thank you everyone. You have given me a lot to think about & I appreciate all the time you've taken to respond to my cry for help.<p>Last night, OM and I decided to end the A so that I can focus on my marriage & give it a chance to work. I know that you have no sympathy for my OM...but he is a good man. He does love me & would do anything for me...and he is proving that beyond any doubt by letting me go & being strong & supportive of my need to do this<p>Anyway, I'm still in the "fog", as I guess you would all tell me...because I still feel that the OM is the love of my life....and on Day 1 of my separation from him...I feel as though I've died inside....and that I'm in a living hell...It's going to be a long road. I haven't stopped crying all day. <p>But...I feel in my heart it's the best thing to do...Either I discover that I love my H and want to make it work...or I discover that the marriage is not salvageable & that way I would go to OM with a sense that I tried everything I could & we'd be able to start a relationship on a better foot....And if he's still willing to give it a shot, then I know that it really was meant to be.<p>Living a double life has taken it's toll on me....on OM...and on my H, even though he doesn't know the whole story yet...I hate that I'm the cause of all this pain....My health has suffered tremendously...I'm always sick...And I just want things to be right again, for everyone.<p>So, step one is in progress....DOES IT ALWAYS HURT THIS BAD? <p>Step Two...telling my H...I'm going to see a counselor next week & then I'll tackle this one...<p>Wish me luck....<p>[ June 05, 2002: Message edited by: lostinlove92111 ]</p>

Yes, it always hurts that bad. And you want to know what hurts even worse? When you realize...I mean FULLY realize that you do love your H and that the consequences of your actions have caused him tremendous pain, and possibly cost you your marriage.<p>We're not being hard on the OM...he may well be a good man, mine was as well...that doesn't justify his involvement with you. No matter how "good" a man an OM intends to be...wooing a married woman is an action of the weak and selfish. It just is.<p>I'll give you yet another tip. Your current "attempt" at giving the marriage another try will most likely be a miserable failure. WHAT? Then why put yourself through this hell??? Because...in your current mindset you are looking to "do the right thing" - but unfortunatly the fog translates that to "make sure the marriage is a failure before baling out to find true happiness". Needless to say, that is not the formula to success. I'd be willing to bet you and the OM departed ways with you saying something to the effect of "I'll always love you" and him saying something to the effect of "I'll wait for you forever". As romantic as it all sounds...it's only true if you are unwilling to pull yourself from fantasyland.<p>Marriage is work...no matter whom you pick as your partner. I hope you keep posting with us. The absolute BEST thing you could do is ask questions. Take care!

You really haven't tried 'everything' if your H does not know the truth.

**bump** for LIL

update...still trying to separate from OM. I go a couple of days & feel so lost. <p>
what advice do you have for me regarding telling my husband about the OM? So, for those of you who've been through this.....do you have any suggestions on how to break my husband's heart in a way that causes the least amount of pain???? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Is there a rigt way to reveal this aweful secret?<p>thanks in advance for your continued support....<p>[ June 05, 2002: Message edited by: lostinlove92111 ]</p>

Bump means that when somebody posts a message in a thread, the thread gets 'bumped' to the top of the forum board with the intention of attracting more attention and participation from the people that normally contribute advice on the forum board.<p>Beign a former BS all I can tell you that when you break the news to your H about the A, is that you try to show some remorse for the pain that you have caused thru your A. Tell him that you want to work on your M but that the pain of loss you are feeling for ending the A is so great that you will need his support, patience, and love to overcome it.<p>You also have to realize that what you are going thru is what many former WS also went thru and overcame thru hard work, patience, love, and support. I know that it is hard to feel proud about anything you've done, but you should hold your head high now that you made the decision to end the A, tell your H the truth, and make a serious attempt to rebuild your M.<p>May God give you the strength, hope, courage, and wisdom to do what is right for you and your H. God bless.<p>Joe

