I know I have already posted on this.. but after thinking the a ended , dating my h.. and then getting sick of his wanting to be living alone yet still see me.. but not work on marriage.. I am feeling so weak and so much less strong.. <p>I know his being with a foreign housekeepere with whom he cannot even really talk with is an issue... for him.. he wants power, admiration and respect.. he wants someone to look up to him... <p>How can I when he does these things.. tongiht I have emailed him about how I want to work things out and how his continuing more affairs is hurting us and why is he doing this? <p>Now it is as if.. we are back to squar e4 one as his brain below the waist draws him into his new sexual encounters with this extremely respecting and appreciattive housekeeper... for his affections.. he must seem like a millionaire to her! To me he is my h who needs to grow up and be responsible and stop acting like this..<p>I know I am not doing right.. look it is 117 am here.. since around 11 I have been reading torn assunder , then some of the language of letting go... got a little stronger.. then I tried to call him.. no answer.. then I started to imagine him with her.. then I had a beer.. then I cried some more.. did not mention I alraedy cried.. I left a message explaining my pain in tears.. I cried some more.. I sent email apologizing for my mpart in the marriage problems before the a.. I asked why he cannot work on m? and why things have to be this way!? <p>I want him to come home.. obviously this does not work... well maybe... <p>but when he was with ow number 1 my phone calls explaining my love and pain and letters were actually welcomed and I think helped woo him my way... but what am I wooing..? someone who wil go for another ow in a snap>.? who is this man... <p>he wanted me to clean his house.. I sd no trying to be strong and started to retreat as he could not go to counseling or work on m.. the way I needed.. <p>he keeps saying I will not change I am selfish.. etc.<p>I need a good sign.. haveing a housekeeper steal my husband feels even worse.. althought I do not think he will marry her.. but there is always a chance.. it is like he wants a heirom... sp> his dad had many women and he seems to think it is the norm...<p>he still tries to be nice.. yet pushes and pulls.. come here, go away..<p>I know he is confused.. but I am going nuts with my sadness..<p>OK, can I be more depressed,... I won the first battle.. or part of it.. and now I am down again.. I just can't handle this.. I can;'t handle being the trash he threw out with flies all over it..??<p>Any help... <p>I know I am losing it,, I have had some happiness .. actually earlier today I was feeling great at lunch having fun with all my houston friends.. now here I am at home , friday night, crying my eyes out.. <p>and tommorow morning I have lasik surgery.. pray for me I will be ok through it.. I get scared, nervous.. I feel like such a baby.. I wish my h was taking me.. my sister is taking me and my parents are watching the kids.. no more need for glasses unless some day I need reading ones.. thanks! I am sorry I sound so low.. I have been crying at least 1.5 hours tonight.. <p>feeling way sad, not mad.. feeling bad about me and that I messed up andt hat is why we are here.. I could of been a better wife and I know it.. same goes for him.. but why does he only point at me.. and never look at his part.. and how he is destroying us beyond belief.. will he only realize what he lost when I am gone... I feel if I get to the divorce stage.. I will have to heal and go on.. as I would not want to get so emotional again over this stuff. but I want my family back.. sad sad asd... and I feel stupid stupid stupod... like an idiot for wanting a man back who has treated me so badly and hurt me so much???? <p>Honey [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi there Honey! now I hope that you are in bed by now & getting some rest for your surgery tommorow.<p>I really feel for you, I sure know all about the endless tears & feelings of hopelessness BUT you have to try very hard to not let your H know you are upset. The one thing i notice with my H if I am cool calm & collected (& yes It is acting for me) he actually seems to want to be around me & if he sees i have been crying he avoids me like the plague unfortunately it took me a long time to be able to do that but I can manage to hold myself together. I know it must be very hard for you right now but focus on your children & yourself at this time your H is in a fog as they call it & if he can hurt you by being with another W he is not even going to take any notice if you are crying your eyes out it will have the opposite effect on him please try & get some rest, can anyone have your children so you can get away for a break for a while & focus on you I know it's very hard but the more you focus on the OW the more you are bringing her to his attention. Well thats what i believe anyway. I just saw your post & saw what the time is over there it's 9pm Sat nite here in NZ so thought I would pop in & say hi.
I hope i have been a little bit of help to you, it's always so bad when you are alone & the tears start to flow but remember help is only as far away as the key board & this website. the people here are great they have helped me a lot & also if you can put your focus on coming here to vent instead of doing it at your H I am sure it will benefit you in the long run. NOW LISTEN TO ME BIG DEEP BREATH, PUT A SMILE ON YA DIAL & good luck for your op 2morrow you will look fantastic with or without ya glasses because if you can work on you it will show no matter what thats when H will suddenly sit up & take a look at what he's doing with his life. Good luck to you... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

