I don’t understand. It sounds to me that most of you people are encouraging Talitha to back out of this marriage just because it started as an affair. Isn’t marriage, any marriage, sacred? What would be your advice to her if this were her first and only marriage? Just because the marriage is on the rocks if she backs out now isn’t she doing the same thing she did with her first marriage, running from her problems? Most of you say if the marriage is bad and you truly aren’t in love with your mate anymore, END the marriage, work on yourself, BEFORE ever beginning a relationship with somebody else. The advice you are giving here is totally contradictory to this. <p>Isn’t that what Talitha should do? See if she can save THIS marriage by following the marriage builder’s principles. Then if this marriage is unsaveable end the marriage and work on herself to realize why she has had two failed marriages. Only THEN should she go back to her first husband.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Endevor:
<strong>I don’t understand. It sounds to me that most of you people are encouraging Talitha to back out of this marriage just because it started as an affair. Isn’t marriage, any marriage, sacred? What would be your advice to her if this were her first and only marriage? Just because the marriage is on the rocks if she backs out now isn’t she doing the same thing she did with her first marriage, running from her problems? Most of you say if the marriage is bad and you truly aren’t in love with your mate anymore, END the marriage, work on yourself, BEFORE ever beginning a relationship with somebody else. The advice you are giving here is totally contradictory to this. <p>Isn’t that what Talitha should do? See if she can save THIS marriage by following the marriage builder’s principles. Then if this marriage is unsaveable end the marriage and work on herself to realize why she has had two failed marriages. Only THEN should she go back to her first husband.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I completely agree...<p>But, there are many times that Tal suggests that she does not love her husband but only wants to save the marriage for the child, for her faith, for her pride, etc. That is no reason to be in a relationship. I know those feelings. I did not want to lose my marriage at times because I did not want to lose my house, my status as being a husband, I did not want to be a statistic. Only when I decided I did not want to lose my marriage because I loved my wife, did it make a difference. Everything was pride and desperation - fear of being alone. A sick codependancy.<p>Many of us likely have made comments about the previous marriage becuase it is obvious that Tal is still not over "M." I think, though she has not said so, that she still loves him. The simple fact that she looks forward to his contact is a sign that she still wants him in her life to some extent.<p>She married the OM just four months after her divorce. She has only been married for 10 months as it is. Many of us see her FIRST marriage as not being over and this current relationship never really starting. I get the impression that Tal was swept off her feet by this Don Wan. That she got a thrill from the attraction of this older man, and now she has become his baby sitter/sex object. We all think Tal deserves better. I hope she can turn "C" around but I also know that it appears that "M" still loves her, and she still feels for him, and that perhaps there is a chance for reconcilliation with the man she first married.<p>This site is full of betrayed spouses. Of course our natural inclination is to chear for the underdog - the betrayed spouse - that he would regain his marriage. I think his patience and love for his ex-wfe is very admirable. You won't find many here that are simpathetic to "C" who has fathered four children out of wedlock, is a deadbeat father to at least three of them, and treats his wife like hired help.<p>[ February 28, 2002: Message edited by: Longing ]</p>

....Honestly, i have thought about ending this marriage and going back to my first marriage, but like endevor just said, shouldn't i apply all the principles here on MB first and then if the marriage is not salvagable, only then should i consider even returning to my first H? <p>This is what I meant when i said, if i leave now, I will just feel guilty becuz I never really gave it a chance and especially now that after so much time, my h is considering counseling?<p>I understand what you guys are saying, I sound by what i've written, like a babysitter, abused and uncared for, and it gets hard to stay in a relationship like that, but i have to try..it's only been 10 months of marriage.<p>And besides, going back to my first h would also mean, overcoming lots of hurdles, like the fact, that my ex in-laws would love to see me rot in h@LL or dead...The questions and the emotional distress i would experience having to answer why? to my previous h....financially it doesn't seem feasible, my h and i just bought a new house, a new car, starting a new business??? I know when enoughs enough, there is no excuse to stay, i guess i just have to decide, is enough enough? <p>I have told myself over and over, the only reason i stay is becuz I don't want to disappoint God, if there were no consequences or feelings of guilt or regret, i probably would have been long gone.

