Hello Anna, Thank you for replying. You registered so much later than me yet you have been a busy posted! I do much more reading than I do posting simply because I'm not always sure I can help others or even articulate my emotions well enough.<p>I have a come a long way but not nearly far enough. The road is still long but I don't fear it as much I used to...<p>Thank-you for your insight. I wish you well.

Terrified, you didn't tell your WH you were going to change the locks, is this legal, or do you need a paper from your lawyer or what? Thought about what you said, and am comtemplating the same issue. If WH wants to be separated, then he by darn should be out of this house for good. <p>Isn't this just the pits. Those WS are so rude, unloving, and don't give a bit about their family or wife. I know, I feel it every day!<p>You are doing what you need to do. Keep it up and will pray for you.

Hi Thinker, My prayers are with you and SNL. I didn't tell my H I was changing the locks and no, I'm not sure it's legal but then again, is an affair "legal"? <p>When I talked to a lawyer back in Dec/Jan, he did tell me that if my H's name was on the mortgage agreement, I could be forced to give H a key. Then again, that would mean SOMEONE would have to go to a lawyer and serve me with papers. And that would mean that he would have to tell the lawyer that he left his wife AND a two-year old without notice to move into an apartment so that he could continue his EA with the overseas OW. <p>So until then, I will wait to see what unfolds. <p>Thanks for your thoughts.

HI T, I really think... it is what letting go is about... you may need more routined visits... but I don't have those either... I kind of prefer the later because actually I have kids most of the time... and he usually as long as I ok and it is not conflitting esp. with 4th graders plans... it is awful... but truly letting go is what they wanted... now let them see what it is really like... the ow's in their life... must of been because we did not meet their needs,... well, I agree I did not meet all of them... but neither did H... but he chose to cheat and leave... so his choice... now let them see is it bettr out there in the world without us... maybe , probably not... both of these men... your h and mine... by their anger show their connection to us still... no connection... no anger... or at least maturity.... can still have connection without cruelty... that should be us, hopefully.... <p>I think when your h volunteers info about himself fine... do not ask... very very good... but what about...the garage door.. can you unplug it while you figure out the code.. make that a priority.. you haven't done the job yet if he can still get in the garage... you know that... but I unplugged mine for a whil e... until I got his remote... or was assured he did not have it... <p>H

Hello Honey, You're right...I haven't completed the job of locking him out completely. I'm working on it. <p>And strangely enough, I feel better today than last week. It's because I didn't see him in the house playing dad and husband. I wasn't reminded of what I don't have anymore. I realized that right now, he doesn't want me. Doesn't love me. Loves someone else. Can't live in the past. <p>I have to let him be "happy" without me. The psychic's stern warnings that I MUST detach eerily convinced me that I have no choice. It's her voice that I now have in my head. <p>Thanks for thinking of me Honey. We'll make it through. Maybe one day, we'll truly laugh about it.

T -- <p>You sound strong. Way to go!<p>His anger was totally expected. Hmmmm sounds like he found a way around it with the garage door. Does he have a remote in his car? Did he come into your home without you being there? Guess that is the next thing to address.<p>I hadn't thought about how hard it was on you to have him playing daddy right in front of you. It sounds like its way healthier for you to have these boundries! I really think this will help you detach.<p>Keep reading the 180 list!

Lex, Good to hear from you. I'm trying to stay on course this time. I also have copies of your posts in my purse.<p>Perhaps one day I'll have the opportunity to meet you, one of the very important MB'ers in my life, who has stuck by me and helped to hammer the hard truth into me. <p>Maybe then, we'll both be happier. Right now, I'm not happy but more peaceful.

