Hi Topie, Hope you're feeling better...just wanted to clarify that my mother knows the truth of the affair. She's one of three along with my sister and my best friend. HIS family doesn't know. I'm just disappointed that he's so disrespectful of my mother but even more hurt that my mother didn't stop him. I'm still working on the garage door...<p>Hi Pepper, How very perceptive of you and an interesting analogy for me to consider. Yes, my H definitely feels cheated of things that I didn't give him as his wife...things of which I unconsciously deprived him and things to which he was definitely entitled. It's just that we never confronted the issues together...we were happy and in love. If he was feeling cheated, he never told me. Of course, I should have known. I now admit to and am working on my failures. I've asked both God and my H for forgiveness. I can no longer look back on things I cannot change. However, can my H move away from his anger? If he feels cheated or deprived, does that give him the right to move forward with his anger? <p>Hello Lex, He has never appeared to suffer self esteem issues. Has always come across very confident. If he thinks I'm a failure, I cannot change his viewpoint. So be it. I'm a failure. Let's move on...he doesn't have to worry about it but he definitely has NO respect for me. <p>I did go to the bank and I cannot touch the money unless H comes in with me and makes it joint. And of course, H will not agree to it. He seems even more adamant that he will not let me touch this money. Thank-you for all your kind words. <p>Lex, I'm scared to tell his family. He will kill either me or himself. <p>Tonight's update...went to D's swimming lesson. H seemed ok in the water. Amicable enough...then we go to the change room. He starts complaining that D started screaming. H kept saying that D was good "last week" when I wasn't there. I now know that what changed his mood was that when I first saw him, I noticed a blotch on his nose and forehead. I asked him if he had bumped into something. He immediately became angry...said they were just his normal random breakout. Well, you have to understand that he's so sensitive about his skin...makes him insecure...but quite honestly, I didn't make the comment to make him feel badly. I truthfully thought he bumped into a wall. Anyway, from then on, one criticsm after the other...put too many bathing suits in the bag, there wasn't enough shampoo in the container, didn't put the change of clothes in the swim bag, put too many swim diapers in the bag, etc. etc. He became angrier by the minute and I did not react to one of his comments. Cross my heart.<p>Thanks for all your support.

Wow, I am so impressed! Great job, T. And you just let the criticism roll offf your back, right?<p>(The more you ignore, the more ridiculous the criticism gets, the more the comments are so ridiculous they are EASY to ignore...)
I wouldn't ask about the money any more. Just go your own way...<p>I figure, if my WH takes it all, fine, he will know what a cad he is, and I can earn more, and my parents will help out if I need them to.<p>Keep it up, you are doing great!

Hi again T, sorry to hear H has criticism majorly turned on... but he is using it as a mask to cover his guilt... I actually think h is angry he does not have you right now.... funny way to think.. huh? I am sure you are right... h is angry you were not from the wife to order catalog... but.. .anyway... remember HE is part of this equation and what is wrong with the marriage... 50% , right, do not forget... that... i start beating meyself up & it is an awful thing to do to oneself... I start feeling so bad about my part in the problems.. and it just eats me up... I know I was not the perfect wife.. and some lonely sl++ came along trying to woo my H... sad but true... OUr h's do not look at their part... and they know it deep down what they are doing... you are doing so good... he is going to fall sooner the better you do in letting all of his meanie behavior roll off of your back, good girl! You know if he was happy wit h you "in love", those extra bathing suits and swim diapers would be one of those good wife and mommy things you did... sad sad sad that he does not see how silly he is being... <p>My h actually came to older son's baseball game yesterday.. not as involved... due to age of kids.. .and that h is just too embarrased to come, as my parents come to the games... he asked first if my parents were there... they weren't ... so he came.. and when he sat down by me...<p>in front of all the other parents.. he started complaining about things I do that bother him... sweet huh? I ignored it... and changed subject.. he had sd before he came... he would come as long as I did not bring up anything "wierd"... notice he did not even ask if it was ok to sit by me... and he jsut came up and sat by me... like old time... strange.. it felt so good to be next to him... and in this family setting... as we belong.. .together.. he complained about how his parents would not let him play baseball as a kid... etc... and I just sd nice things back to him... to all of his comments.. except ignoring the mean comments directed at me... <p>but anyhow... <p>he is right about some things.. and I am working hard to be a better wife... I want him to see this...<p>CONSISTENCY is KEY... keep it up !<p>Honey

