Many of you may not know me or even remember me. I have dreamed of writing &#8220;its been a year&#8221; post but I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be posting this. <p>One year ago I found the place that saved my sanity and later my marriage. When I found MB I read for 12 straight hours and I didn&#8217;t even get near the message board!! I found MB on March 30th and made my first post on March 31st as DSN (Member ID 9662). I then created a new log on since I forgot my password at home, LostNco (Member ID 9684). After Dday, there was an invasion of EX-PB (ex parasitic boyfriend) and I deleted the majority of my posts. Due to that invasion, I also changed my log on and didn&#8217;t tell anyone who I really was until much later.<p>There are a couple of reasons I am back to post. One is to thank you all from the very bottom of my heart for everything. I will never be able to thank you enough or put into words how indebted I am to you all. Without God, this board, Jennifer Harley and my offline &#8220;therapists&#8221; (you ladies know who you are [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ) I don&#8217;t know where I&#8217;d be. [H] later joined me in recovery. Without all he did for me and for our marriage, I don&#8217;t know that we would have survived, let alone thrived. Thank you [H] for everything. I love you with all that I am. Also, thank you all for your support of [H], it means more to me than I can put into words.<p>Second, for all of you that just found out or are struggling with this roller coaster, I just want to remind you that it DOES get better and you WILL be ok. Remember those ugly words? Time and patience! With time and patience it does get better. Believe me, I know. I am a success story and so is my marriage. [H] and I have survived his A and thrived in recovery. We apply plan A, POJA, no LBs and the 4 rules of marriage to our lives daily. We/I now know what it takes to have a successful loving marriage. And let me tell you all, it is absolutely WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!<p>Last but not least, here&#8217;s a little update.<p>I still have triggers and down days but they are few and far between. My anxiety attacks are gone, a trigger wont cause me have a break down and curl into the fetal position, and I can actually say FOW&#8217;s name without issue. I am codependent and I am working on recovery from my codependency tendencies. I believe it was Twyla or BR that recommended &#8220;The Language of Letting Go&#8221; for all BSs. I apologize if I have listed the wrong lady, but I would like to thank you for the recommendation. This books has helped immensely!!!!<p>We still have issues like any other married couple but they are not related to the A. We&#8217;re back to a &#8220;normal&#8221; married couple. I love this man more than I thought possible. The MB way of life really works. Again, we are proof of it. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I should be working right now so I&#8217;ll be signing off. I wish you all the best of luck in your adventures. Please remember to take care of YOU! You are important, you are special and you do matter! With time and patience, you will be ok. Don't ever forget it ladies and gentlemen.<p>K/DSN/LostNco
[H]&#8217;s wife [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Congrats to you both for a successful year. Please stick around?

Yes, Congrats. Yours is the story that gives us all hope.<p> Do you think you could get that man you love so much to maybe give a little post? I know he helped all of us a great deal to understand what he went through. I know there are many here who would love to see another post from [H]. Myself included.<p> jd

Dear Knewjie and [H],<p>It is good to hear from you my dear friend. Howz the kitties and pups? <p>I can't believe it has been a year already. My phone bill has gone down a bit. LOL!!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>U 2 are definitely a success story. [H] you wrote novels and K & I talked up a storm!!!! LOL! I know that many benefitted from the insight from both of you. Last year was a difficult year for the both of you but it ended happily. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Wishing you both well for many years to come. <p>Thanks for sharing your stories and caring for us. <p>Aloha,
L.

Remember YOU? I have been waiting FOREVER to hear from ONE of you...<p>Your [H], among others, literally saved my life last summer.<p>I am so glad to hear that you two are doing well.<p>God's continued Blessings to you both,
Cali

knewjie (and [H]), Yes I remember you. Your story gave me such hope. Unfortunately, the outcome of my own story is not as bright. After 15 months of fence-sitting and constant lies I gave H ultimatum to decide between me and OW. He chose OW and I've barely heard from him since. I am devastated, but taking one day at a time and taking care of myself as well as I can. <p>I'm so happy for you and [H] that everything is going so well. Sounds like the hard work paid off!

