Here4U...my friends felt the same way. They just wanted happiness for me...and, quite frankly, a couple of them were miserable in their own marriages and thought that if they had the same opportunites as I, they would jump on it. Obviously they knew little of the complexities of all of this. I finally learned to quit leaning on them...and to start looking within for the answers. It wasn't that my friends weren't good advice givers...just that this wasn't something that THEY COULD give advice on...they weren't in the marriage, nor were they part of the A.<p>Lil...I hope you wake up before it's too late. I hear all the time about people who are SURE they've got it all figured out...only to go crawling back to their spouses later begging for a second chance...and some of them don't get one. Be very careful.

LIL:<p>"I've still having a few conflicts. I've told some friends that know both me & H and they say "don't tell him". "<p>Don't listen to them. They don't know what you're going through, or what your H *is* going through, because he's an unwitting player in your life of lying to him. He's compartmentalized into a small corner of your ability to be devoted to someone. That isn't fair.<p>"I myself don't think I'd want to know... ...And the hell that we went through for 3 years after was unbearable because I didn't trust a thing he said....And I felt so insecure...It was a horrible feeling...I think it's better not to know...and have things just be put in the past... ...If I'm able to move on with my husband (which I don't know if this is possible still), wouldn't it be better to save him this pain."<p>In a word, NO! Think about this. If you've already felt this yourself with your previous relationship, do you think it would really be possible to ever want to "not be told" if your partner was having an A? The not knowing would eat you alive! <p>I went through major hell when I found out about my W's A. MORE because I found out myself, she didn't tell me. And it started 11 years ago! So, what if you are able to rebuild your M without telling your H about your A and he finds out 11 years from now just why it was you weren't getting along so well now? Think about how devastated he'll be THEN.<p>"I'm still trying to settle this in my head. Are there other sites that I could get more info about this on so that I can feel better about my choice to tell or not tell? I'm not looking for someone to agree with me, but I do want to be sure I'm doing the right thing."<p>Not that I know of. <p>"I'm also having a hard time believing that all these feelings I'm having for OM are not real...that I'm just supposed to ignore them & tell him goodbye."<p>The feelings may not be "real", but noone will disagree that they're very strong. That's all the more reason for breaking off all contact with your OM permanently - you can't just "forget" your feelings for him, but you can't focus your attention on your R with your H if you're periodically being yanked back to this draw to the OM by maintaining contact with him.<p>"this is my true love"<p>Nonsense.<p>"& I feel like I'd be letting the love of my life get away..."<p>We all have to make exclusive choices in our lives: where to work, where to live, who to be with. These kinds of choices require us to devote ourselves to ONE of these things and grieve the "death" of all others. When you do this, you'll find you're much better off because you'll feel better about your own integrity. You just might rediscover your H and what you love about him in the process. <p>"and that I'd lose the person I was meant to be with."<p>meant by who? Sorry, I'm an atheist, but even when I was a Christian I knew better than to think that God would "mean" for me to be with someone that I was living a lie with, when I was M'd. <p>"And maybe the right thing for me to do is leave my husband?? Who do you know that it's always right to make the marriage work? What if I married the wrong person? For the wrong reasons?"<p>You'll not be able to answer these questions so long as you're leading a double life with these two men. If your H isn't "right" for you, the thing to do would still be to sever contact with your OM and work on figuring that out. If you then can't repair your M with OM "out of sight, out of mind" the whole time, then it might be time to consider DV. But DON'T recontact OM until this is FINAL. Don't get into a rebound relationship with him. It probably will fail, and then you would have destroyed your M as well as this "new" R.<p>"And what about the OM? If I decide to work things out with my husband, how do you just ignore the love you have for that person?"<p>You don't. But you can expect those feelings to fade with time, *especially* if you stay OUT of contact.<p>"Are there support groups for OM? Do the OM ever post on this site?"<p>Yes, provided they're pro-M, and want to rebuild their own Ms. For this reason, many OP don't come here, because the last thing they want, during the A, is for their A partner to leave them permanently.<p>"I love this person too! I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt anyone."<p>But you already have hurt your H. You owe him honesty and love. You owe OM nothing whatsoever. He had an A with you, knowing (if he's got any integrity whatsoever) that it was WRONG. Don't feel bad about "hurting him." Frankly, he deserves it.<p>Warmest regards

