inafunk,<p>I am glad you have made the decision that you have. It will be hard work and yes you will slowly begin to see the pain you have caused. But you posted something that I think really requires some deep consideration from you.<p>You said <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> To "scared to be single again"...when I said months & months of accusations & questions, I meant that's what lies
ahead for me. Also, way before this affair happened, my husband would be jealous/insecure for absolutely no reason. Always asking questions in an accusatory manner, and he himself even admitted that when he heard himself on tape. It would take forever for me to explain our past, his insecurities, etc, but just know that he was like this before...it was just magnified when the affair started.<hr></blockquote><p>You state that your H is jealous. Mr. Bunky recommend counseling for the both of you. Wise advice. <p>HOWEVER, what you are going to have to do is understand his jealousy. For from where I am sitting he seems extremely justified in having it.
You have only been married since Dec. barely 4 months. <p>1. You simply run into an old flame and the marriage is thrown in the dumper and you are off to have an affair.<p>2. Your friends help you with the affair,and of course keep him in the dark.<p>3. My bet is that your actions previous to the marriage with regard to going out with these friends did not inspire confidence that you could do the right thing.<p>4. You apparently had little sense of commitment to him even in your short marriage. The affair started one month into it. He didn't have time to not meet your needs or be a poor H.<p>You then say he is insecure and jealous. HELLO, I wonder why??? You have any clues?<p>What is the purpose of me posting this to you??<p>IF you want to rebuild your marriage, YOU need to stop and really look at your behaviors both before the marriage and certainly after and ask yourself. If someone I loved did these things would they bother me?<p>Then while in counseling and/or reading the marriagebuilding materials start to understand why you did these things. THE ONLY THING THAT WILL REBUILD YOUR H'S CONFIDENCE IN YOU AND HIMSELF IS YOU UNDERSTANDING YOUR ACTIONS AND TAKING ACTION TO PROTECT THE TWO OF YOU FROM WHAT LED YOU THERE.<p>Please, think about this. Also not to discourage you, but it will take probably two years before all of the damage from the affair moves completely into the background. Be ready to go the distance. Yes, you are right you will see months of very raw emotions from your H. They will include: depression, anger, fear, jealousy, anxiety,...<p>The only thing you can do to help will be very honest with him and do your best to be a good W to him. He will have to heal pretty much on his own. The sad fact is that you can offer many things but you must give him time to heal. You had the capacity to damage him deeply and you did, but you won't have the capacity to restore him. You can and should help him, but it will take time and a lot of work on his part.<p>So when you do your reading, take the time to examine your behavior both before and after the wedding. I suspect that if you are honest with yourself you never took the time to protect your relationship with your BF/H. That one thing if no other is what you must do now.<p>Hope some of this makes sense to you.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

I didnt mean that the H is 50% responsible for the A. I meant that the H is 50% responsible for the state of the marraige. Sorry if I was misleading. <p>But I also think that the demands list is not called for. To me, it sounds like he is making demands and it would seem unfair to me for him to do that.

inafunk,<p>You are getting wonderful input here. Do keep coming here for support.<p>One of the things that both of you are going to have to do is to determine what your contributions were to the state of your marriage. The affair is a different issue. You are both flawed. Your H may be insecure/jealous, and a lot of other things. And you have your flaws. In MB we call those things Love Busters (LB). One of the exercises that MB has spouses do is to identify their LB’s and learn to eradicate them from their behavior.<p>I understand that you are upset because he told people about your affair. Well lets look at this from both sides. You had OM and your friends as support through your entire affair. Last night your friends took care of you so that you would be ok. Your H also needs people to take care of him. He needed a support system too. <p>Was he wrong on telling people? No more wrong then you were in having an affair. If you expect him to forgive you your affair, a much more grievous harm. Then you will have to find it in your heart to forgive him his telling and seeking support. <p>I also feel that the conditions he has put on his continuing in your marriage are totally reasonable. You will see this once you read SSA. If my husband had not agreed to similar guidelines I would have never stayed with him one more day. There would not have been a Plan A from me. Why? Because a total commitment to working on our marriage was the only thing I would accept. Each spouse has the right to impose their own boundaries. The other spouse has the right to decide whether or not they can live with the boundaries.<p>One of the approaches that really works well in recovery is for each of the spouses to treat the other as they would expect to be treated if the roles were reversed.<p>I can tell you that it takes a BS months to get beyond the betrayal of an affair. One of the most healing things a WS can do is to answer all of the questions the BS has truthfully. It’s hard for both parties but it will spring board your recovery. This goes hand in hand with the BS not using the information to hurt the WS. It’s a two way street.<p>After you read SSA, you may want to pass them on to your H. Perhaps you can both post here. My H and I did during the first 8 months of our recovery. It was very helpful.<p>[ March 28, 2002: Message edited by: zorweb ]</p>

