things, they are the truth, and I even believe this now that we are in recovery. He has changed his behavior, but that doesn't change what he did before, nor does it change hers.<p>I also told him that I hoped our sons would never grow up to be like him, and was that what he hoped that they would learn from him, how to cheat on his wife and family? This I do regret, because he has many good qualities that I would be proud for my sons to share (just not the part where he cheated)

The cruelest thing I ever said? Well, there was a lot. But the one I could actually tell that hurt him was when I called him a whore. He couldn't believe it and asked me if I really thought that of him. I said yes, because his behavior was that of a whore and a slut. Men can be those too, you know! I also called her many names as well, but you know, I really can't say that I regret saying these cruel things, they are the truth, and I even believe this now that we are in recovery. He has changed his behavior, but that doesn't change what he did before, nor does it change hers.<p>I also told him that I hoped our sons would never grow up to be like him, and was that what he hoped that they would learn from him, how to cheat on his wife and family? This I do regret, because he has many good qualities that I would be proud for my sons to share (just not the part where he cheated)

oh, a few times, I said, knowing how much he now detests OW and cannot believe that he ever saw good in that "god awful whore,"<p>Well, go to her. You deserve her and NOTHING MORE.

I have no idea which was the cruelest thing I said, what hurt him, etc, becaue he had a constant stone face around me.<p>Yes, I know I did say nearly everything that has been posted here, and they were certainly nasty things, but to pick one thing out just isn't possible for me. <p>I think the one thing I said to him that hurt was this...."I am leaving for Australia." But only because he knew that meant losing his kids.<p>And I can recall one other thing that got a reaction, but it was actually a nice thing.<p>I did pretty well with Plan A, I really only LB'd a few times, but you know what? Those nasties I hurled at him were justified. He deserved to get called every nasty name in the book, and probably was.<p>And I think he didn't react because he knew it.

Some of these seem fine to me, especially standing out are Be Positive's and JR's--They sound like honest assessments. Maybe they could have been phrased more gently, but the information was correct, and there was no name-calling.<p>If I was a WS and that was the worst I heard, I would count myself very lucky.<p>At the time I said "You tried to kill us", I immediately amended it to "You could have killed us" and I stand by that statement to this day because it is true. I am told it will take 10 years of periodic testing to be sure we're out of the woods as far as HIV is concerned. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Wow, I guess my words weren't as cruel as I'd thought.<p>sad_n_lonely wrote:
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>snl...I am not sure God forgives people for telling the truth. You stated most succinctly a life truth. <hr></blockquote><p>Thanks, snl. You're right, and I guess I wasn't sinful to say what I did. Counter-productive, maybe, since my ultimate goal at the time was to have my W back.<p>Conqueror wrote:
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Some of these seem fine to me, especially standing out are Be Positive's and JR's--They sound like honest assessments. Maybe they could have been phrased more gently, but the information was correct, and there was no name-calling. <hr></blockquote><p>I guess the reason I feel that what I said was cruel was because it was so honest. I knew that my W was trying hard to avoid accepting that particular truth, because she couldn't handle the guilt. So I stuck the dagger in, and the look on her face told me I'd hit the bullseye. I'm not much for slinging names and obscenitites, as they don't really have much substance. The substance (cruelty, in this case) in my statement to W was that it directly pointed out something of which she was utterly ashamed.<p>Anyway, I feel less guilty about saying it after reading your responses. Thanks!<p>BP

I've said many things that hurt my WS, but I think the worst was:<p>I should have stayed with my ex-husband, at least I knew he was a lying, cold, verbally abusive cheater.<p>I also said:<p>I'm sorry I ever married you.<p>I'm sorry I ever met you.<p>You are a lying, low-life, immature, b---less scumbag.<p>Am I sorry I said those things? I guess so, but I meant them at the time. I've said many other mean, cruel things also since DDay, but none of them can ever be as cruel as what WS did to me.

Oh yea, I also told him what hurt more than anything was the fact that he fu--ed down, rather than fu--ed up. I said that because one of the reasons he told me he had the affair was because he was feeling unimportant. I said I could understand if he had had an affair with one of the drug reps that visited his office, or one of the women docs, etc., I could see how that one of them wanting him would make him feel important, but that fact that he chose a psychotic, pathetic, secretary who was whining to my husband about her loveless marriage and her insignificant job made him feel important was beyond me. Thus, fu--ing down. No offense to those who are secretaries, I know how much great ones contribute to the success of an office. It's just that this one didn't. Apparently from what I've heard, none of her coworkers like her and she is always calling out and not doing her job. Too busy I guess chasing after other women's husbands. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Teresa,<p>I said something similar. I told him he went slumming.<p>Why such a woman was a more attractive choice than the ONE woman in his life who has ever remained faithful and loyal to him is still a mystery to me. He has always referred to me as "the best", "like gold to me" and "good to the bone". I don't think I'll ever be able to fathom, if I am of such value, why I was tossed aside like an old shoe for a person who was nowhere near my social, intellectual, moral, or even physical equal.<p>Even more of a mystery is why now, when he has a chance to have "the best" back, he is blowing it. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

well when he actually told me flat out to my face it was my fault he had affair-i calmly replied with all the evil i could muster in my eyes-"yes dear, i took your [censored] out, got it hard and shoved it in her repeatedly!!!!" i think i made my point. [good thing-its the only cruel thing ive said so far!]