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Terrified:
<strong>Yes, my H definitely feels cheated of things that I didn't give him as his wife...things of which I unconsciously deprived him and things to which he was definitely entitled. It's just that we never confronted the issues together...we were happy and in love. If he was feeling cheated, he never told me. Of course, I should have known. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>OK...jumping in here. This quote jumped out at me from your post. It is a major pet peeve of mine. Since when did we betrayed spouses have to be mind readers???? We can guess at what makes someone else happy all day long but unless that person actually says, 'Honey, I would really love it if you would do ______ for me.', we will never actually hit the target we are striving for.<p>My H and I go round and round about this. He is a lot better than he used to be but he still expects me to just guess when he is in the mood for SF. Umm...duh...if I have had no signals and he just lies there on his side of the bed, I'm guessing he wants to go to sleep. <p>So don't take this resposibility on your shoulders, T. He is responsible for letting you know what his ENs are so you can meet them. <p>You sound 100% stronger than you did a few months back. That's what Plan A is about. Keep up the good work!!! VL

Hi VL, Thanks for your words of encouragement. I know that I failed at two of his top ENS...SF and Admiration/Affection. I never made him feel like he was the most important person in my life. I didn't know that that I wasn't. And of course, I had some sexual issues that I never dealt with or confronted but I was always too embarassed to get help. Now that I have, I realize that I wasted alot of time. My H never complained BUT I never took the initiative. He always told me it was MY problem,not OURS so it was just a little more difficult since I felt alone in resolving my issues.<p>Oh well...that's the past. Failures of the past cannot be changed.<p>Thanks again.

Hi Terrified!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I should have known. <hr></blockquote><p>Well ... how should you have known? ESP? [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] Sounds as if both of you had weak communication skills in the past. (Who didn't? LOL!) We aren't born knowing these things ... we have to learn things, and poor communication skills is something often learned incorrectly by the examples we witnessed growing up with our parents.<p>Again ... don't own responsibility of his anger. He has to learn what's hurting him.<p>Start where you are. Take inventory of YOUR strengths, and build upon them. If you see something in your behaviour or your thinking that is no longer useful or healthy (to YOU)... recognize it, and then make the appropriate change.<p>Here's a story:<p>A man goes to the pet store to buy a dog. The dogs he looks at are all cute. But, this one little beagle with soft brown eyes and a *happy tail wagging* is just so darn loveable. He buys the beagle, and takes her home and loves her. After awhile, the man gets disappointed little by little because the beagle is not more of a watch dog. Once his home was burglarized, and the beagle did not even bark! She probably licked the burglar's hand and wagged her friendly tail as the bad guys walked off with all the loot. Pretty soon he was yelling at the beagle. "If you were a doberman this robbery wouldn't have happened! BAD DOG!" ........<p>Was the beagle responsible for her owner's anger?<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Pepper, Thanks for keeping up. One question...how does H ever "learn" what's hurting him if he so strongly believes that it's me and my inability to meet his needs?

I'm not going to answer your question because it is outward-directed. You have no power over how, where, when, or if you husband learns anything about himself.<p>Ask more inward-focused questions, such as:<p>What are Terrified's strengths. How can Terrified start where she is and build upon those strengths? ...... ???<p>Warm regards!<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Okay, you got me. I'm learning...but do I focus on strengths that will meet his needs or do I just stop worrying about his needs until he comes to me to meet them?

One question...how does H ever "learn" what's hurting him if he so strongly believes that it's me and my inability to meet his needs?
--------------------<p>I can answer that one. It's quite simple. T goes on with her life focusing on herself and her daughter and H is given no choice but to own what is all his doing and experience the natural consequences of what he's chosen to make of his life. In living the natural consequences of his behavior he'll "learn" from it. In not having you available to project his feelings onto (by pushing your buttons and getting a reaction out of you) he'll "learn" it's all about him.
You're getting stronger T. Forget about him for now, you don't want the man he's become. Give him the room he needs to figure it all out by removing yourself as his scapegoat and working on yourself to make your life as wonderful as it can be with or without him.

thanks for the questions and the answers posted pepper and motherboard... great ! I too, wonder how h is going to ever figure it out... but the more he is alone.. the better reality will hit him that all problems in life are not ME! WOW! what a concept, and that it will be hard to find someone like me to do all those good things i did do... yes... I too,made lots of mistakes... we all do... that is no reason to run off with another woman.. your h has his own issues to work... and by working on yourself and your issues.. you will get better.<p>the gold is excellent.. so is taking care of d, with swimming lessons.. etc.. you work and take care of your home... all more good.... your h will have to realize that YOU are not that ONE THING in his LIFE that he had to run from... sure he needed more... you did too, and you were BOTH driving each other away... don't be like me .and start feeling so bad... about all of your mistakes.. he owns 50% of what is wrong.. here! right? I know it is hard... I just wish I could of been a perfect wife.<p>H