I<p>[ June 05, 2002: Message edited by: lostinlove92111 ]</p>

lostinlove:<p>Oh BOY!! You don't really expect me, or anyone else on this site, to feel any simpathy for this guy, do you? Actually, I probably would have tried to be helpful if HE had posted this message to this forum. In fact, I would feel a lot better about his chances of rebuilding his self-respect (or his integrity, if he thinks he's got his self-respect already), if he were to join in and post to this thread. But be prepared for some very harsh-sounding replies if he does.<p>Heck, be prepared for my harsh-sounding reply to your forward: <p>""WOW! There are a lot of people that have the same problem!!
Well baby, everyone seems to have good advice on everything that they have experienced,"<p>We try, we really do, considering the pain we're in, to truly help each other out. Hopefully, most of the time, we succeed. But there's still no substitute for good counselling. This is what lostinlove needs most, not you right now.

"I've mentioned to you about telling H about his situation a few times."<p>At least this guy's got a spark of good in him.<p>"I'm not pressuring you (directly) I know that we say the we love each other and that we've had all the conversations that everyone else has had with their OM (hehe, lingo)"<p>Would you prefer "adulterer", or "homewrecker", or "betrayer", or "liar", or "rat [censored]"? I think OM is pretty generous, and it's accurate without being insensitive to those that come here for real help.<p>"ok, well that still doesn't help us,"<p>No, it won't either. Only good counselling can help either of you.<p>"sure that concern for making the right choice is the most important one here with us, But the choice in still being made by you? I can't move forward with you unless you can move forward with me?"<p>The "right choice" to make here would be to look at yourselves, what you've done, and decide whether or not you can live with the dishonesty your relationship is built on. Can you? I certainly couldn't. As I've told lostinlove, if you two want to be together, you should back off and let her find out if she wants her M or not, and stay out of the picture until such time she decides she does not, AND she's divorced and ready to recommit. ...But then there's still the dishonest basis of your relationship to live with "forever, forsaking all others, in holy matrimony" and all that...<p>"If you don't think that this will work between us and you go by the statistics that have been brought up, then I guess we're on a dead-end street to no-where. I don't think we are"<p>I do think you are, but that's just my opinion.