thanks for the reply, I know it does no good.. I was actually feeling better earlier yesterday... sitting around crying and wishing my h was home with me does no good at all... it just made me more and more depressed... <p>up with cartoons and getting my boys dressed.. not much sleep.. but about 5 hrs... <p>so I know I will be tired tonight.. <p>I am so sad about ow #2, 2 in a row? I know I need the sex addict co dependent meeting... I am just so sad.<p>thanks, H

A few questions for you.<p>What is the end result you are hoping to achieve here?<p>What about your current actions or state of mind do you feel is going to get you there?<p>The reason I ask is because you've been told over and over and over again, and ignored over and over and over again, that the focus needs to be on you. That means that when you post here, you post about getting support to help you NOT call into his voicemail to snoop, or NOT call him for any particular reason. It means your posts aren't constant play by plays about this woman or that woman or him doing this or that. Because he's an adult and will do whatever he will do. You can't control him. As another posted to you before...who the H3!! is honey? All we see here is who your husband is.<p>As far as what you want from your marriage...to be loved and protected...well, that's sweet thought, and I think all of us would like to feel that way in a marriage. But it's also a little "juvenile"...because I think that as an ADULT with CHILDREN you need to be able to love and protect yourself just as well as any other person on the planet. Until you feel strong and able enough to do that, you aren't ready for marriage to anyone.<p>It's time to grow up and become emotionally healthy. You are only a continued victim if you allow yourself to be. Good luck.

