Well, last Friday was my H's moving out day. The two days leading up to it were the worst. All I could think of was that it might be our last couple nights together - ever! He said he needed time away to get his head together and figure out what he really wants. He was taking our son for the weekend (our 13 year old daughter refused to go) and was supposed to pick him up at about 10:30 or 11. He ended up getting to the house at 9:15 and stayed for 2 hours (even gave the dog a bath!). When he left, he asked if I was okay and I said I was. I asked if he was okay and he said not really, he was going through a lot of turmoil. I asked if he wanted to talk and he said not right now, but he would let me know when he did want to. Our son had a hockey game at 5:30 that night and I was going to meet them at the ice rink. At 5, he sent me a text message on my cell phone asking if our daughter was coming (which she wasn't). At the game, I watched my H out of the corner of my eyes. He looked very depressed the entire time. We were supposed to meet at the rink the next day for another game. On Sunday morning I went to church (I have doing a LOT of praying lately). When I got home, there was a message on the answering machine from him asking how we were. About 20 minutes later, he and our son came to the house to hang out until the game. My H took a short nap on the sofa (he didn't look that good). After our son's game, my H went to say goodbye to our son at the car and my son just burst out crying. He cried harder than he ever did. My H tried to talk to him but our son just kept telling him to leave him alone. Finally, my H decided he would leave and drove away crying. He called that night to see how we were. He called me again yesterday at 7 a.m., 8 a.m. and 4:30 and again at 7 a.m. this morning. It really seems like he is having a tough time dealing with his decision, although my therapist says he is just feeling really guilty. I don't know how much time he is spending with the OW right now and don't want to know. I told him before he left that I absolutely opposed her being around our kids when he had them. They have enough to deal with right now. He told me I didn't have to worry about that at all and he has told "her" that he doesn't want her anywhere near our kids (that doesn't say much for her!). I asked him if she was going to listen to him and not just pop by his apartment one day and he said he would be furious if she did. <p>Does anyone think the trouble my H is having with moving out is a good sign? I am trying to act strong (although I'm not always successful) and look like I am getting on with my life, but will be there for him when and if he needs me. I am not happy with the decision he made to leave, but do feel bad for him when I see how much trouble he is having with his decision (is that weird or what!). He knows how much I love and care for him and hopefully he will feel the same way about me again.

>>> Does anyone think the trouble my H is having with moving out is a good sign? <<<<p>Well, it's a fairly expected sign, I think. He's got to slide down a long, long way before he hits rock bottom. Gotta let 'em - separation is one step in the slide.<p>Your approach of being confident and "moving on" is probably the best - stops enabling him, and will make you feel better.

How are you and the kids holding up today???

Hi and thanks for your replies. My H took the kids for a visit last night. When he got there he sat and talked to me for a while. He asked what was new and I told him I was going to participate in a run for breast cancer on Mother's Day. He seemed surprised and said that isn't like me. I told him my sister had asked me to go with her and I'm really excited about it. I also told him he didn't need to worry about me because I'm doing okay. I realize I don't "need" him any more (which was one of the things he didn't like - as though I couldn't live without him, which I used to think was true). He said he was really happy because he worries about me. After he left with the kids I went shopping and bought some new clothes and perfume. When he got back, he stood in the kitchen for a while talking. After the kids went upstairs, he started lecturing me about my weight loss to see if I was eating, etc. All of a sudden his cell phone rings. He looked at the number and guess who it was. The OW. He didn't answer it and I said absolutely nothing about it. He was standing at the door and I went over and said goodnight to him. He asked if I was going to be mad now and I said no, it is just a little uncomfortable standing there talking to him and having her call. He said he understood. I didn't get upset or mad about it. When he left, his head was hanging and he sounded like he was upset. This morning at 7 a.m. he calls and says he wanted to apologize for "that stupid phone call". I told him he didn't need to apologize, I was fine. He kept saying he was sorry, etc. He then told me he was really happy that I am doing okay. I asked if he was okay and he said not really, he had a lot going on in his head. I told him I was there if he needed to talk, and he said he wanted to but it was hard. I didn't pressure him, just told him if he changed his mind I'd be there. Oh, he just sent me a joke via email (hasn't done that in a while). I am hoping that by not being affected by the OW, I am taking the pressure off of him from my end and "she" will be the one with the pressure. I know by not getting upset, it made me feel better. Like I was finally in control of something (my emotions!). I just told myself that it doesn't matter, he's the one who is going to have the tremendously high cell phone bill that he has no extra money to pay for, not me! <p>The kids seem to be doing okay. This was my daughter's first visit since she has refused to see him previously. She is taking an anti-depressant and I think it is starting to kick in. My son enjoyed being with his dad. He absolutely adores his father. So, hopefully I can continue what I'm doing and my H can see me and our family as a place that he wants to be with. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

