<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by veryhurtHarley:
<strong>To any BS out there who knows the OP is married and continuing to lie to their spouse, I say you definitely SHOULD tell their spouse of the affair. Think of the pain this person has caused. Don't you feel it's at least justified that they should go through it too? Don't you think their own turmoil will cause difficulty in your WS continuing the affair?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I never said a word to OMw. At first I used it as a deterrent. My W was so adamant about me not telling, because they had a young daughter and W couldn&#8217;t live with be known as the reason that child&#8217;s parents split up. (I know fine time to think of that) So I used it, I told my W if found continued contact I would call her. I&#8217;m sure that got back to him as he all but vanished after D-Day. I did call his home office one night and leave a message that HE should tell her because I was going to and it would sound better coming from him. But honestly I don&#8217;t know if he ever did. <p>Too this day I wish I had called her. But in all honesty it would only be to hurt him. Now that it has been so long I feel like I would have to apologize to her for not speaking up sooner. You see OM was only engaged at the time of the A. He married this poor girl 2 months after D-Day. Also for some WARPED reason I feel like the hell she would then be living, would in part be caused by me.<p>oz<p>p.s. Pepperband, your my new hero, I wish I could have thought that clearly in the begining.<p>[ March 04, 2002: Message edited by: oswald ]</p>

Pepper, I think that you had a great idea. I honestly think that if I had tried that with my wife, she would have walked away from our marriage before going to the OM's wife. When I first found out about the identity of the OM, I threatened to tell the wife and she packed her bags but never left. After I told the wife, my W stated that I was being spiteful and mean spirited, to which I agreed with her, but only after pointing out that her calling me these things was like the pot calling the kettle black. She was so angry that I had hurt her wonderful OM, that she stated that she was leaving me after she found a place to live, again, she never left. But in all honesty, if she had left me because I wanted her to tell the OM's wife, or because I did, I would have taken it as she choosing him over me, and I really don't think I would have wanted to be with her anyway at that point.

fa, I understand ya about real life, and if it came to that, I was prepared to go the distance with him, that's the way guys work (well most of us), but would be a shame for someone to die over such things....nor is that kind of violence necessary, or justified under those circumstances..<p>[ March 04, 2002: Message edited by: sad_n_lonely ]</p>

For me, my feelings towards the OW are affected by my two telephone contacts with her. After D-day, I called her and I told her that I loved my husband, there had been problems in my marriage and that my three children would be devastated if their family was destroyed. She replied "I think this could be a grand love and I can't give it up" but agreed to leave my husband alone to decide what he wanted to do. This was followed by a telephone message offering to s*** my husband's c*** and then she f***ed him 3 times when he went to her city to break it off.
It was funny, I had a few telephone conversations with her H and she didn't like it one bit when I started calling him.

When I first found out about my husbands affair last year I was very tempted to contact OW -she was single- but sat on my hands and resisted. H said if I had contacted her he would have left me then. Instead he left three months later and at the time there didn't seem to be any one else. Since then he has started seeing another woman who is single. I don't know how to contact her but anyway its my husband who is the problem. That said I wonder sometimes how she feels about me. H. comes twice a week and often spends time with me. I'm not sure if he hides it from her but I send letters, cards, e.mails and text messages to him so in her eyes I'm probably the OW>!!
Jante

I never hurt the ow but I am sure if the opportunity, to come face to face with her I would have. Especially my state of mind at the time. I even thought about waiting and running he down with my car. Or hiring a hit man. But alas, I didn't because I felt I would be caught. And, then my children would have to pay. <p>Whenever, I heard of a fatal accident or shooting I was hoping that she was the dead victim. I know that's not nice, but that is how I felt. It's amazing what affairs will do to a BS.<p>I didn't choose my H to become a victim, because I loved him and wanted him back. If he were dead that wouldn't be possible.<p>Funny how this thread upset Clarkie and got his panties in a wad. I guess this behaviour and feeling felt by the BS could be called 'Fatal Reaction'. It certainly is understandable.

