I have come to believe all of you who have told me that it is not possible to be just friends with this OW friend of mine.<p>I know that, my head knows that, but this stupid heart of mine aches like I am loosing something so precious. When I look at it logically, I am not loosing anything.<p>This woman has values and an emotional makeup that is nothing that I would choose to be married to. And yet I can not simply walk away. I feel as if I am a cocaine addict in the grips of something.<p>I have to work with this woman on a project for the next few months. I am going to really keep it on a business level. I have tried that, and then this weekend she calls me and in the course of talking about the work she calls me her little guardian angel. Then I get right back into falling in love. And then today she tells me that she does not need to hear that I love her all the time.<p>I realize this is hurting me and my family. I need to break. How do you stay strong? I would really like to hear from OW, as I feel as if I am the woman here, in that I fell for this woman with my heart.<p>Thank you.<p>I need guidance

You have come a long way in a week. You done good... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I will bow out and let others help him through his addiction and withdrawal.

Hey mm,
Not sure if you have read these yet, but they could have some helpful tidbits. Hang in there! You do sound well! I know you think you have everything under control, but maybe you need to switch jobs??? I can't find the quote, but I remember Dr.Harley saying something like "treat yourself like an addict trying to get clean of drugs." If that were the case, how would you handle yourself?<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Dr.Harley:
<strong>Anything that takes one spouse away from the other overnight is an invitation for an affair. But when an opposite-sex co-worker tends to join a spouse on business trips, red flags should be flying in all directions. Any evidence that this relationship is anything more than pure business is, from my perspective, a gigantic clue that an affair might be in progress. That's also the case if a spouse and opposite-sex co-worker spend a great deal of time working together.<p>We are all wired to have an affair. We can all fall in love with someone of the opposite sex if that person meets one of our emotional needs. If you don't think it can happen to you because of your conviction or will-power, you are particularly vulnerable to an affair. And if you think your spouse would never have an affair, you are also vulnerable.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>How Affairs Should End<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Dr.Harley:
<strong>But if you give into your craving before withdrawal has ended, and contact your lover, the period of withdrawal will begin all over again. Those feelings of anxiety and depression will come back with a vengeance. All of your efforts to reconcile with your husband will be wasted, and it will test the limits of your husband's patience. So you must take extraordinary precautions to avoid ever seeing or communicating with him again. <p>Extraordinary Precautions to Avoid A Former Lover<p>To help you totally separate from your lover, and avoid the temptation to see him when you crave him the most, I suggest the following extraordinary precautions:
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Recovery (Extraordinary Precautions to Avoid a Former Lover)

I was the OW once. I cheated on my spouse. When the affair ended the part I had the most difficulty with was no contact. I couldn’t handle the thought of never talking to my best friend ever again. Forever just sounded too harsh and was a possibility that I couldn’t bear to think about.<p>So here’s a challenge for you. Don’t think of it as forever. Break all contact with her for 6 months. It’s going to be difficult for you to do since you work with her but you need to keep your relationship strictly business. Don’t let her call you her guardian angel or any other endearment. When she does you must be firm and end the conversation. And by all means you don’t call her any endearments or tell her you love her. Take it day-by-day, minute-by-minute, and just be strong for that moment, hour, or day. For every day you do it you will get stronger. <p>IF you work on the marriage builder’s practices I can guarantee that at the end of 6 months you will be stronger and better able to deal with the end of the friendship. IF you do what you are supposed to do you won’t miss the friendship and no contact won’t seem too difficult to do. You will have a stronger fulfilling marriage. Notice I put the emphasis on IF, you MUST do your part, you MUST practice the principle stated here. You MUST work on your marriage and keep the OW’s relationship with you only business. IF you don’t, nothing will change and in 6 months you will still be miserable trying to break away from her.

mm... BinThere posted exactly what was on my mind... Read the Basic Concepts on this website...<p>Check out some books on "Affairs." Many of the authors compare them w/ addictions... and yes, you will go through a 'withdrawal' period. Seek out support for this withdrawal time... Do your homework by doing some background research... you will soon find out that you are not so unique... and that there is a way out...<p>Cali