HandA, you seem to be demonstrating a fantastic Plan A. I hope that many of the newbies follow your example of how NOT to LB. Keep up the good work and know that I'm plugging for you and yours.

Well, my H called me today to ask if my email was working. He has his home email delivered to his laptop at work and he was having a problem. Now, this was something he could have looked up himself, but he called me. Tonight, I took my kids out for water ice and when I got home I saw on the Caller ID that my H had called. He didn't leave a message though. Later on, he called and talked for about a half hour. I think I have talked to him more since he moved out than I have in the past 2 months! I am trying to remain happy and upbeat. I can't tell, though, if he is homesick or just trying to have the best of both worlds. I know that he needs to spend time with the OW to allow her to show him her bad points also. The only time they spent together before was during working hours and the times he went out at night which total about 8 times. During these times she would be showing her good behavior, etc. and not who she truly is. It is still a fantasy world for them. Unfortunately, my H won't have any extra money to spend on going out and it will be interesting to see how she likes that. I remember when my H first starting working for this company a year ago. He used to tell me how she would complain about her H's job and that she wanted him to get a real job that paid better. I wonder if she was looking at my H to wine and dine her since she obviously must know how much money he makes. She hasn't left her H and has a 14 year old daughter at home. I wonder if she has thought about the fact that if my H and I divorce, he's going to have child support and alimony for at least 6 years! He won't have as much money as she thinks during that period of time and that's a long time to wait!

Well my H came over on Thursday to visit the kids. He had called in the morning and said he wanted to talk. I invited him for dinner and he accepted. After dinner that night he sat in the kitchen and cried. He said he didn't know how he got to this point and didn't know what he wanted. He said sometimes he thinks he was happy being on his own and other times he wonders what the hell he is doing. I asked if he wanted this new life with her. He said he didn't know. I asked if he thought that was what he wanted before he left and he said he thinks so. So I am hoping there is some change of heart there. Unfortunately, he went upstairs to lay down a while and I went with him at which time one thing led to another. Afterwards, he was very upset and said he felt like he was using me and that I should have pushed him away. I told him I was fine, but he got up and got ready to leave. He didn't say much before he left. I am so worried that I might have messed things up. He had called me every morning this week at 7 a.m., but he didn't this morning. He also didn't call tonight like he had previously, although I told him in an email I wouldn't be home tonight. Does anyone have any opinions about my H's behavior? What could be going on with him? A mid life crisis? I have no idea how much time he is spending with the OW now. Probably don't want to know. Trying to figure out what is going on in his head is making me crazy. I know it has only been one week since the separation, but it seems like forever. I love my H so much. How can he just leave me and our children and start this new life? I guess it just doesn't seem real to me. I could never leave my children like that and go even a day without talking to them. I know he is going through something beyond his control. How do we wives deal with this? Thanks for any help or suggestions.

