Still seeking you are spot on and so I will wait a week before implementing full plan B> If I still feel the same then I'll have to make a decsion. In the meantime I'll have a go at writing the necessary letter and have help editing it.
No I'm not in counselling. As a couple we went to RELATE but they told us there was no point coming back until H was willing to change and put into practice some of their suggestions. Have had one session of tel. couns. with Marriage Care but that is it. The rest I get from posting on boards like this and DB which I know isn't professional advice but I do find all the comments helpful to sort out my mind and options.
I'll come back later to read your next question. Jante

I need to talk a little bit before asking you a question. <p>Usually ( but not always ) if a spouse strays there are EN's that are not being met by the other spouse, and / or they have behaviors that drive the other away ( Love Busters) . <p> Sometimes however, a person just has a character defect and they don't function in society as a normal person. In other words, some chase after other people through no fault of their spouse. <p>I don't know what happened in your marriage. I do think that if you have identified anything that you may have done, or not done that contributed to the problem that you should make sure that it is fixed, or changed before you go to plan B. <p>I believe that if you do not, you would feel guilty about it for a long time. <p>Now, having said that, you seem like a caring, thoughtful person and I would suspect that you would have already thought of this, and taken care of it long ago if it needed attention. <p>I have noticed as I have read some thousands of posts on this board that many times it is very easy to tell from a persons writing style, and what they say, that they have perhaps more problems than the spouse that is the supposed "WS". I have said to myself sometimes " this person needs a lot of help if they ever expect to reconcile. "<p>In your case I can't see any weakness at all. You seem to have everything covered, have thought about your options, and made good decisions. <p>So, having said all that, is there anything you need to change about yourself before you move to plan B? ( that's my question ) <p>If there is, you should probably do that first. <p>If not, and you still feel the same in a few weeks, then my opinion is to go ahead with it. Neither you nor I can foresee the future, we can't tell what will happen with your Marriage, but I think plan B would be your next step

Thanks SS_ now to your questions.
When we went to MC H raised 2 issues in which he said I hadn't met his needs.
1. He said he always felt that my love making was done out of duty not love. When he said that I had 2 reactions first to deny it and secong to ask him to let me prove otherwise. However by that time H was living away and refused physical contact of anytype.C asked some very searching questions and then told him that I seemed to be " the perfect wife and therefore she really doidn't know why he felt like that. Obviously if he truly feels like that and refuses to let me near him talk alove won't accomplish anything. 2. Liked with the first he viewed me as not meeting his needs for physical contact ie cuddling and hands holding. Too a certain extent he was right but again I insisted I could change but hes pushed me away and not let me meet that need.<p>I'm not the perfect wife and I would see my main defect in the M as being depressed over last 2 years before he left- this was unrecognised at the time but has now been treated and I';m much better.
I long for hugs, to hold his hand be kissed ( Oh yes that was anotyher area I failed in it seems I'm not very good at kissing- I have hangups from past which meant deep kissing was something I found off putting . H hadn't mentioned it as a problemn until after A started and I did try to deal with it then. Agan as he won't let me kiss him now I'm stuck.) And sex is something I miss as well.
I have fantasies sometimes about flinging myself on him - naked! But as yet haven't found courage to face possibler rejection. ITs certainly not something in my character!!
I think that covers most things. Jante

Sounds like I was correct. You have done what you could do. <p>BTW, that question was mostly for you to answer for your own self. I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable. <p>There is one more thing that you might try before plan B. <p>Some have had success with a Plan A letter. ( I can't remember if you had ever brought up that you had done it.) That would be where you wrote a letter including these points. <p>1. You still love him.
2. You have studied, and learned how to be a better wife.
3. The marriage could still work and be even better than it was.
4. He would need to come home to see if that is true.
5. It would take some time to see, say about a year.
6. That would solve a lot of his troubles. <p>And any other things you think he might react well to. <p>You may have already tried this in other ways - conversation ? e-mail? <p>I am just thinking and typing, it just seems you deserve to be happy. That is all else that comes to mind. <p>Whether you do Plan A or B letter, don't send it by post to his home. OW might get it and put it in the rubbish bin. Find a way to make sure he gets it. <p>SS

Thanks SS I do appreciate your input and you didn't make me uncormfortable.
I sent a plan A style letter in the first days of knowing about A and before H moved out. Since I have occasionally sent letters expressing my continued love of him- which he has acknowledged receiving though not the content- but not for about 3 months and not in depth suggested. I will aDD THIS into melting pot of prayer. Jante.

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

[img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]
Ha !

Hey J !
(can I call you J? ) <p>Have a nice weekend. I usually just post at work. ( I own it, so I can - without cheating my boss.) <p>Tell me one thing you are going to do for yourself this weekend - something you want do do "just because." Then do it. I probably won't see your reply until Monday. But do it anyway. <p>Do you have good friends, ( not just people you know, I mean that you spend regular time with?)<p>Do you have family close that you spend time with? <p>Do you have a hobby ? You need to do something besides take care of the boys, work and keep house. What are you doing for you? <p>SS

Hi SS and yes you can call me J.
This w/e I am going to stay at my sisters and we are going to go to theatre on Saturday night having been shopping in the daytime.
In answer to question yes I do have some very good friends I can spend time with. One of my close friends from when I lived in Scotland visits her mum about 40 miles from me three times a year. When she does we get together and this Sunday is one of those occasions.So weekend is going to be real 'me' time. H is staying at my house with the children and dog.
Hope you have a good weekend. Jante