thnks for the advice and support... working on me... yes I am!<p>I went to cosa meeting sun. night, and topic was control ... great for me... I am again focusing on letting go... !<p>went to alanon tonight... topic was on a tradition, not sure.. arrived late... the greatest good for the greatest number I think and keeping to alanon only in alanon... good ideas...<p>I guess I am not helping anyone by coming here and whining and venting and I know it does not look like I am improving... I know I should get a sponsor in my program)s now... I think I will soon... I just need to get to know people a little better and find the right sponeree... or maybe I need a temporary sponsor... <p>tomorrow during lunch I plan to go to another cosa meeting that is on issues and money... which I do face.<p>I know my control freak attitude to fix my h.... lately... and now I start to see... I had become crazier than ever and moer depressed than ever.. no wonder my h wants away from me... I want to tell him exactly what to do and how to live his life... NOW this is not who I was... when I met him... ! at all... but when I saw how irresponsible he is.. and lived with his irrresponsible attitude and non problem solving lifetsyle... well... I went out to fix it...<p>NO, that does not work.<p>I do not like being told how to fix my life... and neither does he. I see this better now...<p>H and I actually had dinner... sun. night... I was very calm... dinner with kids... he watched kids while I went to cosa... I asked him to consider going to that or aa.. he is considering it... still says job and roommate come before anything else in his life.<p>I had eye surgery sat and have been recovering ,,... my vision is already 20-20... today I took a long hot bath to make me feel good... tonight I went to meetting and have been reading and spending time with my buddy who is 3 1/2...he wont leave my side.. he sits in a chair with blankie next to computer while I type... what a friend... <p>I plan to start doing things I want to do again! WOW! <p>I am focusig on a 25 pound weight loss... and exercising daily and getting my home in order...<p>truth is my life is unmanagable.. I have neglected myself for a long time and it is showing... my back injury did not help... but I have to take better care of me to get better.. it is sad.. that I have neglected myself... there are several areas of me that show this...<p>my teeth... need to floss more... sad, but true.. working on this issue of self care... also a few dental issues being taken care of.. not bad... but cosmetic.. whitening and a new crown... from an accident... <p>nails need to be done...<p>today I did give scrubs and sea salt massage to my rough skin and feet... that was nice... <p>What else do I need to work on? I need to get back to doing more stuff I used to do for me... it is like I have the mom syndrome.. and the alcoholic wife syndrome all mixed up together... <p>My H actrually complains I do not take good enough care of me... actually truth is... my eyes have some scars and ulcers from going to bed with my contacts in.. why... I am so busy taking care of everyone else >.. I fall asleep exhausted after I get my baby to sleep.... <p>I am having to draw some boundaries with my 3 yr. old.. but difficutl , he is still sleeping with me... I admit I like the company, expecially since I am alone here..b ut it gets difficult to put up with him all the time...!<p>I am also going to a support group for women on thursday night who have abusive husbands.. this I feel a bit quilty about... but I do believe I qualify... I have been physically abused.. not much... but very very much emotionally abused, and that has been horrible... horrible horrible... my h has called me names.. over and over , mad fun of me... put me down for mere bodily functions, called me fat and I am a size 8... bvasically taken every little preoblem I ever had.. and every little thing I ever did to him and blew it up proportionately... <p>today he actually told me.. that ... I did cause almost all of the problems in the marriage and that he believes it.. funny some days he says it is 50/50, others he has even said that he thinks I am too good for him? <p>Of my many counselors I have tried... one said wait and see if he says the same thing for a 90 day period to see if he means it... <p>LIving with an alcoholic is so difficult... actually truthfully I can be happy that many of his issues are out of my home... I still love him.. that is the hard part... I just do not want my kids.. repeating his behaviros as they grow up... and my only hope.. supposedly for his recovery is that I take care of me and not him...<p>why am I such a giver... I know I give to the point of complete and total self neglect.. that is why I am so angry... I feel like... I gave you this and this and this... I gave you my life... to take care of you... and all I get is you being angry for it...?? Well I guess he did not ask me to take care of his life, right?<p>I do not know where h got this idea... but he keeps telling me.. you were painting my house blue and I wanted it red - no doubt OW???? or maybe even he made it up><p>
thanks for reading anyone... I know this is all over the place and lingering.. perhaps I need to find my journal... jouranling does help... <p>there is just so much confusion... I try to be a good christian, good wife, good mom... does someone who loves someone be so demanmding that they stop drinking, etc/?<p>I don't know... I must find my own answer... <p>thanks, and goodnight friends, HONEY

Honey,<p>I had wondered about your eyes but really hadn't a chance to log on today.<p>You sound good. Keep doing what you are doing focus on Honey & your needs & what you can do to improve Honey. Don't worry about fixing your WH, that is his problem.<p>Honey, most WS try & fix the blame on the BS, my STBX if questioned would still try & lay most of the blame at my feet, actually so would OW. IF I had been a better wife she would never have been an issue & to a point they are correct but each of them made the choice to cross a line, and that for my STBX is hard for him to face. Some never face it, I doubt mine will. <p>But you can be happy again. I never thought I be living the life I am today. ME DIVORCED. 4 yrs ago it was unthinkable. Last yr I never thought I be happy again. This yr I am at peace & finding happiness every day. I am turning in to me again. It is nice not worring about what I do or say or look like or is the house to messy (yes it is now) but to do what I want & how I want.<p>Honey live your life to be the best Honey you can be & you will be the best mom your boys can have.<p>[ May 07, 2002: Message edited by: sing ]</p>