Hello, Lil<p>I am FWS in our marriage and I think we are recovering nicely...<p>Some advice for you and others...<p>1) It does NO good to bash the OM. As a WS, I felt as responsible as the OW for the affair. When nasty things were said about the OW, I knew that they could just as easily be said about me. This was an ineffective tack my wife attempted early on to try to "help me let go of her". <p>2) I don't think there is anything wrong with making the decision to "do the right" thing even if your heart isn't in it. Believe me, your heart won't be in it for a while, but if you continue no contact, you'll give your heart time to come around. You've made an excellent first step.<p>3) All is not lost just because you stumble...but you must make a serious effort at no contact or your marriage has NO chance.<p>4) As far as telling your husband - you have to tell him or you'll never have the chance to fix the problems that created the affair. I tried your logic...limited disclosure, etc. It was a miserable failure. He is how I would appraoch it: You must tell him you had an affair and tell him you answer ANY and ALL questions he has honestly. Once he knows about the affair, you have to let him decide how much he wants to know. Once, out of anger, I shared some details with my wife that she didn't ask for. It was unnecessary and hurtful.<p>Low

aaah yes, the calling to listen to his voice deal. Hey, I've been there done that. Then he got caller ID so I couldn't get away with that anymore. Thank goodness. I will say, though, that it only prolongs the pain. Because each time you do backslide or hear his voice...it all starts over again. I remember that well. <p>I can tell you exactly what will change that and put your focus back on the marriage....telling your husband. Then whatever longings you have will be greatly overshadowed by the consequences of your actions. You'll see the pain that he feels because the person he loves and trusts believes she is better suited with another. He needs to know...if you are to move forward in ANY way he needs to know.

Hello LiL,<p>I am a FWS and FBS. Been M over 10 years now. My H is also a FWS and FBS. I had a A from 98-2000. The contact ended in 2000. The last I heard from OM was a email saying his divorce was finalized and through it all, he and his now ex-wife, were getting along okay. At the end of it he said he was glad to hear from me and that he would email me later that day. I returned his email with a reply that I went back to my H (we were separated at the time) and we were getting along ok too. At the end of my email I told him to stay in touch. I have not heard from him since. I'm so thankful for that. <p>2 years later, I still think about him, but only when I am alone or upset at my H. Because of this, I know now that I was just using the OM as a crutch. The OM was using me as a crutch as well. I also still don't feel any "passion" towards my H to this day, but getting real with myself, I know that is only because I still hold onto the OM secretively which causes me not to feel the passion I should for my H. It is my way of holding onto the feelings I felt with the OM when he touched me, kissed me, or what have you. I am still having an A mentally which effects me physically. I'm still going through the effects of that withdrawal that is mentioned so much throughout MB. <p>You see, I am a addict and I always will be. So is my H. We are in recovery and will be for the rest of our lives. My H found out about my A through someone else and the A's I didn't know that my H had, he told me about. Turns out my H was cheating on me our entire 10 years of M. 1 or 32 (my H's total OW), the effects are the same. 1 is too many. I think finding out from other people, through my own investigation, or by mistake, was more devestating for him then him telling me on his own. <p>GET REAL WITH YOURSELF, LiL. What is your payoff for holding onto this OM? You see, no matter what anyone else says to you, only you can make the choices for yourself. You are either M or you are not. There is no in between. You tell your H or you don't. That is up to you. Either way, you have to live with the consequences. <p>You will be labeled a cheater for the rest of your life and so will this OM, whom by the way has no rights to you or your M, so stop the insanity, and get real. He is a crutch and that is all. YOU EITHER WANT TO BE MARRIED OR YOU DON'T. You owe it to yourself, your H, and this OM to make the choice. Regardless, you are choosing to hurt yourself and this OM, but your H has no choice in the matter. No matter how you look at it or rationalize it, YOUR H IS THE VICTIM HERE. If you are strong enough to enter and carry on this A, then you are strong enough to deal with consequences of your actions. That is how I see it. Plain fact is, your H SHOULD know and you have to end this A before any of the "real" problems can be solved.<p>"I know I need to end this A, BUT....."(your words)<p>But what? anything you say after the BUT is what your true feelings are about the matter. You have already made your choice. If you KNOW you need to end it, then what is the problem? END IT ALREADY. You don't know how to end it or is it that you really don't want it to end? What are you afraid of if you do? What are you afraid of if you don't?<p>Get out of the clouds, LiL, and get real with yourself and your H. Things can only change if you want them to change. Only you can make that happen. THERE IS NOT SUPPOSE TO BE AN BETWEEN. That is why you feel so bad and so stuck. GET FROM IN BETWEEN all the bull****. <p>You and your H need help. You did good to post here on MB. I'm glad you found it. Hear, I mean REALLY hear the advice, read all the Harvey concepts, and read as many books as possible. It will only make you stronger and more wise. By ALL MEANS, get some counseling. TELL YOUR H BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Just my thoughts. Take care and keep posting.
INTHECLOUDS<p>PS. Are you afraid to tell your H because you don't want to hurt him or is it that you don't want to lose him? Again, you are married or you are not. Make the choice.

