Just having a leisurely dinner with H and youngest daughter when H told me that his boss was having a dinner party. No big deal because boss has dinner parties all the time. I said how nice and continued to eat. I noticed a long silence and looked at H. He looked odd. I asked what was wrong and he said "the dinner is Saturday at his club and we're invited" I said oh how nice. He said "everyone from work is invited and everyone is going". I immediately burst into tears. They have been so close to the surface since D-day and I cry so easily now. I left the table with H shouting to me that I am acting like a baby. My daughter asked what was wrong and he told her "your mother is a baby just finish eating". He came into the bedroom where I was and said " I am part of that business, you are part of me and I want you there. All this because you THINK that OW and I were messing around and it's ridiculous" I told him to leave. I'm sincerely falling apart and I don't know what to do. My daughter is in bed and the other is expected home any time. I'm breaking and I'm afraid this time may be the last.

I'm really sorry. Not only will he not provide you with no contact, but he blames you for having a hard time. I wish I knew how to deal with these things, but the Harley way is an APPROPRIATE way for him to END his A, and as far as I'm concerned, when they continue to have contact with the OP, they are continuing the A. At the very least, they are kicking the BS in the gut every single time. And name-calling is never appropriate.<p>I guess that's the best I can do. Validate that your reaction is normal and predictable under the circumstances and nothing to be ashamed of. It is not your obligation to adjust to his insensitivity. Of course, you cannot control his behavior, so what you have to concentrate on now is what you will do. What will you do when he treats you this way in the future? What will you do about the dinner? Find your boundaries, and at least you'll have that much security.<p>Sorry you're going through this. It really sucks. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi TD,<p>Catch me up...... H & OW are history? H said that you were a part of his life and he wanted you there? <p>L.

None of it matters. I stopped calling him at work so that I didn't have to hear her voice each time. I stopped going there for any reason at all so that I don't have to see her phony smiling face. We are legally seperated but trying to work on it but I can't do it alone. He lies and lies and lies and I'm just supposed to keep fighting for my marriage alone. No I won't be at that dinner. I hope her H goes though and I hope my H feels just the way he makes me feel every single day for the past 8 months

Tiny,<p>Does her husband know about the affair? Do the others in his office know?

Her H knows and he bought her a cute little red mustang convertible for coming back to him how sweet. Some of the others in the office know. It's a small business with only like 9 employees. I don't believe the boss knows though.

Tiny,<p>I'm having evil thoughts here. The kind that I'm not sure I want people to know go through my head.<p>If only you could show up at the party and blow her, her H, and everyone away (not physically of course). Sort of be the classiest thing around... A RULES Girl.. "a creature unlike any other". If you could show more class in that one night then she does in her entire life time (have a feeling that you do already anyway.)<p>How do you think his boss would react if he knew of the affair?

The boss is a pathetic pig who has cheated on his wife of 40 years with several different people including the OW. I fear going to the dinner because I'm afraid I'll burst into tears in front of her and everyone else. Sucks to be me these days [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Tiny,<p>Well, the boss sounds like a pig.<p>I know exactly how you feel. I could not pull it off either. Sounds like a pretty pathetic group of people. I agree that not going is probably your best option.

You need to do what you feel comfortable with right now. But going and acting classy and above her(which you are)would be a slap in the face to her. You know what? My H had the OW transfered to his office. What kind of a boss would hire someone's mistress???? Is that amazing? I know he knew about the affair and that we are still married. Some men just don't get it!!!!!
Good luck...I am so sorry for your pain. Try tp be strong. Your H needs to be a lot more sensitive to you!
Max

Do you think that you could keep it together just long enough to get to the bathroom if you did have a breakdown?<p>What I am suggesting is that if you go, you send a message to them all. If you make it through, on your husband's arm and dazzling you will win. He did say a wonderful thing in between the cruel insensitivities. Focus on that during the dinner, if you think you can make it through. Even if you don't, you tried. Maybe you could ask your husband to be on your side and help you with reassurances and attention whenever you seem shakey. "Just to get through the dinner, honey."<p>Maybe he will see how reassuring you works well.<p>You know, I forced myself to see OW several times. Partially, because my H wanted me to send a message that we were togther, he made a terrible mistake even associating with her and that he loved me. The other reason was for me to conquer a place where I previously felt belonged to me, meeting my husband for lunch.<p>OW got really jealous and followed me out to be threatening, gave H dirty looks when he kissed me, she told co-workers she was upset that he brought in a new (and quite beautiful outdoor) wedding picture of ours, and that we were seeing each other so much (huh? I am his flipping wife!) etc. She made herself out to look like the psychotic nut that she is and I felt great about it. H was pleased.<p>It killed me though. I am glad that they are no longer working together and I hopefully never have to see her ugly face again. I would do it again but I am glad I don't have to. <p>Oh, by the way, I am big on visualizations and she reminds me of a duck (walk and face) so I pictured her like a duck. It was hard to feel threatened by a big squawking Psychoduck. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Tiny,<p>You may want to give more thought to going. I know it sounds daunting, but when I have faced down things like that, it made me feel so much better afterward. I've been going with my H each week to where the A started and where the OW still works. I don't know if I've seen her or not because I've never met her and only have H's description of her, so don't know exactly what she looks like. (I wonder if he'd point her out to me if he saw her?)<p>I just assume any female employee could be her or one of her friends, so I act accordingly. I am super sweet and nice to anyone I interact with there. That's pretty much the way I am in social situations anyway, but I keep it turned up at all times. And any thoughts of her are accompanied with affirmation of her discomfort, which has to be way worse than any I might have.<p>I always feel victorious and stronger afterward. They may have been able to get away with crap when they were doing it all behind my back, but once the playing field is level, NO ONE is going to get the better of me or intimidate me in any way. I will go where I please and do what I please regardless of who might be there. I know who I am and the quality of person I am, and that is what I concentrate on and project.<p>I remind myself that I did not win a prize (my H), but that *I* am the prize, and he is very fortunate to be with me. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks for holding me together last night. I feel like I'm walking on the brink of sanity these days. I don't even know who I am any more because I seem to have lost myself in dealing with his A. I think I need to give up and let things fall as they may. I know I can't do this alone and he doesn't care. He continues to lie and deny and I can't pretend it's not affecting me. I don't know what else I can do. It seems he's more interested in protecting himself and her than he is in being honest with me and working to save our marrige. I'm tired and not making much sense. Maybe things will seem different later I just don't know<p>~TD~