...i do want to say that i am listening to waht you guys are saying and it's kind of making me see my h for the person he really is...almost making me sick...but i'm so scared to feel that way about him, if i plan on making this work..<p>so much resentment and bitterness is welling up inside me...more self hatred i guess, and how i could have got myself in this position... ugh!! i had a good life before all this... I still don't know why i did what i did... and i'm so afraid to search myself and just find out,, that i'm this selfish, disgusting, prideful, uncaring person who could do this to someone who did not deserve it..<p>Well, serves me right, waht goes around comes around and now the shoe is on the other foot. i'm getting probably exactly waht i deserve, which is why i feel like i have no right to ask for advice to make my situation better...

Talitha,<p>You said that some of this serves you right. Well maybe yes and maybe no. Your H apparently has some serious character flaws, at least as viewed from this end. BUT, he must of had some other aspects of him that you were strongly attracted to.<p>More importantly a woman or a man usually doesn't leave a marriage they are happy in unless something extraordinary is offered.<p>What is my point?? The what goes around, comes around phrase has a certain accuracy to it, but remember it is a circle. You don't have to keep completing the circle. <p>My suggestion to you is to learn from this experience, learn from your first marriage. Understand why you have made the decisions you made (after all your H didn't hold a gun to your head to make you leave your first H). Talitha, learn, understand, plan, and THEN make a decision.<p>The answers won't be very clear at first, prayer and contemplation will probably be needed to acheive the understanding you need. You see, I am of the opinion that you have made a series of decisions for yourself. Those decisions were based on doing what is best to Talitha.<p>Nothing wrong with that if you were happy where you are and had no regrets. What is apparent is that while trying to make yourself happy with your decisions, you missed the mark severely. My question to you is: What is the mark???<p>You need to understand that before making any further decisions about your current marriage, your former marriage or any future relationships.<p>Do some reading here. Obtain a copy of His Needs Her Needs by Harley and see what your needs really are. Then sit back and see why you left your first H, why you are happy/unhappy with the current marriage.<p>Don't react to what is going around you: act when you know what you want to do with your life.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Personally I think you need to set some real strong boundaries, both with your husband and ex-husband. <p>As much as it hurts, you are not your step-son’s parent. You may love him more than anybody else but that will never make you his parent. (I know how much that hurts because I have two steps.) You need to start insisting that his parents do some of the work of raising the child. Believe me as soon as you are no longer doing it one of them will step up to the plate and take care of their son. If you were to leave your husband they would have to anyway. I don’t mean cut the child out of your life because that wouldn’t be fair to you or the child, but why not once in awhile say I’m sorry I won’t be able to pick-up the boy from school today you need to do it. And then take some time out for some well-deserved personal time. <p>Start practicing marriage builders techniques and set some boundaries don’t continue to be everything to everyone but yourself until the day you find out you can’t do it any longer. <p>Now as for your ex-husband, again as much as it hurts, I personally feel that you should go for no contact with him. Having him send you little emails is only confusing you more and keeping you from focusing on what you need to be doing. You need to put him completely out of your life while you straighten out your marriage. If you can’t fix your marriage then by all means leave your current husband, and then after I would say a period of 6 months go back to your first husband. If he still loves you now chances are he’s still going to love you then and you will be the more better for it because this time you will know what you really want. <p>One last thing, I agree completely with what Longing said staying in a marriage because of faith, the child, money, or pride are no reasons to stay in a marriage. You are not doing God any good by being unhappy; you are only setting yourself up for another affair. God is going to understand if you truly do everything you can in good conscience to save this marriage and then don’t succeed. Children know if their parents are unhappy. You are not doing this child a favor by staying only for him. I think the best gift a parent can give to his/her child is to love the other parent. Money does not buy happiness, either does pride. When it’s all said and done the person who is going to judge you is going to be God and he doesn’t like pride.

JL, ...miss the mark is exactly right...Ephesians 2:1-3, paul tells us that we were dead in our trespasses and sins. Trespasses is the word paraptoma, which we could describe as actions where we slipped off the right path. Sin comes from teh greek word hamartano which literally means "to miss the mark" the failure of someone to acheive their purpose, or someone simply going wrong. Adultery is sin.<p>your questions make me think? Right off the top of my head, as much as i hate to admit it and as selfish as it sounds, my sex life with "C" was unlike anything i've ever experienced with anyone else and still is, except for the fact that now i've become emotionally withdrawn so it's no longer as fulfilling. <p>Also, with my first h, i didn't feel like a "wife" whatever the definition is supposed to mean, cooking, cleaning, ironing, i never had to do anything of that nature with no pressure from my h. i guess i didn't feel "needed".. i later asked him did that ever make him love me less the fact that i didn't do those things for him.. he responded by saying "he didn't marry me to do those things, he's a grown man and his mother taught him to do those things for himself, he married me for love and companionship and a lifelong partner for better or worse.<p>And the deeper, most hurtful reason is probably becuz i didn't feel like i ever deserved to be loved like that ...this stems from my childhood..i mean if my mother told me that she would rather lose me and keep her boyfriend, then i must have been unlovable?? i know that is not true now. <p>anyhow, i am going to seek out the help of a professional counselor who can help me with these issued individually and as a couple, and if this marraige does not work out, then if God willing, my first h will still be waiting, <p>Endevor , you are right i need to set boundaries and focus on this relationship now. i am going to have a long talk with my h tonight and if he gets irate or upset, well one step closer out the door. (not to make light of it) but something has to change. this can't continue the way it is. I will do my part in getting professional help so that whatever the outcome is, i will be a better person <p>Thanks to everyone for such wise words

