H left to go out with his buddy guy friend at 8:45pm. He said he'd be about one hour. They were going to Tim Horton's for a coffee (it's a canadian thing, eh?). It's now past 11:30pm, and I'm getting PISSED OFF!!!<p>I don't want to call his cellphone, for fear that I will say something I will regret later (such as 'whereever you are right now, you may as well stay there, because I don't want you home tonight').<p>Sure, I'm on Celexa right now (it's been almost 2 1/2 weeks now), but although my heartrate isn't as fast as it would be without the meds, I can still feel the anger inside of me. I am thankful it's not able to boil - but it's still there! <p>How should I address H when he comes home? I'm looking for specific statements if possible.<p>Thanks. <p>Karen

You're mad! But act AS IF, it doesn't matter that he's late... ESPECIALLY if you USUALLY blow up... it'll make him wonder....<p>Don't say anything about him being late... let him bring it up... <p>YOU'RE right... he should've called you... BUT in the long run IS IT WORTH IT TO GET PISSED OFF???<p>Later, when you are no longer in emotion you can discuss why calling you is important... I know it is a BIG issue for me... but I've pretty much given it up... told him WHY it was important to me... guess what... he's left more notes and called more in our whole relationship since I DECIDED IT DIDN'T MATTER IF HE CALLED or left a note. (and, I make sure I let him know how much I appreciate it when he does....)<p>Also... I sometimes have let time get away from me and haven't called or answered my cell... He didn't much like it when it happened... I simply said the same things he'd say to me... "I just got caught up w/ so and so." "I didn't notice the time." etc.<p>Hugs,
Cali<p>Remember... you can be right. you can be married. you can't always be both... and in being right... that's all you get... there is no prize for being right.

Thanks Cali. I have to admit, keeping my mouth shut is NOT something I've learned throughout this whole ordeal. Sadly sometimes, I have an opinion on just about anything and everything. Learning when NOT to say something hasn't been my strong suit. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You're right though, I AM MAD!! I don't think it's so much that he hasn't bothered to call to say he'll be later, it's more to the point that he specifically told me he'd be one hour. I've asked him before to NOT give me a time unless he can stick to it. My trust level is back up there again where I don't have as much of a problem with him going out with the guys - UNTIL he pulls crap like this, you know? [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Now I need to do a LOT of talking to myself. It'll go something like this: "C'mon Karen. You CAN be the better person here!! You CAN stop from telling H how much he's hurt you tonight". It sure is easier to say than do, huh? <p>Karen

Yep... but it's funny... when you give up the need to be 'in control' of it... give it to God...<p>God does His stuff.<p>This is a test... it is only a test... it is hard... but it will get easier.<p>More hugs.
Cali

Karen,<p>You can do this!!! You can do this!!!You can!!
Cali gave you some good advice!!
Keep talking to yourself!!! Just watch out for the answers!!!HA!<p>Keeping my mouth shut is one of things that I have learned through this ordeal, now if I can do it when WH is around, like this weekend, he'll be here with kids all weekend. Not staying with us though!!!<p>As far as when your H comes home, say something like "Gosh you're home." OR "gee, that was longer then you said" OR just bite your tongue and not be available when he comes home. Be in the bathroom and make sure the front door is locked. (Specially if he doesn't have his key)
ok so that was mean!! sorrrrry!<p>Just venting a lil, been a loooooong day!<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

This is nuts. He's been gone for almost FOUR HOURS!!! When he told me he would only be gone for one hour.<p>He is being WAY TOO DISRESPECTFUL of me!!! He and I have been talking about what I need from him, and he still isn't proving enough to me! <p>You know what folks? My anger is already turning to sadness. There are so... many things he's done of late that just don't show any respect for me at all. The most prominent in my mind is from a few weeks ago (the weekend before I started on the Celexa) when I was having suicidal tendancies, he didn't have a clue. And although I eventually came right out and told him what I had been doing for a few hours (online counselling, trying to call a local suicide hotline, imagining slashing my wrists, etc), he didn't know what to say or do. Okay, fine. I'll ease up on that one, b/c I don't know what I wanted from him then either. But the VERY NEXT NIGHT, what did he do? He went out with his buddyfriendguy. The man KNEW I was contemplating suicide, he SAW me crying almost every night, he HEARD my angry outbursts over insignificant things, he FELT my withdrawal from him. And what did he do? He took off to have coffee with his buddy. That sure as heck doesn't show me that he cares about me.<p>I really don't know how we're going to get past this bump. I fear it's more of a mountain, and being mostly plan A'd out, I've gotten rid of my hiking boots. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen

Dawn: on the key thing... boy am I tempted with that one!!! But that's how this whole A crap escalated to where it did - by me kicking him out of the house based on my emotions (and angry outbursts [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] ). That's when he turned to OW#1 all the more.<p>I'm not worried that there's an OW in the picture, however, my reactions to H's buddy friend guy are fairly similar. He's taking up too much of our 15 hours a week, IMO. And I really do NOT like the BOY my H becomes after spending any length of time with this guy. It's a MAJOR LB for me.<p>We just can't POJA past this friend of his. And I know the friend isn't the entire problem, but H still doesn't 'get it' about his 'forgetfulness' and how it hurts me. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen

This is your OPPORTUNITY... for trying the BIG experiment.<p>This is a TEST. You've been in this spot before. DON'T repeat the past. DON't repeat the past.<p>Do a 180... react COMPLETELY differently.<p>LET HIM COME TO THE REALIZATION ON HIS OWN. Trust that he will. <p>Yeah, he's being a jerk. Is being right on this... being emotional more important than being married? Yeah... plan A can suck... but it's for LIFE... plan A for life... <p>Cali

Karen, keep talking to us, we will be here awhile!!<p>I am so sorry that you have been feeling so awful, I will pray that you find a way through all of this, and that the Lord makes you strong.<p>I really like Cali's 180 thing, I've thought how can I implement that this weekend my self. I need strength.<p>Hey Cali, give me some ides's on how I can 180, Karen what are you thoughts hgow can I do this, maybe we can do it together sort of in our own ways!!!
Dawn

I'm ticked. THIS time it's b/c I was just about finished a long post, and then my finger slipped, and I pressed something on the keyboard that made it all disappear!!! AUGHH!!!<p>Anyways, the gist of what I had typed was that I've been trying to plan A myself this past month. The things I've been doing are:<p>- quit smoking (almost 3 1/2 weeks now)
- went to dr about my depression (btw, I'm triggering over Andrew, NOT the A)
- seen the dentist FINALLY (it's been YEARS!) and had some work done with follow-up appts in april.
- decided to do my best NOT to do things for others that they can do for themselves. It's been stressing me out.<p>Doing 180's like what you're suggesting I do tonight (NOT blow up in H's face) is hard for me. Does it make sense to you that by my 'freaking out' on my H, I am showing him I care? I AM worried. But I also don't want to look like I'm checking up on him, which is why I haven't tried to call his cellphone.<p>Do you think I should call him now? <p>Karen

By blowing up, you are doing what he expects and that is why he has no respect for you in this area? If you can 180 right here right now, you aren't doing what he expects.<p>Call or not to call? That one is hard one, can you star 82 so his cell phone wont pick up the number?<p>Could you call and say that one of the boys is running a temp and could he get some baby tylenol on his way home (make sure you hide what is already in the house)?<p>I too hate it when I lose a really good post!! UGH!!<p>Dawn

From topie's post on Daybreak's 180s:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Granted, I only tried the 'no reaction' a few times. I have 'always' been one to blow up throughout our relationship. Okay... my brain in working now. That consistency part of plan A. Long term changes. Not short ones.<hr></blockquote><p> [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Cali [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Topie, <p>I think you need to learn to drive. <p>Seriously, you need to sit your man down and let him know. NOt now but when you are calmer. Hm........ when will that be? Ok, if you don't know yet, work towards it. <p>You have a lot going on in your body right now and on top of that monthly cycles have a way of playing havoc. You have been through a lot more than most of us here. <p>Take a breather. If this 'friend' of H's is hurting U, tell him. If he doesn't do anything, ask him what he can do to help U. Maybe he needs a break or maybe he is trying to avoid something. Find out. <p>Hugz,
L.

Dawn: Hmmm... I don't want to *82 him. What's the point of that in my situation? I know he wouldn't purposely NOT answer the phone whether it was me or not.<p>And as perfect as the baby temperature thing is right now (the boys have all been sick all week, and the twins especially, have had fevers), H already got more meds just this afternoon when he was out with the older one. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Thanks for trying though. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>And as far as the deleted post goes, that's only happened to me about 3 times now. And I STILL don't know what key it is I press (or succession of keys) that makes it disappear!!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen

Orchid: I don't know whether or not it's truly H's friend that's hurting me, or just H. I do know that I don't like his friend. The main reason for that is b/c H used to use him a LOT during our separation as his 'excuse' for not being able to come over (this friend is his former boss - H used 'work' as an excuse a LOT). That coupled with the fact that this friend told me to F-off one night when he and I were having it out (vocally) in the driveway (THAT was an interesting night - the first time he knew that H had slept around on me!). So those are my 2 reasons for disliking the friend. He's a trigger from our separation, and he's rude.<p>There is more anger towards my H. My lovebank is running near empty again. It hasn't really been filling up in huge amounts between LB's. And there are still those EN's not being met. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>When talking about the driving, are you referring to that in a LITERAL sense? [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] (b/c I don't have my license?). If so, I KNOW I need to do that. All I need to do is be able to put $100 aside for the starters permit and test. And once I can do that, I have to hope that the OPSEU strike is over so that I can get my butt down to the Dept. of Motor Vehicles!!! (they've been on strike for 3 weeks now). Just another one of those 'plan A' things for me.<p>Seriously though, I have TRIED to talk to him about these things. I have told him what I need from him, and in return I have asked him to let me know what he needs from me too. And I get nothing. We've tried POJAing on just about everything, and those 'plans' get broken. I'm getting really tired of it. I'm on the verge of talking to his parents about it tomorrow... how SAD is THAT??? OMG!!! I want to tattle tale on my H!!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] What can I say? I feel as though he's acting like a little boy, and therefore I feel the need to treat him like one. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Don't worry, I won't say anything to the in-laws tomorrow.<p>Karen