((((((TD))))))<p>First thing I would talk to your H about is what he said to your daughter.
Luckily for me when my H would say something like that my D's would tell him that he was wrong....they are a bit like me and say what they think.<p>Second.....I would rethink NOT going to this party.
This could be a BIG step for you.
You are letting the OW rule your life right now.....not calling H at work and not going there just to avoid her. You are giving her the upperhand.
Take it back.
Even if you have to fake it....go to that party and knock their socks off.
I didn't think that I would be able to do it....but once I passes the hurdle of doing it....it boosted my self confindence like I never thought it would.
I had to go to the restroom several times to get myself in check......but I made it.<p>Quit letting the OW rule what you do.....you are better than her.<p>It took me getting angry.....not at my H or the OW...but at the situation to get me going.
I decided that I wasn't going to let this situation get the best of me.....and I was going to show everyone that I wasn't the sniveling whiny creature that they thought I was.
I did it and impressed alot of people...even myself.
Use this situation to prove to yourself....that you can handle anything that is thrown at you....and you can handle it with grace and class.<p>Best of luck.

OK do you see the reoccuring theme here? <p>GO TO THE PARTY. <p>Walk in there knowing that everyone of us here are there with you. That is how many hundreds of us against her!!! Imagine this, you walk in the door next to your husband, but everyone of us here are right there with you. When you need support we are there. If you start to feel upset, remember the things we have told you here. <p>I am putting a little sports jargon in here but, the best defense is offense. Don't be on the defense, you go in that room and show everyone of theme the class that you have. No stinking OW is going to get you down. You are too good for that and everyone in that room will see you for the classy, wonderful woman that you are and your husband will even see it.

Tiny ~ I agree with the others, go.<p>I know it will be hard..but if you don't go, your H's OW will see that as yet another positive sign for her relationship.<p>Don't give her the green light. Go and hold your head high. <p>(((hugs)))

There is only way that I would go. And that is if I had my husband's guarantee that he would behave in the way I want him to behave.<p>No way in hell would I go there if he is still actively involved with her, and he was making googly eyes at her or whispering in a corner with her!!!<p>So unless he was going to HONOR and PROTECT me -- there's no way I'd go.<p>I don't get the impression from your posts that he's in that place. Sounds like he's still in contact. Sounds like he's not giving you what you need.

Tiny,
I think you should go too. And unlike Lexxy, I'd say count on yourself and have low expectations for your H. He'd be a fool to talk to the OW with you there, if he is otherwise acting like he wants a reconciliation. Sure, he might be a fool, but...then you'll know that as well, and can make decisions accordingly.<p>Your H didn't have to tell you about the party. But he did, and he invited you, told you that you are a part of him.<p>The last 2 years I've gone to 2 parties each each where the OW was. The years before, my H didn't invite me. The first one I went to was so uncomfortable, my H was uncomfortable and distant...but we were there and together in the face of dozens of people who knew about the A. Some of whom consider the OW to be the victim [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] . Which she is not and never was. This year went much better, H was attentive, even a little affectionate.<p>The first steps in recovery can be as difficult as the first steps in discovery. But you can't get anywhere if you don't take a step.<p>Your H took a step with the invitation, he was also a jerk telling your kid you're a baby...but progress doesn't all happen at once, and stupid words will be said.<p>Go to the party, look great, head high, big smile, stand on your own 2 feet, don't drink too much.<p>[ February 22, 2002: Message edited by: Lor (Lor) ]</p>

My advice is not to drink at all, or if it would be too ungraceful to decline, just take tiny, tiny sips. I made the mistake of drinking one time, thinking it would help me get through it easier, but it is much better to have all your wits about you.<p>It also helps when I keep my body language strong. I keep my back straight, my head with a slight uptilt, a smile going at all times, graceful movements, an appearance of total comfort and poise in my own skin. And gracious and friendly with anyone and everyone, kind of like a hostess, whatever helps those around me feel at ease and enjoy being around me. And it is possible to fake all this if you don't actually feel like it.<p>I also avoid any affectionate or possessive actions toward my H. That way anything like that comes only from him and gives the appearance that HE is the pursuer of ME. So I agree with Lexxxy that appropriate behavior from your H would be very helpful, so it can't hurt to negotiate that, but I wouldn't count on it. I do think, though, that posturing the way I'm talking about may have the effect of drawing him towards you. If you are a beautiful social butterfly, EVERYONE will be drawn to you.<p>And if your H were to be so lame that he would behave inappropriately and diss you in any way or gravitate toward OW, I would mirror him except (unlike him) *I* would zero in on the most attractive person of the opposite sex there [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] and be hanging on every word he said and acting like he was the most interesting person I ever met.<p>[ February 22, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

This is so sick it's almost funny but my H is mad at me. He says I don't know when to let things go and he says I don't know how to protect our children from being hurt. I didn't even bother to answer him. What a pathetically sad situation this has become. And it's supposedly all my fault. I think he really believes it too