[img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

Well had a lovely time yesterday- spent the princely sum of £13.50 on 2 pairs of triousers and three new tops!!
Then went to the theatre in evening to see a musical. Wonderful production. Spent today out in the beautiful derbyshire countryside just exploring and enjoying my own company until time to meet my friend for coffee and chat for an hour. Got back with just enough time to take H to train station. He and the kids had been to see new Star Wars movie and had built me a new wardrobe ( I need it for all my nrew clothes LOL)
Strange feeling while I was out walking- saw a number of couples and started daydreaming of being out walking with someone- only the persons face was fuzzy no longer definitely H's. Found it a little disconcerting. Will continue to p0onder my best next move. Jante

I am glad you enjoyed yourself this weekend. I feel you need to do it on a regular basis - as often as you can while still taking care of other things in your life (like the boys.) <p>I don't have any real advice for you today. And no questions. Remember that God knows what we need and never makes a mistake. As you seek him in prayer and do what you know is right, he will guide you to do the correct thing. <p>I feel bad for your husband if he looses you. I feel bad for the happines you have lost. I hope you find a great deal of happines in the midst of your pain. God grant that you are and will be happy. Praying for you.
ss

Thanks SS you gave me a boost when i NEEDED IT.
This coming weekend I plan to go out and do something for me. For 2 weeks after that H is away sailing so won't be visiting the children but then I have another weekend away planned with other people in UK who post on Divorce Busters. That should be a fun weekend. No moans about S allowed. Jante

I remember reading once that you were going to meet an old school friend. ( I think it was you.) <p>It seems like some here were worried for you.
Did you? Was it a nice visit?

Hi SS, I had a tentative invitation to dinner if an old male school friend was in the area- but nothing has ever happened there which is probably
for the best- I used to get emails from him about once every six weeks but haven't heard from him for two months. I have met with an old female friend and we had a pleasant time but haven't heard from her since so perhaps she didn't enjoy it as much as I did!
Thanks for caring Jante

Hi, Jante, <p>It is probably well that you did not see him. I suspect it's hard when you desire company.<p>I don't have a clue about your female friend. Have you contacted her? Perhaps she is thinking the same as you are, and waiting for you to make contact. I am pretty wrapped up in my children's lives, and sometimes don't reply to my friends in a timely manner. I still live in the same town that I was born in and have some contact with many of them. <p>It is interesting that H helped with the wardrobe. Not the kind of thing one normally hears from the WH. I have to wonder what he is thinking. It seems like he enjoys familiar things and doesn't want to leave you out of his life completely. <p>Sounds like you had a nice time. Are you and your sister close? I have two brothers here and see them often. My parents are both still alive also and we see them almost weekly. I have never heard you comment about your parents ( not that I recall anyway.) <p>I am thinking that it has been a long time now for you. You have to wonder when / if your marriage will ever be restored. I would suppose it would be hard to maintain a good attitude. (but you seem to be able to most of the time.) I know you are thinking about plan B. I wonder if it would be possible to do it in stages. Or at least do a little right away to see if he reacts. <p>Just tell him plainly that he has been gone a long time and that you are thinking of moving on. That you think it would be wise if contact was reduced. Explain that you are not going to be there many of the times when he visits, that he will have to come by himself and let himself in. (perhaps he already does?) No, I see from above that you took him to the train station. Perhaps he could be responsible to do it himself? <p>I get the idea that you are a kind, caring person and try to help him in any way you can. It would be hard for you not to help him, talk to him and so on if you are there when he is. It would probably be easier to be absent than to try and withdraw while he is there. <p>I see a lot of plain plan B letters but if I was writing it,I think I would preface it with a love letter. ( I love you, etc., etc., but . . . <p>Sorry I go on so long sometimes. You know that we observe, offer suggestions, and want to help. But God is the only one that knows. <p>Keep that stiff upper lip. <p>. . . .met girl friend for coffee ? what happened to tea? (sorry, just struck me. ) <p>SS<p>[ May 20, 2002: Message edited by: still seeking ]</p>

Hi SS and thanks.
Yes I have emailed the friend back and she was also suppose to send me an address for another friend who we were at school with and whose birthday it is next week.However she did give me her home address so I think I'll write aand stamp a card and send it with a message to friend. I get on very well with my sister who lves close to me- our parents D when I was 17 and my father died 11 years ago. My mum still lives in our home town 100 miles away. I see her about once every 6 weeks. We have a younger sister who lives in home town we have an ok relationship- not likely to go shopping with her though.
I am distancing myself from H without doing a full plan B yet. NO letter sent yet and no comment just being less available and seeing what happens. Didn't find the courage to do full plan B. Jante

Hi Jante, <p>You have to have sad times, as we all do, but you always seem to be in good spirits. That says much about what kind of person you are. In your first posts, you seemed to have more fear, I don't see any of that now. God must be working in your life and that is good. <p>Have your prayers given you any direct answers yet? <p>Hope the children were well behaved today. <p>SS

Thanks for your kind words SS> I have had God give me scriptures to hold on to as I pray for my marriage and I believe that my move back to England was a miraculous answer to prayer- I got a job and house sorted and moved into in less than 3 months. God is good and when I feel like throwing in the towel He keeps me standing in faith for the vows I took before Him. Jante

Hi J, Good evening. <p>My clock shows it is about 10:30 am here, but about 5:50 pm in GB. <p>So where did you live before moving back? <p>Hope today was a nice day for you. Did H visit last night? If so, do you have any comments? <p>If I was a close friend of yours, and had known you for many years, would I think you were shy? <p>SS