"but everyone else that has "lived "
this say's it is. Well I guess they're experts right?"<p>None of us pretend to be experts, but we are experienced, certainly. You obviously have no idea how much pain you're inflicting on lostinlove or her H. A$$.<p>" Well, how about this for a opinion ?"<p>Looking forward to this!<p>"I feel that what people are saying on this post is based on affairs that went bad."<p>Oh please! Affairs don't have to GO bad, they ARE bad from the beginning (see my alternate terms for "OM" above).<p>"They got themselves into a situation that was lead by the wrong reason and ended up as a train wreck."<p>Which is pretty much all of them.<p>"Yes affairs are not good,"<p>Wisdom, at last!<p>"but if they happen it's for a reason, whether they spawn from lust or in some rare cases love."<p>I don't think anyone here would dispute this. But finding those reasons and dealing with the consequences does not involve continuing the A.<p>"I mean, where are the posts that have the 10% of the success stories that ended up being together for the rest of their lives and had all the conversations about kids, houses, dogs and vacations come true?"<p>Good question. I don't know the answer, and I don't know if you'll find it here. Maybe 10% is being generous?<p>"I know the odds are against people like this, but there ARE people who found something GREAT out of having the affair, it opened their eyes to something they where missing in their original relationship, what ever it may be."<p>This certainly happens within the M after an A is brought to light, and there have been some to tout the "benefits" of having an A, but they're rare (and pretty screwed up, in my opinion). <p>"I admit I do sound like a hypocrite when I say I cherish marriage and here I am basically destroying someone else's,"<p>You most certainly do!<p>"but why am I taking all the blame? The other person is just as guilty."<p>Yes, lostinlove is just as guilty. But her H isn't, he doesn't even know about your A. He IS guilty of his share of the problems within their M, but he is not responsible, in any way, shape, or form for lostinlove's decision to cheat on him.<p>"But maybe this marriage was destroyed already?, why would anyone that is so happily married be swayed so easily to cheat on their
spouse?"<p>You and lostinlove need to read a LOT of literature on this very subject. Basically, we're all wired for affairs. Even when we act on the temptations, our Ms can be rebuilt, but both spouses have to be interested in rebuilding their M, or at the very least they need to be given the chance to find out if there is any reason to stay M'd. But they can only have that opportunity if there are NO DISTRACTIONS from the OP. In other words, OM, do the right thing here and BACK OFF! Better yet, check out some books from the library about infidelity (forgot to mention "infidel" on the list of synonyms for OM, above), and LEARN. You can be a better person for it. And, if eventually lostinlove determines that her M was "wrong" and gets a divorce, you'll be better prepared to be a loving, caring, honest companion to her for the rest of your life.<p>"Well because were only human and we make mistakes. So what?"<p>So, what we're all human. Humans do all kinds of things for/to each other. Sometimes humans are loving, sometimes they lie, sometimes they kill each other. What kind of human do you want to be remembered as?<p>"We can also fix mistakes right? My question is why is the affair the mistake? Because it's morally and socially unaccepted? <p>That's one reason. It's also a lie. It's also the cruelest form of spousal abuse there is. <p>"I agree, but it happens."<p>You don't agree strongly enough to stop yourself from taking cruel advantage of a married woman by getting involved emotionally and sexually with her while she's married to someone else. Where's your sense of integrity, man? <p>"Could the mistake be the marriage?"<p>The marriage could be *a* mistake, but the A is *the* mistake in question.<p>"I mean yeah you got married but, what makes that the right choice to begin with? People get married for the wrong reasons all the time, be it money, fame, power, isn't that socially and morally unaccepted also? "<p>Perhaps. But, once again, this has nothing to do with your having an A with lostinlove. Let her and her H decide whether their M was a mistake. You can't help her determine this at all.<p>"OK, another question, what makes our situation prone to failure? Because everyone else's failed?"<p>Pretty good reason, don't you think?<p>"Just because they failed doesn't mean that we will."<p>No, but the statistics DO MEAN that your R will PROBABLY fail. Do you want to ruin lostinlove's M on the slim chance that your A will be one of the 10% that does "succeed?" I would feel like a heel in your position. <p>"Why can't we be part of the 10% of the success stories? Not possible? Then where did the 10 % come from, someone must be happy with their OM or OW?" <p>Again, not very good odds, even assuming your illicit relationship is one of the 10% that can succeed. <p>I guess that I can only hope that lostinlove came to this site out of a sincere desire to do the right thing. That right thing may be to rebuild her M and her R with her H, or it may be to determine that the M isn't right for her and end it in divorce. Either way, YOU need to get out of the picture while she works this out for herself. <p>Be a man. Be respectable. Do right by lostinlove!

LIL if you want to end your marriage than do so. Stop trying to justify your choice to commit adultery by blaming your husband for not making you happy. Committing adultery is easy. There are a lot of lowlife around who have no hesitation to screw around with a married woman.It is dealing with the consequences that is going to be difficult. A good marriage does not just happen. It takes a lot of work. Of course, you don't want to believe this to be true because you are in love with this OM and think that he is going to make you happy everyday of your life. The problem is that some people have to learn the hard way. The people posting on this website are trying to warn you but you can't or unwilling to hear. The question is what do you want to do with hubby who thinks he married an angel. My advice tell him and end this charade of being married.<p>[ April 29, 2002: Message edited by: tomaz ]</p>

LiL,<p>I know of one woman here who had the affair and married her OM. She posts here occasionally, BonnieSept is her login name. I know of many other WS's here who remarried often their affair partner and are or have been posting because their marriage is going down the tubes.<p>LIL, the honorable thing to do is tell your H about the affair. He might just save you a lot of trouble and divorce you. Harley often comments that if there are no children, and an affair occurs that one should look hard and deep to determine if the marriage should be saved. <p>As for your "soulmate", I don't know whether to laugh or not. It is sooo common around here that it is sort of a standing joke. Further, there is no chance your H can do a single thing to ignite the passion while you are emotionally intangled with your OM. THat will make OM very happy as he has no possible competition as long as the affair lasts. <p>However, he might want to consider the type of woman you seem to be. Your affair started after only 18 months of marriage to a man you have known 10 years. I guess that probably means he will get about 10 years then out the door.<p>I am not being mean nor am I being silly. I am being brutally honest with you. You will have learned absolutely nothing about what you have done and why you did it, until you tell your H. THen and only then, can you truely evaluate what is wrong with you and LIL something is.<p>Most people don't know someone for 10 years, marry them and have an affair with their "soulmate" only 1.5 years after the marriage. THere seems to be a lot you don't know about yourself, and a sure way to find out is to find out about the type of man you are married to. THat knowledge will only come if you tell him.<p>If you just divorce him and slink into the night, the odds are high you and OM won't be the 10%. Why? because only about 10% of people really learn from this experience. THat is why this board is such a shock to people. It makes sense but not the kind they have ever heard before.<p>So LIL, you have decisions to make, so does your OM, why don't you give your H the chance to make some decisions as well?<p>LIL, if you don't learn from this, the odds are not good.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