Sounds like you are being very strong, any suggestions for how you do it... he is seeming to need you and miss you a lot... hold strong! You go girl! HOw do you stay so strong, feeling weak today!<p>Honey

Hi Honey - I wish I was strong. I am doing a bit better, but it is SO hard. You should check out the site www.divorcebusting.com. It has helped me work on myself. I try to combine what I have learned from both that site and this one. <p>It has only been a little over a week since my H moved out. I am doing better, but some nights I just cry myself to sleep because I miss him so much. We have only gone one day without talking since he left. He has been really nice to me and it seems like he does care about me. He is here right now to visit the kids and do some laundry! I asked him (although I know I probably shouldn't have) if things were going well with him. He said he guesses they are. I asked him if he was homesick and he said a little bit. Hopefully that is a good sign. I figure he wouldn't be here visiting so often if he wanted to be away from me. I guess I just have to be patient.<p>Check out the info on the other site I mentioned and see if it helps you. Since you and your H are separated, you should read up on the last resort technique. You have to act like you are moving on with your life and don't care that they left (even though we know we really do). I try not to ask any R questions. I want the OW to be the one that puts the pressure on him, not me. At that same time, though, I am sort of following Plan A by being as nice as possible and not doing any LBer's. I don't know if this is why my H calls and visits more frequently, but it certainly can't hurt!<p>Good luck. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Last week was very difficult here. My kids were on spring break and I was on vacation. We were actually supposed to be on our family vacation to Disney World, but since my H decided to move out, we had to cancel our trip. I was pretty depressed for most of the week. On Thursday, I was having a difficult day and when he dropped the kids off after a visit, I ended up sitting there crying and telling him I missed him. He said he wasn't going to come for Easter dinner as planned. His exact words were: "If I'm here so much, why did I move out?" Well, he is here only when he comes over on his own. I actually think that statement originally came from the OW's mouth to him and he felt pressured to cancel his plans. He also told me he still has no feelings (in love feelings) for me and that I should act like our marriage is over and get on with my life. He said is he falls flat on his face, he won't be coming to me for sympathy (like he'd get it). This was supposed to be his weekend to take the kids and he tells me Thurs. he had no idea he was to take them beginning Friday night and he had made plans. I told him his weekend runs from Fri night to Sun and we had discussed this before. I said I had plans to go out. He said he would cancel his plans. Well, Fri morning he calls at 7 a.m. and says he doesn't want to cancel his plans and could he pick them up on Sat.? I stood my ground for a while then got mad and said fine, you go have a great night and I'll see you tomorrow and hung up on him. Well, I decided to go out anyway and my parents babysat. I had a wonderful time. I actually had a couple guys looking at me at the bar. That made me feel so good! When he came on Saturday he apologized for the mix up. Again, I think the OW complained about the plans for Fri. and made him call me. I told him I went out anyway and had a great time. Mentioned the guys at the bar, etc. Well, he stayed for 3 hours and seemed like he kept looking at me. Last night, he calls me 3 times in a 10 minute period. I didn't answer the first two times, but the last time I did because I was afraid it was something about the kids. He wanted to know what time the gym was open!!!! He called that many times to ask me that? <p>Today he was to bring the kids back at 3. As I expected he was here at 11 and stayed till 3:30. He even gave me a huge hug before he left and wished me a happy Easter. Then, he just called me about an hour ago to see how our dinner went.<p>Do you think my suspicions are right the the OW is pressuring him? Most of the time he is very pleasant when he visits or calls, but every so often it seems he gets irritable and takes things out on me. I haven't bothered him at all since he moved out. I don't call him (except 2 times about something regarding the kids). I don't email him. He wanted his space and I am giving it to him. Absolutely every time he has come over, it was him initiating it. The only time I asked him to stay was the one night he said he wanted to talk and I asked if he just wanted to stay for dinner so we could talk afterwards. But there again, he basically initiated it. <p>This is very complicated trying to figure out the signs and what it might mean. Any thoughts or suggestions? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

