Some people have alot of nerve don't they - most of you know who the other women was I don't just some girl he supposedly met while she served him coffee in the morning - so I have like a faceless person... I don't think he goes there anymore but he still has the same cell phone so she may call him but I don't think so... I am going to be strong today and not let him get to me when he calls me later - I am telling him that the girls and I are going shopping so if he wanted to come over we would not be home.. We will see if he likes that... Probably will be relieved he doesn't have to see me.. Who knows?? Anything anymore??

Maw: About him drawing a blank - it's not meant to be insensitive to you. It's just that we get so far in analyzing ourselves that we shut down on ourselves. It's hard. Sure, it doesn't seem fair to the BS, but honestly it is hard. I'll tell you though, if deep down he wants his marriage, eventually he will break his own barriers. There is a lot of waiting on both ends. It's not fair at all to the BS, but unfortunatley it's reality. I was blessed with an ever loving and patient husband. <p>As for him checking out the board. Maybe try to suggest that he think about looking at the MB site. Maybe look at some of the posts. He doesn't have to let you know but that you are simply suggesting it to him because you feel it may help him with some of the emotions he is trying to sort through for himself. This shows you want him to do it for him too. Then you could let him know that if he does look at it and is interested you would be happy to direct him to some posts you think are helpful (not for just him, but for you and the two of you together). If not, that's his choice, but you would be willing to be there if he chooses to check it out and want to explore it together. Another angel is that you could offer to print a few posts that you think might help the thought process and give him some insight before he decides if he wants to go to the site. Someone else had done that for their spouse. <p>I am more than happy to offer my support and insights. I know from experience it really helps to hear it from the other side, especially when it's productive. It really helps you to see and understand what's in your spouses thoughts, to an extent, especially when they aren't fully relaying it to you themself.<p>Good luck. Me, I've learned a lot from several BS. They have been my saving hope. I get so wordy at times because I hope that I too can make a difference as others have for me. You are doing fine though, and I will be here whenever you like.

tutter - I have suggested that he read these sites or read stuff that I have printed articles etc.. and he thinks that it is our problem only - that no two situations are alike and that it should be only between us to.. So you are saying that there is the off chance right now that he really is just confused about everything and there still is a chance since he keeps drawing a blank that we can work this out??? I don't think that he has dealt with the fact he had an affair - he thinks that that has no importance on his feelings now??? I admit there were problems but I also was not made aware of them.. Every time I get down I come to this website and see some WS acting the same way my husband is?? Someone gave me the 180 to do.. but I am having a hard time with that.. I love my husband very much and I want to patient is just sometimes it hurts so much - I was thinking maybe if I recorded him sometime and had him listen to himself he would realize how off the wall he sounds.. but I would never do that.. I appreciate lengthy responses and thank you again for caring... Sometimes I just wonder why if he did this to me, he screwed up my life, and yet still it is always about him.... he thinks I act like his mother.. I told him he acts like my child most of the time.. Time for him to grow up.. I want to be a wife, friend and lover... not his mother for gods sake...

