trying to give walk away wife her space. (living with boyfriend from work. he is out going, fun, bla bla bla. I have our three kids. tons of pressure. I am trying to follow all the rules and give her space not talk about relationship, just trying to be her friend. in the 5 minutes a week I see her. At times i feel as if she sees me as weak and giving up easily, nothing is further from the truth) I feel as if I need to make her sit and talk about us. HELP PLEASE! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

Welcome, Chris - right off the bat, forget for now any thoughts of trying to talk sense into her. You'd have more of a chance talking sense into a Tickle Me Elmo.<p>So, instead, read around this site an absorb as much info as you can. Concentrate on you and your kids. Leave her alone in LaLa Land. There is nothing you can do to discourage the infidels. They have to do this on their own and they'll take their own sweet time.<p>Once you've read up on Plan A/B and browsed this site, come back to us with specific questions and a more detailed description of your circumstances and you'll be in the best possible hands.

Personally, I don't think that's a very good idea. She probably won't say much to make you feel any better and she will defend her actions.<p>I would think too, that at this stage in your relationship, you are unlikely to have a discussion. It may start that way, but it will inevitably end up in a battle.<p>Here are some valuable tips from www.divorcebusting.com<p>1. For walkaways you must understand the actions and behaviors that created the climate for their flight.<p>2.You have not only to change those behaviors but actually live them as well. Change does not come overnight but will eventually take root once they are being lived daily. Change is painfull and as humans being we tend to resist and fight againgst it. We need to overcome our internal resistance.
Love changes because it must...it will stagnate and die without change.<p>3. You can only control your actions. You cannot to control theirs. Move quickly into acceptance of the changed marital situation,(that does not mean you are giving up..it does not mean you have to like it) just dont try to "fight" against it.<p>4. You cannot control the situation you are in but you can choose how you react in it.Know that what ever the outcome of the it will be on your partners time frame more than yours. Know also that whatever the outcome you will be alright.<p>5 Anything you do or say through the process might be remembered NEVER SPEAK IN AN ABSUSIVE WAY..Worsd said in haste and anger cannot ever be taken back.If you are in a heated argument that threatens to topple over into angry hurtful accusations and name calling, call for a time out...excuse your self and remove yourself from the battleground until you and your partner have cooled down. Dont get bent out of shape about what your partners say they "intend" doing. Dont get yourself into needless arguments over this. Saying they are going to do something and actually doing it are not the same thing. One can intend doing something for a long time before they ever get round to actually doing it, sometiemes if ever at all.(Roll with the punches,let a lot of the "verbal" stuff roll like water of a ducks back)<p>6. Become the man or woman your spouse would never think of leaving. The man or woman that all their friends and support group would in times of crisis drive him/her back to you.<p>7. Listen and observe to every last detail from your H or W. Listening is the first duty of love.
Listen not only with your ears but your eyes and mind as well.<p>8. IF you are ever unsure how to act then DONT. When in doubt leave it out. Always act in your own best interest.(as defined by you in your best interests).ACT dont REACT. Before doing anything,think about what it is you are trying to achieve. Think about what the consquences will be if your follow a certain course of action. Try to envision the outcome...does it get you the best result?...<p>9. When things dont seem to be going well resasses and redefine your short term goals.<p>10. Live in positive times, keep positive filters on. "Act as if"..Keep your sense of humour intact
Learn to laugh at your own foibles. Keep things in perspective and dont get caught up and overwhelmed in your own melodrama.(Keep a sense of perspective about your partners antics..they also can have a funny side although it may not seem like it at the time and when you are hurting...)<p>11. Accept that it takes time. Patience like humour is an ABSOLUTE MUST. "Happy" is Attractive as is "Independant and Confident".Maintain good and polite eye contact and SMILE. <p>12. Accept that no matter what the outcome YOU are a good person and you have done your best. At the end of the day we must live with ourselves.If spouse still will not return then is was not meant to be,but you will have grown and gained so much for experience.<p>