Conqueror wrote: Some of these seem fine to me, especially standing out are Be Positive's and JR's--They sound like honest assessments. Maybe they could have been phrased more gently, but the information was correct, and there was no name-calling.<p>Hmm... okay, I seem to remember some worse ones after all... I think at one point I said something like, "A very small part of me hopes I never see you again." for one. I knew something bad was slipping out so I struggled to get that "very small part" in there. She cried at that - "how could you say that", etc. - in a way, I was surprised she didn't hit me hard back! (It's a very bizzare situation with her!)

Oh my I have said a LOT of cruel things to my WS, but yes I meant them all and I think that I had to spill them out or I'd have gone crazy, overall after years of psychological manipulation, lies and deceit. THAT man ruined my life, my hopes and dreams, so he had it and he had it real real bad.<p>Now I wouldn't say anything like that to my H, he is a changed man, and I love him twenty times more than I ever loved that sad excuse of a human being he was.<p>Of the most memorable awful things I said:<p>"I HATE YOU!"
"You and that B*tch belong together, you can both drive each other crazy, make each other miserable"
"I wish I had never loved you"
"I am oh so glad I have no kids with you"
"You make me want to throw up"
"Don't touch me, it feels like you are rubbing an used condom on me"
"You are NOT touching our baby, you are banned from even getting 100 feet close to him" (when I thought I was pregnant and he told me more awful stuff about his past)
"You killed our baby for nothing you SOB!" (after d-day remembering I had a miscarriage due to all the awfull things he put me through, literally made me have it, this one I do regret, never said something as cruel as this, and I do wish I could take it back)
"What makes me sick is that you could want something as ugly and terribly smelling as OW" (yup she looks and smells BAD, like a septic tank, she just went downhill and looks like a crack addict now).
"I wish you knew the pain I am going through"
"Oh you are such a cry baby, "I am going to kill myself", well BooHoo! I could expect you to chicken out like that any given day"<p>I think those are the worse.
Yes I did mean most of them, and I also called him a whore and a slut, but with all the info popping left and right I had no time to be gracious neither to be beating the bush.

Well, I can be a real *****, in case nobody has noticed. The Love Buster Queen.<p>1. "I don't admire you anymore."<p>2. "I hope you and your **** girlfriend smash and burn to death in a car wreck!"<p>3. "Why don't you tell OW that you're in love with her? A real man would go after the woman he loved."<p>4. "I hope you and OW burn in hell together!"<p>In mitigation, these were all hurled at him in response to rejection and/or finding out that he was seen getting a hot drink to bring to OW by a neighbor who told me and assumed that H was buying the drink for our S. At the time, S and I were out of town until late at night.<p>I wish I hadn't said them.

I told WS "once a snake always a snake" referring to an incident that happened before we got married, and then said "I should never have married you".<p>I've continually said that WS should go be with the OP because it's so obvious that what WS wants.<p>Also told WS to go live with Mommy. (WS hasn't spoken to/seen "mommy" in 5 years.<p>Yes, all LB's flowing due to frustration.