good for you!!! Keep us posted.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Talitha Cumi:
<strong>...if this marraige does not work out, then if God willing, my first h will still be waiting...
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Gosh, that is the most selfish thing I ever heard. I suspect that the reason why your exH might really be hanging around is to get some answers to the questions you say you never answered for him back when you left him.<p>You also state that you are a woman of faith and your current marriage IS your ministry yet you say something like this...so utterly doubtful. Either you want the marriage to work or you don't! Sheesh, woman!<p>One thing I do know about faith is that you have to have your mind made up and your face like flint. You have to be willing to stand and then stand until you are still standing and then stand some more. Your statement sounds like you are setting it all up to fail.<p>You married a man with all that baggage and you had to have known all this before you married him. And you still chose to marry him. NOT that children are baggage, but all the ex-wives and responsibilities to former families, etc., and he was willing to cheat on his last wife with you. Those are quite a few red flags.<p>You got what you wanted but now you don't want what you got... Isn't that life sometimes? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Well, IMO, the thing you need to do for you is figure out the answers. You know the reasons and the answers. You even said so here, regarding WHY you left your first H. Because you felt you were undeserving of his love. Okay. WHY? Because of the negativity your mom implanted in your brain. Okay. WHY? Because your mom was a bad parent. Okay. WHY? Probably because her parent was not such a good parent. We can only give what we have.<p>So now we have that figured out. Next thing to consider... What IF you change your attitude, but your H never changes his? Are you willing to live with it? Because even tho you gave a lot of reasons to want to leave this man, to me, they are not good reasons to leave. If you truly believe that this MARRIAGE is your ministry, then you have some work to do.<p>I also agree with Endevor that you can start pulling back and allowing the parents to do their jobs. Have plans to take care of YOU. Maybe get involved with women's ministry at church and work on loving yourself more.<p>Maybe share with your H Harley's information on the Policy of Joint Agreement and explain to him that you are not enthusiastic about being the taxi to his ex-wife. There are other means of transportation and if she is so hungry to get to church and learn about God, then she would/could/ and should find a way. She's a big girl.<p>I don't think that being a Christian wife means that you just give in to unreasonable demands, however, I DO believe it means to trust God with your H's decisions after you make your opinions known and H still decides to ignore them. Prayer is effective!<p>Here is an article that I chose to share with you that might be helpful:<p>Three States of Mind in Marriage<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Dr.Harley on States of Mind in Marriage<strong>
Having spent decades counseling couples who seem communicationally challenged, I am thoroughly convinced that it is marriage itself (or more specifically, romantic relationships) that makes communication difficult, and not differences between men and women. The men I counsel have very little trouble resolving conflicts with women, and their wives are usually just as good negotiating with men. It's conflicts they have with each other that seem impossible to resolve. My experience trying to help couples negotiate has led me to the conclusion that, left to their own devices, they negotiate from one of three states of mind, each having it's own unique negotiating rules and it's own unique emotional reactions. I call these states of mind Intimacy, Conflict, and Withdrawal. And regardless which state spouses are in, negotiations can be very difficult.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Perhaps this will help you to try to figure out a way to confront the conflict head on with your H, whatever it was or is, that is causing you to be in such a state of withdrawal. Maybe you need to tell him that his ex wife is taking advantage of you and you are not going to allow it anymore. <p>Their behavior is going to cause you to set boundaries that might not be necessary if your H would be willing to change his behavior. But what if he doesn't??? And you still want the marriage to work? Then YOU have to make some changes to let them know it's not okay...

