Not only were my needs not met for over a decade, but all my attempts to tell him about them and how they were not being met resulted in attacks and punishments for even daring to have the needs in the first place. I had no right to have the needs I had, much less expect him to meet them.<p>Pepperband articulated it best for me. I've been tempted nearly my entire M, and what always stops me to this day is that I can't do it to myself. Even now, when my H "deserves" it and I feel entitled, I just can't cross the line. Feels like I would destroy myself by doing so and never be able to get myself back.<p>[ April 10, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Conqueror:
<strong>Not only were my needs not met for over a decade, but all my attempts to tell him about them and how they were not being met resulted in attacks and punishments for even daring to have the needs in the first place. I had no right to have the needs I had, much less expect him to meet them.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto.<p>Conqueror, what was wrong with us?

My needs were not met either....our life always revolved him, his career, his sex drive, his parents, etc. etc.<p>I had many opportunities to have an affair---but it never seriously was considered.<p>My H. looked for his last affair. It is something he chose to do, knowing full well what kind of devastation it would do to us and our family.<p>He now states that he is happier than he has been in 25 years. He has lost the respect of everyone around here including his kids, our friends and family. He is not currently working, and from what I have heard, the AF is not going to want him back.<p>The last visits he had with his older girls ended up in the girls coming home sobbing. He looks like a mess....But he is happy!!

WAT,<p>LOL at your dittoes! I have no idea what's wrong with us, but it has always been that way. When I share my feelings, I get anger or disgust or whatever because I'm NOT supposed to feel that way.<p>I've tried over and over again to explain essentially Steve Harley's elbow in the nose story: The fact that I feel this way is not an accusation that you hurt me on purpose or even that YOU hurt me at all. I'm just notifying you that I am hurting and requesting that you help me not to hurt and comfort me until I feel better.<p>Our major mutual withdrawal preceding his A resulted from me not grieving in a way of which he approved. His way was to pretend it never happened (just like now in regard to his A) and get on with life as usual. My way was I needed to talk about it, process it, try to understand it, cry about it, things like that, and I needed his help (just like now) in order to do that.<p>I would get blown off because he "didn't want to hear about it". So, thinking I'm relieving him, I find support groups to talk to and process it with, and then he resents that I spend time with them instead of him (just like now). He claims I had an A first with the computer (my source of support). We're going through the same exact thing again, only this time HE'S the perpetrator, so probably even more loathe to talk to me about it than he was as my co-victim. And here I am again seeking empathy and solace from people on the computer since he denies me.<p>Gee, I wonder what will happen next. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

...<p>...nevermind...<p>You either see what I'm trying to say in an adult, non-self-righteous, non-judgemental way...or you don't. Either way it makes no difference to me.<p>Be careful about sitting on your high horse and thinking you'll never cheat...because with that outlook, you're actually more likely to do so.<p>[ April 11, 2002: Message edited by: TowardsTheFuture ]</p>

TTF,<p>Are you talking to me? If so, sounds like you completely misunderstood me.<p>My very point is the vulnerability and how susceptible I am, especially right now when I have no commitment to the R. And I totally agree that assuming you're immune is the most dangerous place to be.<p>Anyway, that's exactly what the final line in my last post is referring to. As he neglects meeting my needs and my boundaries get fuzzier as I get more withdrawn, it is inevitable that there will be others willing to fill the gap. It's the typical Harley-described progression, so it doesn't take a genius to predict what will happen next. Whether I succumb or not remains to be seen and depends on whether my intellect is in charge or my emotions. Being wanted is a powerful drug, no doubt about that. The pull is tremendous.<p>[ April 12, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>