Let the posting begin,<p>Thank you [H] for everything. I love you with all that I am. Also, thank you all for your support of [H], it means more to me than I can put into words.<p>I cannot be solely responcible for your recovery my love. However, you are most welcome for the support I give. As you are well deserving and well worth it. Know that I thank you for your loving support of me as well.<p>In simplistic words: I love you, and I'll continue to do my part and help in anyway I can.<p>
We’re back to a “normal” married couple. I love this man more than I thought possible. The MB way of life really works. Again, we are proof of it.<p>We were never "Normal" [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>[H]
Someone please fix my computer :

Hey Howdy WAT,<p>
Congrats to you both for a successful year. Please stick around?<p>Just trying to figure out this posting thing again, it's been forever and a "Year" since i've been here, but well stick around i'm sure, as we've done in the past. I got briefed a little bit about your story from Knewjie this morning, I'm sorry to hear things haven't worked out to the best on your end of the world. There's always hope for a brighter day and better future. Hang in there and make it happen.

JD,<p>
Yes, Congrats. Yours is the story that gives us all hope.
Do you think you could get that man you love so much to maybe give a little post? I know he helped all of us a great deal to understand what he went through. I know there are many here who would love to see another post from [H]. Myself included.<p>Always glad to help out in what little way I can. I guess you can consider this another post [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] since thats indeed what I'm doing. I've not really had a chance to catch up on a lot of the stories here, so hopefully you'll help me out with a little bit of your story, and whats been happening, or a link where I can read up on the lastest things-a-goin-on. Until then, take care JD, it's good to see you =)

Wow, it is so good to hear from the two of you. I have wondered how you have been. I am so glad to hear that things are going so well. I wish I could say the same. I will continue to fight for what I believe in and remember the hope that you have past on to me.<p>Thanks for the update.
Sinking

Orchid, =)<p>How's it going lady? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>That's right "You're a lady" something you should never forget. Despite who calls you whatever name is hip and trendy that week. You've been a great assest of knowledge, and a fantastic friend of the family. So please keep in touch with us, and let someone (Knewjie, or Me) know how things in sunny CA are going.<p>
[H] you wrote novels
<p>I dunno about novels, I just type fast and pour out a lot of information, some of it helpful, some of it long winded [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>P.s. Give us a call, send emails, fedex cookies... Either of those would be fine.

Remember YOU? I have been waiting FOREVER to hear from ONE of you...
Your [H], among others, literally saved my life last summer.<p>I am so glad to hear that you two are doing well.<p>God's continued Blessings to you both,
Cali
<p>Well given all the posting we did back then, it was difficult to see if it was really helping folks or not. Considering I had some 15 threads going or something, each with a large piece of rambling or thought for the day in it, and now its been a year, and a lot of faces come and go through these halls.<p>It's difficult to remember everyone, some folks you'll always remember for thier stories, ect. We definately remember a lot of faces out there. You are one of those people Cali, we followed your story for some time, and hopefully gave some okay advice in return, as well as recieved advice from you in the past. So thank you Cali.<p>How are things going?