update...still trying to separate from OM. I go a couple of days & feel so lost that I email him or call his home # when I know he's not going to be home, just so I can hear his voice on the machine..Still feel totally in love with him & feeling empty without him...like my life is over...like I'm giving up my chance to have something wonderful....<p>.....but I'm moving forward & doing what I think needs to be done....<p>And everytime you re-establish contact -- everytime you get your quick "fix" even if you only hear his voice on the machine, you start your recovery ALL OVER AGAIN from day one.<p>You cannot hope to break your addiction to the OM by sneaking a "quick smoke" or a "quick hit" just to hold you over for a while longer.<p>You NEED to FEEL the horrible withdrawal that WILL occur in order to you to get over the OM and to move closer to your H. And, as always, you need to tell your H.<p>I can't force feelings that I don't feel. <p>Nope, you can't that is why you should STOP acting on feelings and starting acting on thinking. It was feelings that got you into this mess. You know (thoughts) that it was wrong, you know now that it is wrong, but you can't help but to feel otherwise so you act on your feelings (call his voicemail for example) instead of acting on your thoughts.<p>You have acted for far too long based on feelings. It is time you go back to whatever moral and ethical compass you once had that drives yor thoughts and start acting on such.<p>My formally wayward wife was given a pie chart from her counselor that had thinking, feeling, and acting in equal pies. Her counselor stated that if you have two parts in agreement, the other part will eventually follow. What that means is that if you think lovingly about your H, and you act lovingly to your H, the feelings will eventually follow.<p>Feelings are a horrible measure of reality. Stop depending on them to determine your actions. Believe me, when you H finally finds out, you will be praying that he will also act on thinking and not feelings. In my case, I still struggle with my feelings toward my wife but I act on what I think, not what I feel, and I can already tell (4 months past Dday and 2 months into recovery) that my feelings have changed and continue to change.<p>question #2: what advice do you have for me regarding telling my husband about the OM? Do you tell the whole story? Do you reveal who the OM is (my H knows the OM)? Is it less painful for the BS if the A was not physical? If it was physical, is it best to spare feelings & say that sex wasn't involved? What's the best way? Letter? With a counselor? Should I plan to leave him alone once I tell him? I mean, should I stay with friends? Will he need space? Or do I not want to leave him alone? How much do I tell upfront? What details do I include? I want this to be as painless as possible (like that's possible)...<p>First, there is no 'best' way. Second, seek professional advice before you do this. I would NOT do it while with the counselor as that is very disrespectful to your H, he may feel trapped and embarrased for this to be shared in front of a stranger. Third, answer each and every question he asks. If he is like me, he may even ask questions that he will regret asking in the future (negative visual images) but it is his right to know the truth and any attempt by you to hide it or to not be forthcoming will drive him very far away.<p>Be prepared for the worst possible reaction. He may want to divorce you. He may leave you, he may want you to leave. You are not telling him for your benefit. You are telling him for his. Know that by telling him, you are starting to act lovingly toward him once again. You are allowing him to be the master of his own destiny. By keeping it from him, you are attempting to control him and his future.<p>Go in with no expectations. Don't expect him to understand, to be kind, nice, etc. If he says he hates you, accept it and follow his wishes (for now). There will be a time after the initial shock when you can and should go back to revisit the issue but you have to allow him time to process this news. It WILL BE the most painful thing you could have ever done to him and very well may be the most difficult thing will have ever faced. At this time, you concern needs to be on him and not you.<p>There is no possible way to do it nicely. Some things simply do not have that option.<p>I will say that sincerity, honesty, lack of defensiveness, and lack of blame on your part will go a long way. He is not responsible, in any manner, for what you did. Please don't attempt to explain why you did it in relation to the state of you marriage and also please do not defend yourself. Now that there will be a time in the future for you to address the marital issues that lead to the A and that there will be a time where you are afforded an opportunity to defend yourself.<p>You are taking a very bold and courageous step. Please know that regardless of what happens, that you will grow and become a more mature person by doing this very painful but very right and necessary thing.