I know how you feel. I had to change jobs in order to have any chance of breaking off contact with OM, with whom I was having an EA. I know what you mean, my current situation is better than I could ever hope to have with OM, yet I can't let go of hoping we will be together someday. I fell completely and passionately in love with OM, but I also really like him too. I want this person in my life again some day. <p>What keeps me from contacting him now is the fact that I have to break off contact and fall out of love, if I have any chance in the world of resuming a friendship with this person. As perverse and stupid as it sounds, each day I don't connect or reach out to OM is a day closer to when I'll be able to reach out to him as a friend. <p>I need to prove to myself and to him that I can get over him. I need to prove to myself that I have the self control to not contact him.<p>I have told myself that after 3 months of not contacting him or having any contact from him, (its been 6 weeks) I can call him up….but not until then. I'm hoping that after three months, I'll realize that there's no need to contact him. That I really shouldn't contact him.

MM--
Please read THIS! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] It is my story and before I go on with advice, I'd like you to have a clear understanding of my background. Will you do that? Let me know when you have...

I am soooo glad you have seen the light, mmseekingadvice.<p>That is a good step. I have a huge amount of respect for that.<p>I see you are hurt and confused and torn by this secret. If you get it out - there is nothing else to hide, there is nothing else to worry about. Basically you are free from the burden of this secret. It will also take away the power and pull of an affair - it exposes you to reality and the affair no longer controls your mind. The "dream" of what it is like with her will be squashed by your Wife's pain and you will be consumed with thoughts of how you can make it up to her.<p>Though I am not a WS, I hope a lot of WS step in and help you through this. I understand the pull is real and it hurts. You have made a huge step here. Keep stepping, keep walking, keep seeking help and truth, keep being honest with yourself.

Thanks for all the advice. I feel so damn low today. I can not concentrate on work or anything. I miss this OW. It is crazy because there is nothing to miss: Phone calls each day, a few dinners. But I am torn up over loosing her. And I realize that I am not loosing anything.<p>This is the worst spot I have ever been in emotionally, and it is all because I allowed myself to fall in love in such an unrealistic way. If only I had just gone to dinner, enjoyed her company and kept my feelings to myself. But by telling her, I opened myself up. In such a strange way, I feel dependent on her. And yet she is not the emotional kind of woman that I would chose to have a long-term relationship. My wife is that kind of woman and her love for me is so strong.<p>Why, I keep asking myeslf, am I so obsessed with this woman? I have never ever done that in the past.<p>I was doing better and then she called sunday and that started the cycle up again -- I felt high, great. Then on Monday she tells me she doesn't need to hear about love all the time -- and I crash.<p>I totally relate to women who are swept off their feet by a man who just wants to get them to bed. And as soon as the sex is over, the man wants to get out of there.<p>I dont think many men can relate to me here because this was never about sex. It was about a girfriend, holding hands, looking in her eyes -- high school junk.<p>I appreciate all the help, and any other suggestions are welcome

Do you see how telling your wife could help you by squashing the fantasy of it?

MM,
Telling you wife will be the best thing that you can do. When I saw the pain on my H's face when he found out about my A, it was all it took for me. It will be the hardest thing that you will ever do. But you can't do this on your own. Seeing how your wife reacts will bring you into reality real fast. When everything is out in the open, believe me, it will be like a lead weight is lifted off you shoulders. And it will definitely squash the fantasy.
Take care!
1step

Perhaps someone has already said this, but you need to articulate to yourself exactly what this woman was giving you and get it from your wife. You need to redirect your feelings of romance and love to your wife. You need to tell your wife what you need. If you need more attention, tell her. If you need more affection or romance, tell her. If you need to feel special tell her. I gave my husband a list of things...easy things,,,he could do to make me feel special each day...it has actually helped. You need to go on a campaign to make your wife feel like the special wife that she is.

