>>> My husband is still confusing me with his actions- last week turning up early, this week not coming at all - pressure of work <<<<p>In many ways, my experience has told me not to over-analyze WS's actions too much... I know it's hard to do... I do it all the time! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>The fact is if you're in Plan A, you can't worry about his behavior very much... got to focus on YOU... sounds like you're doing pretty good, actually. The behaviors you're describing for yourself are good... being calm, confident, relaxed, in control... and being available, but not TOO available!<p>>>> Is Plan A still the best way forward or am I being taken for a ride <<<<p>Only you can tell when you've done "enough" Plan A. The Harleys generally recommend doing as much of it as you can, based on how much love you have left for WS. They're the experts when it comes to evaluating that - I can only say things like, "are you truly ready to move on?" "is WH looking less attractive to you?" "are you feeling indifferent vs. angry?" Those kinds of questions have some value in figuring out where you're at. Plan A is generally done for 3-6 months.... you want WS to notice and acknowledge changes in you before going to Plan B, if possible.<p>>>> How can I plan A in these circumstances <<<<p>You don't have to be "doing something" all of the time... Plan A is about YOU, so if you're out of contact with WH, why not do some fun stuff YOU like... get your mind off of things by taking care of yourself, as best you can!

jante,
Please start a new thread.<p>People (like me) don't think you need help when you have 40 replys. We think you are well taken care of! <p>I will read through your post and see where you are and post in a minute.

How long have you been in Plan A?<p>I see you have ordered the book "Love must be Tough" by James Dobson - have you gotten it and read it?<p>I copied this from MB Plan A (it sounds like where you two are - but ONLY you know)<p>Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the wayward spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other. <p>So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B. <p>_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________<p>And I copied and pasted this part from DB (but it sounds like you are doing most of this)<p>1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get
busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,
etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start
the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have
had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you
are going to move on with your life, with or without
your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull
back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more
important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show
your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him
someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which
may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes
their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really
saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you
want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &
focus on all the other parts of your life that are not
in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any
words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you
are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with
your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than
50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in
absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad
you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.<p>_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Depending on how long you have been in Plan A it maybe time for you to move to PlanB

Thanbks have started a new thread and answered most of the questions there. Jante

Hi,
I have been reading the boards for a few months but just started posting. <p>I know that many care but sometimes just get caught up in their own problems and wander off for a while. Anyway, I care. I admire your courage. <p>You asked if you should continue plan A. I have read thousands of posts on this site and it looks like most of the success stories run plan A for quite a while. I have been doing plan A with my wife for three months and she is responding quite well but neither one of us are, or have been in an affair. I had been love busting and not meeting all of her needs and came here looking for a way to improve things. ( it's working for us.) <p>From the posts I have read, I recommend counseling with the Harleys if you can afford it. Even a few times could help you set up your plan A, decide how long to run it, and what signs to look for to help you know when to go to Plan B. I can tell you that the things they teach have worked for me - but it seems slow when you are in the middle of it. <p>If not, search the boards for posts on the application of Plan A. I think WAT (worthatry) started a thread for new posters that has links to lots of information about the plans, success with them and so on. ( I know you are not new at this point but it still may be helpful.) <p>You asked for some answers to specific questions, lets see if I can help any. <p>Plan A is always a help to US personally if we can work it right ( you had commented about it helping you) No matter what happens with our spouse, we are improved and can better deal with our children, and anyone else - family members, co-workers etc. It gives us skills for life in general. So work it the best you can.<p>You asked if you were not dealing with enough painful issues for someone to comment. I don't think that is it. But I have no answer why you haven't gotten more responses. I have been here about 3 months but mostly just read. You can get allot of help just seeing what works for others. Also, don't be afraid to jump in on another thread and comment if you want. It seems to be common. You may get a quicker response. ( but I'm not an old timer so don't quote me) <p> OK am I just boring you all? Am i not in enough pain- despite still wanting my husband back. Am I just too English? Why the questions you may ask- well in the last week I'm the only one posting on here. My husband is still confusing me with his actions- last week turning up early, this week not coming at all - pressure of work. We won't be seeing him at the weekend. How can I plan A in these circumstances. Is Plan A still the best way forward or am I being taken for a ride. Comments positive or negative welcome. Jante <p>I think he will continue to confuse you. He is not rational, you are. So you won't be able to understand him until he quits the A and becomes rational again. Nothing he does will make much sense to you. Don't try to understand him, it won't work. How do you plan A with him gone?
Keep improving your self, studying on this site, planning what to do with your children, being happy, moving on with your life. Are you being taken for a ride? Yes, but if you don't want to get off right now (divorce) then plan A is probably still the best chance you have for the near future.
If you don't have the book " Surviving an Affair" I would get it. Our local library has many of the Harley books but I finally ordered them from the site and I read weekly from His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters. ( hey, they work for me, what can I say. ) Reading once was not enough. <p>You asked some time ago about your son.
That is a hard one. I have four sons ( I am dad) and they were hard for ME too. Only one is still at home (others are grown and moved out) I would bet your son is having additional problems from your H being gone. I have had good luck trying to find natural consequences for bad decisions and letting son(s) take them. For instance, if S is talking disrespectful, I tell him I won't discuss whatever he wants until he can discuss it calmly with respect, and I walk away.
I tell him I love him but his actions are his problem and I refuse to let them be my problem. <p>Anyway, hope this helps, read all you can and do a plan on paper if you can. Figure out what needs of your H you can meet and do your best to meet them. Be happy and in control of your self so he sees your good side. If his A starts to come apart ( and they almost always do) you will be there for him.. If it starts to be too much for you to handle ( most of the time 6 to 18 months) then you can go to Plan B. <p>May God bless your and your family to be healed.