Dear Terrified,<p>Remember, remember, remember, that this guy is in such a place of self loathing that he can only lash out...and them more irrational he is the deeper the hole he digs for himself....<p>Remember that he is the one with the reputation of throwing a fit for you NOT using coasters when offering your friend a drink...and isn't he the one that freaked out when you packed...count them two vs one bathing suit....(this coming from a mom who is so frazzled lately put on a pair of overalls on her four year old today out of the dryer still slightly slightly damp...and when she protested they were wet I told to go run around the living room and pretend she was an airplane...)and if anyone asked she was to tell them two year old brother squirted her with a squirt gun....... no mother of year award for me this Sunday...again....)<p>So lets review guiltly as charged you are...
1. no coasters
2. over stuffing bag with clothes...
bad bad bad wife...bad bad bad mom....<p>hold tight terrified..hold onto the thought of how hurt he is....and he will either face that some day..or you will become strong enough to not care...
be good to YOU...
peace to your home
ARK

Hello all...<p>Topie, Hope you're right about my choice AND about my H approaching rock bottom. Did remind him that I want to work on our M...didn't go over too well but I said it calmly and with some love. No tears. Responded to your thread. Had planned to call you earlier but my D was shall we say, "out of control". I don't think she slept enough last night or during the day. I had to spend alot of time with her. I hope this is normal and not indicative of any emotional problems. You just never know with toddlers.<p>Lor, I'm grinning...that's twice in the same day. My mother said something similar today. Why is he so miserable? This is what HE wanted, isn't it?<p>Bernzini, Another smile...now that's three times in one day. Actually, you make me feel better about this hell we currently call "life". And also, at this moment, I don't feel so WRONG. <p>Ark, Shall I say four times...I am actually visualizing your 4-year old happily running around with damp overalls...aren't we mothers amazingly imperfect? And it's actually okay!!! For so long I have felt inadequate as a wife, mother and woman...Ark, I think you're right. My H is hurting badly but I am doing a better job of walking away. <p>Thank-you so much. It's good to be back.

Hi T, <p>Up early this morning as I was so tired last night I went to bed at 8pm. I wanted to ck on you when I logged in.<p>I am so glad you are doing better. I am doing much better too, and getting great support at those meetings I am going to! So that is helping me... if just to be present in a room with others who are sharing about emotional turmoil and trauma...and what they do about it...<p>This am I starting reading another book in my library... How one of you , can bring the two of you together... today I read on taking care of me and accepting myself Just as I am... kind of like bridget jones... did you see that movie... I love that part... where she says he likes me JUST AS I AM.. not skinnier, not smarter... not more resonsible.. not any of that... JUST AS I AM...<p>Funny the book and the part of the chapter I read... had exercises on writing down everything I do like about me... and also things I don't... but that I am fine and I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN... it is OK not to be everything in any given moment or time. TO develop and work passionately towards our goals and take care of yourself... the book and all the women I have been in felllowship with lately.... stress.. how <p>We women, do not take care of our own needs.. especially MOMS.... and wives... we put everyone else first, second, third, frouth and fifth - so where is there room for ourselves... we forgot about ourselves...<p>I know you are taking care of you and that is good... I have slips... I start to take care of me... oops but then something comes up for someone else...a nd I put me last in line again and so forth until I forget about me again.<p>I am trying to change that,,, this am I am doing a little organizing around here... as my house gets way too disorganized.. behind of secretarial work for my home business and my personal bills,e tc.... paper everywhere! and also my inventory for my business and loads of magazines, etc. So I am workingo n that .. and I am going to do my morning yoga today ... yeah! I know I will feel better after that too!<p>Just take care of you, extra care.. while he goes through this....<p>My h is actually... coming back in a little ... as I withdraw.. funny how that works... I am just so tired of his flatulence.. sp? I don't use that word often? <p>But I am really tired of it...he actually called me today and sd he wants to meet tomorrow for lunch because he is concerned our dog is not getting enough food or water and also that my son is not doing enough chores.s. the older son who is 9.... I laughed out loud with the dog theory, as I ck on him daily.. quite a few times and he is doing great.. and why is he so worried aobut his son's chores at "my" house? If he cared so much why did he leave? My H is also going broke... hahahaha... ! I too have more money! It is likely I will be better off than him for quite a while... with child support and if this goes on forever... .(hopefully not) but we can always remarry and have child support and a new h's income! Not that that is what I want.. but we do get the better end of the deal than a runaway dad.... right?<p>Take care of you, know this is HIS THING and no matter how much blame he assigns or throws at you... you did not walk or cheat.. and you are being very loving as it is... and about the lawyer.. what does he think... that he is going to get support from you? I hope not.. now that would never happen here in texas... but please tell me it will not in canada? He will only cement his responsibilities if he gets an attorney... and he is the one having an affair, right?<p>WE all have insecurities, failings, things we wish we had done better.. lvoing someone is not about bringing all those things up and throwing them at them... that is immature blaming of others for what you are experiencing... IE, both our h's blame us... as do many many WS... for all their issues... isn't it funny how everything is our fault? Gee where were they the last 10 years?<p>Hugs to you and your D! YOu two will get thru this, I WILL SURVIVE!<p>HOney