My H's OW was married to her first husband (less than a year) when she cheated with Husband #2. Then, 6 mos after marrying him...she slept with MY husband. Her 2nd husband told me that he basically married her out of guilt over the affair. Did it last? Obviously not. She has since moved away and is with yet another man. Relationships that start as affairs don't usually last. They are built on lies and deceit. <p>I feel very sorry for your H if you still haven't told him. You are being very unfair to him, and to your vows. It's like the WS say that they can have all of the puzzle pieces, but us BS have to sit there with 47 pieces missing and try to complete the picture.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Could the mistake be the marriage? I mean yeah you got married but, what makes that the right choice to begin with? People get married
for the wrong reasons all the time, be it money, fame, power, isn't that socially and morally unaccepted also? <hr></blockquote><p>And if that is the case, the honorable person discusses the issue with the spouse, tries counselling, and if things don't work out, they divorce. THEN, they are free to form an intimate relationship with another person.<p>What logic is there in following one mistake with another, that is, a marriage that is a mistake followed by an affair that is a mistake??<p>What you are involved in is the ultimate betrayal of another human being. There is NOTHING that justifies such behavior. No one here denies that a married person can fall in love with OP. Feelings are feelings. But a person of character will have the self-control to do what is right.<p>And what is right is to stop seeing OM, tell your H, and see if there is anything left of your M to save.<p>Estes

We can also fix mistakes right? My question is why is the affair the mistake? Because it's morally and socially unaccepted? I agree, but it happens. Could the mistake be the marriage? I mean yeah you got married but, what makes that the right choice to begin with? People get married for the wrong reasons all the time, be it money, fame, power, isn't that socially and morally unaccepted also? OK, another question, what makes our situation prone to failure? Because everyone else's failed? Just because they failed doesn't mean that we will. Why can't we be part of the 10% of the success stories? Not possible? Then where did the 10 % come from, someone must be happy with their OM or OW" <p>I can't help but to laugh (though it is not funny). My wife thought much the same, so did her OM. They had both read SAA so they KNEW all of this already but they were convinced that they were soul mates and that their relationship was different -- that the book and the statistics did not apply to them because what they had was so special. *puke*<p>First big fight they had (she lied to him and he caught her in such) and that fantasy world of soul mates came crumbling down. They both fell off each others pedastals.<p>What you and your OM have is not unique. Honestly, it is not even special. If the two of you really loved each other, you would have respected each other enough to have decided to come together outside of marriage. Instead, he loved you so little that he actively participated in sinful behavior with you. Instead of wanting better for you, he selfishly made you less of a person -- he helped to make you an adulterer.<p>His letter to you is clearly a person that is grasping at straws to not lose his addiction. I would bet you money that if you were to call it off, he would get even more desperate instead of supporting your decision and being happy for you to save your marriage. My guess is that he will continue to be more concerned with his own gains and losses and what is important for you will continue to be secondary.<p>Step back and read his letter from another light. It is very selfish. I see not support of you and your decisions in what he wrote -- only pressure for you to do what he wants.