Hi Hope 4 the future, just thought I would respond.. I have read your post to my depressed post... several times.. and now am responsding... <p>A few questions for you.
hope4furture- What is the end result you are hoping to achieve here?<p>honey- I want to have a happy life.. I would love it with my h, but if he can not be healthy really I do not know what to do right now... I know I cnanot change him, but I find it hard to give up on my idea of marriage that lasts until death do you part... for some reason I feel obligated to work through things with him... and I feel he should feel the same way, but he does not... not right now anyway.... end result? I would like h to come back home and for us to work the plans in mb with a marriage counselor and lots of work together to have a happy marriage... I know I can't make another person do this. I want to do everything I can on my part to save this marriage.... ! Maybe that is my end result.. if I know I did my best.. I will be ok if he walks.. <p>He says he wants to work on recoery but believes all or most of the issues or problems are with me??? so what about that?<p>
hope4 the furture... What about your current actions or state of mind do you feel is going to get you there?<p>My h and I have not been talking much or seeing each other much... as of late there has been some phone calls where we talked a little here or there... I guess, I feel that sometimes I get through to him in my calls... I have left messages on his vm for him explaining ho
w I care about him... ect... trying to meet some of his en's... and I have emailed him about how I swill do better and work harder at being a better wife, etc.. and told him and reminded him of special times... etc. I have even sent some ecards and regular ones too.. bought him books... in the past.. but not lately. <p>Well, I think some of this gets through to him.. how much I care and how much I want to work it out... nOw if I send too many emails and call too much.. he starts to think I am unstable.. and I guess I am... because I start losing it.. like a person desperately trying to get a reaction... or response back.. his wanting to work on our marriage.. etc... but it does not happen... or perhpas he wants to go out for a drink or dinner.. and that is about it... he will spend time with me... but wants no relationship talk... he says he is not up to it now...as his focus now is job and roommate... I get angry and think... well come home and work and we will be more ok.. with less money going out in his 2nd house or whatever... I get impatient and want him home now!<p>But truth is.. I want changes before he comes home... I think this seperation does need more time.. but I am so unaccepting of it... ! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
hope4the future....
The reason I ask is because you've been told over and over and over again, and ignored over and over and over again, that the focus needs to be on you. That means that when you post here, you post about getting support to help you NOT call into his voicemail to snoop, or NOT call him for any particular reason. It means your posts aren't constant play by plays about this woman or that woman or him doing this or that. Because he's an adult and will do whatever he will do. You can't control him. As another posted to you before...who the H3!! is honey? All we see here is who your husband is.<p>honey... sorry I know I am obsessed with him and his behavior to the point of totatl and complete self neglect.. I get way too wrapped up in the man in my life... I was even watching my parents interact tonifht and I guess they seem quite codendent.. but succesfully so... I don't know.. it was the way I was reaised to be everything to my h and to take care of him... my mom was telling my dad his shorts did not fit right... and I thought... well why is she so worried about it? It seems like... she overcares for him and for me and for my sister etc... and I know my dad overcares for me and my sister and my mom too.. .to the point of driving me insane... jane! is there where it starts... ? now neighter of my parents have drinking issues.. both overeat.. but both are on a good diet now and losing weight.. that is great... but I have always wondered in the back of my mind... why do they worry so much about me... hey, get off my back and let me take care of me???/ <p>Is that why I am so codepenednt... I don't know but I need to think about that one.

