I had a five month affair and the MM said I was his "one." We slept in the marriage bed, and even played in it with his infant son. I was the one that ended it, almost two weeks ago. So many people here have posted that affairs occured when the wife was pregnant or shortly after the birth of a child. You guys can all call me what you want, I can take it, but I'm also trying to learn something from my mistake. At this point, I'm terrified of getting married and having a child and getting "my just desserts." I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts on why a new child caused enough stress for me to be a part of MM's life, and if there's anything that I should keep in mind for the future-- besides never sleeping with a MM again-- I know. Also, for people who have gone through an experience where the OW was the one to break it off, not the husband, what is the withdrawal period like?

And you came here why?<p>What do you expect to learn from your mistake? That we BWs are bitter and will say angry things to you since you put yourself in our path?<p>Your story is very similar to one at TOW (The Other Website). Why do you feel the need for 'support' and 'learning' here too?

I'm young, 24, and I hope to have a family someday. Like I said, you can abuse me, but I wanted to hear the other side, which isn't often supplied at TOW. Hopefully someone will look beyond what I have done and offer me what they have learned. Do I not deserve the knowlege of someone who has gone through incredible pain that I hope to avoid? Know that I ended it so that the marriage and the baby could have a chance... I'm just trying to do right here, after having screwed up so badly. Is that so hard to understand?

nope... <p>but I know for a fact plenty BSs post there and would be happy to educate you.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>We slept in the marriage bed, and even played in it with his infant son. I was the one that ended it, almost two weeks ago. <hr></blockquote><p>This is nothing but rubbing salt in a wound. On the thread in which you posted, Clarkie expressed dismay that the topic of being in the marital bed was even being brought up... and you think it and educational opportunity to bring it up here?

I was trying to give a full picture. I wasn't involved in the EMR just for sex and neither was he. That's the point. And apparently, you visit TOW, so why can't I visit here?

visit... lurk... rarely post...<p>made the error of starting off on the wrong foot and a couple of posters there wouldn't let me, or anyone else forget it... so I said c'est la vie and went to lurkdom...<p>and, don't kid yourself, that little tidbit was not to give the full picture , it was intended to hurt.<p>The subject was well covered over there... unless you're a moron you know just the effect that sentence would have... so why put it in your FIRST post here?

So you decided the thing to do was give me the same treatment that they gave you? I'm not trying to hurt anyone and I'm sorry that you're so bitter, but I'm SERIOUSLY looking for answers.

OW,<p>You broke it off before he did...you know that at some point he would have broken it off with you after he was done with you, you just did it first. Why do you ask about his withdrawal? If you are sincere you will focus on you and not him at all.<p>I can understand why you want to learn from this so it doesn't happen to you when you marry. I really think the key to this is to work on yourself...I think a good place to start would be to figure out what drew you to a man who was a known cheat and liar, and why you thought he would be different to you and why you accepted this for yourself. You might want to look at the false power you thought you had and look for ways to truly empower yourself without that being at someone else's expense...especially a child's expense.<p>Hope this helps.

Thank you very much for your reply. It means a lot. I have put some thought into this and I think it has to do with my relationship with my father and his affair. After it ended, he created an intimacy with me (NOT SEXUAL) that my mother couldn't breach. I didn't understand it growing up, but now I realize that it was always a point of jealous with her that my father was closer to me than he was with her. So a relationship with a MM was familiar in a way... There's still a lot I have to figure out, but I'm really trying. That's why I'm here. Thank you for helping me.

wrong again.<p>I am simply trying to prevent a flame/board war. I was unnecessarily hurtful in my first post there. I edited myself. I was careful NOT to do so again. <p>I am not OW, therefore do not really belong there. I was there to get perspective. Figure out the OW. Discovered they come in all packages and intellects.<p>You want to know if it was meaningful that "your" MM brought you into his marriage bed w/ his child and the three of you played house. What a beautiful picture for us to all read. Again, unnecessary.<p>I am still not clear on what it is you expect to learn from us. If you want to know why he did it... ask him... or a MM on TOW. I can't even begin to form words around what I think of someone who did that... and if I discovered my H had done that... the bed would go flying out the top story of our house into the street and MY MARRIED MAN could sleep there. The man is clearly not thinking and needs some air to think... he'd get plenty in the streets.<p>You want to learn from your mistake? Don't do it again. Figure out why you did in the first place. Why would you be willing to usurp the place of a wife and mother? Quit focusing on him and why he did it.<p>The real answers are within you.

OW,<p>There are no real answers for you, accept the fact that what you did was wrong. What goes around comes around...I pity you. The devastation you will experience will be great and then you will understand. Just know that you could have broken up a family...and does his wife know yet? Don't share such details at this site...we are the wives after all. We do not seek revenge on ow's, but we know that they will suffer the consequences one day and it won't be at our hands. So move on with your life and forget him. Get you a man who will adore you only and devote himself to you. Being that I am over my devastation...I am open to what you have to say. I hope that what you find here will help you to never do this again and you will keep your friends from making the same mistake. Remember that just because a mm seeks you out or allows himself to be game...does not mean there is trouble in paradise. Only that he is extremely selfish.

