Hi, just seen solicitor wants me to accept pension deal my H is offering with a few minor tweaks to maintenance( he is being quite generous she thinks) BUT it will only apply on a D which I DO NOT WANT altho obviously this is what He is working towards without actually asking me for one.
He has been gone 20 mths living with OW 14mths, very little contact, brief note with mthly cheques. No contact with his 3 children other than new ph. number and new address well over 18mths ago- wrote him a sort of plan B letter, as will be our 30th anniversary this yr. and told him I still loved him and hoped when he ended his affair (is it still classed as an affair if living tog all this time/)he felt able to come home. He replied with thankyou for letter, missed his kids, felt for me as abviously I was still low!!!!!!!!!!!(what an understatment)but he had a new life and was fine.
I now have to sell my home and find a new one- so very low no self esteem as his Mum and sister+family support him, by lunching with H and OW 4 wks after she moved in-good christian people can,t judge or take sides (except they did-I have had several spells in hospital and A/E since I found out about all this and not once have they written or ph my kids to offer help) My children and I could not cope with this disloyalty and said so- so we have no contact with them, dispite the fact they were my only family. I feel maybe I am a wicked evil person and just hadn,t realised it So to get back to the point do I save myself financially so that at least my kids will have something eventually- or do I make him wait another 3 1/2 yrs when He can D me without my consent? Solicitor says D for adultery and Desertion!I have a small part time job but no pension, always stayed home with my kids altho they are grown up and gone now.
I am so lonely and frightened have coped v badly since he left a complete shock to us all.Don,t know if I will make it ,so by taking the blood money offerred me at least my children will have what should have been theirs. but my heart will not let go. He has been in my life since I was 4yrs old and well . Please give me some guidence I know my marriage that was is over he said he has found a new life and is fine- never told me how to find one tho- has not talked at all about anything just announced he was seeing someone! Need you guys to reply as SOON as Possible due to time diff. Thanks.Pray for us all as well,I am so empty that well ...Naej.xx<p>[ April 15, 2002: Message edited by: naej ]</p>

naej,<p>Regardless what you did in the past ... you can't change the past and even you can not change the present. There is no excuse for adultery while you are still marriage, no but no if, during old time they will stone to death OW & your H !!!. Thanks to His son, there is a gift of salvation if H sin no more. My point is you probably had created the environment but H walked and made the decision to have adultery.<p>It is a loss for everybody, a loss for you, your kids and actually to your H. Many years from now there will be justice, if it is not in this world it will when H face the Lord. What you could do is change your future. You have given your best, your kids will not fault you, they probably even be happier to see you move on with your life and seek happiness.<p>You can not change H and save your marriage but you could do is learn from the past to help you to be a better person. Learn hard about MB to protect and care your relationship w/ your kids and hope down the road you might find a suitable mate. IMVHO. You have to protect yourself financially and give what belong to your kids and yourself. Those are your and your kids according to the law, not your blood money. No one will fault you and you have seen H intentions. My WW served me last month. I greive but she shut her own door. I am trying to protect my 2 D and my self financially and legally. I am ready to brace the world w/ or w/o my WW ... the Lord is my shepard, I fear no evil and I know HE will provide for me as always. My WW is still in the fog, she didn't know what kind of man OM is or stupid enough not to care. Right now the best for me and my 2 D is Dv ... down the road is different story. I think for you is the same, there are some MB'er that remarried their exSO. You don't know if OW is after your H financial only !!!. my WW's OM is !!!.<p>There is time for everything, this is not the time to follow your heart. Think of it as triage, you can not save your H, you can not save your M, you could save your self and your kids and protect your future. -RH-

bump ^^

Naej ... are you still there ???. Bump ^^^

Hello Naej,<p>I am concerned about you. Your stress level is so high. If you stay at this stress level for the three-plus years that it would take for the contested D to be final, could you survive that? Is it worth it for your emotional health to get WH out of your life? You will hurt if you agree to the D, but you are hurting terribly now. If you decide not to D, you will be in emotional limbo for three more years, then have to face the D. If you D now, then three years from now, you will be three years down the road to healing.<p>What an agonizing postion you are in. Please consider the choice that is healthiest for you. Is holding on to the M just holding on to the pain? Write back.<p>Thinking of you,
Estes

Yes still here- Very quick reply, looking after neighbours dog so two to walk and been house hunting as well- will respond later today.
Estes thanks for your reply- doing my usual ostrich impression at present! I am a cancerian so very good at retreating into shell when pain more than I can bare- not the answer I know.
Did send you 2 emails a while ago not sure if you got them,
Thought by holding out on D more time for H to come out of his MLC? Even in darkest hour I still have a glimmer of hope.
You are right Red Hat my kids would be so pleased if I just threw in the towel on my marriage and started again. Where do you get new lives from???
Yes I make it myself. right now no me to make anything,So many strong people on this Board wish I cud be like them. Naej

naej,<p>Pain is given but misery is optional. Do what if scenario. What is best for you and your kids. 3 years is a long time ... you could go and travel the world. Maybe visiting California [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] or live closer to your kids. -RH-

