I'm posting here as well as just found out as I'm VERY desperate! I've just found condoms in his wallet. I was so upset and right now I'm in tears as I write this. He was in a particularly bad mood when he got home, tried to see what was wrong, snooped and found condoms. - I'm shattered. I didn't think it could hurt this much again but it does. Someone tell me why I'm doing this. Why don't I just kick him out?<p>Is it bait or does he intend to use them? Why is he doing this to me? <p>I asked him if there was anything he wanted to tell me. <p>He's planning on moving out, I asked him if he was planning this while I was on holidays. <p>I cant' do this anymore I've been plan Aing for nearly 2 months it was getting better then this. I hate him so much I feel like I don't know. I want to die. I want to die I want to die.

Oh my, does he know you know? I say be quiet and wait until you are calmer and have some ideas from here.. on how to broach the subject... I do not know... <p>I know I started some fights about my h's cell phone when he was at home... and they just blew up as he was lying.. and it led to more lies.. anyway... hugs to you.. .think on it, and sleep on it... deep breathes.. do something special for you! It will get better... wait and get feedback... on how to broach this with himl.... are you in counseling, that would help... if not.
Hugs, HONEY

I think you should ask him why the condoms are in his wallet. See what his answer is. You have your own answer and we can assume he is using them, but maybe he has not used them yet? Still, you should ask.<p>Then watch and listen. Watch his body language, see if he maintains eye contact with you. See if he tries to change the subject to make it more about your snooping rather than owning up to his mistakes.<p>Then maybe you could share with him about genital warts which is a venereal disease not prevented by wearing condoms... I believe you can do all this without lovebusting any further, as he may consider your having gone into his wallet an "annoying behavior." Oh well, when your health is at risk, I don't see how it was a love buster on your part!!!!!!

What would happen if you took them out of his wallet and just wait and see if he says something to you? hmmmmmm, just thinking.
hugs
bb

Hi Seahorse - I am sorry that you have been dealt this additional pain. You do not deserve this.<p>Hopefully, you know me well enough at this point to listen to this blunt assessment: The fact that he's having sex with her or is at least planning it, while emotional for you - a real slap in the face - is entirely consistent with everything else he's done so far. In fact, it should be expected. I know this doesn't remove the pain for you. But you need to get beyond this discovery and get focused on your Plan A. Remember , this is a rollercoaster.<p>I recommend you not say anything about the condoms and don't take them. It'll just be a huge love buster that you snooped and he'll use this to further justify that he's doing the "right" things. Remember, he thinks you are the "cause" of all this - whether he actually says this or not. If anything, buy him some more with a statement that you're concerned about his health.<p>WAT

Its too late, I've asked him to go. It was just far too much pain to bear. He tried to tell me he was hoping we would use them on the side of the road. He ws particularly mean to me tonight to the point of threatening to punch me. I don't need this. <p>He told me there had been four other women in the last few months.<p>I told him to go and I don't want any contact with him till he sorts it out. I've initiated plan B, although I don't think there's any hope left now. He told me marriage was over. I told him I don't want it to be, but not with other women hanging around. <p>He is going to thailand to ride elephants - I don't think it will be elephants he's riding. <p>Sorry, I feel like I let everyone down, especially you, WAT, I feel like I've failed. This sum up my life now, one big ****ing failure. I just could not take anymore,. I felt like I was going to kill him, I felt revolted everytime I looked at him, thinking where he's been. when he threatened to hit, it was just the end. He's never done this before, I've never seen him so angry. What happened to us? What did I do that was so bad? <p>I just don't care anymore, My life is over, my love is gone forever (he was gone many months ago).<p>I really feel like dying right now, like just killing myself. I've had it, I had life, now I just want some peace. I will never love anyone again, I will never trust anyone again and I don't want to live like this.

Seahorse - get in to see your doctor ASAP. You likely need anti-d. I did when I was having the same thoughts. Also, get into counseling ASAP. I am of the opinion that it is a necessary step for most BS.<p>You can survive. You can recover, and you may be able to recover you marriage. Read my Recover story in my sig to see that such IS possible. I have been where you are now. Many of us have. You are not alone.