Let's start with the CORRECT statistics, folks:<p>From Dr. Frank Pittman's study--<p>Of the marriages affected by infidelity, only 50% ended in divorce.<p>Of those who divorced, only 12% actually married the OP.<p>Of those 12%, 75% of those very quickly ended in divorce.<p>So, only 3% remained married to the OP longer than 2 years.<p>According to the study, there is a greater likelihood that the divorcing adulterer will be back with the betrayed spouse within 5 years than s/he will be with the OP in a stable M.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by lostinlove92111:
<strong>If you don't think that this will work between us and you go by the
statistics that have been brought up, then I guess we're on a dead-end
street to no-where. I don't think we are but everyone else that has "lived "
this say's it is. Well I guess they're experts right? Well, how about
this for a opinion ? </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Well, how about this for my response to these smart-a$$ remarks:<p>Why is "lived" in quotation marks? Did we just PRETEND to live it? Or just THINK or IMAGINE we lived it? Is his the only REAL reality? What an arrogant person!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong> I mean, where are the posts that have the 10% of
the success stories that ended up being together for the rest of their
lives and had all the conversations about kids, houses, dogs and
vacations come true? </strong><hr></blockquote><p>As noted above, there is no such 10%.<p>One way to evaluate this is to be logical. Hard in this situation, I know, but not impossible. The fact is we have no hidden agendas. We are saying what we're saying because we have been on the road you're on. We know where it leads, and we're trying to tell you where all the potholes and drop-offs are. We have nothing to gain by steering you wrong.<p>The only reason we post to people like you is because we are compelled to help others to avert the disaster we can see ahead because we have what you do not have: 20/20 hindsight. We cannot go back in time and undo what happened in our lives and avert the pain we went through or put our loved ones through, but we CAN warn others that they are headed to the same place, and any success in helping others helps us feel like our pain and suffering has not been in vain.<p>We have nothing personally to gain from your decision. We will be here to help you regardless of what you decide to do. We will always urge you to do what we have found beneficial and marriage building, but whether you do that or not will not make or break our personal lives.<p>On the other hand, your OM does have a vested and selfish interest in your decision about your life and your marriage. He does have a hidden and maybe not-so-hidden agenda. Those of us who have been the OP, been with the OP, or been victimized by the OP are not fooled by him at all. We know exactly where he's coming from and what he's after. You've heard from nearly every voice of experience here. You can heed it or not as you see fit.<p>Our message will not change. We will be supportive of every effort to rebuild marriage in the face of infidelity, and we will encourage changing course away from the secret second life of betrayal and dishonesty in M. Lasting happiness can only be found in honor.

Conqueror:<p>Thanks for the correction re the statistics!!<p>lostinlove: <p>Please substitute "3%" for all my "10%"s in my previous post! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Seriously, though. I'm glad you're here. You sound like a decent person in a difficult position. By coming here, you're giving yourself a real chance to become a better person!<p>Good luck to you,

Conqueror:<p>Thought of another thing, maybe just a clarification issue:<p>"Of the marriages affected by infidelity, only 50% ended in divorce.<p>Of those who divorced, only 12% actually married the OP."<p>So, 12% of the 50%, or 6% of Ms affected by As?<p>"Of those 12%, 75% of those very quickly ended in divorce."<p>If the 6% above is correct, then 75% of 6% is 4.5%, so only 1.5% of M'd A'ees stay together longer than 2 years.<p>Pretty bleak picture, whatever the answer!<p>RUN AWAY!

"Run away" from the A, that is, not the M! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

2long,<p>I tried to cut and paste the information that was posted by someone who actually had access to Dr. Pittman's book, Private Lies. My understanding is that the study sample was 100 couples affected by infidelity who came to him for treatment.<p>Out of the original 100 couples, 50 divorced.<p>Of the 50 divorced WS, 12 married the OP.<p>Of the 12 WS/OP marriages, only 3 were intact at the 2-year mark.<p>So, out of the original 100 WS, only 3 were still with the OP 2 years later--a 3% "success" rate.<p>The important point is that even of the 50 WS who divorced, a greater number of them reconciled with the original spouse even after divorce than remained with the OP, so that plus the 50 who did not divorce makes the odds for the original couple somewhere above 56% as compared to 3% for the WS/OP "couple".<p>I hope someone who has access to the book can clarify anything I misread or miswrote.

Hi LIL,<p>I'm one of the WS who married the OM...5 1/2 yrs ago. So, how's it going now??? Well, we've been separated for 10 wks....that's how. But, the good news is that we are getting back together this weekend. We both know NOW that there are major obstacles to overcome when your M starts out based on lies/deception...and those issues are not addressed up front. We know we have a lot of work to do, but we really do love each other adn are willing to do whatever it takes to work this out. But even so, it's not a good place to start a marriage from. The odds are definitely not with you!<p>Good luck with your decision. The people here give really good advice.<p>Anna

My point is still that your husband, if he is your friend like say he is, should have the knowledge to make HIS choice. <p>Nothing your OM says changes that fact and I believe he even agrees. <p>If you are determined to gamble with your future against those odds thats fine. You have no right to bring your husband along for it without his consent.<p>--<p>I had no delusions or expectations about how your OM would respond to what we post and I can think of a billion reasons and statistics to post back.. and im sure he would have the same reasons to convince you why what we say doesnt apply. So I wont try to convince him of anything. <p>Good luck, to you, your OM, and your husband.
Of course I feel the most for your poor husband, but I really do hope ALL of you have good lives. Your situation is your mistake, but everyone makes mistakes. I hope you have the strength to do what you need to do to fix it.<p>
-HI<p>[ May 01, 2002: Message edited by: HangingIn ]</p>