hope 4 the future...
As far as what you want from your marriage...to be loved and protected...well, that's sweet thought, and I think all of us would like to feel that way in a marriage. But it's also a little "juvenile"...because I think that as an ADULT with CHILDREN you need to be able to love and protect yourself just as well as any other person on the planet. Until you feel strong and able enough to do that, you aren't ready for marriage to anyone.<p>honey... I was taught that my h would do that for me... in fact many indepenendt responsibilites I was told I would never have to worry with , as they were my husbands job ... of the furtuer.. dad did certain things and then husband would... I ws raised to be a wife.. yet I do have a great education.. but a wife and mother was what I was raised to be in a priority sense.. I guess that is why I place such focus on it.. and I always wanted to be special and number one and have someone care for me.. the way my dad does for my mom... she is kind of child like and protected... and she would not be able to do what I am doing at all... maybe? but, almost all the women in my family.. both sides included.. but especially moms side.. are taken care of by their h's the way I descibe..<p>I used to complain to my h that I wanted him to take care of me... and that angered him.. he sd the same thing! You are an adult! not a child... in the sense I meant.. financially, and lovingly... protected.. and cherished... some men do do this? I am in texas... but maybe I am in dream land.. maybe my dad.. my role model for a h... is just some miracle man.. he is quite wonderful to my mom.. she is very very lucky.. but she is very domestic and does loads for him... who knows? maybe what I expected was just unrealistic in this day and time... it seems men in these times do not see it as a duty to financially provide for their families or protect their wives and children... as a head of the household.. I guess my ideas are just unrealistic. sadly.<p>
hope 4 the future...
It's time to grow up and become emotionally healthy. You are only a continued victim if you allow yourself to be. Good luck.<p>
I am fine taking care of me.. really... I do get quite panicy at the thought of no finacial help from my h... and that is what has happened this month as he is broke... I do get quite heartbroken thinking my one person who I thought would be my best friend forever has betrayed and abandoned me... but I know I can take care of me and my kids... actually I was taking care of all 4 of us when my h was here.. but I had him working and doing things as I asked and prescribed.. no wonder he was sick of it... I had everything planned out for him... to do to make my life work.. and that is not what he wanted...<p>we never talked about what we both wanted.. I think things got so chaotic I just forced him to go along with my plans.. he did not usually have a plan... as he does not right now.. he is going way broke and his life is falling apart.. irresponsible alcoholic.. <p>my counselor says it is no mystery he married me.. someone who would take care of him... funny I married him when I wanted someone to take care of me... but emotional care is more what he did... I love you's and promises and promises and prommises.. many unfulfilled...<p>but I am still quite depressed over the infidielity.. until 7.5 months agao I thought he was completely in love and devoted and that he was very very faithful - now it turns out he is a serial cheater..
'<p>thanks for reading and for your advice, I am taking it and I am working on me... I guess I am a tough case and slow to get it... I do long to be protected and cared for and cherished.. that is what I wanted from a husband... perhaps wrongfully so... I am reflecitng on this, and working on being a strong me... it is just tiring with the 2 wild boys and busy life and work and the house,,... etc... but I know I have the ability to do it all... yes, me... with God's help... I can do it! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] thanks for another wakeup kick in the pants... I know I like softness and soft kicks are nice... thanks for telling me how bad I sounded going on and on about him.. no wonder I was crying... ! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>thanks again... HONEY

I think your current posts sound MUCH more "honey" oriented and realistic. GOOD JOB! The reason I asked about what it is you really want as an outcome is because I figured you'd say something about being happy and having a good marriage...I intended on mentioning that those things would be possible with someone other than your husband if he continued in his addictive ways...but you beat me to it! Yes, work on you and your issues...and leave him to his. You could change in all the ways he'd like and he'd want you back...and where does that get you? Emotionally healthy with an unhealthy spouse.<p>I don't think that your idea's of marriage are unrealistic...just not healthy. I think you COULD find a marriage like that...but what happens if something happens to your spouse? Your completely lost and helpless beause someone has "taken care" of you. If you can take care of yourself BY yourself, you have more control....that also takes some of the burden off of your spouse. It's a healthier way to be.<p>Keep up with all the programs and classes, and do get that sponser. Pampering is a nice thing, but by working on "you" I think most of us mean emotionally...not physically.<p>You're doing great! Take care!