Hi Seahorse,<p>I'm sorry for what you're going through... I too am a BS. I've been suffering through this for 6.5 months now...<p>You should really consider getting some anti-depressants. You could very well start thinking about things a little differently with some help.<p>Don't be hard on yourself for going to Plan B. Plan A is best done for as long as you can... but if you can't go for an extended period, the key is that you need to very carefully examine your true emotions for WH - you can't stay in Plan A until you've lost all your hope and motivation to save the M. So... only you know that limit.<p>If you honestly feel that Plan B is the ONLY thing you can do right now, consider what kind of Plan B you need. Do you just need some time to yourself to regroup? Or do you really need a "final" type of Plan B, where you set all the necessary boundaries, and are going to be there until the END (either he pulls his head out of his butt, or the M ends).<p>If you're in the latter type, be strong... don't waffle. No contact means no contact. If it's the former type, then take some time to decompress, and reevaluate what you want / need for YOU.<p>You know, I discovered that my WW's A became a PA - I had to do this myself, as she was only prepared to admit an EA. Yes, I was upset. But I gave it some time, and realized that it shouldn't affect my overall view of the world. I'm not naive - SF is a basic EN, and WS's, being the selfish cads they are often, are only prepared to think about EN as they relate to them and them only. It says nothing about me as a person. It's hard, but don't take it personally, okay?<p>And check out the meds!

Seahorse - if he threatened violence towards you, by all means separate yourself. Talk to your Dad and get all the family support you can. Seek help to protect your finances.<p>You have not let anybody down. The hard part will be not letting yourself down. It's so easy for BSs to develop self-esteem problems because of the inhumane treatment we've received. You've been emotionally raped. Many here will tell you that you didn't do anything to deserve this and you will recover.<p>Please, once again, consider the antidepressant meds. Please continue talkng to us and know that you are not alone.<p>WAT

I can't believe it, I woke up and couldn't believe it. I don't want to believe it. <p>It wasn't her he was going to use them with, she IS in thailand, so he was planning other things-new people. He told me last night there has been 4 different women in 4 months-he dosen't see them for more that a date or two. About 3 or 4 years ago i caught him on the net with a woman- so I'd say there's been more. <p>My husband, Marcus, has always been a person to lie to get himself out of trouble, his parents warned me of this. I thougt I had it under control, until now, He was with 4 other women - he denies any were physical, how can I ever believe that. It hurts so so much right now, I really do not want to survive. I keep wondering when I wake up from the horrible dream, this nightmare. How could I have been so stupid for so long. <p>I thought he loved ME, I thought I was special, but I was just another in the scheme, someone to clean his clothes and make dinner - an I did all that. I've been fooled. He took me as a fool. I can't live with it, I'm so ashamed, feel so studpid. I would pick him up every afternoon. I even sat under the harbour bridge for two hours while he was at his Christmas party, I wating for him to take him home, he knew I was there waiting, he knew I called, but he said he was having so much fun he just didn't call me back. I can't tell you how much that hurt that night. I felt lower than dirt.<p>I have been fooled in the worst possible way. I have zilch feeling left for myself. I'm so digusted I could let him do this to me. I have zero self respect. I should have walked out years ago, but I thought I loved him-I thought he loved me. Maybe he does in his own way, I just don't know, but its all shattered now.<p>Now there's just a shell, I am revolted that I slept with someone who has been with so many people. Who told one of them (another Thai) that our marriage was finished-that was two months ago. That's what he said, that I ws his girlfriemd and that the relationship was over - when was he going to tell me? <p>I can't get to the doctor or anywhere right now, he's taken the car. I was so angry last night, I am in so much pain today. I have never seen him that uncontrollable, it scared me. I just don't know what to do now. I keep telling myself that I have to move on, but... In anycase, he told me the marriag was over. He's going to her in thailand, i hope he will be happy. <p>I have medication here, but I'm so frightened if I open that packet that I'm going to take the lot. I really, really want to die right now. I don't want to survive it, I just want to curl up and die- when did I become this person?

