ok, for some reason I did not have access to your last 3 posts until I posted my last comment. If you REALLY WANT reconciliation after all you've been through, then DO NOT begin dating another person. Try putting yourself in his shoes. See things from his perspective about getting back together. And don't get your hopes to high over common niceties (sp). Just because he waves at you the next time he meets you on the highway doesn't mean he's ready to move back in with you.

Hi Jamup and thankyou for your replies.
Yes I would likereconciliation but at the same time I know that at the moment he has no intention of returning. |He has a girlfriend and is living with her. I think that things may be changing there but I don't know for definite.
With the ex boyfrind I wasn';t planning a relationship justa dinner with some one from 20 odd years ago. i'll still have to see how things go. Jante

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Hi folks am still trying to work through the best way to continue in this situation. Since Easter have spent little time with H as when he has been with the kids I have been away. When he is here we are chatty but I can feel the distance between us growing even wider. We share so little now.
The eldest son has been in trouble at school so last night H stayed over and went in to see the staff this morning. Problem appears to be mainly tied up with his arrogant and rude attitude to female members of staff and this is a continuation of the way he treats me if things are not to his liking. He admits he's not like that with his dad because dad can still phsically punish him which I can't. He's bigger and stronger than me and the last time I tried he hit me back.I have tried grounding him and removing privelages but he soon reverts to obnoxious behaviour.
He blames his dad for his behaviour cos of the numerous moves we made which means he sees the best way oof making friends is being the naughty one in class.Son is 13. Question am I giving the son the message that any behaviour is acceptable by cotninuing to show love etc to my H while he continues to have OW?
Jante

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jante, I'd love to help, but unfortunately I have no experience with 13 year old sons. I do know that our children emulate the behaviors they see in us, and sadly, it may be to late to make a lasting good impression on him. Remember though that how he treats his mother is how he'll treat his wife someday. Do you want a son who's a wife beater? Might ought to seek some counseling from someone who's educated in matter. Also, he sees his dad treat you poorly, so that's the way he thinks women should be treated.

I wonder if your son might be angry at the situation with you and your husband. Angry that H moved out. He may feel abandoned. He can express these feelings of anger/act out with you- you're his mom- always there. He's probably afraid to act out around your H for fear of losing him. This is common in children of divorce. The custodial parent sees the bad behavior, the wayward parent sees little angels. Also as noted above, if he sees your H treat you badly, he will imitate the behavior.
I think counselling for your son is a very good idea if you can afford it.

Thanks for your comments and help. In the case of son hitting me- I had held him down first becAUSE i WAS LOSING IT OVER HIS RUDENESS. i'M NOT PROUD OF MY BEHAVIOUR ON THAT OCCASION BUT IT WAS JUST AFTER THAT THE doctor signed me off work for 2 months with stress.
My H has never ever hit me or advocated violence towards women. But we both believe that smacking children has its place in discipline.
My concern is that the boys know H left because of an affair and that he now has a new gf. I worry that because I am trying to meet his en's and am plan A-ing best of abilit6y it might send the message that any behaviour will still be ignored. Jante

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Jante - I too am having the same trouble with my 13 year old daughter. She is very nasty to me and won't come out of her room. No matter what I say to her, her only response these days is whatever. Yet, when she is visiting my H, but talks, laughs, giggles, etc. It is so frustrating and almost as though she blames me for my H leaving. Her doctor has her on an anti-depressant so hopefully that will make a difference. Her teachers have complained that she won't do homework or classwork and her grades have dropped. <p>I hope you have some luck with your S. This situation is very hard on our kids and I wish our H's would see that.

Hi Hurt and Afraid - our signatures are almost identical its so hard isn't it. Yes my son seems to balme me even though his dad has made it clear he was to blame. However one positive this week H has suggested taking eldest son to sailing course for a weekend and I am encouraging it as I think it will be really good for son and H will benefit as well.My H had A with wa work colleague which he finished cos he said he wanted to work on our R now he has left me and has a new gf. I wish I had found MB in the beginning and had understood about the addictive nature of an A then I maty have been more patoient in the early months and not be in this situation now. Hope things work out with your daughter. Jante

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13 year olds are in thier own teenage fog. They can be horrible to be around. That is such a tough age for kids, then add fuel(A) to thier fire and watch the explsion! Love them anyway.<p>2 of mine are past that stage (Thank God) and 1 more to go. <p> [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks WGTW foy your thoughts- as a teacher of teenagers you'd think I'd be prepared but its never as easy when its your own. Anyway a peaceful week so lets hope we have a good weekend when their Dad comes tomorrow. Jante

Hi folks- well peace didn't last.
Son refused to go to school yesterday- he had a sore knee and so said he felt too sick to go. Despite me insisting he still refused. However one positive thing- I rang H to ask for his imput, I didn't LB as I would have done 6 months ago, no blaming H and just calmly asked him to speak to him. I also spoke calmly to son.
Today H turned up to see kids an hour and half early. I hadn't even started cooking. I greeted him pleasantly, gave him a drink and then got on eith what I was doing. Hope he enjoyed the peace and quiet!! Jante

Are these signs that plan A is beginning to work!!!

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Well no one seems to have any comments but here goes any way. Today H took children go-karting while I went to meet with an old school frind who I hadn't met with for 20 year. Then H suggested he collect me from cafe and we go ourt as a family. Thanked him and went with him. He took us all out to the kind of places I love- museum of childhood and an antiques centre.Finally dropped me and kids back to my car. He also spent some of the time we were toigether telling me of his problems at work etc this week. We had a really nice afternnon out and now he is away for the next 2 weeks. I still hope I am seeing plan A beginning to make a difference in our relationship as well as making me a better person for me. Jante

I'm obviously not writing about painful enough issues here- however difficult they are for me. Perhaps its time I just said Byue Bye and worked it out on my own. Jante

Ok am I just boring you all? Am i not in enough pain- despite still wanting my husband back. Am I juast too English? Why the questions you may ask- well in the last week I'm the only one posting on here. My husband is still confusing me with his actions- last week turning up early, this week not coming at all - pressure of work. We won't be seeing him at the weekend. How can I plan A in these circumstances. Is Plan A still the best way forward or am I being taken for a ride.Comments positive or negative welcome. Jante