*Puts on his marriage builders t-shirt*<p>For all those wondering.<p>I've got a pretty good memory, so no worries I've not for gotten any of the stories i've read in past and I've not forgotten your faces (marriage builder signin names) I spent a lot of time here last year, posting a lot of information, and talking to a lot of people. You folks are some of the coolest people on the planet, and I thank you again for all the help and support you've given us in our marriage. We appreciate everyone of you for the time you took to post a little assuring comment here and there, or some advice, or even just a (Hug). Those things make a big difference in everyones life.<p>About us? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Well its a year later or so. I didn't join the MB bandwagon until much later on, but glad to see a lot of you folks haven't given up and are continuing to make a positive step in your lives, and in your marriages here.<p>Marriage builders is a great concept, great books, great ideas, and if you put some of them into practice, you can do worlds of good with them. It's not really hard actually it's not been all that difficult at all. You just have to think about things a little different. It's a bit like putting a puzzle together. You've got a piece you know it fits somewhere, but your not sure where. So you stop and ask your loved one, does she or he know where that piece fits? So you build this puzzle together, and are assured that all the pieces will fit. When you put the pieces together, you get a strange deja voo feeling, atleast I do. Like hmm I should have known that, and "That makes a lot of sense to me" So once you learn to think a little differently then you've done in the past things start to go together very quickly, and easily.<p>Side note: "Yeah the puzzle analogy is kinda lame, but best I could come up with at 9am [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] "<p>Or (In between letting the puppies out and getting more coffee, I came up with this)<p>It's kinda like you bought two identical desks you have to put together. You all know what I'm talking about. Desks, entertainment stands, book shelves, dressers, and so on. <p>They come in a little box, and have a bazillion pieces and some really lame instruction manual that makes absolutely no sense at times. The instruction manual looks like it was drawn by a 6 year old kid, and he hired his friend down the street to label and write the dialog.<p>The first one you attempt to put together you end up using the wrong bolts, here and there, and some how end up with extra pieces no matter how hard you tried to put it together right, and how much time you took doing it. It seems as tho you've made some mistakes in building it. <p>In steps marriage builders: <p>From the Books, Tapes, Steve, and Jennifer(sp)
You learn where you should have used this bolt, and that tool, and this piece of wood labeled (A) and so on. They teach you how to assemble the second desk without problems, and how to keep it from falling apart. ( Your marriage that is, not the desks they'll fall apart no matter, but hey they're cheap right? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>So you begin working on the second desk, dresser, whatever it is, and it all seems to make sense, you know exactly what piece goes where, and what bolts are used to hold it together. So things go together quickly, and easily, the end result your happy, proud, and want to do more.<p>So using the books, tapes, and so on. We were able to build our marriage up to what it should have been to start. If these books, tapes, ect were required reading for folks getting married these days, there'd be a lot less divorces and a lot more happy people out there.<p>Good luck to everyone out there. Be strong, follow and apply the materials in your lives. Cause Cali, is giving a test on friday.

Actually, tests are better given on a Thursday due to the high absence rate on Fridays [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ...<p>My update in brief... I think when you last posted my H had just left. He returned in August... not working on marriage... but not wanting to leave children. We had a major trauma w/ two of the boys which blew away some of his 'fog' and he began to see things more clearly... didn't want to be with me... but didn't want to be away from the boys either... There was continued contact Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec. and Jan. (plus the presence of a Young Un... a 18/19 year old girl that he just 'talked' to). He never promised no contact... but I kept checking emails and voicemails and blew my stack whenever I found contact. (nothing like Hurricane Cali) I tried to ignore and just work on me... read a few more books... started to use Divorcebusting stuff to 'move away' from my H to give him space... it made him uncomfortable... We had a wonderful holiday season... I was very relaxed and just focused on family... I thought we were doing very well... going to church has been a contributing factor... but contact after Christmas hurt... her message was that she got his message and he had no idea how patient she could be... she loved him and would always love him... I cried all the way through the grocery store... stormed home and told him that I called her and left her a message... this made her angry... not sure what she said, but it was enough for him to call her a trifling B**** and promised me he would not call her... Feb. and Mar. have been relatively calm... there are many ways I see us reconnecting... but ways I seem him not... we are coming to a big place right now... Schnarch of the Passionate Marriage would say that I am going to a higher level of differentiation... my H can sense it... is uncomfortable w/ it... but doesn't know what to do... and he won't agree to counseling or therapy to help him... but, he's a smart man... and I am going to trust God... I can't fix my H... or even help him fix himself, that is what I am learning... I can only pray for him and love him... <p>Hugs to you both... may I one day be where you are.<p>***edited for spelling not content*** [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
Cali<p>[ April 02, 2002: Message edited by: Cali ]</p>

