Bleeding,<p>Where is your wife now? Is she still living with you? Does she want to work on your M...or did you decide you couldn't deal with any more. Glad I'm not married to you...your post makes me realize even more how lucky I am to have an H who was willing to give me a 2nd chance...despite an ENORMOUS amount of anger, hurt and bitterness. We are just starting in recovery...but I know for a fact that good things can happen when nobody makes any poorly thought out moves/decisions in haste or in anger.<p>I feel sorry for the woman you're involved with. Wouldn't want to be in her shoes when the real world intrudes on your fantasy.<p>Good luck.<p>Anna

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 12:05 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Now it looks like you all hate me now but you mostly have your husbands cheating and I need to hear from the men with wayward wifes please.
apparently They are right, man are from mars and women are from ....?
so I am in the wrong you all say and I am going to be sorry But and this is a big BUT :
How about the way I am feeling now, There is no more pain any more ! do you see that , It is all gone .
by the way my wife and I are still together living in the same house and she is as care less as she always is.
one of you had mentioned ,she is lucky that her husband gave her a second chance , and I did too I worked hard to make love deposits despite of my pain. Don't judge me and brand me as a crule husband because I am the best husband and this is not my own comment but my wifes but yet she is still wondering around with the OM.<p>So < I am just saying I am sick and tired of my case and you people with nasty comments are not hellping but the people with great logical comments I truely appreciate and keep them coming.<p>Yours Sincerely,
Bleeding

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>because I am the best husband and this is not my own comment but my wifes but yet she is still wondering around with the OM.<hr></blockquote><p>So you're going to believe your wife?!?!?!? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>bleeding, if you want to be the best husband and you care about your kids, you'll extricate yourself from this current affair and sit on the sidelines (Plan A or Plan B) for a year or so until your wife's affair has had a chance to fizzle out.<p>The way you're feeling is exactly the way someone in an affair feels---your wife included. That's why affairs are so addicitive. But as you can see from these boards, very few affairs turn out to be satisfying marriages (or long term relationships). It'd be terrific to see you save yourself that pain, not to mention dealing with your children in a responsible and loving manner.

<p>[ May 27, 2002: Message edited by: jdmac1 ]</p>

Good grief, bleeding. This is pure, classic WS FOG, and from you, a BS!!! I hope you find a more constructive way to deal with your situation.<p>Estes

And I am a husband who had a wayward wife. She couldn't end her affair---I went through Plan A and B under Steve Harley's guidance. My wife got pregnant by the OM.<p>I now have a reconciled marriage, and an extra child (a beautiful little boy). I know about bleeding. But I also know about recovery. I wasn't easy, but usually things that are worth having don't come easy.

Don't you mean you only want to hear from anyone who might agree with you? BTW there were several men with wayward wives who posted to you and said this was a bad idea. Honestly from the way you post I question if you really are on crack??? Do you realize you are contradicting yourself even in your title? Two WRONGS made a right? You admit that what you are doing is WRONG. That's the gist of it...ignore it if you want...doesn't make it any less wrong. You are being a coward...it will hurt YOU the most in the end.

I don't think anyone said that we hate you. Look back and read our posts carefully. Most of us, if not all, gave you well-wishes for happiness and good fortune.<p>I'd also like to remind you of countless questions we had for you. Notice that many of us asked similar questions.<p>Several of us answered some of your questions, like "why are we doing this?" Cali's thread today is answer enough for me. Her D-day Anniversary is today, and her thread explains the whole POSSIBLE result of Plan A.<p>Here's the questions from caring souls here on this board, that YOU came to for personal support.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
By HotFenceSitter:
In this five months, what did you do to try to improve the marriage? The family? Did you develop a plan to move forward? Did you try to get help for your W? Counseling for anyone?<p>What are you going to tell your kids? Two wrongs make a right? You waited a whole week before having sex with this woman? <p>
By Faith1:
Can you see that you simply put a bandaid on your gaping wound?
What did you learn in those 5 months of suffering? ANything about yourself? ANything about what causes affairs? Anything about repairing a broken relationship?<p>
By Cali:
Success isn't measured by whether or not a marriage survives or recovers, but by the emotional health of the two people. What has been learned? How have the two people learned to be separate yet together? <p>By Miss Priss:
Can you honestly say that you did EVERYTHING that was in your power to save your marriage....that way years down the road you can look back and be happy with your decision instead of saying....I wish I would have tried harder?<p>By Bopp57:
Have you read SAA, HNHN, Love Life for Every Married Couple, The Five Love Languages, Torn Asunder? Any one of these books gives hope to your marriage. Have you read Psalm 34 - what I call "The Psalm for the Betrayed Spouse"? God gives hope to your marriage. Have you prayed? Prayer gives hope to your marriage.<p>You say you love your kids. That they come first. If your child hurt you, by running away, or keeping you from seeing your grand-kids, or even alleging abuse against you (mine did all of these)wouldn't you still forgive them, because you love them unconditionally? Why is your wife any different?
<hr></blockquote><p>And a quote from you:
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
By bleeding:
Tell me what you think and again please don't think I am trying to discourage you from working out your relationships <hr></blockquote><p>You asked for our answers. What did you expect? Hoorays and atta-boys? You also said several things to try to encourage us to give up on our marriages. <p>WHY are you here?<p>No. My marriage didn't survive. But I can look back and feel GREAT about myself, because I did everything I could, and I didn't seek a bandaid. I took medicine. I'm stronger. And I'm still taking it. And it's only going to make me a better partner when the time is right. <p>Do you know the good news for you, though? Even though you used a bandaid, you can STILL RIP IT OFF, and do things the right way.<p>THINK ABOUT IT, OK???<p>[ April 25, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