Dear Red Hat do u see me winning the lottery then? don,t think I could cross the Pond even IF I cud afford it- as to living nearer kids they are flung opposites of country, one is fairly near, but have this fear of living my "life" thro them. Can,t be a burden great fear of mine. Since they were v small I have encouraged them to be independant to overflow with self confidence and self worth (as you see not my strong point-so had to make sure they had it) and they are great so good to me especially my D at listening and I feel she understands me best, my sons are great too but have had the ability to just move on and shut their minds to Father who left them for a barmaid they knew. They suffered such shame and humiliation at the time, not sure if they will ever forgive him or have a relationship of any sort with him again 22/23yrs is hard age to be when this happens maybe if they had been much younger it wudn,t hve been so bad. So I guess I don,t want to be too near to them that they have to see me hurting even when I put on the I am fine routine (so much easier to do over the phone than in person) and if I am not fine well thats what an answerphone is for!
I will get there just seems to be taking me so much longer than most. I lost my faith for a while but am getting that back. Lord I beleive help thou my unbelief.
Glad you still remember me and as always value your comments guess I just got to get past the 30th anniv. before I make decision, or H makes it for me but I have a strong feeling he will not-cannot. So unless OW starts pushing for M it will have to be my decision. (can,t see W....e doing that IT has far more cunning than I gave IT credit for but then has had lots of experience.
Estes hope your son is hanging in there- he has you! Made a appoint to see my Dr. next week unfort. not the one who has dealt with me all along she left to have baby so feel v, aprehensive and somewhat down about that- takes me along time to open up to people guess I am just too English!!Always been a private person and find it so hard to say how I am.
Bye for now Naej

Hi naej,<p>Yes I got your emails. Did you get my replies?? I replied to each one. Boy, I hope your got them or you must think I am horribly rude and uncaring.
Let me know if you did not get them and we will figure out a way to communicate. I use regular email through AOL and just clicked REPLY to yours.<p>BTW, I have a recent post on S's situation. M is lousy. S and GS are OK considering. Thursday, S and DIL have a M counseling session. Based on what happens there, he may tell her that he wants her to proceed with the D she filed last April since she has held it over his head for a year now and is not even close to wanting to live as his W.<p>Time will tell. He is out of love with her since she continues to make withdrawals from her LB with him, and he will not wait indefinitely for her to commit to a plan (as recommended by Dr. Harley) to restore the love between them. If she wo't commit to a plan tomorrow at MC, he plans to ask her to call her lawyer and go for the D. <p>Let me know if you didn't get my email replies. I hope you didn't think I was uncaring and did not reply!!!<p>Estes

Naej, I just send you an email. 6:15 PM Central Time. If you do not get the email, would you please tell me HERE on your thread? I notice that your address does not have the @ reference at the end. All of ours in the US have to have that. I'll check back here in awhile. I can post my replies to you here if necessary.<p>Estes

Estes, got your email, have replied. 2nd time I have started reply here, lost connection first time- going to be a difficult day as told H he can phone me later, PLEASE keep me in your prayers that I say and do the right thing NO tears or LBing. Guess it will b all financial stuff he always confines our conversations such as they have been the past 16mths to that topic!
Need to feel strong and be upbeat- praying hard for strength and Need all your prayers especially today.
My kids are all away this wk-end so will be completely alone. Will not contact them as they will worry. Love to all my freinds here. N [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

update- H phoned as I predicted all financial talk- no emotion no nothing- Hope I came across as bright and fine--nothing cud be furthur from the truth. wanted so much to text back and say hey this is ME your wife!!!!!Wanted to put money in account that needs both our signatures to draw on it for OUR D's wedding without her knowing that its his money paying towards her wedding!!!!!!! is that guilt or what_??? I had to decline and said our D had been told enuf lies and that it was my responsibily now, did not concern him He had other responsibilities now (ref, to his W,*,re's Daughter who (W*) transferred her Council house to- unmarried mother of 3 same age as our D has a partner
sometimes!)Only comment he made to any of this was that he understood!!!!! So wish I did, any of it- Where do these men go?? Sorry to moan- can,t take it-No point NEVER any answers, Nx just a glimmer lord

ONE MORE DISASTER-
WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF TELLING MY TALE OF WOE, WHEN SMOKE ALARM WENT OFF!!!!! sHORT VERSION- BEDROOM FIRE. ON MY DRESSING TABLE KEEP A CANDLE LIT NEAR PHOTOS ETC OF GUESS WHO & WHEN KIDS LITTLE ETC. ALL GONE NOW + A SMALL OLIVE WOOD CROSS WE BOUGHT IN JERUSELEM (WENT FOR OUR 25TH WEDD ANN)
ITS WHERE I KNEEL IN PRAYER SORT OF SHRINE(WAS)
THINK THE LORD TELLING ME SOMETHING- RANG H, SORTIN OUT INSURANCE ASKED IF OK? DID I NEED SMOKE ASSESSORS- HE WORKS FOR INS/COMP.
NEVER OFFERED TO COME AND I DIDN,T ASK!!!
THATS IT. THATS HOW MUCH HE CARES AFTER 30YRS.
HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A BETTER DAY THAN ME. NAEJ