Just a quick update...H was here when I came home. I "acted if" I was surprised since they're supposed to be home by 7:00 p.m. on Mondays. Came through the garage door...have to continue to work on that. Tuesday is swimming for D so I said I will go and watch before my golf lesson. He said, "Sure...if you want to change her too, that's okay." Gag. He's just SO charitable, don't you think? Don't worry, these were just my thoughts. <p>Since my golf lesson goes from 7:00 to 8:00, I once again suggested that D sleep at MIL's with H. H seemed happy enough about that. H leaves. I preoccupy myself with D and appear not to notice. Nicely wave goodbye. Seconds later, H calls about how I transferred money into joint, how he doesn't have access, how come I do, etc. etc. and wow, he always said he didn't care about my money. Gag #2. Anyway, I didn't react negatively. I reminded him nicely that I don't have access to our savings or to our line of credit. He reminded me that I won't have access to either until I put my bonus money into OUR savings. I quickly said that I don't want to talk about it. No anger. No raised voices. Said goodbye and hung up.<p>At about 9:30, H's co-worker leaves a message re:some analysis she's working on and would appreciate if he could call her with info tonight. Guess ALL coworkers don't know...I call H (I probably shouldn't have) and tell him who called. He then says, "If you'd prefer it, I can bring D home after swimming and watch her there until you get home." Another charitable act on H's part...gag #3...I reply that it's okay. It's my turn to say that I'll have to get used to it. <p>H then says good night. <p>I made it through so far without LB's. That psychic has put a spell on my behaviour, I think. <p>Sweet dreams to all of you.

T-<p>You sound so much stronger! I'm impressed.
Most garage doors can be reprogrammed by flipping a few little "switches" inside the motor area. Do you still have your manual? Maybe you can call the 800 number. Also, why not lock the door from the garage to the house?

Terrified,
Good job last night. Good communication, consideration, compromise, no lbs, stated your position on current finances, didn't get caught in "but I, but you". Wow.<p>And, why was he trying to access that account? Or would that be a regular thing that he'd happen upon?<p>Anyway, I'm proud of you. You kept your wits about you and your H sounds just a little puzzled [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .

T- So glad you are being stronger... I am happy for you... work on that garage door... be prepared.. he migt start saying he just hates your house... et c.. if he ccan't have access...like he hates you... ! not that he sd hate... but since he can't control you he is mad... <p>be careful... I am sure being completely locked out will spur more threats and angaer... please do it... unplug it and park outside if you have to... that is what I did... very simple to unplug... probably? mine was... good luck... H [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

IMO -- his entering your house through the garage is a form of disrespect.<p>He obviously knows that your wishes are to maintain your privacy and security. For him to disregard your wishes is telling you that your wishes don't matter to him.<p>Changing the code is a matter of flipping some switches. But you probably do need the instructions to do it. Maybe the instructions are printed on the unit? Or unplugging it like Honey said is a good short term solution.<p>I was laughing when he offered to let you change her for swimming lessons! I was wondering about how a single dad might handle that little dilemma! <p>Sounds like you were totally cool! Way to go!<p>I'm not real clear on how you've got your money split. You have a joint checking, but savings is only in his name? And I know you have your own new accounts. Why is the savings only in his name? Sounds like he may want to use that to play some games with you. Which is totally contradictory to his wanting out and wanting you to accept it! HEEE HEEE HEEE.

Lor, Thanks for the encouragement. Keep checking up on me. I'm trying to stay the course but today, I feel like I miss talking to him. Really haven't done ANY talking unless it's about D or her progress. I guess my perserverance is the real test.<p>Honey, Thanks for your support and cheer. I'll keep trying to do something about the garage door access.<p>Lex, Funny you mention the savings account. We had a joint chequing and savings account. I just never had access to the savings account because HE managed it for US. This is the account that I had asked him to access so that I could take MY half. And yes, this is the trump card he keeps playing. Told me yesterday that I'd never get access until...and I didn't let him finish.<p>I now have MY own chequing AND savings. I deposited my bonus cheque into my savings and this is what he's disputing...oh well. Wish me luck with swimming tonight.

Terrified, so glad that you are finally seeing the games your WH is playing. You are so CORRECT, he is using the money accounts to start yet another HEATED ARGUEMENT! Glad you didn't bite into it, he will most likely try another tactic to get a REACTION out of you. Play it cool as you have been, he will reach rock bottom soon enough!

Dear Trying...THANKS! They are games and I have been so STUPID. Right now, I'm mad at myself. Just got off the phone with my mother. She told me how my H called her at Easter and told her that the only reason that I still want him back AFTER he has betrayed me with another woman is because I am a failure. And he was so angry that I threatened to tell his parents...<p>Wow, how could he say that to my mother??? I can't stand him right now. Honestly.

