Hi, Pepperoni and all of y'all that have posted on this thread~<p>I just thought I would let all of you know that hubby and I had a very intimate conversation this evening. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>There were lots of things bothering the both of us....
obviously!!!!! <p>Pepper, hold onto your shaker here......hubby actually brought up some things he learned at the Maximum Man conference he attended!!!!!! We both brought up some topics from Gary Chapmans Toward A Growing Marriage conference we went to last year. <p>I couldn't believe it!!! I was impressed with the both of us. Hubby mentioned that....and all on his own I might add.....that we were so busy trying to pull what we wanted out of the other and so focused on our own needs that we weren't even thinking of the other. We weren't loving each other. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>BrambleRose~ Do you know that our conversation was focused on ONE statement you made? Guess what I quoted to my husband this evening?
"Expectations are premeditated resentments". We both had a BFO (Blinding Flash of the Obvious). We both realized that we were so busy expecting so much out of the other that we didn't realize what we were doing to each other. <p>Hubby and I just moved 600 miles from home. The circumstances surrounding the move have left ALOT of resentment on my part. I didn't want to move here but H was adamant about it so I felt like if I wanted to be with my husband...I had to move. I told him I didn't want to move, but I went along anyway. Afterall, I wanted to be with my husband, right? Now I am in a city where I don't know anyone (except his parents [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] ) and I felt like he had his own agenda in moving here. He did have his own agenda and my daughter and I have been completely shoved in the background. I became unhappy because the only stability I had to rely on was yanked out from underneath me. He was unhappy because he expected me to pick up here like nothing had changed. Resents grew and a chasm formed in our relationship. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I discussed with him the REAL WORK it takes to make a marriage work. CONSTANT NURTURING. We both get lazy after we have worked on US for awhile and then things get mucky. He's stopped asking "What's wrong" because I stopped answering him and I stopped answering him because he stopped listening (vicious cycle). I voiced to him "I love you, I want to be married to you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I want to work on this marriage with you AND I am committed to putting in the work it needs...and if you aren't willing to reciprocate then there is no need to continue. Either we are in this or we aren't." He said, "I'm in". <p>We both came to alot of realizations. I told him that I was going to accept him like he is (no matter how much of his Mama is in him [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ) and he is going to have to accept me like I am (no matter how much of my Mama <and my Daddy> is in me [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] ) and we are going to have to STOP expecting each other to change. We come to each other AS IS and we can accept each other or not. We chose to accept.<p>I also explained how easily we trample on each other. (Example) When I have spent time on the board and learned new things about NURTURING US and our relationship and he doesn't show the slight bit of interest....it hurts my feelings. I feel like I am working on the most sacred union two people can ever share and I feel like he is poo-pooing that work and the concept of the union. He doesn't want to give to me because he feels like I don't show enough interest in our financial future. He's a right-brainer and I'm a left-brainer. He wants to get from point A to point B and then get it all behind him and out of the way. I explained how that kind of thinking is detrimental to our relationship because our relationship will never be "from point A to point B"....it's a continuous process...after point B there is always going to be C and D and E..... <p>He also...all on his own... offered this "So, what I think we need to do is focus on meeting each other's needs as opposed to meeting our own".....and I said "Funny you should mention that....I just printed off this Emotional Needs Questionnaire today." (he giggled at this...see how prepared I am? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ) "I'm giving it to you now. I'm not going to remind you to fill it out. You either will remember to do it or not. I'm going to fill mine out, though, and we can share. I think it's important for us to at least identify each others EN's".<p>We also discussed our daughter and how OUR relationship will affect every aspect of her life. How she handles adversity (hey Par) and how she communicates, etc.<p>So, the night ended on a really good and reinvigorated note. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>He's not having an affair. He admits that he was distancing himself because of the friction between the two of us.<p>As far as the issue of this thread???? Well, that hasn't been addressed BRUTALLY, but he gave me very good indications this evening that he FORGAVE me that TIME in my life. I'm not pushing things yet....things have been so skewed and I didn't feel like the time was right at this point. However, I won't let this issue go unaddressed. I plan to keep my sleeves rolled up.<p>Thank you so much EVERYONE for the support love and hugs.<p>Truly, y'all don't know how much you've helped me...and my hubby....and my marriage...and my family.<p>selket<p>[ February 23, 2002: Message edited by: selket ]<p>[ February 23, 2002: Message edited by: selket ]</p>