JL...<p>You have your info confused here. I have dated my husband since 1988. We have been married 2 1/2 years. And the A started a month ago! His jealousy, I think, stems back to when he cheated on ME. His motto is, "If you don't trust, you can't be trusted." And he never trusted me...for no reason. I never gave him a reason not to trust me, but he cheated on me. He said he was not trusting me because of what he was doing. I'm telling you there's MUCH history here and I've only posted the surface of it all.<p>Up until 2 months ago, I was "the perfect wife"...in his eyes and the envy of our friends. I would cook, clean, entertain, work, and show him the love he needed. We went out together, with our friends. We just bought a beautiful new house. We were OK. So, you see, he had no reason to be jealous, but he just was. I recently got a job making more $ than him, and he admitted he was jealous of that. He's also a bit insecure when it comes to me...he finds me beautiful, and thinks that whatever man I speak to in my everyday life wants to screw me. He says it's impossible for a man & woman to be friends. He said that's just how men think. I disagree. I have 2 male friends at work that will never go any further than that. But I could never tell him this b/c he would ask me 20 questions about them daily. I'd rather not deal, so I never brought it up. This is ALL before the OM! By the way, the OM was NOT an old flame. Someone I did not know previously.<p>I know I'm not right in this situation, but you did alot of assuming in your post, and I'd like you to re-think your reply.<p>When I got married, I never dreamed this could happen. It bit me in the a$$ alright. I let him in. I was wrong. I am willing to fix that.

Inafunk,<p>Your are absolutely right and I deeply apologize. I am afraid that I was thinking of someone elses post when I responded to you again.<p>You are right and again I apologize. <p>God Bless,<p>JL

ina - it is very common for a person to suspect their partner of their own behavior. He likely thinks, if he can/did do it, what stops you from doing the same? It is a way of not dealing with the insecurity of their own behavior. I have felt it before and my wife felt it when her affair ended. She became overly concerned, for no reason, that I would have an affair five years into the future?!?!? Very irrational but typical.<p>Like I said, he needs counseling as well. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You need to also know that you husband is right. Many, I would say most, men do have difficulty with social relationships with woman. We often do not know where our boundaries are. It can be something as simple as eyeing a woman innapproriately. When women are nice to us, we can misinterpret as affection.<p>My wife's A began with her and a coworker where he would share his marital problems with her. She had no interest in him but the simple fact that she could be caring of him, fueled his desire until the point where he eventually came onto her. He thought that she was interested in him as well (she was not at the time but she had difficult with her own boundaries and did not know how to end it once it began).

Mr. Bunky...<p>I have to just say you're an amazingly understanding man! I just hope that my H will be as patient and understanding as you have been with your W. How long has it been since all this happened for you? Do you come here still for support or just to help others?<p>IAF

Thanks Ina!<p>I come here for both. Some days are better than others. Monday and Tuesday were down days. My wife and I argued quite a bit. Wednesday was completely different (almost 180) and today is the same. Lately, I have been offering more advice than asking for such. I have read so many books on the subject at this point, as well as going to counseling twice a week (individual and marriage) that I think I now have a handle on most of it.<p>Don't get me wrong, I still have difficulty with acceptance at times. I still feel the anger, the hurt, the intense pain, and even the hatred that you H will likely go through. I just know that such will be temporary and that through my pain, I can have a happier marriage than I once had.<p>I found out Jan 18, then again on Feb 1, then seperation on Feb 4. The A ended the same night as the seperation. Wife put her ring back on Feb 8 but we did not actively begin recovery until Feb 25, when she moved back in.<p>See my signature for the details on some of what we have been through.<p>I won't mislead you, I was not very understanding at first. In many ways, my depression (was put on anti-deps) kept me from flipping out. I also already had many of the books from this site so I had some knowledge on how to handle it. I would recommend you sit down with your H and read such books together and to discuss them. Do not defend you behavior. This is very important. Don't blame him for any actions you took. You can say felt unloved or you felt this or that, but be very careful of placing blame.<p>One thing I hope most people learn here is that you learn more when you teach. I have learned far much more by responding to posts than from any posts I started. I hope one day that my wife and I can "minister" to others that are dealing with these issues. I know it has been very healing for me.