If I can make one suggestion: Please change your signature. Change it to something that talks about you and your situation and doesn't ramble on about your husband and the stuff he does. I think it might be a good place to start.

Honey;<p>I know you've heard it all before, but I'm going to repeat it because this is the most important thing you need to do for yourself.<p>Detach from your WH. I know you love him, you need him, you are desperate, you have the kids, but the ONLY possible way you will EVER have a chance at re-building your M, is to detach. Detach from the neediness, detach from his stupid actions, detach from the need to snoop...<p>I know this is hard to do. I have been at it for over 4 months (since I really started to work on detaching) and I have bad days too, and I cry sometimes, and sometimes I feel like just dumping all the program and go and beg her to come back, to leave the OM...but I don't, and I haven't, and you know what? She is now quite interested in what I'm doing...do you have any idea what went thru her mind when I told her I was going out to lunch with some "new friends" las week? (the MB Houston lunch) she controlled herself after a few seconds...but man, she was going WILD inside! All I said was some new friends I met, people you don't know, no big deal....<p>Work on yourself. Work on understanding yourself and your feelings, what you did wrong and how to change that, Imagine what a good life you could have with a partner who shared the Harley principles...radical honesty, care, respect, negotiation....<p>Pretty soon, you will find that you do not "need" him anymore...that you will be OK, even if you never see him again...<p>I suspect you may want to start thinking of a Plan B, or at the very least, set some tough boundaries for him to contact you or come by...but you should NEVER call him again, unless it's an emergency with the kids and you absolutely have to.<p>There's not much more you can do. You are living apart, he apprently does not support you financially or with the kids, so why allow him the option of calling or coming by whenever he can't get the "admiration" or "conversation" he can't get from the maid? You obviously cannot make many love bank deposits while he's gone, and while he's doing what he's doing, so limit his ability to fulfill the needs he cannot get from the OW...<p>This is YOUR time. The time to make yourself a better person, the time to give all you can give to your kids.<p>Post her, or email me if you want to vent, I'm happy to help. spacecase59@yahoo.com

Honey,<p>I finally found what I was looking for...this comes from Divorce Busting (Michelle Weiner-Davis) another site similar to MB, also very good books.
I HIGHLY recommend you read "Divorce Remedy"...it helped me A LOT to get through the first few weeks.
Anyway, this was posted by someone else, and I finally found it, so here it is. Read it, Read it again...learn it...live it...It'll help you!<p>I got this off http://www.divorcebusting.com. I hope this helps. DivorceBusting suggests doing a 180.<p>1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation), be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

thanks spacecase... I need to do this again, and my strength is coming back again this week! thank goodness.. and guess what.. .he has called and wants to meet tomorrow , not definitely mind you, during lunch, to explain to me... how I should better care for the dog and how my son needs to do more chores... talk about ruling from the grave? <p>My h is also very jealous about anything he finds out I am diong too- but I haven't told him a whole lot since he got extremely jealous last few weeks agao... when i told him I was at the movies with a friend.... when he called to arrange bringing back the kids.... <p>I was with my sister.. but I sd a friend... he had had plans to come over for dinner that night.. but got so mad that I was with a "friend" he drove up in the driveway and rudely drove off... I had asked him to start the lawnmower.. my son and I have trouble with this and he just speed off.. so I try the nice approach since this approach makes him so mad!<p>I don't know, I am at a loss, but you are so right aboutr not callingh im... I do get some money... but it is very sparse with his unemployement situation... so it is kind of sickening where he is...he just got a roommate... can't wait to see how roommate likes h's drinking and "friends"/..... ? Maybe he will actually getr a job?<p>thanks for the support..<p>Honey