<<.. and he thinks that it is our problem only - that no two situations are alike and that it should be only between us to..>><p>He's right, no two situations are alike, but there are similiar grounds. Also, something that helped one situation (which could be totally different from your situation), may be found to be of great help in your own. Also, I it's very natural for men to want to keep things between only "us". My husband wasn't too big on me visiting the boards. So instead I took in what I could use and applied it. I even used other peoples words almost as my own when talking to him. This way he was getting the info I felt would help, but not feeling like he had to go to someone else for it. <p><<So you are saying that there is the off chance right now that he really is just confused about everything and there still is a chance since he keeps drawing a blank that we can work this out??? I don't think that he has dealt with the fact he had an affair ->><p>I absolutley believe that could be true. Sure, I bet he hasn't faced or dealt with the fact that he had an affair. Like most, he just wants to be done with it, and that too is normal. However, if he really wants his marriage he will reach the point that he realizes it's not that easy. When he gets to that point the fact that you have stuck by him through so much will help him through his mess of emotions (meaning what he did, how he'd become, etc.) that he will just be acknowledging.<p><<I admit there were problems but I also was not made aware of them..>><p>So, start there. Put the affair aside for now, if you can, and address the other problems and start from there.<p><<I love my husband very much and I want to patient is just sometimes it hurts so much ->><p>Of coures it hurts, and your pain is real. He doesn't tell you that, and you may think he doesn't think that, but I would have to guess he does. It's just very hard to deal with for us to. We are the cause of that pain. Then, your pain is our pain. Me, I had a hard time with it because my husbands pain hurt me so much and I didn't want to say that because I didn't want him to think I was making it about me. It wasn't that at all, and we finally were able to discuss this and he understood completely. However, it's hard to express that I hurt because I have hurt you, and on top of it I had so much control in hurting you but absolutely no control in taking your pain away.<p><<Sometimes I just wonder why if he did this to me, he screwed up my life, and yet still it is always about him....>><p>It's easier to make it about himself then to face the reality of what it's done to you and your marriage.<p><<I want to be a wife, friend and lover... not his mother for gods sake...>><p>Have you told him this? If not, do - exactly like you have written it.<p>Chin up and try to stay positive. There will be good day; there will be bad days; there will be really bad days; but there will be good days. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Tutter - true, true, true... Good days vs. bad days... Yesterday he said that he was thinking about coming home.. which would be a great place to start I know now that this cannot be fixed overnight - He basically is the one who just wants to forget it.. the I did it, I screwed up, I admitted it, now forget it.. I think he really needs to deal with what he did - but he doesn't think so.. I have told him exactly how I feel even though I get the we have grown apart- I am not in love with you stuff - but yesterday he called me and said he was going out for pizza with the guy from work so he wouldn't be stopping over to see the kids then he asked if I was mad and I said would you care if I was mad he said yes - then he said he would be at his mom's by 9:30 - 10:00 then he called me at 9:30 so I wouldn't worry all night about him being out all night - this from the man who doesn't love me... He is so confused... I cannot wait until Thursday for his therapist appt. he also said he was gonna go there with an attitude that it will help not just because I am making him go.. So yesterday things were looking up... He says we will talk today Saturday... I just need him to come home and I am not gonna pressure... I Know things are majorly screwed up right now but I feel we owe it to ourselves to try and fix it... thank you again.. Hopefully today will also be a good day... Hey I havent cried since Thursday that is something major for me anyways...

Well, things seem to have gone ok (with the phone call and all). I hope the rest of your weekend went well. Yes, he wants to just forget about it. That's normal. Like I said before, I'm sure you want to be done with it too. Unfortunately, it takes the WS longer to appreciate the grieving period and all that is involved in getting to that point. You are right, he is confused, and as long as you can continue to appreciate that you will help him to be able to appreciate your feelings too. I hope his session goes well, and it is great that he is going with a positive attitude. As for him reading the site - again, use it to help you, to vent, and apply when you can. It will in the end have somewhat the same effect. I wish for you plenty of good days, but on those that aren't, I (along with many others) will be here to help support. The roller coaster will seem shaky many times, especially in the beginning, but it does get better. Hang tough, and good luck to you. Oh, treasure the call he made to let you know he was at him moms when he said - it is a plus that will help you in the future. I wish you well.

Thank you for your reply.. But I am now back to major confusion again.. it is like he is waiting until Friday to tell me if he wants a divorce or not.. he just called me at 2:50 to tell me he wasn't leaving work at 3:00 - he spent all day yesterday laying on my couch while he did his laundry then he left to go out to eat with a friend.. The kids said one more week dad and he still can't give me an answer as to whether he is coming home or not.. he said he calls me because he thinks I am a basket case and might hurt myself.. he doesn't sound like a person with the intention of getting a divorce but he is definately driving me crazy.. But he is going to the therapist on Thursday so I just have to wait until then..