I just called H on his cellphone. I'm not impressed that I had to call a SECOND time before he answered.<p>H claims he's at the Husky house (truck stop restaurant). H claims he didn't realize what time it was, because he and buddy friend guy started 'talking'. I'm sorry. But FIVE HOURS went by and he DIDN'T NOTICE???? I am SO ticked off at his lack of consideration for my feelings.<p>I'll admit it. I did LB when talking to him. I told him what my emotions were telling me to do (lock him out of the house), and that he and I need to talk about this [censored] once I've had the chance to calm down.<p>Darnit! I did it again,huh? This process I've been using for our entire relationship is NOT WORKING!!! I KNOW that!!! And yet I still DO IT!!! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>At least I know why that is though - it's because I've done many other changes, I've been the one who fought for this M, and now I'm the one who's tired out. I'm trying not to turn into a taker, but I certainly not feeling like a giver at all. What would that make me, and neutralizer?? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] I'm tired. Some things are REALLY funny when you're seeing blurry. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen

How disrespectful is that... He knew what he was doing. He knew what time it was, he just didn't care. And, he knows that you will take good care of his kids while he is gone... Is he drinking? Is that why he is being this way? So nonchalant about your emotional needs?<p>I don't blame you for LBing. When they KNOW what our buttons are and they push them anyway, what can we do? ACT LIKE WE LIKE IT? I don't think so...<p>I don't know, Topie, maybe if you could get to a place (emotionally) where your world doesn't revolve around this man, you could survive his blatant disregard for your feelings and needs and insecurities...<p>Sometimes and especially during times when I expect my H to be in certain places and he's NOT, I say a prayer and hand him over to God and let GOD worry about him. That sort of takes the pressure off me NOT KNOWING where he is or why he's late. It doesn't solve the problem, but it helps me cope. Hang in there and sending lots of HUGS your way! I would tell you to be strong, but I know you're already strong! You're a mom of multiples!!! GO TOPIE! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Wish I would've been here last nite.<p>Topie -- this will work for you when you're able to drive. <p>Simply wait until he pulls into the driveway.
(have a bag packed and in the car) Get into your car and simply say -- "be back in an hour!!"
Then leave and check yourself into a hotel.<p>Come home in the morning (5 - 6 hours later) and say --- "oh sorry hon, I lost track of time!!"

BTDT: I wouldn't say my world revolves around my H. But then again, I'm IN the situation, so I'm not seeing things as clearly as any outsider would. That 'handing it over to God' thing would be a perfect idea for me - I'm just not there yet. My excuse right now is that I have 'issues' with God that I haven't dealt with yet (Andrew's passing of course). I guess you could say that my biggest problem is that I CARE about my H. I was getting worried last night. But it's true, he sure as hell didn't CARE about me, did he? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Lexxxy: Yeah, I wish you were around last night too. You have a great way of telling it like it is. I like that - a LOT. You say what I think. As much as I like your idea of the car and motel thing, I gotta tell ya, it's just not me. I would NEVER do something like that, because I am totally uncomfortable with the idea. Granted, wouldn't that be one hell of a 180, huh? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I'm still ticked off today. It made it somewhat hard to enjoy our afternoon out of town at his aunts house with the kids (eggs hunts, big lunch, egg decorating, gift exchange, etc), because we haven't dealt with the situation.<p>It sort of came up in the mini van on the way there (an hour drive from our house). He asked me about an idea of his for us (getting a sitter and us going out, just the 2 of us! That hasn't happened in about 1 1/2 yrs). I flat out told him that I was tired of being 'asked' about these things, because I've already given my 'yeas' and 'neas' in the past. And that all I want from him is to actually show me ACTIONS. I'm tired of the WORDS! Then I used the example of last night, how he SPOKE that he would be gone for one hour, but is ACTIONS proved otherwise. I let it go after that though - I didn't want to get into a heated argument. I have to calm down more first.<p>Thanks to all of you for being here for me. It's great to know I can always come here, even over the silliest little things. After the crap of the A, I haven't turned to anyone in person for venting or listening (which is bad, sort of... I just don't want to bother them). MB is such a special place to me, for that reason. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen

Hi TOpie, I am so sorry that your H is so inconsiderate to you. My H has done the same for YEARS... and there have been times when he did not do this sort of thing.. but the kids...a re the reason... I am home.. he is out... I have called and tattled on h, doesn't work... inlaws just start to hate me...<p>I have yelled at , screamed at, and locked h out... even thrown him out of the car... these are all reasons he has given for leaving me... guess what he forgot what he did to me first before I acted like that!<p>I am just sorry, I see our h's are similar... Is he drinking.... My H's neglect of me and our family life.. and his frequent outings led to the A and our distancing...<p>Sorry it is the same for you... sorry both of our H's think they are teenagers.. while we take care of the kids..<p>Hugs, H [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]