OOOOH, this is an interesting thread as it helps me to own up to some of my weaknesses.<p>H and I have a special needs 4 yr old S. He is profoundly mentally retarded, with severe medical problems. He will probably never progress beyond the mental age of 2, never walk, talk, or be potty trained. Several times prior to H A, during my grief, worry, and resentment about S and our future, I would tell my H that I didn't know if I could "handle" all of tis, and I had the nerve to ask him what my options were!!! (i.e., permanent outside placement for John, my leaving, etc.) He would always calmly reply to me, never got mad, just always supportive. He would always say "well, the door is always open, and I will understand. You don't have to feel bad. This is going to be a big job, but I work in the mental health profession and I see what happens to people who are warehoused (abuse, rape, etc). There is no way I'm going to do that to my son. I will always try to take care of him. However, one of us should be happy. So if you cannot do this, don't feel bad. I will understand." So, I would then feel relieved, and go "look" out that door he opened, then turn around and walk back in for another day. He loves this boy so much, and has been dealing with his own grief but not sharing it with me at all - probably because I was acting so stupidly fragile about it all. And, at the time, I honestly did not take into consideration his grief or feelings, I was so wrapped up in poor me.<p>EEEEEYYYYYUUUUUU, makes me feel awful just thinking how bad and lonely that must have made him feel. However, up until this point, I always thought of H as solid as a ROCK, able to handle anything and would never leave me.<p>I feel like Scarlett O'Hara a little bit here. I feel that I was driving him away. In fact, we discussed this since trying to work on our marriage. Here I was, treating him like Scarlett O'Hara was treating Rhett Butler so he leaves, then I get upset at the idea of losing him. Hmmmm a little self centeredness going on here.<p>After I found out about H affair, I realized I could actually lose the both of them - H & son! There was no way H was going to let me have custody - why should he? I had expressed my inability to care for him on several occasions. <p>It was then that I realized that I love my son very much, and had not yet accepted his disabilities. But God knows I DID NOT want him out of my life. I realized that I had separated from him so much, that my husband was his primary caregiver, and I was resentful when asked to help. Consequently, I wasn't asked much. <p>Since then, I have had a complete 180 degree change in thinking, and have been working Plan A to keep my marriage, H & son. I am WAY more involved in my son's life, and enjoy it very much. And I am pleased to have gained this insight, as painful as it is. Change is sometimes hard and painful, but it can be good.<p>I know this is long, sorry.<p>Now, after I found out about H affair, the cruelest thing I think I said was something about the small size of his penis and him not knowing what to do in bed anyway so he was better off with her. (EEEEYYYYYUUUU - am I mean, or what?) Of course, that was before I found MB. <p>Thanks for the thread.

"I wish you had done this before we had kids."

Hi there,

Oh gosh, this is an old post.
I really enjoyed reading this and I thought others might be interested too. So I will bump this up.

I too (BS) told my H terrible things. I feel terrible about some things I told him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

The worse things I told my H was when I was going through my "depressive" + "aggressive" stage. This was a terrible time.
I told him:
-"I hate you so badly. Believe me when you fall asleep, I'm going to kill you!!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />
-You'd fall for anyone who sucks your $ock!!!
-You're a "male whore".
-You $ucked me the night before so that you would last longer with OW. You wouldn't of made it otherwise. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

I really regret myself saying these things. I honestly do. I have told my H that I am sorry for these words. It is just so hard to take back words. Once they are spoken, they cannot be forgotten.

I hope that if someone is reading this and is just beginning with recovery, please hold back with this. It doesn't help at all. It delays recovery. It just hurts.

If you have the urge to say these things, come here and vent, it will not hurt and it helps!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

hugs
bb

Cool thread.

A couple days after I discovered 2 simultaneous As, but before I confronted WW, I told her we needed to work on our marriage and I was ready. But included in that, was my statement that "you have not done anything for me that I really needed."

I don't recall saying anything out-and-out-mean, like she has, but I do believe that one stung.

It was before finding MB.

It took me eight years of marriage and a myriad of painful affairs, abandonments, and cruelties on his part for me to even raise my voice but one night after being fed up with being forgiving and compliant we argued over what I cannot remember. I was at my whits end. After all that I had been through during this mundane fight I hated him. I hated him more than I hated myself for the first time. And I told him simply that I did hate him. He was stunned, outraged...how could I hate him? I dont think I really regret it because at that moment it was true. I guess for him I have been the one person to see his potential and for me to be blind to that after he had made significant changes in his life was devestating to him. I am sure he would think that statement was cruel.
Since then the thing that I have said to him that I know he finds heartbreaking is that "I don't care." I don't say it with malice I truly am just tired of caring. I don't care where he is, who he works with, what his plans are. He is free to do anything he wants. I just dont care. I don't ask him when he will be home. I don't call him. He relocated to a new office. I didnt even ask for his new phone number, although now I have it for emergency reasons for our daughter's sake. And I have never been to his new office. Conversly, he must feel some need to be accountable to me because he is always reporting to me his every move. And he wants to know everything I am doing which has never been a problem I am an open book. Even if I get up in the night to lay on the couch because I have asthma and sometimes need to sit up he is deeply concerned. Why am I not in bed with him...even though he could see me from the bed and I tell him I need to sit up. He is concerned it is some sort of sign on my part. But it isnt I just live day by day. No signs. No games. Just doing what I can to be happy each day.
When we are together we enjoy each other but when he is not in my presence I cant worry about what he is doing. I wont survive it. I now realize that when I say I dont care it is sad for him because I was the only one who always did care. But I cant lie...I love him but I dont care anymore.

I think that by far the most cruel thing I said to my H was in a letter.This was after DDay and
We were still trying to have a second child when he had a EA.
" I don't think I would ever consider having another child with you. What would I do with 2 children up sh#t creek?? Do you think we could ever try again without me thinking that you were picturing her while we were in bed?If I was ever insane enough to sleep with you, you better have a condom handy.
~sigh~ I know this still hurts him and he's wanted a second child for so long but just doesn't bring it up anymore...just gets a real hurt look in his eyes.