In reference to the bank accounts that you have no access to (well, even to the joint account you DO have access to)... do you have copies of the bank statements? If not, can you get some? I wouldn't want to see your H pull some 'crap' and take out YOUR half of the money and suddenly claim ignorance to its existance. That would be a VERY typical WS move. Remember: Protect yourself! (and your D of course! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ).<p>You are sounding much stronger. I like Honey's idea to see if the garage door opener will simply unplug. How easy is that!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Sometimes we can make such a big deal out of things that can be solved so easily. At least just turning the opener off and parking outside would be a smart move for now. The weather is finally getting warmer around here (thank goodness, eh? grin), so it shouldn't be too bad.<p>You are right in that perserverence is the key to your Plan A. Time. Patience. CONSISTENCY!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] One day at a time (or hour or minute on some days - [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ). You're doing just great. We can ALL see your increased strength in your posts. I would bet that your H is seeing it just as clearly. Keep your guard up - he's not going to like your new found independance, and will try to lash out to hurt you somehow, some way.<p>Karen

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Terrified:
<strong>. She told me how my H called her at Easter and told her that the only reason that I still want him back AFTER he has betrayed me with another woman is because I am a failure. .</strong><hr></blockquote><p>MEGA slip up number one for the WS. He's starting to fall. Can you see it?<p>I LOVE it how he probably assumed that your mum already knew why you two separated. This is great!! If your mum decides to 'share' this info, the onus is off of your shoulders!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Granted, your H would find a way to blame you anyways, even though it was HIM who told her. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> H is not remorseful. H is angry. <hr></blockquote><p>This is really an interesting part of your story. Anger is a fascinating emotion. It is almost always a secondary emotion ... brought on by a different emotion that has been denied or overlooked. The primary emotion preceeding anger is often something like shame, or embarrasment, or a sense of having been violated or cheated out of something one thought one was entitled to. Or, feeling out of control. Or wounded pride.<p>Just as an exercise for you to step back, away from your husbands anger ... can you imagine what the underlying primary emotion might be that propells your husbands anger? I think he might feel cheated about something. (?) Sometimes, when I'm dealing with an angry patient, I'll ask the angry person: "What is hurting you right now?" ... occasionally that question will *pop* them out of their anger and realize what the emotion underneath the anger is all about.<p>Don't focus on his anger... and do not own responsibility of his anger ... although he's trying to shove that anger into your face: "Look what you MADE me do!!!" ......... naw, don't buy that bag'o'horsecrap!<p>If you stay calm, and avoid ownership of his anger ... YOU retain your personal power (not to mention your dignity).<p>I admire your growth. Keep yourself healthy and strong. Respect yourself for how far you've traveled! Compliment yourself on your progress.<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ April 09, 2002: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</p>

Very interesting that he thinks you're a failure for taking him back. Personally I think it shows low self-esteem for himself. And he's transfering it to you. I think it does show that his underlying emotions are self-directed (guilt, shame, low self-esteem, loss of morals, no self-respect). And I think he's transfering them to you -- because you're an easy target.<p>He's showing no respect for you -- because he has no respect for himself -- so if you love him, then your judgement must be bad.<p>Stay strong T -- do you notice again his reactions to your strength? <p>Ok -- Joint savings account???? Get the number and go take your half! NOW. Just because he's been the one to manage it doesn't mean you don't have the right or access to it. Most banks can help you as long as you can identify yourself.
That will be another wake-up for him. Can't hold that one over your head any longer. Plus you really can't trust him right now. <p>You make a great living.
You have a beautiful little girl.
You have a nice home.
You have friends and family.
You are a great mommy.
You are a beautiful woman!
You are a loving wife.
You are a good, caring, person.<p>You have SOOOO much going for you. Your H should be grateful for every minute of your time, he should be thankful a person like you sticks by him.<p>Let him fall. All the way down. Tell his family.

Hi T, good luck at swimming, I am on the way to ICounseling.... for an appointment... today , I am going to work on ME... and not just talk about WS... WOW... what an improvement... <p>Take care of you too, it works better this way doesn't it? Keep being strong... I am cheering you on in houston, TX!<p>Honey