Maybe let both of them know that you have weekend plans and you won't be available to take care of those cousins whenever... Just because she shows up at YOUR door, doesn't mean you HAVE to answer the door! Right? I mean it IS your house, right? Do you HAVE to be at home? I would do my best to make myself unavailable and I would definitely let my H know this in advance so he can make arrangements for his relatives if necessary. I don't see anything wrong with that. Both of their behavior is unacceptable to you, right? They need to get the message somehow? Would your H fault you for signing up for a Friday night class (or counseling) to better yourself????????? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>If YOU change, it won't matter if H ever changes. If you change your ways of thinking and desire to please God in all things, then your expectations are in God (for doing it HIS way), and God will take care of your H & your marriage. That's what I truly believe. Keep the faith!<p>[ March 01, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

Talitha Cumi,<p>Boy, does your thread here bring up some really uncomfortable feelings for me.<p>My first H also is "standing" for our (ex)marriage, and it's made for a confused me, at times.<p>I am remarried, and I love my H dearly. He also loves me. We have a difficult time of it (all the second marriage issues - stepkids, finances, etc.) but we are trying very hard to make this work. The love is certainly here, and we get along wonderfully. However, that "first marriage" vs. "second marriage" issue has been in the background of my mind since the beginning. <p>I was given a study by one of our members here, TnT, about the viability of second marriages in God's eyes. In fact, just this week I sent it to my ex (he asked me to do it, after we talked last month). If I can remember where it was printed, I'll get you a link for it by day's end. <p>On the other "end" there is a poster here named "Please Help" who's W married the OM, realized the mistake, divorced him and remarried her first H (Please Help). I rejoiced with this couple.<p>So, I see both sides of this situation. <p>Okay, I'll look for the link to that article and be back for you... but one thing I'd like to say... <p>Marriage vows are not to be taken lightly. There is something you need to learn from this marriage. Be sure not to move too quickly now without looking at what it is you can learn from it. Going back to what is familiar may seem like the right thing to do, but it isn't always. Sometimes, it's just comfortable, and that makes it less scary. But that doesn't make it right.<p>Also... you had an affair in your first marriage for a REASON (wrong as it was)... your first H was NOT all roses and sunshine or you wouldn't have cheated on him... so think about that. I bet a little revisionist history may be happening. I'm not saying your first H isn't a gem... but really THINK ON THIS.<p>Finally, I wish you continued blessings in your life. I understand wanting to stand before God with a clear conscience... it is a noble calling.<p>God Bless!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Endevor:
<strong>I don&#8217;t understand. It sounds to me that most of you people are encouraging Talitha to back out of this marriage just because it started as an affair. Isn&#8217;t marriage, any marriage, sacred? </strong><hr></blockquote><p>No it is not. Tell me what is sacred about a marriage born out of adultery? How in the world can God bless that marriage? I see nothing in the Bible that supports every marriage is sacred. If you talk about sacred, you have to talk about God, you have to refer to scripture.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Okieman:
<strong><p>No it is not. Tell me what is sacred about a marriage born out of adultery? How in the world can God bless that marriage? I see nothing in the Bible that supports every marriage is sacred. If you talk about sacred, you have to talk about God, you have to refer to scripture.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Well, it took me a full half hour, but I finally found the study that TnT gave me regarding the Biblical answers re: divorce and second marriages...<p>Here's the page it's on:<p>Click Here<p>It's in the middle of the page, written by "trustntruth"...and it's super long (took 7 pages to print it after I cut and paste into a Word document). There's also a link where she got the info.<p>Let me know what you think.<p>[ March 01, 2002: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</p>

...When i said that if i've given my best in this marriage and it can not be saved, then if God is willing my first h will still be there waiting, I only mean that becuz the basis of all my confusion is whether or not my current marriage now is blessed by GOd, becuz if it isn't then I don't want it. <p>My greatest desire is to be someone that God can be pleased with. I apologize if I don't know all the rules of faith, but one thing I do know is that the BIble says God searches the heart and he knows my heart, my motives, my intentions, my secret thoughts and I believe he would see, I am really trying to be a better person. Whose to say waht I'm going thru right now is not a test to build my faith in the only one who will never let me down.<p>Regardless of what happens, The only thing that matters is that GOd is with me.<p>And i do love my h, in whatever warped way i know how to love. Yes our relationship started out as adultery, and i'm sorry for that, My h knows that if i had to do it all over again, I would have chosen to stay with my first h and make it work, that is not the case in our situation, but I do want this marraige to work, and believe me when I tell you i'm trying. maybe i have my doubts but deep inside, I would love to grow old with this man and one day hope to have a much deeper relationship than we have now.<p>As for the post my TnT, I really needed to hear about what teh scripture says about returning to your previous husband. God says this is an abomination to him, If a woman divorces her h and marries another, and divorces him, she may not return to her previous h. Now becuz I am struggling to be a better person in every way, I believe the answers will come and like bintheredunthat said, Even If God chose NOT to intervene in my marriage, his word says his grace is sufficient for me. <p>Thanks for making me see a little clearer