Honey -- signature --

Honey, it doesn't sound like you like the topics your H plans to discuss with you. Yes, it does sound like ruling from the grave! <p>Here's a thought - don't go. You know how to care for the dog, you know how to raise your son. I don't know if I would put a very high regard on the advise of an unfaithful, untrustworthy H. <p>It sounds like you are settling for the crumbs he is throwing you. You so desparately want to be with him, you will take anything just to be with him. You are worth more than this. <p>Say these out loud and pray that you believe them: <p>I am me
I trust me
I love me
I am human
I am allowed to make mistakes
I am worthy to be loved
I am worthy to be respected
I am worthy to be admired
I am worthy to be praised
I am worthy to be honored
I am worthy to be cherished <p>Do tell us how it goes IF you go. But I would seriously consider canceling! Its your choice though. You do what You think is best.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Honey:
<strong>... he has called and wants to meet tomorrow , not definitely mind you, during lunch, to explain to me... how I should better care for the dog and how my son needs to do more chores... talk about ruling from the grave? <p>My h is also very jealous about anything he finds out I am diong too- but I haven't told him a whole lot since he got extremely jealous last few weeks agao... when i told him I was at the movies with a friend.... when he called to arrange bringing back the kids.... <p>Honey</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Honey,
Clearly he believes he still has some control over you, but that is only if you let him. I say detach. Detach from this villanous behavior, assert your rights, clearly delineate your boundaries and let him know what they are. Period.<p>He has no right to know, ask or say a word about what you do or who you do it with while he is not with you and committed to the M. But more importantly, when he does not show you the respect you deserve.<p>The fact that he displays jealousy is good. That means somewhere deep inside he has good feelings for you. It hurts him to think of you out of his world. But beware, it could also be a sign of his sense of loss of "control" over you.<p>You are a better judge of his reactions that I ever could be, so don't do anything that might place you in danger or harms way. If you feel anything you need to do to assert and establish your boundaries might place you in jeopardy, get a restraining order first, or be ready to dial 911 if you see he might lose control. (I don't know if one can place a restraining order preventively or if it will only be granted once there's some kind of police intervention).<p>Do take care. Be strong. Get help from family, friends if you need it. And also, you know where to find us. Big hug!<p>[ May 08, 2002: Message edited by: Spacecase ]</p>

thanks again.... looks like I am up again early... went to sleep at 9.... his phone was out... and he was sick... oh poor baby... so he did not meet with me... I was actually glad... when we talked he seemed to think tomorrow would work too... but was again rude to me... I am sick of this attitude and crappy way of dealing with me.<p>I am really going to start backing off.. and just let him be.... I am tired of tyring and not being treated right... it is all about how he has been treated unfairly by me... and he is not looking at his part at all... truth is... do I really want a husbnad who treats me like this? NO> I am sick of it. Saving my marriage is important, but not to the point of being treated like this... the balance in our realtionship is way of out wack.<p>thanks for reading, I appreciate a guys viewpoint... I know not calling is a good answer... I am so sick of the bad attitude and the lies... that I am just disgusted anyway at this point... it is not the samae, and he makes no attempt to make things better.<p>He did get his phone back on and call.... and seemed to think tomorrow would work ... i guess he thinks I am at his beck and call? And he again sd more rude things to me... some nice, some rude... all mixed messages... like I am trying to work things out... I am considering counseling... blah blah blah... but ... blah blah blah.... enough is enough.<p>He is about to mis mothers day, I guess he xould care less... then my bday and then my sons bday... <p>
Thanks, Honey

Honey,
Your last post shows how much you have grown. I love it. It shows acceptance. It shows reality. It shows your angry (and rightfully so!). It is the anger that motivates us to detach! Keep up the good work!!!!!

thanks luvnprotect me... I am doing way better... I just got my computer at work.... ! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>If interested in lunch tomorrow let me know... I have to make sure I am driving as my ac is being fixed today.<p>honey

Honey -- LOVE the profile change.<p>You sound so much healthier!<p>And I saw the pics from your lunch. Its his loss!
You're gonna be fine. He may never be.<p>Stay strong for you and your boys!~

Honey,
Lets post or be in touch tomorrow and confirm lunch plans!