Lil:
As many people here have said already you are getting some very wounderful advice. I am glad to see you might be taking some of it to heart.
I am just going to add a couple of things that have not been mentioned yet. OTHER PEOPLE INVOLVED. As everyone has said you must tell your H everything he has the right to know. As a former WS and one that did not tell my BS untill see found out on her own. (Which made it MUCH worse & we could not save our M)
Now once you do tell him and if you or he choose to file for the Big-D ...... understand that there are going to be many changes in your life you will have to face your Family members & even worse his family, all of your friends & all of his friends & so on.......With everyone knowing what you were involved with. You will loose some mutual friends when they are forced to choose beetween the two of you (If you can't save the M) you will be asked all the time what happend and it will take some time to repair your credibility. Your OM may not be welcome with open arms by some of your friends with them knowing what has happend. This is just the beginning so I hope you & your H can work it out. If not be ready for some hard times ahead. There is life after an A but it will take awhile to find ( It took me 6 years ) and Odds are very high your OM will not be around very long (mine was there for aprox. 8 months untill real life showed up and not the fantasy) Good luck with your future & God Bless<p>
P.s I am now very happily married to a wounderful wife but I had to learn a lot of hard leasons first.

LIL: You wanted my help, but I have a few questions that need to be answered. I have not read everything, but I have read enough.<p>1) What does OM have that your H is lacking?
2) What does your H have that your OM is lacking?
3) Can your OM actually give you what you desire for the rest of your life? If so, how do you know?
4) How did you feel when you first started dating your H?<p>Now for my opinion on all the replies: I feel that everyone has given you EXCELLENT advise and you should listen & act upon it. Your H needs to know so he can get on with his life. You have been very selfish on keeping him on the back burner this whole time. I feel that it is long overdue, and your H deserves to have an opinion in this A. I pray that he chooses to want to work things out with you, because I fear that you will end up alone once the fantacy is over and reality sets in. Remember, I've been in this situation before and know other people who have been there including my H. Nothing good will ever come from it. I hope you make the right choice (you know which one that is). I will always be there for you.<p>Oh, by the way, you have been married for 3 years, not 2. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Please do NOT keep anything from him that he wants to know. Don't try to 'spare' his feelings, you'll find you're really trying to avoid the consequences of the truth.<p>If you doubt this, read 'Shattered Vows' at findarticles.com and "Torn Asunder" which will help you to understand your H's viewpoint. NOW is the time to come completely clean, not 6 years from now like my H did. It's much worse finding out bits and pieces and years later.<p>Please do the right thing

c<p>[ June 05, 2002: Message edited by: lostinlove92111 ]</p>

Just thought I'd give everyone an update. It's been a while....

Well, I told H about A about a month ago. He took it better than I thought he would...and told me that he wants to stay & work on our marriage. He has forgiven me (I'm a little worried that he hasn't worked through all the emotions since he forgave me so quickly)....and we are seeing a marriage counselor every week to work through the issues that brought us to this point.

During this process, I've really gained a lot of respect for my H. He still loves me...and that I'm still the same person....that I just did a bad thing, but that he knows I'm still a good person & still the woman he loves...and tells me that he knows that he also had a role in all this. He knows that we are both responsible for creating the environment that allowed me to have the A. And he doesn't place all the blame on me. He's very loving & determined to get things back on track.

My H is being wonderful & giving me every reason to stay with him....and I feel like I'm learning a lot about him that I never knew. Now I just somehow need to get myself into the right frame of mind to make my marriage work. At this point, I'm still mouring the loss of the love I feel for my OM. I miss him & my feelings have not changed even though there has been no contact for over a month now....

I love my H, but I'm going through the motions at this point. I keep hoping that at some point the motions will become natural & that I will want to be affectionate & intimate with my H as my feelings grow & this motions become a habit. At this point, I still have not been able to have sex with my H. I still have no desire. We cuddle & hold hands, but I don't want to get more intimate than that...even kissing him with passion will be a huge step for me. All we've done is given each other "peck" kisses. He tries for more, but I pull away...I'm not sure why....or how to get past this.

I think we're on the right track & I think that couseling is helping us....I'm discovering alot about myself & how I deal with life. It's been very eye opening....something I should have undergone years ago, if not for my marriage, for myself...And I definitely feel a whole lot better having this all out in the open. When I finally told my H last month, it was like a huge weight being lifted from my shoulders. I'm finally able to sleep again. And I'm no longer sick all the time.

I'm just afraid that I won't be able to get past the "sex thing" & obviously that is a huge issue & very important in a marriage.

Any suggestions?

Thanks again for all your advice. You've given me the strength to get to this point....

LIL,
I am so glad that you finally were able to tell your H. I know the feeling of that weight being lifted from your shoulders. You did the right thing.

