Hi SS and thanks,
You are very welcome and I enjoy speaking with you.
yes I am not putting too much pressure on myself to make a decision as I know when he time is right it will come. I think part of my searching for what is right comes out of he need to have a vision for my future and something to plan toward and there not being anything at the moment just a black hole!!
That is consistant with your personality and training. I don't mean to reduce things to a formula, it's just that I can't see you reacting any other way. I only know you from a short time ago but can see that you have had major projects going since the separation. First a major upheaval to move, get a job, and adjust to being apart. Then you embarked on learning about marriage and what you could do to save yours. Through it all, you attended classes to upgrade your job skills so you could get a better job.
Right now, there is nothing like those things to put all your energy into and you feel lost. I still feel you should just wait, at least to the end of Oct. If you just can't stand it, find a short term project like reading the Bible and getting closer to God that you can concentrate on until it is clear to you what needs to be done.
However i am leaving it in Gods hands while researching my options.
Interesting that you include both of these things in that one sentence. Like I said, you wait, but you are still "researching my options." I bet you have a hard time sitting still in the Doctors office waiting room. ( I am teasing, but on the whole, this is intended as a compliment.) I have a great deal of respect for you.
T spends time with the children in a variety of ways- but for the most part theses days if he's at my house the children are out with friends and he sits around .
My first thought is that he is really coming to see you. What do you do when he is sitting around? My second thought is that he is a confused man and it's worse than I thought.
I hope you don't mind if I just give some of my feelings about what happens when people do really bad things. When we are trying to do right, we have a two way thing going with God. We reach for him, ( and this applies to people that don't know God, he helps them if they do the best with what they know to be right) he gives back to us. He gives abilities, he gives faith, he gives us greater desire to do good. When we do something we know to be wrong, we loose that help. We are lost, we loose faith, we don't have the drive to do even normal things we used to do. We are left to ourselves and often it is not fun. It applies to our family relationships, our work, the whole fabric of our life. A very strong dynamic person can go on sometimes almost normally. But most of us can't and we falter and our lives start to show the effects of our "sin." You may also notice that he is not as happy as he used to be and he does not know why.
They had a week with him in Scotland and he took them off doing things but took friends with them so I got the feeling he spent little actual time with the children as individuals. Its sad because prior to separation he used to spend time with the boys individually doing things and talking.
I suppose that is a good example of it, he has lost his way. How can he speak to them and encourage them to do right when he is such a negative example? He can't and he doesn't know what do, or say. He can encourage to behave in school, but what about attending church, praying, doing Gods will. He can't talk about those things, and it is hurting him more as it goes along.
Now a lot of what he says to the boys is misunderstood by them.
They only see that he left them, they can't separate that from all the rest of him and understand. If he does not return, it will take them many years to love and trust him as sons should a father. I think if he does return, it can be repaired within a few years.
J, you need to think some what on your options should he express a desire to come back.
It will not be easy to let someone return that has almost wrecked your life. You may find it more difficult to let him return than it was to let him leave, and your feelings were pretty strong at that time. I have wondered how T will bridge that gap between where he is, and where he will need to be. How would his pride let him ask to return? It may be up to you to do that also, to find a way to have the "return" conversation with him. Are you up to it?
So, what have you found out from God about yourself in the last few months? Has he taught you some things that you were surprised to learn? Have you learned any more about God?
Don't you hate it sometimes the way I change the subject every other sentence?
I hope you have a very rewarding weekend and that the boys are perfect. I hope they eat every thing on their plate without prompting, do their work on their own, and don't argue with you or between them selves. I hope they ask permission when they leave home, and return on time. Perhaps that is a little much to wish for, but we might as well aim high.
SS