One of the major problems for me is that I can not figure out what my wife could do. Or, more importantly, what it was about this woman that so appealed to me.<p>If I had to analyze myself -- always dangerous -- it would be that I had embarked on this huge project -- working alone out of an office and the project scared me. She was a part of it -- not a co-worker, but someone involved very indirectly. I talked with her, asked questions of her as it progressed. I came to view this meetings as dates, and looked forward to them. That is when I fell in love.<p>I dont see this woman each day, talk with her, but we dont have a relationship in the traditional sense. So what could my wife do? Nothing really. Or nothing I could put my finger on.<p>I wonder if I will lose feelings for this woman when project ends. As you can see in my early post, I pull away and then something happens to pull me back in.<p>I wish I was stronger, and I am trying to be. But I miss the fantasy I guess.<p>I could never tell my wife because she is a great woman and I would not want to hurt her. I want this to end and not have her have to be hurt.<p>And, if I am being honest, there are times when I read the other posts on here about affairs and think "Well, MINE would be different.' And I know that is not rational either.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I could never tell my wife because she is a great woman and I would not want to hurt her. I want this to end and not have her have to be hurt.<p> <hr></blockquote><p>Don't you see how you are struggling? By not telling her, you have no one to answer to for your actions. So it is going to be twice as hard if not impossible to get over this obscession. You need to tell her. It will hurt, but it's not fair to keep her in the dark. Put yourself in her shoes. You need to work together WITH her to save your marriage. I know everthing you are going through. I've been there, done that. And I know you can recover from this.
1step

MM,<p>LOL, your affair would be different? Well, so far its exactly the same as every other one. And we can even write the ending with a few variations. But they all involve severe pain for your wife and you and even your OW.<p>But dont expect the OW to make it easy for you to part from her. She is getting something out of your relationship too, and see how she is able to draw you right back in. She has the moves down. You must take a bold step to change the pattern. Let her know you love your wife and that the things you have been doing are a mistake. Let your wife know, give her the gift of honasty and openness in your marriage.

mm...<p>The Harleys have an excellent workbook that goes w/ LoveBusters and His Needs/Her Needs... 5 steps to Romantic Love .<p>I feel sure that if you and your wife were to do the worksheets and questionaires, you would soon discover not just WHAT needs were not being fulfilled... but HOW your wife can better fulfill them...<p>Secondly, check out Jim Conway's books on Men in Midlife Crisis... you just might learn some stuff about yourself and the 'time of life' you are in.<p>Cali

1ststep:
You have been married about as long as I have. I just can't bring myself to tell wife. At this point my friendship with this woman did not develop into a full-fledged affair.<p>I wish there was a way you could email me and we could talk.

MM,
I would be glad to help. Email me at candh@mjt.net. I look forward to hearing from you.
1step

I agree that exposing this emotional affair is the way to go. The temptor loves to keep us tormented in secret. Once he is exposed, the temptation will stop, I betcha!<p>Don't ignore the spiritual connotations of what is happening to you. Hence, the lack of reasonable expanations for your actions/thoughts and the strong emotional pull toward OW who seemingly could care less about you.<p>Recover your dignity and self-worth and realize what you have at home. The grass is not greener on the other side, it's a myth!<p>Your mind tells your heart who to love. Make the right decisions starting today. Start refilling your wife's love bank in the affection department. Here are some of Harley's suggestions on how to start:<p>How to Meet the Need for Affection<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Dr.Harley:

1. Hug and kiss your wife and tell her you love her every morning while you're still in bed. Rub her back for a few minutes before you get up.
2. Tell her that you love her while you are having breakfast together.
3. Kiss her and tell her you love her before you leave for work.
4. Call her during the day to ask how she is doing and that you love her.
5. After work, call her before you leave to tell her when you will be home, and tell her you love her.
6. Buy her flowers on the way home at least once a week, with a card that tells her you love her.
7. When you arrive home from work, give her a big hug and kiss and spend a few minutes talking to her about how her day went. Don't do anything else before you have given her your undivided attention.
8. Tell her that you love her as you are having dinner together.
9. Help her clear off the table and wash and dry the dishes with her, giving her a hug and kiss at least once, and tell her that you love her.
10. Hug and kiss her and tell her you love her in bed before you both go to sleep.

<hr></blockquote>

It's interesting to note you say in the same post that you're so 'in love' with her, but that it was never about sex. Just a girlfriend, holding hands kind of thing. That's how my H's affair started. They walked on the beach holding hands, after of course he confessed how much he cared for her. And even had the nerve to use me as an opening line "My wife thinks I have a crush on you." <p>Guess what? It wasn't 24 hours later that they had sex for the first time. And after swearing to everybody that NOTHING happened and that she was just trying to be his 'friend' she had him in her H's bed while he was out of town. By the way, her H was my H's best friend. Oh, and then they came to MY house and were in MY bed. But they were just friends. My H even told a mutual friend after all of this that he would never have to look elsewhere for sex as he had a great sex life at home.<p>No, you may not necessarily ever have sex with her. But you've already broken your marriage vows. Stay strong. Tell your wife.