"clarkies panties in a wad"????<p>Nah, merely SOAKED! God ya'll make me WET! BEAT ME, RUN OVER ME, SOAK ME IN ACID! whatever floats yer boat! SEE, I just don't get it. I never really blamed the my exW's OM. Was it that I didnt have a computer? Was I selfish? Or was it that he was someone I did not know, and SHE was my wife, the one that was SUPPOSED to be comitted to ME? Sorry, I guess I'm just more posessive of those that make vows and promises to me, than I am wanting to strike out at those who were mere "opportunists". <p>pointing out I've been BS and OP now....who knows, maybe I'll be a WS before I croak. (ugh)<p>hugs, c

How's this? If infidelity were a crime punishable by the BS, if we could exact the revenge we wanted and it was condoned by law, well in that case wouldn't cases of infidelity be alot less prevalent in the world? <p>Sometimes I think that this type of thing happens alot because it can - - - because our society does nothing to prevent it and there are no real consequences of having done it. If I had a bad marriage and sought the attention of another woman I would sure as hell be less likely to act out that fantasy if the consequenses were my throat being cut by some biker my wife may know. Whatta y'all think of that?

Well if violent acts against the OP were condone by law, then I guess quite a few BS would take advantage of them.<p>I don't agree that if OP was severly punished by societies around the world that it would stop infidelity. Just look at the nations that have the death penalty and you'll see that it has not been much of a deterrent in preventing future murders.<p>But assume for a minute that one was capable of carrying out vengeance against OP. Most of the time it would be in a fit of uncontrollable anger. But once the 'fog' of said anger passed, the people with a conscience would realized that they are now murderers. Even if the laws of man did not punish the murder of an OP, the conscience of a normally good person would be so heavy with the deed that in time it could lead to the total destruction of that person. <p>We are told that infidelity is like and addiction, well I would also say that murder is an addiction.<p>Joe

Yes i did confront one of wife's OM, and yes i
beat the **** out of him in front of his wife,my
wife,and all of our mutual friends for his part in
my wife's A. I found it relieved alot of stress for me. Incidentally his wife is divorcing him,
and he has the nerve to blame me.(roflmao)<p> Im not saying its for everyone but it did wonders for me. hope this helps.<p> Rusty
[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Harley,
Forgot to mention that i was arrested,
stood trial on aggrivated assault (premeditated).
Also intent to do grievous bodily harm. he won't
be able to walk without cane for long time as i
broke his leg in 3 or 4 places. Charges were dropped due to temporary insanity.<p> So if you really want to release those demons from inside yourself all i can say is don't let
it go as far as i did.<p> Rusty
PS. it was actually extreme emotional and mental duress, not temp insanity although lawyer said that might have worked as well [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ March 05, 2002: Message edited by: hrtng4lngtimenow ]</p>

With respect to the question about suicides by the betrayed spouses, there have been two BS's from this board in the last few years who have died in single car accidents - and in many cases, single car accidents are disguised suicides.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by TowardsTheFuture:
<strong>Quit thinking about yourselves so much...it was probably thinking more of "you" than it was "the TWO of you (as in you and your spouse)" that got you to where you are now to begin with. More pain will solve nothing...</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I missed this the first time around, but you gotta be kidding [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>While two wrongs definitely don't make a right, having an affair is the ultimate thinking of only one's self. And while it does take two to contribute to a poor marriage, to blame the BS for the WS' affair is ludicrous [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

An affair is a symptom of a bad marriage, not a cause...perhaps if the marriage had not been bad, then the affair would have never happened? That's what I meant...do you REALLY see how you contributed to the situation? Of course the affair was her decision...and she was intimidated and coerced accordingly for DARING to act on her own, right?<p>My, my, what a quick temper...<p>[ March 05, 2002: Message edited by: TowardsTheFuture ]</p>

Some countries do punish adultry my death... both of the WS and the OP. These are mostly, if not all, Muslim countries. It does at least prevent repeat affairs I suppose.<p>The other affair prevention they use is to lock the women up in their homes. So in those countries insest is more normal then affairs.<p>It also prevents affairs.