You also have to know that many WS's that marry their OP have an A by their OP or themselves. In other words, history repeats itself. Like the old saying goes, those that do not learn from the past are condemned to repeat it.<p>But it's your life or is it your funeral?<p>Joe

lostinlove, You have much good advice to think about. You will never know what your husband wants or is willing to do unless he "has all the pieces". Your OM has the hope your marriage will fail. You have a safety net or so you think. My W had OM and I both wanted her. W found out she was OW #1 and he was phoning OW #2. He moved 1200 miles away, W stayed because of the kids. They kept up phone calls almost every day. W was still torn six months after he moved away because she never let him go. Now he is engaged to OW #2, and we are separated. My wife told me it is scary to go from 2 men wanting her to neither one wanting her. She has a hard time understanding I still want her, even after all this. She fell for his words and now he is off with someone else. He moved on when he didn't think he was "winning".
Good luck but rmember you made vows to your husband, he should hear it all from you.

The reason Affairs don't have any hope of surviving as a relationship is because they are created in a bed of dishonesty. There is nothing honest about it. Affairs rarely survive after being revealed in the light of day. If there was no need to hide; the fantasy could not exist. If you're both so sure of being soul mates; why not test your theory. Be completely honest with your H. Bring it out in the open; see what happens.

Lil, there have been many things I've wanted to write to you but just haven't had the time. I want to share with you some of the things I learned the HARD way. But first I need to tell you that the letter from your OM not only sounds arrogant, but I also felt it was extrememly manipulative and demeaning to you. Why on earth, if you are having doubts, would you rely on your co-conspiritors opinion to make up your mind? You are fully capable of figuring out things for yourself...and if you don't feel you are, well then that's an issue that YOU need help with from a counselor, not this man. And if he is so sure that we are so clueless...then why isn't he man enough to come here and argue his points himself? He doesn't have a leg to stand on is why...because we know what we're talking about...unfortunatly.<p>I know you feel like this man is meant to be with you...I felt the same way...heck, most betraying spouses do. It feels better than believing that you're weak and making a horrible immoral mistake. We're meant to be together so I'm not really committing adultry, I just haven't quite figured out how to leave yet....is that about it? My OM and I didn't even cross over into a PA until more than a year of having feelings for each other...and I was seperated from my H at the time. It made our guilt a bit easier to handle..because we weren't quite as "dirty" as your typical adulterer. We weren't trying to have our cake and eat it to, we were just struggling with getting this pesky marriage out of the way so we could be together.<p>Luckily our situation drug out over a lengthy period of time. I say it was lucky because it gave the hot and steamies time to drizzle out to barely warm and fuzzies. I'd known the OM as long as I'd known my H, but KNOWING someone and DATING someone are very different things. Although we were never really able to "date", we still had many conversations and meetings where our "true" sides came out. He proved himself just another human being (as did I)...one I just happened to be able to communicate better with than my H. There were many little things that I began noticing too...things that were different from my H that I DIDN'T LIKE! I always teased my H that he was anal...but his "perfectionistic" side was far more appealing to me than the OM's leisurly side. If I wanted something built, my H would build it...if the OM wanted something, he bought it or hired it done. Got the same job done...but I admired my H far more for his efforts, creativity and ability. The OM was more sensitive...and I loved that about him...and it came to drive me nuts. He was SOOO sensitive about EVERTHING! It was like I'd be marrying a WIFE not a HUSBAND! I wanted a MAN and the OM was no more a man than my H. I came to realize that although the OM would indeed be a good provider, would not cheat on me, loved me very much, and would make a good husband...we would have issues to work through JUST LIKE H & I. That's when the brain started clicking.<p>I pulled away from OM sometime last summer. He knew I needed space in order to get through my divorce. He tried to fake patience and understanding...but I'm a bit more perceptive than that. I knew he was angry and irritated. Honestly, I didn't care anymore. I wanted ME time and I didn't want him interfering with my thoughts anymore..whether on purpose or not. I spoke with him on the phone weekly, but nothing more than friendly chit chats. When we would get off the phone I would find myself relieved to have my space again. I turned to a board I'd been posting on for over a year. They knew the entire story...they knew me as well as any poster could. I started asking questions about marriage...and expectations...you name it. H and I didn't have passion...why was that? H told me I expected too much from a marriage...I said he didn't expect enough...who was right?