ONE MORE DISASTER-
WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF TELLING MY TALE OF WOE, WHEN SMOKE ALARM WENT OFF!!!!! sHORT VERSION- BEDROOM FIRE. ON MY DRESSING TABLE KEEP A CANDLE LIT NEAR PHOTOS ETC OF GUESS WHO & WHEN KIDS LITTLE ETC. ALL GONE NOW + A SMALL OLIVE WOOD CROSS WE BOUGHT IN JERUSELEM (WENT FOR OUR 25TH WEDD ANN)
ITS WHERE I KNEEL IN PRAYER SORT OF SHRINE(WAS)
THINK THE LORD TELLING ME SOMETHING- RANG H, SORTIN OUT INSURANCE ASKED IF OK? DID I NEED SMOKE ASSESSORS- HE WORKS FOR INS/COMP.
NEVER OFFERED TO COME AND I DIDN,T ASK!!!
THATS IT. THATS HOW MUCH HE CARES AFTER 30YRS.
HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A BETTER DAY THAN ME. NAEJ [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ April 20, 2002: Message edited by: naej ]</p>

SORRY DOUBLE POSTED BIT SHAKY AT MOMENT-BEST GET BACK TO SCRUBBING-NAEJ

naej,<p>Sorry to hear some of your priceless posessions went up in smoke. Everything happen for a reason, helping you to see what H is at the present ???. My mom always tell me that if you want to hate someone, think always about the bad thing or hurting thing that they did to you ... sooner or later you do not want to be around that person. The opposite is also true, if you want to love someone, think always good time/memories with them ...<p>Take care -RH-

Oh my gosh!<p>I bet you were scared to death. Did you put the fire out by yourself? How long do you think it burned before you noticed it?<p>Estes

Estes- luckily my S was there- wasn,t meant to b,but had turned up nite b4.More upset about my loss of phots etc, than scared. Still lots of cleaning to do. H rang twice more yesterday to check I was ok- tried to sound more cheerful- he did not! asked how his day had been said ok!(glumly)
Told him bout houses I veiwed, asked if he wud look at one of them and he agreed-has offered me help to find new home all along just been stubborn.
Anyone out there whose been in sim sitch to me M 30yrs. H gone almost2yrs. Living with OW little over 1yr and HAS HAD A Sucess story. I must have made ALL the mistakes u can make b4 found MB.+++ a million other mistakes BUT not given up yet- just can,t even tho thought of moving is breaking my heart- just looked out across my back and its soooo beautiful, blossom and fields far as I can see- to go to sm house in sm town will be so hard for me- but I am better off than many.
I have my kids!! must get on with walls and cleaning up!!
PLEASElet me hear some good news! Naej.xxx[B][/B] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

ADVICE NEEDED DESP!!
Do hope some one is out there-
just written letter to H any thoughts does it sound ok etc.
Dear H
I am enclosing the signed papers re the sale of my home.
I am struggling to get the walls in the bedroom clean after the fire, still a mess despite countless washes, should really have been out in the garden this week-end as you can imagine there is just so much too do at this time of year out there. The blossom is out and although there is a lot to do it is so pretty. I always love the spring in this garden. I have had lots of frogspawn this year and as ever the fish have eaten quite a few- do you remember when I put some in the bowl and it ended up on the patio and us frantically trying to scoop them up back into the bowl. It was so hot that day and they were sticking to the patio.
Perhaps if you want the best possible price for our home, it would be worth trying to get it looking at its best, patio and slabs jet washed. Lots of things really that I am just not able to do on my own.
We cannot expect our children to always be helping me out with things, after all it is their home that is being sold and they are quite emotional about that. I thought you might be able to spare some time to help me out.
The fire has set me back quite a bit and as I am having to house hunt as well it is just not possible for me to do it on my own.
There is just so much rubbish to get rid of as well, and the garage is in need of a good clear out.
I hope you are well and enjoyed your weekend.
Love<p>
PS Forgot to tell you one house I looked at had a wonderful railway track and lay-out wandering all around the garden complete with a little seat and platform plus signals. Made me think of Codicote and the garage!!
Well best get this to the post and walk William before returning to my scrubbing.<p>
[img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [EMAIL]Naej6749@icqmail.com

Hello,<p>I think that it is perfectly reasonable to ask H for help getting the house ready for sale. I hope that he will respond positively. BTW, your property sounds so pretty. The part about the fish on the patio was funny - except to the fish. That was a good idea to include pleasant memories from the past.<p>Estes