SOME MANDATORY DO'S<p>-Be patient, time is an ASSET and your ALLY even when it seems to be killing you.<p>-Listen carefully to what your spouse is REALLY saying to you.(But dont get bent out of shape by stated "intentions" or hung up on the words,..try to reconnect and listen on the emotional level...)<p>-Learn quickly that anger is your enemy.(unless it is a significant 180 for you(.. Know that it is not important to win every battle only the overall campaign. Diffuse arguments with time outs...and(if your partner says somthing that is hurtful or you dont agree) with expressions like.."I am sorry you feel that way"..."Yes I can see how you might think that"...etc.<p>-Learn quickly to BACKOFF, shut up walk away when you want to speak out. Think before you act and then act only in your best interests.<p>-Take care of yourself, Exercise, sleep laugh, and focus on all the other chances in your life that are not in turmoil.<p>-Be cool,strong confident and speak softly and temperately. Dont use inflammatory words. Use "cool or nuetral" words in your self talk.
"Hot" words can work againgst you because they can put you in a "reactive" frame of mind.(Get you worked up..which is no good at all if you need to communicate with your partner.<p>-Know that if you can do a 180, your smallest actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. Nothing occurs in a vacumn.<p>
SOME MANDATORY DONT'S<p>-Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever.Clinging is a turn off as is begging and pleading.....<p>-Do not focus on your self when communicating with your spouse. Focus on them and what they are saying. Validate their thoughts and in particular their "feelings".Dont argue against their feelings.Dont try to convince them they are wrong to feel the way they do.<p>-Do not believe any of what you hear(as regards their future intentions, your place in their life,their future plans,how wonderful the OP is, the hopelessness they see about your marraige etc...this stuff has to be gone through in order to come out the other side.. ...much of what is said at this time is "feeling" stuff being processed..) and only half of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they maybe hurting and scared. Dont use "Hot or imflamatory" words like "Betrayed" or "Adultery" when talking with them. <p>-Dont snoop.Dont read emails or letters etc inteneded for their eyes only. Dont pry into or read private journals.Dont rummage through bags and pockets in clothing.Dont expect to get honest answers or appologies about affairs at this time(if ever.)<p>-Dont focus on the OM or OW. Dont get into direct confrontations with them.Dont let the other person see you sweat and for that matter your partner.Talk only in polite kind terms of the other person to your partner.(But better yet dont speak of them at all if possible.) Dont fool yourself into thinking that they are responsible for your marital problems...thay are at best a symptoms.Even if they if they were not on the scene then someone else would have been eventually, you still need to find out what you need to do to make your relationship work.<p>-Dont moralise or act self righteous...dont quote "scripture" or "expert" opinion at your partner. And beware of hypocrisy.Dont fall into the trap of condemning them for everything
.people make mistakes and no one is perfect
Look to your own faults first before sitting in judgement of them.Dont try to "Guilt" them.If your partner returns soley out of guilt and postive change has not been made by you THEY WILL NOT STAY. Forget all these kinds of pressure tatics.<p>-Dont act in haste or the heat of the moment,decision made when you feel emotional will generally be poor ones.Try not backslide from your hard earned changes.(although when you do regroup and start again quickly).<p>-Dont needlessly iniate OR talks if they have become a power struggle which will further push away your spouse. OR talks are generally better avoided unless in your situation they work and your partner is receptive.<p>-Stop being so available (physically and emotionally), give them lots of time and space, stop expressing your interest so dramatically, Dont act deperate, needy, whiney,or miserable when in contact with them, remain upbeat. Dont beg or plead for second chance's. Be somewhat aloof and cool but still polite and friendly.Dont keep telling them your feelings.They already know them.<p>-Establish independence again "with style" not in an angry or dramatic way, dont try to get in their head,dont try to sway them with logic and brillant arguement,if confronted with rejection dont take it personally, take the body blows smiling.Learn to act not react. Motion before emotion.<p>-Dont act as if all is doom and gloom. Dont mope about looking at old photo's or listeningt to tragic songs. Get out of the house,get a smile on your face. Workout,diet, get new clothes, haircut, and be happy when they see you.....be less predictable and generate an air of mystery about yourself.Retain a sense of optimism and hope....<p>-Dont ever act against your best interests. Before you do anything...ask yourself what is it I am trying to achieve.?.is this the best way to go about it or does it harm my chances of achieving a good outcome?.<p>Remember humans beings are not perfect so it is crazy to believe they will act perfectly,remain committed perfectly,talk and discuss perfectly or love perfectly.