<p>The H and I met when I was about 19 yrs old. I grew up rough...was sexually abused a few times...my father was an alcoholic and a genius...lots of head games. Needless to say, as emotionally healthy as I felt...I had buried issues. Sex was one of those issues. I did it...but never really enjoyed it. I always tried to make it fun...jello on shower curtains, honey, outdoors in the rain. For all appearances H and I had a great sex life...sept that I didn't enjoy it...it was a chore that I scratched off a list of things to do. Never did have an O...figured that's just the way it was going to be. But then OM and I started connecting as more than just friends...and SHAZAAAM, the sparks were UNBELIEVABLE!!! Even without having actually touched each other we were sharing fantasies and driving each other nuts! AHHHA! All these years! It wasn't ME that was the problem, it was lack of chemistry!!! Or so I thought. Finally had my first O...read a book and did the homework...WOWIE!! I felt like a real woman!<p>Thing is...you CANNOT compare the feelings I had for or with my H when I was 19 and the feelings I developed at 29. At 29 I was going through my "30 yr transition" (similar to a man's midlife, but hits a woman around 28-32) and was more emotionally ready to feel those things! The fact that I had no "baggage" with the OM and was seeking escape from a major depresssion made it perfectly understandable that I might find new and exciting feelings with him. I couldn't have found those with just anyone...because it had to be someone I trusted. I had so much resentment with my H that I certainly didn't trust him (emotionally) but the OM I did. It had nothing...NOTHING...to do with chemistry or being soul mates. My H and I have since discovered that we too can share passion.<p>So what about "things in common". I mean, my H and I shared very few common interests...I am far more "intellectual" in the book sense...he's a laborer (but exceptionally good at it), I'm a thinker. He would watch the game show network and I wanted to watch Tech TV or be on the computer. I mean...it seemed the only common interest we shared was our son. Ok...so I move out and live on my own for a year. I learned a few valuable things about myself and my life. I HAD to take responsibility for bills, and working, and my son. If something was broken I had to take care of it. Many of the things I blamed my H for in my life...turned out to be my own failures as well. We had never gone anywhere...but then, when did I plan anything? I wanted my life to be different...but I didn't realize that I was the one responsible for making it that way...and that divorcing my H and finding someone else wasn't the answer. My marriage grew stale and my life grew boring...and I was just as much at fault as my H.<p>So...divorcing my H wasn't going to make my life better...only I could do that...and although OM would make a good life partner, we would have issues to work through as well as a HUGE social black mark to add to our list of hurdles...then add to that a nice healthy dose of guilt and resentment towards the OM for supporting me in ditching a marriage I would might find out could have worked if I would have TRIED instead of just run away. Add to that the fact that I was increasingly growing more respect for my H and less for the OM...and the fact that I kept looking back to BEFORE the OM was more than a friend of the family...and realizing that I sure didn't think I had a bad marriage at the time. Well...my head finally just popped right out of my butt.<p>There was no "right" choice. One man was not more than another. One road was not going to lead me to heaven and the other to hell. Each choice meant pain and work and commitment. And if I was going to choose to commit...why not to the man I shared a past with...the man I promised myself to love, cherish and honor all my life, for better or for worse? I loved my husband, but was not in love with him. So what..."in love" is an easy-come easy-go emotion. True love is way more difficult...and rewarding in the end.<p>And for the record...I am totally "in love" with my H these days. It's not the full blown can't keep our hands off each other, can't think straight, kind of in love....it comes in waves. I'll be driving down the road and get a huge warm fuzzy...or even a hot and steamy once in a while! I LOVE the fact that I can be IN LOVE and still get my work done! I HATED how scatterbrained that teenage giddiness made me. This is a far more productive and enjoyable experience.<p>Please think on this and take some time for YOURSELF. The OM is influencing you for his own selfish desires. I know how wonderful it is to feel desired...but it doesn't last. And when that's gone...what then? Another affair? A new marriage? Or THEN you'll do the work? Why not now? It doesn't matter that it CAN work with him...what you need to answer for yourself is are you SURE it CAN'T work with your H?