Hi all,
I hope this makes sence what I would like to express.
Spouces that speak bad about their X's, or H's that speak bad about us to OW. Makes me think back along time ago.
I'd do this with my brother. I'd go to mom and tell her what a bad guy he was. She give me understanding and calm me down. It surely wasn't right what I did as I'd of course be lying about alot of things. My brother did the same and again my mom would understand and comfort him. Made him feel good too.
When we grew older, we laughted alot about that. We'd say remember this and that. Gosh were we stupid but it made us feel good. My mom never agreed with our statements, she just made us feel understood and this again made us feel good.<p>Isn't this actually what happens here. WS will go and talk bad, people will listen. Makes him feel comfortable and loved. (at the moment) But don't you believe the wise listeners might just listen and think, "Gosh what a bunch of *ull *hit!" The wise listeners will always know that there is always two sides of the story, nothing is one sided. <p>Believe me the spout that needs to talk bad, will feel good at the moment but he surely will also think of the other side of the story and he will know (someday) that this isn't reality!!!
Some spouts always seem to stay in the state of "childhood". They have to go to "mommy" and tell her what a bad person the other is to feel comfortable. They just haven't grown up!!!!!<p>My H who had the A, understands me when I explained this to him. He said I was right and he sees how "childish" he was reacting during his A. It was far from honesty and much farther from reality. It was like a "childhood" dream and "mommy"(OW) was giving him comfort!<p>I tend to forgive those who have to talk bad about me to make themselves feel comforted and understood. <p>I personally feel more comfortable knowing that I am a precious, loving person. I don't feel good when I have to talk bad about someone, this does not make me feel comfortable as I know there is always two-sides of a story.<p>just my thoughts
hugs
BB<p>[ May 08, 2002: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</p>

OOOOHhhhhhhh -- I am sooooo glad to hear he is having money problems!!!<p>The bottom is approaching faster and faster!<p>And as he gets closer and closer to what he thinks is going to make him happy -- he gets more and more miserable!!! THATS PERFECT!!!<p>Keep putting on the strong happy face in front of him. The contrast will be important. You are getting happier and stronger, while he is becoming more miserable, broke, and getting pressure and disapproval from his family.<p>Keep him out of your house. Make him respect you and your boundries. Let him see your strength and confidence (big turn-ons compared to neediness!)<p>Treat him with cheerful kindness at every opportunity! Start pulling away emotionally.<p>You are doing awesome!

Hi Terri,
I'm thinking the next time your H is bewailing something about you, the perfect response (if you're still listening to him and haven't hung up the phone [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ) is, "H, I've decided you really have the right attitude, I'm only after my own happiness & that of our daughter." <p>I wonder if he would even recognize his own words.

Next time your H is being unreasonably beligerent about something you did... STOP the conversation ... make a noise >> sniff*sniff << and ask, "What IS that smell? ... Excuse me please, I need to go open a window. Talk to you later. Bye." [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 08, 2002: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Does feeling this way and not telling your spouse you feel this way still constitute an affair? <hr></blockquote><p>Nothing, Nada, Never, Zilch can constitute an affair. There may be some that disagree, but I bet I can come up with more reasons why not to have an affair, than reasons to have an affair.
As a matter of fact, I cannot come up with ANY reason to have an affair.<p>Heck....Not even a despicable affair constitutes an affair.<p><Fire-Proof suit on><p>HCII

Mine says it was sooo awful... funny we had so many good times right before he left... strange isn't it?<p>Strange also that he never acted wierd until he met her... <p>... my h's answer... I was just being nice... i did not know what you would do...<p>and another comment on different day.... I thought my life would be over if I told you how I felt.<p>What a communicator?<p>Honey

Terri,
Did I read the post correctly that your H want you to give him more money?!
This has to confirm that he has lost all sense of reality. Let me make sure I understand this.
He verbally, emotionally & comes close to physically abuses you, keeps telling you that it is over & does nothing to show any remorse or reconcillation & now he wants you to support him?!
You keep up your spirits - this guy needs help, but you have done your best -- you cannot help him!
I would suggest letting him set on the shelve. Detach.
Keep up the good work!
Peace,
HH

T --<p>Your H thinks he's entitled to half of the equity in your home -- as a way to buy himself a new home.<p>Well guess what? He can't do it without your permission. I am assuming that your home is in BOTH of your names. If that is the case, he cannot take out equity without your signature.<p>And NO WAY -- until he deals with everything. In fact, make it a condition that he attend counseling with you prior to divorce discussions!<p>I was hoping you could pack today and take off -- spend the anniversary and mothers day having FUN with your daughter!<p>Bahamas sounds great! GO! Why not?