hurtandafraid,<p>I just got your story read. You are awesome, my hat is off to you and your plan A, what a great job you are doing.<p>I have been seperated for 7 months, it's not easy.<p>I do have a concern for your daughter on anti-depressents, my daughter was on them with an anti seizure med for migarine headaches, she still went through some mood swings but her appetite suffered the most, always flucuating, just watch her.<p>I would say yes the OW is LBing big time. Good for you!! It's probably a good thing that you let him out of Friday night, as I am sure if he went out with her (as the only night she could get away from her spouse)and was feeling guilty about his own kids, I am sure he was not at his best and OW did not like that so she LB'd.<p>You keep up the great plan A that you have going. Remember that you are doing it for yourself though!!<p>I have been nothing but nice to WH and he can't figure out what to do with me, the divorce papers are waiting we have to come to a money agreement, he doesn't dare be mean to me as he comes off looking even worse and he won't do that to himself. Selfish isn't he?<p>Keep posting as it is nice to see, a plan working. We can live through you! HA!<p>Take care,
Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi, here's the latest. My H called me this morning at 7 a.m. I actually got up and jumped in the shower so I could not be there to pick up the phone the minute he called. Well, when I came out of the bathroom, I checked the caller ID and saw he tried 3 times and once on my cell phone! He ended up calling back a half hour later. He said he wanted to talk tomorrow night (his scheduled night to have the kids). I asked if it was something bad (because I'll be sitting here worrying for a day and a half) and he said no. He said he is going to make a dr's appt about an anti-depressant (something I have asked him to do for a while now). He also said he is really screwed up and he has realized a lot of things. He said the longer he is away, the more it bothers him being away. I told him I would absolutely be there if he needed to talk just like I have continued to tell him I would be and if he needed to talk sooner, just let me know. He told me he would. <p>What do you think? Do you think this sounds positive? I am cautiously optimistic, but he has flip flopped so many times I don't want to get my hopes up. Any advice on how I should handle it if he wants to come home? <p>Thanks!

Sorry that I have not responded sooner, but I have been so busy with work and taking care of the house after my eight weeks out of town. <p>I think that these are all good signs. When he does come to talk, just listen. Don't push him to make any decisions. He will likely waffle back and forth unless the A is completely over. My WH has been doing this since he decided that he wouldn't spend the rest of his life with the OW. He does not want to spend the rest of his life with her, but he isn't ready to be a husband and come home or get rid of her. I had to go to Plan B to stop the waffling and protect my sanity.<p>If there is any pushing, let it come from her. Good luck.<p>Sinking

HandA, My H and I were in the situation that you and your H are in right now only the roles were reversed. I was the WS. I left for 5 days to sort things out. I stayed at a friends house with my 2 sons while they were out of town . I was miserable. I also called my H 2 to 3 times a day. I went home every evening and made supper for him and the boys. The OM in my situation also asked me why I had left if I was still spending so much time there. Your H definately got that one from the OW. My H played his hand exactly as you are playing yours. I never made it to the full 5 days and was back home in 4. That was over 1 1/2 years ago and we have been in recovery ever since and doing really well now. I can't help but feel so positive about your situation after reading this thread. I just wanted to let you know that your H sounds like he is going through just what I did and it seems as if he is finally waking up and hearing the fog horn.

Thank you so much sinking and want it back. It is really hard, though, to not get excited. I am still very afraid. My H has had trouble in the past staying away from OW. He did tell me when he left that he thought he needed to find out the hard way what he wanted. I can't help but think that if he really did want this new life with the OW, why would he call me every day (sometimes 2-3 times)or visit for such long periods of time. To me, that's not a person that wants to get away from his W!!! He has continued to be very nice to me since he left except last Thursday when it really did sound like he was getting a lot of pressure from "her". That is why I tried not pressure him from my end. I know that he wanted me to become stronger and able to make myself happy so I didn't depend on him so much for happiness. I think I have been showing him I can do that over the past 2 1/2 weeks since he moved (other than a couple times when I was a little depressed). I really do like myself and my life now and hope to share it with him. I will try to just listen tomorrow night and, again, not pressure him in any way. I know it takes patience and time. Thank you Want It Back for your story. It really gives me hope! I am very happy you are doing so well now in your recovery. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Want It Back, I have a question. I am getting really nervous that my H is waffling back and forth again. I haven't heard from him since his call yesterday morning. He usually calls on the nights he doesn't visit the kids to see how their day was. Should I be nervous or is this part of the confusion he is having? I really wish he didn't tell me he wanted to talk yesterday because as much as I tried not to, I started to get my hopes up. I was so worried because he didn't call last night I was up half the night not being able to sleep! Boy I hate this back and forth stuff. It is hard enough dealing with him being gone without needing to worry about all these things he says.<p>Thanks for your input and suggestions.