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by new_beginning:
[QB]Let me know what you think.
QB]<hr></blockquote><p>I would run away from that dissertation as far as possible. Much falseness pervades it. I will tell you what I know - not my opinion but God's word. Marriage was instituted by God. The ONLY thing that breaks the bond is DEATH. Man instituted divorce, not God. Adultery means contaminated. The only condition where divorce is permitted by Jesus is in adultery - where the marriage has been contaminated. Paul also allows an unbeliever to walk away. In either case, there is no condition set for remarriage. Read Matthew 19:10-11. Like Jesus said, "not everyone can accept this word".

Honestly, i have thought about ending this marriage and going back to my first marriage, but like endevor just said, shouldn't i apply all the principles here on MB first and then if the marriage is not salvagable, only then should i consider even returning to my first H? <p>Yep, you certainly should, if you honestly want to be married to him for the "right reasons." Again, based on what you wrote, I don't see that you do. You have listed pride, the child, and finances as a reason to retain the marriage. Perhaps I missed it but I don't recall you once stating that you love this man more than life itself (or anything similiar). Love is a reason, to me, to save a marriage. Inconvenience and other assorted reasons is not. *shrug* Your mileage may vary. <p>This is what I meant when i said, if i leave now, I will just feel guilty becuz I never really gave it a chance and especially now that after so much time, my h is considering counseling?<p>I agree. Counseling is a great step and one I hope is successful for you.<p>I understand what you guys are saying, I sound by what i've written, like a babysitter, abused and uncared for, and it gets hard to stay in a relationship like that, but i have to try..it's only been 10 months of marriage.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] You say ONLY ten months, I say, you have been married for TEN MONTHS and you already are being treated this way?? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] You guys should still be living like honeymooners at this point! But, who am I to talk. My wife had already started her affair ten months into our marriage.<p>And besides, going back to my first h would also mean, overcoming lots of hurdles, like the fact, that my ex in-laws would love to see me rot in h@LL or dead...<p>All the hurdles in the world, in either relationship, are irrelevant to a loving relationship. I told my wife I would live in a cardboard box if it meant we could be happily married. She is the most significant thing in my life (besides my faith) and all other "things" pale in importance. She feels much the same way. If your first husband does really love you, he will protect you from any negative emotions from your in-laws. It is what I will do for my wife. If my own parents cannot forgive her and treat her lovingly, then I will have nothing to do with my OWN parents.<p>The questions and the emotional distress i would experience having to answer why? to my previous h....financially it doesn't seem feasible, my h and i just bought a new house, a new car, starting a new business??? I know when enoughs enough, there is no excuse to stay, i guess i just have to decide, is enough enough? <p>Yes, you do have to decide that at some point. Only you can make that choice. As much as I would like to see you back with your first husband, you have to give counseling a fair chance. My guess is your current husband will have to make some SERIOUS changes in order for you to enjoy your marriage. I honestly don't know if he can or if he is willing to. He does not have a great track record.<p>[b]I have told myself over and over, the only reason i stay is becuz I don't want to disappoint God, if there were no consequences or feelings of guilt or regret, i probably .[b]<p>Hmmm, all I can say is that none of us can fathom the will of God. Perhaps it was God's will that you do what you did in your first marriage. I doubt it but what do I know. Perhaps it was God's will that you not marry the man you are married to. Again, I would have no way of knowing. Perhaps it is His will that you save this marriage. That is something neither of us likely know.<p>I know that when I did not know what to do, I prayed to God daily for a sign. I asked for patience and strength daily in my prayers. It just so happened that at church one Sunday night with my wife (the only time we have ever went on Sunday night), the sermon was on patience. I took such as a sign that I should continue to be patient.<p>None of us can fathom the will of God. We can only follow the interpretation of scripture. Based of what I know, I cannot say what would be proper. You are in a marriage born out of deadly sin. I honestly don't know if that makes the marriage wrong or if because you are married, that your relationship is some how sactified.<p>I think you need to spend some time, perhaps privately with a counselor, to help you decide if you do want this marriage - and for the right reasons.<p>If I had once read that you really loved this man, I would have responded differently throughout all of this. I don't recall ever seeing you state such and that causes me great concern regarding your motivations to save this marriage.