very nicely stated, Faith...<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

dear bleeding- you feel like a teenager, huh??? well please look at it this way, while you are feeling like a teenager you are making some very important life decisions, and we all know how well teenagers do that right?!?!?!

Thank you faith and the rest for all your comments.
I have worked on my marriage and for some of you to quickly get pissed O>> is wrong.If you have no tolerence to read a realistic posting you should do something else perhaps.
I never said I am proud of what I have done. I know it was wrong but It has made me feel good about myself. this is not about you but me we are talking okay!
I am so sorry for those of you who have worked hard to save their marriages and yet they have ended in a D.
That is very sad but I have a feeling all of us with terbulent relations end in a divorce and why prolong the pain of loving something that is not going to not love us back.
why make all the love deposits when your partner keeps withdrawing and spending on the OM OR OW>
Thats my point, I don't want to convince any of you to end your relations and I am just talking about mine .
so that is all for now .
thank you.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I know it was wrong but It has made me feel good about myself. <hr></blockquote><p>Good Grief, Volume 2. <p>So your mindset is: As long as it makes me feel good, it's wonderful, even though I know full well that it is wrong?<p>Estes

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by bleeding:
<strong>... for some of you to quickly get pissed O>> is wrong.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Exactly **what** about the words ""MARRIAGE BUILDERS"" don't you understand? <p>Oh, I'm suppose to feel bad for hurting YOUR feelings when you come to MARRIAGE Builders and tell us that you've found the illusive key (screwing someone else) to feeling better after your spouses affair??<p>Give me a break!<p>I don't hate you. I don't even hate my ex-H. And I'm newly married...so much for your thought that I (and those of us who ask why you're here) are just bitter divorcee's.<p>There is absolutely NO REASON to have an affair to get through the pain. It's an affair, just as sure as your wife's affair. It's pretty simple, really.<p>If you really do need a pat on the back for your choice to cheat, you might try infidelity.com. They will give you atta boy's and even give you tips to continue the affair, if you so choose.

How can you be absolutely sure that your marriage is beyond repair?<p>Will you still feel convinced it was never repairable in 10 years from now?<p>How are you going to train your children about trying to resolve conflict and keeping committments? When they stand at the alter with their partner are you really going to support them till death do they part, through good and bad? Where is the example for them to learn from? <p>The cycle continues throughout generations unless you are brave enough to break it.<p>Just wondering what sort of example your parents marriage was to you? What did you learn from it?<p>Dancer

BleedingNoMore,<p>I don't know your situation: were you separated/divorcing, living together with your W, or what? The reason I ask is that I actually know exactly how you FEEL right now: I too found that a lot of my pain over my WS ex's actions in the last two years was lifted when I became involved with (just like you said) a wonderful lady. So I know the feeling of freedom, euphoria, and validation.<p>But, I did this only after my ex moved out, filed for divorce, said that there is no chance for reconciliation, and continued with her OM. Oh, and BTW, I actually told her in advance that I will start dating, to avoid lowering myself to her level.<p>Sad thing is that six months later, I ended up regretting this. I didn't regret the relationship, in some way I will always cherish it, but I regret that I got involved so soon with someone. Too many feelings got hurt, mostly hers... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>So, I'm here to say two things to you: 1. Yes, I know how good this feels, after been dragged through the crap by your WS. 2. I hope that you didn't do this behind your W's back... Otherwise, you'll be "BleedingAgain"...<p>Good luck.<p>AGG<p>[ April 25, 2002: Message edited by: AGoodGuy ]</p>