HandA, First I have to tell you that I waffled for 3 years. It was not until the actual seperation of my H and I that it stopped. Now niether you or I know for sure what is going through his mind right now but as I said before, the way he has been acting since the seperation sounded so much like what I was doing that it is scary. If he has come to really realize what he is messing up and that is what he wants to talk to you about then I can tell you that he's probably got his hands very full right now with the OW. If he has even let her know that he may be having second thoughts then she is LBing him big time right now. She is begging, pleading crying and pouring on the guilt. She is reminding him of all the promises that he has made to her. Reminding him of everything that was wrong in your marriage to begin with. He is going to feel trapped at this point and that is where you come in. If she has managed to get to him and when he does speak to you if it's not as positive as you hoped for, stay calm. She may have been able to work on his guilt but if you don't LB then you are the one who is going to gain the points out of this one. You need to show him that you are the better woman. I am so pulling for you. Just hold it together and you will do fine. Remember that having him waffle is better than not having him showing any interest at all. I'll be praying for you.

Thank you. You are probably right. I know before when he tried to break it off with her, she would cry and say she was in love with him, etc. I am sure she thinks that now that he is out of our house, she has him. I actually feel bad for him that he is letting someone like her talk him into things that I think he doesn't truly want. I think that is one of the reasons why he was going to the doctor to get an anti-depressant. His therapist had told him before that he needed one for, if nothing else, to help him make better decisions.<p>I also know you are right that it is good he is waffling. I'll try to take that as a positive thing (although it is still difficult). I will try my best to remain calm and just listen tonight. I think I already know that although I am really hopeful, it may be a long process for him and will try to keep that in mind.<p>Thanks for you quick response. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Just a quick thought on his therapist and the anti-d's. I think this is also a good sign. My therapist at the time told me the same thing. That means that your H has expressed his confusion about what he is doing to his therapist, the one person whom he is probably being totally honest with right now. Your H sounds like me in so many ways. Trust me, if the OW is LBing then he will grow tired of it sooner or later especially if you're being so amicable. You are being very strong. I don't know how you do it but I thank you for sharing your story because it's really important for us WSs to fully understand what we have put our BSs through. I'll be thinking of you tonight.

Thank you for your kind words. My H stopped seeing his therapist in February, but wasn't being completely honest with him. His therapist is my therapist's husband and we saw my therapist for marriage counseling. He stopped going saying they don't do any good. When I went to my therapist she said he probably didn't like what he was hearing and got mad. He went through a period where he pushed everyone away that wouldn't support what he was doing (even his own family). <p>Sometimes I don't know how I do it either. For almost 6 months now I have heard all about the OW. How he has this passion for her he never felt before, I don't have the qualities he is looking for right now, etc. I went through a very deep depression, panic attacks, cried all the time and generally felt like I would never make it through all of this. It has actually only been since he decided he was moving out that I have become stronger. I have read a lot of books about the subject and also realized I needed to be strong for my kids. What it all comes down to, and what I have told my H, is that I truly love him. He has been a wonderful person for 16 years and this is not a pattern for him. I believe he got caught up in something that is beyond his control and I just need to let him work through it on his own. All the crying and pleading with him only pushed him farther away. When I stopped and acted like I didn't care, it pulled him back a little. I realize now I don't "need" him to be okay, but I would much rather share my life with him. I have had to deal with a lot of people, family and friends, that think I should just end it for all the pain he has caused me. But, I have to do what is right for me. This separation has helped me become a stronger, more independent person that, I believe, can actually make our marriage better. I am not a patient person, but I am learning that inpatience is going to get you nothing. I remember the saying if you love someone, set them free. That is what I have tried to do. Give my H the time and space he asked for to sort this out on his own. They are the only one's who can do this.