WAT<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Congrats to you both for a successful year. Please stick around? <hr></blockquote><p>First thank you! Will we stick around? We'll see. We have 5 little monters to take care of and they are VERY deamnding!<p>Take care of you and that son!<p>JD<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Yes, Congrats. Yours is the story that gives us all hope.
Do you think you could get that man you love so much to maybe give a little post? I know he helped all of us a great deal to understand what he went through. I know there are many here who would love to see another post from [H]. Myself included.<p>jd <hr></blockquote><p>Thank you for the compliment. As you already see, [H] has posted. I told him about my post this morning and your response. As [H] said, please give us an update.<p>Orchid<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Howz the kitties and pups? <hr></blockquote><p>They are doing well. Demanding as always. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] The pups will be 1 year this month. Time really does fly!!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I can't believe it has been a year already. My phone bill has gone down a bit. LOL!!!!<hr></blockquote><p>Mine too!!!! It's down about $400-$500 per month. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>U 2 are definitely a success story. [H] you wrote novels and K & I talked up a storm!!!! LOL! I know that many benefitted from the insight from both of you<hr></blockquote><p>[H] did write novels and we did talk up a storm!! Hence my phone bills! LOL [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>. Last year was a difficult year for the both of you but it ended happily. <p>Wishing you both well for many years to come. <hr></blockquote><p>Last year was difficult but we prevailed and we are happy. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>We also wish you and your family well in the years to come. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Thanks for sharing your stories and caring for us.<hr></blockquote><p>No thank you! Thank you, thank you and THANK YOU!<p>((((((((((((((Orchid))))))))))))<p>Cali
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Remember YOU? I have been waiting FOREVER to hear from ONE of you...
Your [H], among others, literally saved my life last summer.<p>I am so glad to hear that you two are doing well.<p>God's continued Blessings to you both,
Cali <hr></blockquote><p>Thank you for your blessings. We/I wish you and your family many of God's blessings. I still pray for you and your family.<p>[H] and I followed your story for quite awhile but I have been away and I'm out of date. Can I get an update?<p>LetSTry
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>knewjie (and [H]), Yes I remember you. Your story gave me such hope. Unfortunately, the outcome of my own story is not as bright. After 15 months of fence-sitting and constant lies I gave H ultimatum to decide between me and OW. He chose OW and I've barely heard from him since. I am devastated, but taking one day at a time and taking care of myself as well as I can.
I'm so happy for you and [H] that everything is going so well. Sounds like the hard work paid off! <hr></blockquote><p>I'm glad we gave you hope. Never loose that, it is a treasure!<p>I'm sorry to hear of your situation. It's been a long road for you. I am so glad you are taking care of you. You are important, you are caring, and you are a wonderful woman. Pleas don't forget that. No matter what life throws at you, never forget it.<p>The hard work did pay off! YEA!!<p>I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers. Hang in there, you'll be ok.<p>((((((((((((((((((LetSTry)))))))))))))))<p>[H]<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I cannot be solely responcible for your recovery my love. However, you are most welcome for the support I give. As you are well deserving and well worth it. Know that I thank you for your loving support of me as well.<hr></blockquote><p>You are not solely responsible for my recovery. You contribute to it, but it is I who is responsible.<p>All
I Love this man!!<p>[H]
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>We were never "Normal" [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <hr></blockquote><p>Good point, but that's the best word I could come up with so [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>[H]
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Someone please fix my computer <hr></blockquote><p>The hard drive has been delivered!<p>SinkingFast
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I am so glad to hear that things are going so well. I wish I could say the same. <hr></blockquote><p>I have not seen your update. Things are not going well for you? <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I will continue to fight for what I believe in and remember the hope that you have past on to me.<hr></blockquote><p>Now this is what I love to hear! Keep it up and remember you will be ok.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>[H] said to Orchid:
So please keep in touch with us, and let someone (Knewjie, or Me) know how things in sunny CA are going.<hr></blockquote><p>I second that one! Lady, I need details!!!!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>[H] said to Orchid:
P.s. Give us a call, send emails, fedex cookies... Either of those would be fine. <hr></blockquote><p>I double second that one! COOKIES!!!<p>Well all, this turned out to be a mini novel. Oops! Thanks again for everything!<p>K/DSN/LostNco
[H]'s wife [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ April 02, 2002: Message edited by: Knewjie ]</p>

