((( J J ))) ..... I love this insight!<p>YOU finally found a way to fit that round peg into a square hole!!! (remember that conversation?) ... by George you've GOT IT!<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>PS ... yes, I think a book discussion would be really neat. Conqueror and Cali are really interested in that book as well.

Hugs back Pepperoni! Yes, I remember that discussion. <p>Now help Sel and I (and the others)
figure out how to stop hating our husbands for avoiding talking....and then because we love them and want a good marriage....we have to talk about talking (especially when they keep telling us not to keep things inside and letting them build up). Did you get that? <p>Enough thinking for today....<p>Love ya,
JJ

So in practical terms, does it mean you and H are now roommates like HoseaandGomer and his W?<p>Joe<p>[ April 27, 2002: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</p>

Include me in that Passionate Marriage group..have reread it recently..does have some good points
T

Coffeeman:
So in practical terms, does it mean you and H are now roommates like HoseaandGomer and his W?<p>I'm gonna wade into this one... because from Selket's post it clearly does not mean that. It means that sometimes we aren't "in-love" with our spouses. End of story.<p>I think I always knew it was 'okay' that I could be so angry with my H... knew it was 'okay' that I didn't always have the "high" feeling of being in love, but after reading the Harleys' stuff, Schnarch's book, the Ruiz books,---the 10 or more books I have read on affairs and relationships, I now know it is HOW I ACT that counts.<p>Can I hold myself together? Can I still treat my H lovingly? Can I treat myself lovingly? Can I NOT be reptilian? That is what counts. That's the courage to love and stick through it... even when it sucks... when you don't feel all lovey-dovey...<p>That's what I appreciate about my H so much... that he's here slogging it out with me... treating me w/ respect... being loving... but still probably not 'in-love' with me. Roommates? Heck no. Roommates can't do each other the way H and I do.<p>Cali (oh, and sign me up for the book discussion... maybe I'll figure out my next crucible).

I'll jump on that one too...I love him like I breathe..however..I also know that without some reciprocal actions...there will be no "in love".<p>I know, without a doubt that we can live in absolute harmony as long as I continue to be loving and open, pay the rent, initiate sex, make all decisions pertaining to my kids (which is my job anyway)..and pretty much expect absolutely nothing from him but a round or two of golf, some interesting conversation, and sex 3-4 times a week... (Yes, I "do" him with eyes wide open) But, to actually expect him to agree, let alone commit to making me feel attractive, admired, or for that matter, much more than a convenience..no..that is asking too much. I have been told many times that his job is his mistress and a very demanding one at that..and that is life and that's the way it will be until he retires in 4 years.<p>I can self soothe until the cows come home...learned how to do that after my divorce..became an expert lately..my point is that not only will the "in love" feelings not re-surface..the basic feelings of love also will decrease. And when we discussed this his reply is that "I can't do anything about that".<p>
Anger...loving someone and being angry at them doesn't scare me. Becoming ambivilent does. Passivity has become my nightmare..his passivity.<p>T

Wow, oh, WOW!<p>What an interesting and insightful thread this is turning out to be. <p>TooMuchCoffeeManJoe~<p>Nope, doesn't mean that at all. I think Cali pretty much summed it up but if there is anything else you would like to ask me, I'll answer you to the best of my ability.<p>Jj, Pepper, Conqueror, Cali, Twyla, and anyone interested~<p>I would love to have a Passionate Marriage discussion thread. Because, you know, I will read something and think I understand it and then someone like Paruil will come along and completely blow my understanding all to hades. I think the discussion would be a most excellent idea.<p>Square peg into a round hole??? LOL! You'd think, as resourceful as we all are, that we'd figure out a way to shave those corners off and MAKE the sucker fit!<p>Twyla~<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I'll jump on that one too...I love him like I breathe..however..I also know that without some reciprocal actions...there will be no "in love".<hr></blockquote><p>BINGO! I would love to have those "in love" feelings back. And, this is about my husband as well because I want him to realize that it's OKAY to not be "in love" all the time and still love. Know what I mean? I don't want him thinking (simply because he doesn't know any better) that you have to be "in love" for there to be love between two people. I just don't want either of us to get into a funk because of misunderstanding.<p>
sel

Selket,
Got some interesting sort of annedotes for you about our talks (and actions) this weekend..u around or still by the pool reading and working out?
Email me.
SPQ-Twyla

I think we all know that you can't always be "in love"...I think we are beginning to realize, esp. us older folk, that missing that feeling, if it hasn't been there in a while, is what leads to a search that usually ends up with an attraction outside of marriage.<p>This is such an epidemic these days, that it must be met and slain. So from that standpoint, while it is not always possible to stay "in love", staying out for too long carries huge risks. I think this is what happened to my W, and I can't tell you, nor can she, the last time she felt in love with me. Thus, I may have lots of work ahead.

Hey, Twyla~<p>I'm here....let's talk.<p>Nope, haven't even been to the pool yet nor have I worked out. Had some suprises this week. Ain't that how things usually go????????????<p>UGH!<p>sel