As far as intimacy goes. Just take it one step at a time. For me, that part was pretty easy. But one thing that helped us to reconnect even more, was to dig out all the old love letters and pictures from when we were dating.

It was an amazing experience. It was like going back to our roots and made us realize why we fell in love in the first place.

If that doesn't help or if you don't have anything like that. Try going on little trips together. Or just do things together like you did when you dated. That has helped us rekindle things for us.

Right now you are going through withdrawal. Whenever you feel down about missing OM. Redirect that energy to your H. I'm sure he can give you everything and much more than the OM ever did.

Give it time. It will happen for you! My thoughts are with you.
1step

You WILL get past the "sex thing" and any other thing that comes your way. Don't stress yourself out about it...it's natural while you're in withdrawl. And you WILL be in withdrawl for a while yet. Give yourself time. It sounds like you're much better than you were. If you have any specific questions...just ask. Hubby even commented how similiar our situations are. Take care.

I hope that your H is getting some counseling in order to deal with your A and your symptoms of withdrawl from OM. D-day doesn't necesarily mean that a BS will feel all the devastating emotions that very day and in the case of your H, the emotional D-day may come later on, and so he needs good counseling to help him deal with all the steps of marital recovery.

Remember that you now know more about who your H really is than you do about your OM.

I came across your post and i have to tell you that the entire thing brought back so many uncomfortable feelings for me becuz over a year ago I was in your exact shoes..only my story didn't end as happily as yours will..i know.

quick recap: In Dec of 1996, met a wonderful man, so easy to talk to, so loving, so sensitve, kind unselfish, my best friend.. I married him..I was so happy, or so I thought... In April of 1999, we moved to a new city, new people, new job.. at new job, met new man (such a charmer) within 3 months, we were involved in a full fledged affair..so blinded by the fog, i convinced myself it was okay, after all, I never really 'was in love' with my husband, He was just always my best friend, my big brother..

finally told husband in october of 1999.. before that i can't tell you how many times i tried to end it with the OM but time and time again, i was sucked in..by jan of 2000, i moved out on my own, OM still was dating other women and was not ready to make a committment to me although i had separated from my H, liked he asked

Finally in July of 2000, OM moved in and it was not all a bed of roses... In Dec of 2000, OM decided he didn't wnat me anymore.. The pain was unbearable, I voluntarily checked myself into an inpt rehab becuz I could not deal with the pain and guess who came to my rescue ..to see me everday, bring stuff animals, my H who was still waiting in the wings for me to hopefully come back to work on our marriage..

In Jan of 2001 I quit my job, went to live with my H "as friends" till i could get myself together..The whole time I was hoping OM would come back to me so i pursued with the divorce..On Jan 19 2001 my divorce was final.. i was still room mating with my H who thru it was was wonderful..even let me vent and cry on his shoulders for my OM..

In Feb, i got my own apt again.. OM followed me and In May of 2001 OM and I got married, the whole thing was a whirlwind and was utter hell.. To this day my ex h, emails my sister and is still hoping i will come back and make it work..

The only thing that has made our marriage last this long, is we now have a personal relationship with Jesus and we are truly repentant and if the whole thing had to be done over, we would have never did it.. but God is faithful and he is so full of mercy..

It's been rocky but with God's help and love we will make this marriage last... Good luck to you

LiL,

I am glad that you have told your H about the affair. I think it is probably normal for you not to have feelings of intimacy for your H. But, perhaps you need to talk with him about this and explain that from all you have read this is rather normal until you are through with withdrawal.

I think you realize that failure on your part to reestablish intimacy with your H will very likely end your marriage. Because it will show him you are not truely in love with him.

I am very busy today, but I think you should read SKM's Chronicles. If you do a search on the word Chronicles in the recovery section this thread will come up. It shows her progress as she recovered from her affair.

As the coffee man suggested your H will probably need help with this. He is probably still pretty numb as it has only been a month. This whole process is very hard on both parties. But, you will come to realize it is harder on your H because he is absolutely powerless at this point. He can Plan A and do his best to forgive, although he will NEVER forget, nor should he, but what he wants most, YOU is out of his reach and control. He must trust that you will work through this and become his W again. It is hard to Trust when in his position.

So talk with him, tell him what you are thinking and feeling, express your hopes your fears, and let him be as much a part of this as you can.

In any event, I am glad to hear that you did tell him. He reacted as I suspected he might from what you had said about him. He does love you, you know?

God Bless,

JL