Exactly AGG! I hear ALL THE TIME about someone using someone else to get over the heartbreak and pain of infidelity or divorce...and by using I don't mean it's always intentional. It's a well known fact that the first relationship after any long term relationship breaks up...is a rebound. Evidently that's FINE with bleeding though, as long as his pain is stopped. I have to ask you bleeding...when the pain starts again...after the high goes away...what's the cut off? I mean, is it okay to start drinking? As long as it numbs everything? Is it okay to do drugs? Or how about just having serial relationships? Maybe become an "in love" addict? At some point, you either have to DEAL with the pain in an appropriate manner (counseling and antidepressants) or die. My father chose to kill himself...what a fine example he was. I chose another road...one of learning and growth. You're choosing punishment and blame. Bad choice.

bleeding...<p>I'm a former WS...<p>Don't you see that what happened to you, is what happens to many people who choose to have affairs? They are hurting, they are confused, they have lost hope, and are sometimes even desperate to find happiness again.<p>Than, along comes someone new...someone who makes them feel incredible. Someone who makes them question if they've even known what love really was before. Someone who makes the dull, drab, and hurtful world look vibrant, fun, and happy.<p>I know how you are feeling...I KNOW! I know that you have been down for a long, long time...and the thought of giving something up that makes you happy after being down for SO LONG is incredibly scary to think about. You wonder if this is the person you were always meant to be with? What will happen if you're meant to be with this person and you let them out of your life? Is this your only chance at being happy?<p>I can also tell you this...it's not real...it's not forever. None of it is. It's not even really a quick fix, because of all the damage it will do in the long run. You will look back and hate yourself for what you have done...whether your wife hurt you or not, you are still responsible for your own decisions. Having an affair is so profoundly wrong...but I know it must have come from a painful place inside of you.<p>You must deal with your marriage...either by moving on or by ceasing this affair. It will only make things more and more complicated, and decisions harder and harder to make, the longer you hang on.

Let me make this very, very clear.<p>I met my current H before my divorce was final from my long-term marriage: A REBOUND.<p>I am certainly NOT in the position to judge.<p>My "judgement" if you will comes from a man coming to a MARRIAGE BUILDING site and boasting that he has found "the answer" to healing: getting some lovin' from another woman.<p>Then this guy gets mad and says we're bitter if we don't pat him on the back and thank him for the help! I'm not bitter... I'm irked. <p>And believe me, when I first came back to MB, it wasn't all roses and sunshine for me. I began with an apology - not a WOO HOO, I got laid and look how much better I am than you losers. And even with my apology and embarrassment at my situation, although I was supported for the most part, I was BIG TIME BLASTED by some others.<p>It's taken me months to learn to live in my skin around here. It's taken longer in my life. Rebound relationships are hell. <p>I speak from EXPERIENCE, after the FOG has cleared. I love my H very, very much, but if I had to do it over, I would have waited. I don't think it's a sin to believe that, or to say it.

new_beginning, I can second that.<p>
When I met my current H, I’d been divorced for 3 years. He’s divorce had just been finalized. So our relationship was a rebound one too. So were the ones he was having with the 10 or more other women he met on the internet. Of course I did not know about them. He and I got married after 2 years and he just continued dating the others. <p>He used these women, and probably me too to self medicate, just as you did. The problem is that one lay, one date is not enough. It’s a pretty well known fact that many people sleep around with many, many people after a divorce or a spouse’s affair in this attempt to self medicate.<p>Did you know that somewhere between 50% and 80% of all BS’s end up having secondary affairs? Your ‘cure’ is not unique. And it is known to introduce more problems then it solves. Believe me. If I thought sleeping around and having an affair would make me feel better I’d do it. But I know it would destroy me. And it would destroy the recovery we know have.<p>I too wish I’d waited. I knew better. I knew about rebound relationships but I was foolish, allowed myself to fall in love. I convinced myself that he had recovered from his wife’s affair and his divorce in record time. Yes our marriage is in a good recovery now. But I wish I had waited. I wish I had not been put through this hell while he took the very “cure” you are suggesting.<p>It’s a ‘cure’ that in the end is worse then the ‘disease’. But you will obviously have to learn that for yourself.<p>Some people learn when they are told, “ don’t touch the stove it’s hot”. Others have to touch the stove and burn themselves to believe and learn.<p>You say that you are working to recover your marriage… how are you doing this if you are sleeping around? There are so many contradictions in your story that I’m not sure where you are coming from.