I do love my h, that is why I'm here, to know the proper tools to build a great marriage. As you can all tell, i haven't made the greatest decisions in life and most of them have been spur of the moment, but i'm not willing to do that to myself again. I'm not going to run away from this. I will do all that i can do, ..let's just start with a change in me first, not my h, but me. <p>I love my h, maybe not a love that is based on scripture, we are all limited human beings and it would take great self discipline to love as Christ loved, but please know, I do want to see my h the way Christ sees him and with all the love that despite his mistakes, Christ is convinced of our guilt yet insists on our forgiveness.. I want to love like that!

And i do love my h, <p>This is the first time you have said such. At least now I know that you do. Now I see that there may truly be a reason to save your marriage. It only took you three pages to say such. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

This article is consistent with Okieman's understanding of remarriage. I must admit I really struggle with this issue. <p>hg.<p>Biblical Grounds for Divorce and Remarriage

Okieman, <p>I don't know how to do quotes properly but here goes. According to TnT's bible thread:<p>"Marriage is a sacred institution. God never intended for a man and wife to divorce for any and every reason. A man should not frivolously divorce his wife. If she marries another man he may not take her back for any reason. This command of God is not only given in the Old Covenant, but also in the New. The Lord commanded, "Let not the wife depart from her husband: but and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband" (1 Cor. 7:11). She must remain unmarried. The clear implication here is that if she does not remain unmarried and marries another man, then she cannot be reconciled to her former husband because this is still an abomination to God. If a woman divorces her husband and she becomes another man's wife, she may not return to him, according to the command of God."<p>and the other post (I forget by who): <p>"Deuteronomy 24:1-4 tells us that when a man finds &#8220;some uncleanness&#8221; in his wife, divorces her, and they both marry new mates, they cannot ever undo this new marriage to remarry each other."<p>
So according to both those scriptures if Talitha divorces her current husband and then remarrys her first according to the bible she would be wrong to do so. I don't really want to get into a bible debate, I can do so but bottom line I don't think we are going to agree. <p>Personally and just my opinion, no matter how a marriage starts you are still making a vow. Just because it's a second marriag, and started due to making a mistake, is not immediate grounds to not have to honor that vow. The marriage bond in the first marriage was broken when she cheated on her first husband, sad and a mistake yes, but that marriage is now over. I just can't believe that because a person starts a relationship with adultry and then marries that person that gives him/her a reason to act unfaithfully toward their current marriage partner. Cheating on the first partner is by no means right but using that as an excuse to cheat on the second partner is componding the error and two wrongs do not make a right. <p>One more thing, again just my personal opinion, Talitha having any sort of email contact with her first husband constitutes an emotional affair, especially if she's keeping it secret from her now husband, because it engages her heart and emotions and is hindering on focusing on her marriage and according to marriage builders is completely wrong.

...I have not had any contact with previous h since july of 2001, after my current h found out and we worked thru this... i stated before that, my previous h does email, but i do not respond and since this thread has continued i have felt convicted to block his email address, so i don't expect any more reminders from him that would hinder me from completely focusing on my current marriage which i wholeheartedly intend to do.<p>I lean more on the side that no matter how a marriage started it is still a vow and should not be broken just becuz the basis of it was adultery, whether sacred or not. two wrongs don't make a right. <p>And to be completely honest here. My ex was a wonderful man and husband to me, but so much time has past that now, i realize i do love him, but not as a h, but as a friend who has shown me such care and love in my life. With his emails, he was meeting my emotional needs of feeling admired and cared for, but if i could have it my way, I would transfer all his great qualities onto my current h, becuz it is him i truly love...my current h, that is. <p>Jesus states that when we ask for forgiveness, they are washed under his blood, in the sea of forgetfulness, that means that even though this marriage started as sin, becuz we hvae both repented and are trying to live the "christian life" we have a clean slate, maybe not in our minds becuz like i said we are limited humans and we tend to forgive but not forget, but in Christ, all our past sins are forgiven and forgotten. <p>Maybe that's why even when i read my ex's emails, i felt like i was extremely wrong...That to me, was God's way of saying, Don't look back, just focus on now. I don't know. <p>You guys offer so much support and wisdom. I appreciate all your time and your wise counsel, even when it's painful to hear. Thanks