Persevering: Just had another thought...<p>H and I still have *squabbles* every now and then over his affair. Usually something triggers my backslide and I end up associating a current *problem* with past problems realted to H's affair. This is WRONG of me. And, I am working on trying to *shut down* my wrong thoughts when certain situations *pull me back* into *affair territory*...<p>...however, I NEED HELP WITH THIS. I wish I could get H to understand that he needs to help me focus on the PRESENT...that he needs to find a productive way to make my *babbling* STOP. What doesn't HELP me is when he then goes on the DEFENSE (blame mode) and says something like, "You know, Marie, MOST GUYS wouldn't put up with this [censored] and would have left months ago."<p>Of course, I then fall into *blame mode* myself and *hit back* with, "Yeah, well most women don't put up with H's that [censored] other women either..." [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Geesh...how mature of both of us [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] !!!!<p>...currently, when things get really heated, I've learned to respond calmly, "you are free to leave the marriage whenever you choose to leave." <p>Now, if only my H could learn to respond to my OUTBURSTS with, "Marie, you are free to leave the marriage whenever you choose to leave the marriage." ...kinda stops the negativity right in its tracks. Forces you to take a look at YOURSELF and what YOU really WANT...and what you are potentially screwing up [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>BECAUSE, the truth is, neither one of us really wants to leave...we each just need a JOLT to bring us back to the present situation at hand...which is NEVER really about the affair any longer.<p>I think it's most important to remember that we need to accept responsibility for how we allow others to treat us. I firmly believe that my H should NOT be ALLOWING me to treat him badly (by bringing up past wrongs). He needs to find a productive way to stand up to me-- NOT BY BLAMING OR THREATENING-- but by simply saying something like, "Marie, the past is in the past. I cannot change it. Now, how can I help you?"<p>Sometimes, easier said then done...huh?<p>Peace, ~Marie<p>[ March 25, 2002: Message edited by: ohmy_marie ]</p>

WOW.....I have done SOOOOO much reading...but nearly all of these are new to me!!!<p>Thanks so much!

wow! I'm glad I looked in here! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>This is great - thank you Marie!! I'm printing this so I can absorb some of it and read those books.

^bump^...once more for Persevering [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .

Thanks, Marie. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Sounds like you and your H are much further along than we are, or maybe ever were, even pre-A. We both tend to hold things in until we burst (or have a couple of affairs [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] ).<p>I know there's no quick fix. There's been enough of us here looking for it, surely it would have been found by now, if it was out there! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] I think just the prospect of having to work at this from now on is a bit discouraging to me. I resent the fact that I have to work at not resenting my H [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] , and that this same resentment will probably continue to seep in, in varying degrees, from now on.<p>Thanks for your outlook, your honesty, and your ever-present [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . You're a jewel!