My own hopes for recovery of our M are currently being frustrated by 1) WW wanting me to "get over it", 2) honesty and openness is my #1 EN, but NOT hers (by a long shot), 3) my sense that Cing is more a PITA to my W and a distraction from work than truly any real help, 4) my "healing heart" as Conqueror so eloquently described it, likely closing before my W is back inside. <p>Last week, I truly didn't want to heal before she could come around and join me, but now I wonder if I might be better off? Part of this statement is based on my reaction to her LB last night:<p>Me: When's your next IC? (Knowing it was today, because she said so last week, and for once I remembered!).
Her: Next week, I think.
Me: I thought you had one scheduled for this week.
Her: Oh crap, it's <monday>! I am getting sick of all these stupid counselling appointments! I've got too much to do.<p>Well, I read that as "I'm too busy being selfish to give a flying f*** how you feel or what you need." Granted, she doesn't really feel that way, and I'm overreacting to her LB, but these are the kinds of things that go through my head. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

I realized something else just now, relevant to the BS healing before the WS is willing to work on the M.<p>My W was away on Thurs/Fri last week for work. She goes out for 2-3 days a week for the past year or so. Since D-day, I've called or she's called (usually me) at least once/day just to see how things are. Thursday night, I almost didn't call, just to see if she would. She didn't, so I called about 8:30. Fine talk, no big deal, no LB. I had a good Thurs eve. Friday afternoon, I realized I was not looking forward to seeing her, and stayed about an hour later at work than I really needed to. Weekend went okay, and she had her 2nd IC session today (I haven't talked to her about it yet, though). Our MC wanted her to ask her IC to talk about why she was reluctant to give up OM and commit to M. So, I'm hoping BIG THINGS were discussed, but I'm actually "expecting" nothing fundamental. Why do I feel this way? Am I "looking forward" to having to go to a plan B? I don't think so, but I sometimes wonder, and this week has been strange, mostly within my own thinking processes.<p>Hm...

Faith,<p>I guess I did mistakenly assume that you were responding to what I said, mostly because of the proximity of our posts. I do agree with Dr. Harley on the resentment issue, and I'm one of the ones with a good memory, so it's definitely relevant for me. The point I wanted to make was the difference between legitimate accountability and resentment because sometimes they get confused.<p>I also take issue with even the phraseology of "get over it" because there is no way to truly get over it. We can get THROUGH it hopefully, but I doubt we'll ever get over it as we are able to recover from some diseases, for instance, with complete restoration of wholeness and health. I believe major losses will always leave a hole in our heart. We may patch it up, but the patch itself reveals the extistence of the hole.<p>My son has been dead for 27 years, but thinking of the loss of him still brings tears. As does the loss of my first dream of marriage and family that ended with my first H's infidelity. After that loss, I managed to believe in an alternate dream for me and my children, and now that dream, too, is shattered to pieces. That dream is permanently gone, just like my first M and my first son. I cannot get back a M hallmarked by fidelity from the day it began until death parts us. It's gone forever.<p>He chose to part us before death, and he made that decision without my knowledge or consent. It is a selfish hateful act without mercy that I did nothing to deserve, and until he recognizes that, owns that, and conveys that to me convincingly, a viable R between us will not be possible. At this point, I don't even know if it will be possible WITH that because the loss is so great, but I do know for certain that without it, we are headed for divorce.<p>And I feel obligated to tell him that as he was obligated to tell me that he was checking out of our M and pursuing another R, an obligation he failed to fulfill. The BS does not need to "get over it" to make the WS more comfortable; the BS needs to learn to live with the loss of something precious that was stolen from them, and the WS needs to restore as much of what they stole as they can to expedite that IF they want to rebuild the R.<p>The betrayal of adultery is very painful abuse of another human being. Even the betrayal of physical abuse is less because you KNOW it is happening--it is done in front of you. There is no secret second life to deal with--it's all happening right there and then. And in cases like mine, adultery also includes physical assault of the most malevolent kind--inflicting a disease on you without your knowledge of being at risk--somewhat like poisoning your food.<p>If the gravity of this level of abuse is not perceived and appreciated by both the perpetrator and the victim, then the cycle is likely to be repeated. A victim of rape can effect a level of recovery without holding the rapist accountable for his crime. However, isn't a greater level of recovery possible with seeking accountability and the knowledge that he won't be as likely to victimize others? In the case of marital recovery after infidelity, it is the BS him/herself who is the likely subsequent victim OR perpetrator in the uninterrupted cycle of abuse.<p>I think it is important for BS and WS alike to fully appreciate that the marital environment before the A was a joint venture, and each spouse shares the roles of victim and perpetrator. The A, however, has one perpetrator--the WS--and at least one victim--the BS (children and possibly others are included in the victim category). The WS is NOT a victim in regard to the A, only a perpetrator.