Another Update....

Things had been going ok in counseling over the past month, but still, I felt disconnected from my H...I still want nothing to do with him intimately.

I think alot of this had to do with the guilt and remorse that I'm feeling. And also because a part of me was still holding on to my OM. When me and OM parted, I told OM that I was giving myself a time period to work things out & that if things didn't change, I would leave...so, really, I left the door open. I think this has stood in the way of me moving on completely.

Well, a couple of weeks ago, our counselor gave me the assignment to write a letter putting all my feelings down & asking for my guilt to be lifted...so that I could forgive myself (which my H has already done). And then once written, to burn it & have the guilt feelings go up in flames with the letter. It took me a week (I thought it was korny at first), but I did it. I also included in my letter that I wanted my heart to let go of the spot it was holding for my OM so that I could totally devote myself to my H. Just writing this all out helped a great deal.

Then, I also wrote to my OM and told him that things were going well & that he needs to move on...basically, I told him goodbye...for real this time. Even though I had not seen or talked to him in over a month, the thought of "us" was still there because I knew he was waiting in the wings. Well, I finally closed the door. I do still love him & he'll always be in my heart & I'm still mourning his loss, but I also love my H and he's the one that I promised to love, cherish, and protect. I know this is the right thing. I just wish I could've realized this sooner before so many people had to go through such pain.

Then, our counselor gave me an assignment to do something nice for my H to show my intentions...I bought him an unexpected gift one day....Then, during the same week, I surprised him on his lunch & took him to have a picnic in the park. And now, we just made reservations to take a vacation, just the two of us, to re-connect & focus exlusively on each other in Jamaica-Sandals Ocho Rios!! We're very excited. I think it will do us good...but we're also realistic & know that this isn't a magical fix it all trip. We have a lot of work to do....and to continue doing throughout our marriage so that it will not only be repaired, but so that it will continue to grow.

It's just amazing how much things have changed over the last couple of weeks. I have hope once again...and really feel like we're going to make it. I'm really very lucky to have my H. He is a wonderful man for standing by me. And I love him all the more for it.

Thanks everyone...

<small>[ July 24, 2002, 05:20 PM: Message edited by: lostinlove92111 ]</small>

(((Lostinlove)))

I was the first to reply to you on this thread ... I am so pleased with your demonstration of brave integrity.

Rebuilding and recovery has it's ups and downs .... baby steps.

We'll hold your hand whenever you need us.

Keep posting!

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

LiL,

Congratulations and have a good time on your vacation.

God Bless,

JL

Well, on Friday, I received a box from my OM at work. It contained every letter, card, picture, etc. that I had ever given him.

OUCH!

Just seeing his return address on the box made my heart leap. And I felt I was right back to square one....the withdrawal pains came back with a vengence. It sucked. Just when things started to go along really well, he did this. It hurt me really bad, but shouldn't I be pissed too?!! This was so insensitive and selfish of him to do this to me, yet it made me want to confort him & go to him because I know he's hurting over this & that he loves me. UGH!!!

Well, I told my H what happened right after I calmed down. I told him that I felt I needed to be honest about it because I was feeling a little sad over it & I wanted him to know why & that it had nothing to do with me and him. He appreciated me telling him, but it must have hurt him to know that I even gave OM "stuff".

Anyway, me and H went away for the weekend & by the time we came back, I was alot better....but this really set me back....destroyed a lot of the progress I was making. I can really see how no contact is so important for recovery!!!

And to top it off, now I feel guilty over hurting OM....he told me that his heart was crushed into a million pieces....I'm responsible for that. I hate that I've hurt people that I love & care about...I wish there was a way that I could help him through this....but the only way to do that would jeopardize my M & I'm not willing to do that...again.

Any thoughts?

"Any thoughts?" ... sure

NC is not only good for you and your M ... it is good for the OM as well ! OM's recovery is also set back with contact, visual, audio, email, objects ... whatever.

Do not hurt OM , hurt yourself, or hurt your H by any contact at all. Now you understand why.

Bless you.

This will be better in time. You've got one hell of-a husband there !

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I know how you feel LIL...I've been there too. My XOM was a good person who made some terrible mistakes...but he hurt a great deal in all this too. We all did. Really, the best thing you can do is let him move on. You will get past the pain and sadness too. He knew you were a married woman, and hopefully one day he will realize the value in that. What's done is done, you can't change the past to make the present better for him. He made his choices. I felt terrible guilt...still do occasionally...for what the OM went through...but it doesn't change how much MORE my husband went through. So I put my focus there...because he's the one who deserves my attention and love.

Hang in there. You've done a great thing!

Well, it's me again with an update...and also a request for more help/guidance.

My H and I had a wonderful time in Jamaica. The first couple of days were still a little ackward, but eventually we started to re-connect & have fun together. It was the perfect vacation. We enjoyed each others company....And the week was filled with romance & passion, which we had been missing for a long time. We even renewed our wedding vows on the beach in Ocho Rios!!

When we came back, our marriage counselor "graduated" us from counseling & told us she thought we were ready to proceed without her. So, things are very positive. We've remained focused on each other, and moving forward.

There is just one thing that I'm still struggling with. I know what I did was wrong. But at the same time, what I felt with OM was real & special. I'm having a hard time getting him out of my head. I've had no contact, but he's been in my thoughts. I keep feeling that I'm needing some kind of additional closure, but I'm not sure what that is. Part of me is telling me that I need his forgiveness for what I put him through (even though he was a willing participant). Part of me wants to know what he's been up to...to know that he's ok...I guess it's just hard for me to move on completely til I know he's ok and doesn't hate me. It's because I care so much about him. My heart just won't let me be angry with him for his part in all this, which would make this easier....And my heart just won't let me not worry about him & how he is...or what he thinks about me. But I don't see a way to give myself this closure. I know I can not have any contact. That would destroy all the work my H and I have done...and since I know my H wouldn't want me to do this, I won't...I will respect my H and my marriage. But is there anything I can do to feel better about this without having contact? I really feel this is holding me back, but I can't see the answer? And my anxiety over this seems to be increasing for some reason. I'm becoming preoccupied with it...

Any suggestions?

Thank you.