Thanks, I have printed this off of the DB site. I am attempting to have the as if attitude, lbut once again this past weekend she drew me into somewhat of an OR discussion. we were at her car with the boys inside she made comments alont the lines of you never cared you were never there, how dare you say anything about me with someone else, have you told the kids about all your affairs in our living room with the internet? I took a step towards her and she took a step back so I knealt down in front of her car. I told her I did not show it well but I have always cared, I have always loved you and I always will. I told her I understand why she feels the way she does and I am sorry that she feels that way. She commented that the past week had been all bad news. I said I wish there was something I could do or that she would let me be there for her. I told her that I have discussed thie internet with the kids, ask them what I said to them. She threw out the D her A. Always brings them up.

bump^
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So I have read plan A, it seems to be for people who are communicating. We do not see each other or talk. on the weekends we breifle see each other and if we talk she just gets upset. I try to stay out of the ralationship discussion but it seems to go there. after reading some of the other info here it seems she is trying to pull me into conflict,which according to the doc is a good thing, I am somewhat confused as all the other info I get is to avoid conflict, stay away from these discussions. The doc says this is the first step of reconcilliation. I know she is set on divorce and think she is getting caring affection, intellectual discussion, recreation. and all the other stuff I did not provide. So is she unknowlingly drawing me into confrontation to find if I have really changed? I am working on me now but most of the plan A and B seems to be for people who are actually speakin and both want the marriage to work. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

ANY ADVICE? LADIES? [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

More advice please.

Still looking for more goood advice! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

just spoke to wife and I really want to to her to stuff it, and have a nice life with that dirt bag.
HELP!!! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

Deep breaths to start!!<p>Yeah, Plan A isn't for wimps, but it is an important part of the equation...<p>Think of it this way if you like... you could kick her sorry butt out of the M and just be done with it... but then you lose your options. Keeping her engaged in the M by doing Plan A gives YOU some power, some choices later on, when the A is dying or has died.<p>Basically, if you LB and LB, or pursue and pursue, both behaviors are definitely going to end the M. That's why so many do end in Dv... because it's the natural human behavior to do either or both of these things. So Plan A is totally contrary to instinct - but it has the best option for success.<p>Now that doesn't mean that Plan A leads directly to the end of the A... I'm saying that NOT Plan A'ing often does. And Plan A lays a foundation for Plan B... Just keep that one in mind for later!

Sorry no one responded sooner. Sometimes We (I) am slow. <p>
We can't change our spouse. We can only change ourselves and hope they react well to it. <p>So, you need to decide what you are going to do.
Do you want to save your marriage? What if it's hard? It might not work. But, then again, it might work. <p>If you do want to save it, then start your plan A. Get "Surviving an Affair " (this site or other bookstores. ) <p>There is a lot you can find out from this site.
Here is a place to start. <p>Wat's Guide<p>Read all you can read, it helps. <p>As far as the pain, and hurt. Each day gets a little better. You just have to outlast it.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by chrisneilsen:
<strong>ANY ADVICE? LADIES? [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hey Chris,<p>She is no doubt trying to bait you into a confrontation to prove what a [censored] you are. She needs to prove you are an S.O.B. to justify her actions. Just don't take the bait and don't give her any ammunition.

up

Question fotr the ladies. What mens colonge is the most sexually attractive? (I only plan on wearing it when I am going to see my wife.)

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by chrisneilsen:
<strong>Question fotr the ladies. What mens colonge is the most sexually attractive? (I only plan on wearing it when I am going to see my wife.)</strong><hr></blockquote><p>The hottest cologne I have ever smelled on a man and that never fails to make me melt is Christian Dior's Fahrenheit. It doesn't smell that great at first glance but once it's on, it has the most awesome smell!

Thanks M.

still looking for more input, wife is becoming just like to person she is with. she now likes motorcycles, bla bla bla. out playing every weekend. I seem to be slipping back into depression. I cannot get her off my mind

Still seem to be thinking of her all day, how do I break away?

Hi Chris, <p>The way you break away is with a plan. <p>You start a new life without her. You can always take her back if it works, and if it doesn't, you are on the road to being an independant, loving, caring, has-it-together person. <p>Write down some things you are interrested in that you have always wanted to do. Write down things you can do with Children. If you own home, write down improvements you can afford that you want to do. Places you want to visit, hobbies you want to start. Study the book Lovebusters - figure out your weaknesses, write a plan for getting rid of them. <p>Then get a calander and scedule them in, learn about them, think about them. Get children invoulved, read to them, teach them skills. <p>Channel your thoughts and time into these things. Post here helping others, study old threads for ideas. Keep busy so you don't have time to worry. <p>Keep checking in with us, tell us how you are feeling, what you are doing. History says someday A will end. If you want to be there when it does, you will be a new and improved person that she will want, if you seek D and find someone else, you will still be new and improved. <p>It's hard, none of this will make it easy. But it will be possible to cope and you will get through it. <p>All the best,
SS