In A total funk. I will cut and paste from a letter I e-mailed to a dear friend to give you an Idea. I have never felt like this before.. I can't get my answer by pushing, but yet I can't wait any longer. I need to know something. I don't even care if it is bad anymore. This is literally driving me insane. Indifference, numbness, extreme love, and extreme pain all mixed together will do that to anyone. I know this is so fixable...with help because I think that something in H. is broken. His dad said that tonight which confirmed my thoughts. He told me I had a lot of guts to stand by H.I need to lay down, I need to have peace, I don't remember what having a good nights sleep feels like anymore, I don't remember what it feels like not to hurt. I don't remember what it feels like to actually be held by someone that loves you, to hear the person you love most in the world tell you that they love you (and mean it).
I can't find anything right now that will help me to keep on keeping' on. I just want to run as fast and as hard as I can and not feel this way anymore.
He isn't happy there, he has said that he knows we can make it, so why is he torturing me? That is what it feels like. I don't want to go get in that bed alone tonight knowing that he is getting in bed with her. That he will wake up and give her that little kiss before he heads out the door, and say those three little words...which I am not so sure I will hear from his lips again.
I miss his brown eyes, his cheesy smile and his tender one. I miss doing nothing with him and having it be O.K. On the other hand I don't know if I even want to deal with that. I have been trying to think up the boundaries that have to be set and the things that he will have to agree to in order to come home...he wouldn't do it the other times, he said yes, but contact was always made...granted usually by her first...but it was still made.
I want a no contact letter...I need that. He needs that to make it easier on him.
I need him to agree to marriage counseling.
I need him to seek individual counseling.
I need to know that he is here to try...for real...he has lied so many times.
If it comes to it I need him to be willing to move, sell this house and get another one somewhere else.
No cell phone...even if we change his # because he could call her...not for a long time...but that is how I found out and that is how it was kept alive.
I know that I will probably not feel secure and safe with him for a verylong time.
Before he moved in with her all I really had to worry about was the EN and him comparing us in bed. Of course he will think sex w/her is great...he hasn't been with her for 7 years. She is a new toy. But even that didn't bother me, I do not have a problem there. But now, I have to wonder about cooking, "down time" etc.
. I feel that if I can't get this under control that I will do something stupid and not get the response that I really want, even if he wants what I want and just goes the other direction due to being pushed. But if he goes the other direction, fine, I want him to be happy, but let him go be a gofer and be treated with disrespect and be miserable with her.
I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff swaying back and forth not really caring which direction the next strong wind will push me. (Boy...I am not usually...but can we say drama queen? I don't do it with H at all, I don't trust him with my feelings) <p>Gibberish I know...Well I will talk to you later. I want to save my marriage but I don't know how much longer I can go.
