<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by ThornedRose:
<strong>HH,<p>It sounds like as you are changing inwardly,
maybe spiritual growth on your part?? <p>As far as your wife having sex w/ these two men..
does she not realize internally she has the right to say No?? I mean..from a couple comments you've made about her it sounds as if there may be abuse in her past..and if thats the case..she may not fully understand "SHE" does have that right..(she may have been and not have the complete memories) read the book The Wounded Heart..it is geared more towards sexual abuse..but personally I think it could help in other areas as well..</strong><hr></blockquote>
ThornedRose,
Thanks!
It seems you have some very special insights!
I struggle back and forth with de-tachment kind of strategies - 180 degrees and obsessions -- As I think you perceieve, I have some co-addiciton, as well as co-depenencey issues & I am easily influenced (sometimes too much so in wrong direction) by other people's opinions or what I perceieve as what other people expect -- this is I know an issue with my DW and is perhaps a core thing with SxAdd -- I know that her father is a very controlling, domineering, self-centered & verbally abusive person. I mean other than that, he is a nice guy! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] I have tired to gently ask her about sexual abuse & she only recalls or tells me at least, of one episode when she was around 16 and a nieghbor man,friend of the family, in his 40's at the time briefly fondled her breast. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
From a family history perspective, She also said that she learned not long ago that her mother was sexually abused by her (mother's) brother. My DW's parent's raised her two female cousins (on her dad's side) since they were 13 & 14. They are close to 40 now. They both have had problems with Anerexia & Balemia. One was hosipitalized for anerexia for a couple weeks & another time (30 days) for depression, when her boyfriend broke up with her, with whom she had an A when married, which ended her marriage.<p>This cousin's XH is a very active SxAdd -- he had numerous A's when married to cousin, including an A with my DW's younger Sis, who at the time had just had a child out of wedlock and did not know for sure who the father was. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Now if that is not enough, according the this cousin's sis, when my DW's dad discovered this A between his D & son-in-LAw (more or less -raised cousin), he told them he would keep it a secret, as long as this guy did not have any other A's or would not see anyone else -- more or less promoted continuation!! -- I Can't or I don't want to confirm that one!!! This X is still good friends with my DW's dad (says he does not want to dis-own the father of his two grand kids) and currently this guy openly lives back & forth between his current W & another lady. The two kids move back and forth with there dad between these tow ladies who live in the same school district. This is the cousin my DW hung out with some during time of A's and this is the cousin who eveidently has been with 15 different guys over the last 10 years or so - most of this time she was living with one guy, then another, normally not living alone.
Some Family history, huh!
Her right to say no -- excellant point -- it is really a focal point when she confessed about the second guy & his approach was seemingly very mild in just saying he knew what she & other guy had/were doing -- I asked her a couple times to explain more or if there was any more & she said, No, that was about it -- Do you get a sense why I get a little concerned at times?! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
This concept was a focal point when we were at a bar waiting for a table, two weeks after I took her back & she accepted a drink from a guy next to her. It was a drink evidently given to him by the bar tender & when he asked her, she asked me if I wanted it & I declined & then after she accepted it she could not understand why I got upset about it, she could not understand why I would be upset --
I told her that I was hoping for one time she could just say "NO!" --
I welcome any suggestions as to how I could broach this subject! I just started reading a book about bondaries, perhaps she would benefit -- opps, there I go again, trying to work her program -- she absoulety refuses to read anything about this stuff & it starts a battle!<p>Yes, I pray to my higher power for peace & understanding & my support group helps in this regards -- As I think you perceive, I believe our society is so consumed with such a focus on physical attractiveness & sexuality that it would seem very odd to have such sensativity to deminish this many times very unhealthy focus, that a person with such sensativity quickly seems out of step and weird or controlling or over-sensative -- as you can see with most of the replies I get! To think that I could ask my DW to not wear a bikini to the pool, how absurd of me -- so controling -- I should be proud she has the figure to wear such things. I am proud in a sense and she is a babe, it's just for some weird reason I have this hang up about sharing her with other guys? Just can't get used to the idea. What's up with that?!<p>I was going over in my mind the conversation I plan to have with my DW, about my sensativity to sexually charged or connotative conversations. I would think it would be obvious to her, but she is in deep denial about these issues.<p>I can see that The Horny Goat Weed thing as a gift was a mistake on my part -- my perception at the time was more as a joke among us guys, but obviously it was a public thing -- I frankly did not expect my DW to promote it or carry it on with other guys outside that immediate group of couples. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] The evening of the gift (which again was a different evening & a different set of people than with whom she conversed at the golf course) our host was carrying on with lots of sexually charged jokes & inuendos & my DW was jumping in with lots of laughter and a comment to his W about how funny he was (like he is so cool!) & how could she ever get made him?! -- made me want to puke!
Oh well, another day in the jungle -- one day at a time!
Thanks for your understanding and my prayers are with you in your journeys. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
HH
PS - FYI, I happen to know that my DW was permiscuss before this incedence with the neighbor man.
Also, that drink from a stranger @ the bar scene was a big deal she tried to defend days later. She said that her boss, who is an impassioned, spiritual Christian, said that in that situation her husband would not care. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] Again, my DW is not married to her H -- But I think you can see why I am a little sensative when my DW wants to hang out at the bar scene. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ April 23, 2002: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</p>