Seahorse,<p>Please breath ... no one in this world is worth killing yourself over. <p>I have gone thru what you're experiencing, it is horrible .... BUT, killing yourself is NOT the answer.<p>Please post back so we know you're okay, sweetie.<p>Jo

Seahorse - please don't punish yourself any more about this. You are having these extreme feelings because you are NORMAL. It's your H who should be questioning his self worth.<p>Stay with us and we'll help you through it.<p>WAT

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Resilient:
<strong>Seahorse,<p>Please breath ... no one in this world is worth killing yourself over. <p>I have gone thru what you're experiencing, it is horrible .... BUT, killing yourself is NOT the answer.<p>Please post back so we know you're okay, sweetie.<p>Jo</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Just try and relax. So many of us have felt that feeling. When my H walked out on me I thought I would die, I wanted to die. But here I am, 3 years later. You don't know what is going to happen and it could be anything. Either way you WILL make it! As much as I didn't want my H to leave when he did after afew days it was actaully a relief. The stress of walking on eggshells every time he was around for the previous month was taking a huge toll. Just try and hang in there.

Don't give him the satisfaction. The hurt hurts like hell! I know, I have been where you are about 5 times in the last 9 months. But each time it hurts a little less and you do get just a little stronger. <p>Pray for strength and open your bible. God loves you and so do a lot of others on the board. I know it sounds strange but open a dialoge with God and ask him for his help, he will always be there for you. <p>Take the depression med. and remember it takes a few weeks for it to help.<p>You are in my prayers.<p>John

Seahorse,
Hang on. Don't allow that worthless man determine your self worth. You are worth more and deserve more than he is even capable of giving. Show him, by living a wonderful fullfilling life without him, what he lost. A beautiful, confident, lovable, original, genuine person that you are. <p>Get help, keep reaching out, keep seeking. Your success in life has NOTHING to do with marriage/divorce.

Please do not blame yourself or do anything drastic right now. You are in an extremely shaky emotional state right now. Like the previous posters said, you need to take some deep breaths. Try laying or sitting, however you are most relaxed, and take some really really deep breaths, of course breathing in thru the nose and out slowly thru your mouth. If you do this for a while it should help to calm you some. You need to keep repeating to yourself that your are strong and this does not mean the end of the world. Your H is an emotionally abusive person, he has destroyed your self esteem, you can regain it by turning your back on him and never looking back. <p>We are all here for you and you can vent, scream, cuss all you want on here, just please don't physically hurt yourself.

Seahorse - see? There are a lot of people here who have gone through what you're feeling and have thrived. It almost killed me, too. But here we are trying to help you through it. If we can do it, so can you.<p>Is there some family you can go be with? A trusted friend?<p>WAT

Seahorse~<p>First please breath.... In... out... in... out.. Now please get into to see your Dr., he can/will help. Call your councelor, get in for an emergancy session, like yesterday! Nobody is worth killing yourself over. You were ok before him; you'll be ok after. You deserve to be loved and protected.. You are SPECIAL. Talk to us here at MB, email someone, vent, cry, hurt, yell if you have to. You will feel soooooo much better after letting everything out.<p>{{{{{{{{{Seahorse}}}}}}}}}<p>You are in my prayers..

((((((((((((SeaHorse))))))))))))))))))
I am sorry I am sorry I am sorry!
I wish I could give you a big hug right now.
I wish I had something useful to say appart from... breathe in and breathe out.<p>My heart goes to you, please hang in there, you are in our minds.

Seahorse?<p>Are you still here? Please give us a post so we know, k?<p>I'll tell you something, there is no excuse for Adultery, NONE! And you do not deserve this pain, it's not your fault. What your H is doing is wrong, no two ways.<p>To be betrayed and left is the most devistating place to be, I've been there, I nearly didn't survive, but I'm so glad I did. You have a right to feel as terrible as you do, but taking your life is not an option ... there is life and joy after this happens .. I promise you. <p>Concerned,
Jo<p>[ March 11, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>