T<p>I've been gone for awhile but decided to see how people were doing when I came apon this Thread.<p>Wow!!!! have you made progress!!!!!
If you don't believe it, go back and reread some of your old threads. You have come a long way.<p>Mthrrhbard: you are so right about working on taking yourself out of the way so that the anger has to be focused elswhere. My D used her anger toward me to fule the fire for her A with MM. Through reading here on MB I became aware of this. Even though I'm the Mom, not the BS, the concept is the same. Once I realized this, I became VERY motived to remove myself from any temptation that would HELP her "feel justified". I used a SCRIPT to keep me from being "set up". The only responses I was alowed to have with her were: Oh, well, hmm, really, I'm so sorryall said sincerely with NO sarcasam.<p>This has helped me to get out of her life and let the natural consequences take hold. I believe she has a single boyfriend!!!!!!!<p>It has helped me more that you could know. And mthrrhbard--so have you. I've read almost all of your posts. You have a lot of wisdom to offer, what a gift.

I completely agree with Mthrrhbard's response!!!<p>When you become more fully "differentiated" (that means recognizing who you are, and who you NOW choose to become, independent of his opinion) ... your husband will have no reason to direct his anger at you ... because you have stepped away from the dance of anger!<p>Do not engage. Rise above. Look at your strengths ......>tapping my nails on the desk< (I am patiently waiting for you to talk about YOUR strengths!!!! .... how much longer are you going to make me wait????) [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Great words of wisdom that I've received and support...I really haven't noticed any changes in myself so it's surprising to "hear" it in so many replies!<p>Hi MB, That's exactly what I'm trying to do...I'm definitely in focus change mode. Try not to even wonder anymore about where he is, what he is doing...just feels like he's on vacation or I'm trying to think that way for now UNTIL the other shoe drops, I guess! Sometimes it just feels as if I don't love him anymore. If you refocus your energies on something else, it's as if this horrible stranger doesn't fit into the picture. Is that the way it is?<p>Honey, WE can do this. Don't second guess, ok? And if you need to, never in front of our dreaded H's! Thanks for checking in.<p>Hi GT, Thanks for your encouragement. Happy to hear about your daughter's awakening.<p>Okay Pepper, It's as if you knew I was avoiding this. Kind of hard for me to list STRENGTHS. Here it goes (why do I feel "vain"):
i)Honest
ii)Possess good sense of moral and values
iii)Love people
iv)Positive minded...see the glass as half full
v)Love cooking and entertaining
vi)Fairly intelligent (academically)
vii)Professionally successful (and ambitious)
viii)Compassionate
ix)My most important strength...my daughter.<p>Okay...I did it. <p>Thank-you to all for your replies.

Imagine your daughter when she is about 20 years old .... and you ask her to make a list of HER strengths .... would you consider her vain for doing so? I bet you hope she could name one hundred strengths she recognizes in herself! Now, model for her the strengths you wish her to have as an adult .... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Does that make it easier for you?<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi T, I love your strenghs and I am a definite on continuing to check in on you... your strengh and battles are an inspiration... easier to see in someone's else's life what we should do right?<p>I know you are highly intelligent and kind and good hearted just from reading your post...you are also very forgiving, what a wonderful trait!<p>Anyway, yes, at times... to me too... it feels... that H does not even fit in... my life is getting more normal without him... sad for him... it will be a major adjustment to have him back... and I do need some time with not much contact.../// it is good to regroup...while he faces what he has going on... <p>HOney

Pepper, I definitely want my daughter to grow up with many strengths and be proud of them. Most importantly, I do want to be a role model for her. The ONLY reason I have made it this far is because of her. I wanted to "bail" so many times because I believed I was not worthy. I believed that I was a failure in so many ways. She has given me the strength to persevere. At the very least, she deserves that. Thanks Pepper. <p>Honey, If I inspire anyone right now, I'm surprised. Thank-you for even thinking to write that. I used to be the one helping others and trying to make THEM feel good. People came to me for advice. Now look at me...take it easy Honey. Our H's need us to leave them be.

Hi Mthrrhbard [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] , good to see you post, and it is a good one.<p>Terrified & Honey, I found that once my H couldn't blame me for his troubles, and they continued...it was a major step. And also being differentiated from him, when we decided to reconcile the last time, we came back as equal partners. The other separations either I was desperate, or he was fence sitting and just happened to fall on my side of the fence.<p>Knowing that you will survive and thrive, even if your future doesn't include your H is a postition of strength, as hard as it is to get to.

Lor, Thank-you for replying. Just wondering, whenever you were separated, did you feel distanced? Did you feel as if he really didn't exist in your life anymore? Did you feel as if you knew nothing about him and his whereabouts, his interests, his life?

Lor, Thank-you for replying. Just wondering, whenever you were separated, did you feel distanced? Did you feel as if he really didn't exist in your life anymore? Did you feel as if you knew nothing about him and his whereabouts, his interests, his life?