<p>[ May 27, 2002: Message edited by: jdmac1 ]</p>

Knewjie, <p>You asked if things were not going well? <p>For me things are OK; for the marriage, only time will tell. I am ashamed to say that the first eight months after d-day I managed to be a complete failure at both Plan A and Plan B. I could not do a good Plan A because I was depressed but too stubborn to admit it and get help right away. Steve H. noticed what a hard time I was having and told me that I needed to be in Plan B. Until my last session with Steve (last week) I looked back at last May - November and thought that I did a fairly good job of maintaining no contact with WH during Plan B. Well Steve asked me how long exactly I went without talking to WH. I looked in my planner from last year (I wrote down every phone call and visit) and from the end of May until the middle of November we talked on the phone over 20 times and met at least three times that I wrote down. Wow, what a mess I was. I swore that we only talked 2 or 3 times. The longest we went with no contact was 7 weeks. <p>Fortunately, somewhere during this time I started to heal. I lost 85 pounds, got a new attitude and worked on all the things that I knew I needed to fix with me. In November, WH wanted to spend time together to see how he felt about me. The only problem with that was that OW was still very much in the picture. Steve said that since I did not really have a Plan A that I could come out of Plan B and let WH see first hand the changes that I had made over the past 8 months. He did tell me up front that he would send me back to Plan B as soon as he felt WH had seen enough to recognize the changes and when he felt WH was getting too comfortable with having both OP and myself in the picture. <p>As of 3/23 I am back in Plan B. Only time will tell if Plan B works for the marriage, but this process has worked for me. I am a better person and I will be OK regardless of the outcome. <p>I have so many here to thank for how I feel about me and you and [H] are definately two people who have inspired my to keep fighting for what I think is right. Thank you so much for being here.<p>Sinking

Cali, JD and SF! I'm a little, ok a lot [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] , late in responding. <p>Cali<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Actually, tests are better given on a Thursday due to the high absence rate on Fridays ...<hr></blockquote><p>Hmmm, it's Thursday. Where's the test!? [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] Just kidding.<p>Wow, what an update!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>and I am going to trust God... I can't fix my H... or even help him fix himself, that is what I am learning... I can only pray for him and love him... <hr></blockquote><p>You got it girl!!! Keep it up and remember "Keep the Faith!"<p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Hugs to you both... <hr></blockquote><p>Many, many, many, many hugs to you too!!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>***edited for spelling not content***<hr></blockquote><p>There's that teacher in you crying out!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>JD<p>What can I say. Wow. Now that I have that out dated update, can I get another one? Have you ended your EA?<p>Many prayers coming your way.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>You two are great. I am so happy for what you both became in order to get through all this. Wishing you many many happy years together.<hr></blockquote><p>Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wish you many happy years to come also.<p>SF<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>For me things are OK; for the marriage, only time will tell.<hr></blockquote><p>The first part is wonderful to hear! As for the marriage, you're so right. Only time will tell.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I am ashamed to say that the first eight months after d-day I managed to be a complete failure at both Plan A and Plan B. I could not do a good Plan A because I was depressed but too stubborn to admit it and get help right away. <hr></blockquote><p>Do NOT be ashamed!!!! Everyone is different. Discovery is so hard and everyone reacts different. Again, don't be ashamed. You and your situation are unique, hence<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Steve H. noticed what a hard time I was having and told me that I needed to be in Plan B.<hr></blockquote><p>Steve and Jennifer are just WONDERFUL! I'm so thankful that I was able to cousel with Jennifer and I'm glad you are counseling with Steve.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Fortunately, somewhere during this time I started to heal. I lost 85 pounds, got a new attitude and worked on all the things that I knew I needed to fix with me.<hr></blockquote><p>Good deal!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>As of 3/23 I am back in Plan B. Only time will tell if Plan B works for the marriage, but this process has worked for me. I am a better person and I will be OK regardless of the outcome. <hr></blockquote><p>MB really does work and I am grinning ear to ear to see that you have and will continue to survive and thrive!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I have so many here to thank for how I feel about me and you and [H] are definately two people who have inspired my to keep fighting for what I think is right. Thank you so much for being here.<hr></blockquote><p>Awwwww. You brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for your kind words.<p>Take care SF and keep taking care of you!<p>All<p>No words will ever be enough to thank you for everything or to let you know how much you mean to me.<p>Lord,
Thank you for the blessing of all the wonderful people at MB. Please lift the MB warriors and their spouses and SO's up if they feel weak. Keep their guardian angels extra close and make sure that he lets them know he is there. Bless them with a clear mind and calm heart. Bless them with the strength and Godly words. Hold them close Lord as I know you will. Take care of them and guide them according to Your plan.<p>In your name I pray,
Amen<p>(((HUGS))) to all of you.<p>K/DSN/LostNco
[H]'s wife [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Thank you for that prayer, Knewjie. I really needed it this evening. I read it three times.<p>God Bless you and [H].<p>Lv,
Jo

Knewjie and [H],<p>I've been wondering about the two of you. It's been a while since you've been around. Glad to hear that you are still doing well.<p>STL and I are doing well too.. recovery is good and strong. Our 1 year anniversary of d-day was last month....