I'm sorry - I havent' read all the posts yet, but I plan to. So if I am posting something that is irrelevant to the later posts, I appologize.<p>My W's OM is also a predator. He has been married no fewer than three times each ending because of an A. The lies he told my W are so incredible that I wonder how my W ever believed them.<p>Knowing this man's history and all of the techniques he used to seduce my W has filled me with an anger that I never knew was possible. Yes, I have fantasized about hurting this OM - physically, emotionaly, through work, etc. But this is truly not me - I am not that kind of person and I resent this person for bringing these feelings out in me.<p>The truth is, I was going back over all of the information I have on this OM and something happened inside me. I started to become less angry. I started to realize that this OM is a pathetic human being who will never find true happiness. I also realized that he has a pattern that will likely never change, and that someday he will do this to the wrong man's wife - one that will do something about it. And I actually found comfort in this.<p>Now its time for me to go back and read the rest of the posts and maybe add additional comments if appropriate.

Towards the Future,<p>Your past posts border on ridiculous. Let me get this straight, you had an affair - you are a WS right? <p>How can I or anyone else be selfish to be suffering the worst pain and torment of our lives? How is it about restoring my ego to have been victimized and want justice? You have to be kidding. <p>My wife's first affair was not because of any marriage failure at all - we were completely happy - she will tell you this. The second affair was much worse, and yes I admit that my job requirement left her with unmet emotional needs, but it was not an appropriate response to have had an affair.<p>Furthermore, if I don't get my needs met I do not make a decision to cause incredible pain and maybe even destroy the lives of those I love - WS's do - my wife did, you did. U took the path of a coward because instead of trying to work out your marital issues, you ran to someone else - making a bad situation 10 000 times worse. <p>This pain and torment in my heart and mind now is because she was selfish and cruel - and it will go on and on and on. How am I thinking about myself too much when I can't stop seeing her and him together in my mind? That comment was uncalled for. <p>What your post says to me is that you have NO IDEA what BS's go through but by reading this thread you should understand the enormity of disaster WS's can reap in the world by THEIR selfishness and pathological lying. <p>BTW, if I was reading your post right, you say YOU would have been out the door if your SO reacted badly to the extraordinary stress YOU gave him. You need a reality check TTF.<p>People that have problems in relationships solve the problems - they don't run to someone else. Ther is NO justification for what my wife did, NONE - and there is PLENTY justification for BS's hurting someone right back. That's not an ego trip it's nature; i.e. if u kick a dog too hard he will bite back.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Nellie1:
<strong>With respect to the question about suicides by the betrayed spouses, there have been two BS's from this board in the last few years who have died in single car accidents - and in many cases, single car accidents are disguised suicides.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I agree with this statement, Nellie!!<p>This whole thread is an exercise in "letting off some steam"... <p>I met OW#2 face-to-face, and have to say that it was icky. I wanted to smack her, but didn't. I wish I would have. <p>I went to meet OW#5, but chickened out. My (then)H wanted her instead of me, and I knew I'd just look like a pathetic fool, so I left her alone. She was afraid of me though, and that was fine.<p>OF COURSE the person I should have been maddest at was my (then)H. DUH! He's the one who broke the VOWS, not his skanky OW's. <p>But I was ALSO mad at the OW's (plural) who KNEW that he was married and hung on to him anyhow. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] I have no idea about OW #1-4, but I know for a fact that OW#5 is bar-hopping and miserable because she expected to marry my ex-H when the divorce became final. Oh, too bad so sad, he DIDN'T LOVE HER. Whoops! Now they're both alone. And that IS sad, since a bunch of lives were ruined to get there.<p>I once got in a BIG ARGUMENT on these boards because someone (a BS - woman) said she'd feed a chunk of meat to the OW and stand a foot in front of her and watch her choke to death without helping. I was HORRIFIED! But ya know, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it's NORMAL to want to harm the person who harmed (or killed) your marriage. It doesn't mean we DO IT.

<p>[ March 05, 2002: Message edited by: F A ]</p>

Being a WS, you must realize that I have a BS in my life. Myself and our therapist are all VERY familiar with what he's gone through...what we've both gone through. That being considered, I know what a healthy BS recovery is supposed to look like, and what it's supposed to at least partially consist of. At some point, you have to begin to let go of your hurt and anger and work on recovering your marriage. That's my main point in all of this...all of this venting and whining will amount to nothing, provide no insight or help, and get nothing done.<p>It's very important to keep goals in mind, to think about our actions and what we want to ultimately accomplish, and whether our actions will lead us closer to that goal or push us farther away from it.