I agree. Thank you for some positive feedback. But as we all know it is a two way street. I know that people get complacent in relationships, this is my first adulterous affair, and I have been in long term ones before. I guess what I am looking for is after therapy, etc., what does the BS regret? Is it a problem looking at your husband as a MAN after the birth of a child? It's hard to answer generalizations, but why would a man look for another woman at such a critical time... you have all had husbands offer you excuses, some of which you buy, some of which you don't. I am thinking of me, I am thinking what can I do as a woman so that my husband doesn't make the same grevious error. I'm not saying it was your fault AT ALL, but what were some of the reasons that he gave that there's maybe even a little bit of validity too... I'm not trying to hurt anyone or put blame. He was obviously at wrong, as was I... but why go through so much pain without coming through the other end the wiser?

His affair was not about YOU or HIS WIFE. IT was about HIM.<p>My Hs affair was not about ME or OW. IT was about HIM.<p>That is what I have learned. It is about YOU. The answers lie within you. Focus on YOU. <p>And btw... H and I continued to have sex... and often throughout his affair... so it wasn't about lack of sex either... it wasn't that he didn't see me as a woman or I didn't see him as a man... it was about HIM, something missing in HIM that he went seeking validation from someone else... validation that he is learning has to come from within him... happiness that has to come from within him... appreciating what he has... <p>Affairs are about unmet emotional needs... some can be supplied by spouse and OW... but others, such as spiritual and pychological needs can only be fixed by them.

Hi OW<p>Let me try to speculate what may have happened. I am sure I'll get chastized. Now keep in mind I don't know your MM nor his wife. These are just MY thoughts.<p>The babe was born...new mom gets very very tired from caring for babe 24/7...she doesn't have as much time for H and even if she does find time she wants to rest...sometimes forgets to take care of herself, cuz she's too tired from taking care of babe...mom may not always look her best...and certainly doesn't feel bright eyed and bushy tailed...moms focus has turned to babe, husband feels neglected...husband feels, what about me?....let's go out and have some fun like we used to....<p>And then....

Unmet emotional needs... one thing that my MM said to me was that he had extreme trouble expressing his feelings, but that he always managed to with me... this was one of the reasons he loved me. So, is it to do with commuication break-down, or simplily the man's unwillingness to communicate with his wife? This is obviously a personal issue, but how do you sit down and say, look-- I know something is wrong and I NEED you to talk to me. How did you get to that spot?

bedtime for me OW... We have three boys and morning becomes electric early around here...<p>How did you get to that spot? <p>LOL... my H had an affair... he obviously didn't sit down and tell me he couldn't communicate w/ me...<p>seriously... just this morning he said that it was something IN HIM, not me... and he's working on it... it is finishing out stuff from his childhood and adolescence that keeps him from talking to and feeling insecure and unadmired by me... not that I MADE HIM FEEL THAT WAY... whatever I said... didn't matter... his filter was on for it to be heard that way...<p>You want to learn more about affairs... there's lots of books... 'cause there's more than one kind of affair... some are just about sex...<p>You want to learn about relationships... there's lots of books out there, too. Check out Susan Page... I think she has one for singles... (I have "If We're So In Love, Why Aren't We Happy" and "How One of You Can Keep the Two of You Together.")<p>I also recommend don Miguel Ruiz... "The Four Agreements" and "The Mastery of Love." <p>Do some self-evaluation and forget him for now.<p>Night,
Cali

ow,
the truth is that you can be the best wife ever to your husband...he will cheat if he wants to.
just pray to God that he remains faithful and there is nothing wrong with him to make him seek elsewhere. Like I said before...he is being selfish and only thought about his needs! He didn't consider the fact that his wife slaved all day to care for the home and children, but of his own being. Cali is right...focus on you and get him out of your thoughts. You will soon find that infatuation played a role. Whether it be the high the two of you got off of being in their marriage bed and in there home or just sneaking around. If he disrespected his home what makes you think he respects you and you're so special? Move on and stop worrying about him and whether he will stay in contact or whatever it is you are looking for him to do. We wives may seem harsh, but it may very well be the awakening you need. Ask God to help you deal with these feelings for him that you don't need. Because it's not what you need but what you want.

thank you everyone for being open. Sometimes there is a fight between what you feel and what you know.

OW,
I am open to help in anyway...you may email me at one of my addresses. shofan91@yahoo.com Be sure to let me know it is you or i probably wont open it. My husband says communication, the need to feel needed and adored. Unfortunately...he cheated while I was pregnant. I worked full time, went to college full time, took care of home, and my two children. So I guess he felt I was always busy, but I still didn't neglect him. Like I said, he was being selfish. He didn't care that I was throwing up, sick, in pain from the blessing of carrying a child. I don't know what turned him around but God. Because I went to him, praying that my husband would see the light and realize what he did was wrong. He did and I can not express how God has blessed this marriage since his confession to me. Seek God...and if you don't believe...read Infidelity: A survial guide by Don-David Lusterman. It covers all the bases of the betrayed, betrayer, and the other person.
God Bless. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]