Hello. I am new and would like to share my story with you and hope that I can gain some valuable insight into my sitch.
I should tell you that I divorced my husband to be with my girlfriend. To complicate matters, my girlfriend was my husband's cousin. I don't have to tell you the drama and hurt that resulted from my affair. But I knew in my heart that I was in love with her. Not only that, I had always known that I was attracted to women. I had never acted on those feelings until then. I live in a place where same sex relationships are taboo so therefore I never pursued one. I have been married twice and have two daughters. One from each marriage.
Now to the sitch at hand. After divorcing my husband, my girlfriend and I began our life together in my home. Life was hard, but was very good to us. We became the envy of the town as far as lesbian relationships go. We were accepted in our community as a couple even though I'm sure we were talked about behind our backs. You know how little towns go! We weathered some pretty harsh storms in the beginning but we held onto each other and came through them better people. We were inseparable. We truly enjoyed each other's company for many years until things began to go downhill.
In 2003, my parents' health began to decline. My step-father, who raised me from the time that I was nine years old, was placed in a nursing home. It was at that time I can remember making the remark to my g/f that my life as I knew it was over. I knew that my dad would never get to go home again. My Mom did not want to live in their home by herself, so she came to live with my g/f and I. My Mom's health began to decline around Thanksgiving. By Christmas, my Mom's health was even worse. In March of 2004, I insisted that the doctor put her in the hospital because of her declining health. She was diagnosed with terminal cancer on March 13, 2004. She passed away on March 23, 2004. It was like losing my heart. I cannot describe the depth of my loss. I was adopted as a baby and she was the only Mother I had ever known. We were very close and the pain I felt is indescribable. Before my Mom's health declined, I began doing my family genealogy on her side. I wanted to get as much history as I could while she could still tell me things. Well, I became an internet junky. By that I mean, I did genealogy research ALL the time. If I wasn't at work, I was home doing research. The more involved we became with taking care of my mom, who had begun to get weaker and weaker, the less time was left for my g/f and I. It got to where my g/f would go to bed around 9:00 p.m. and then I would stumble and fall into the bed at about 1:00 a.m. Not good at all. After my mom's dealth, I walled up. I spent all my time in here in front of this computer doing research. I quit going anywhere with my g/f. I just wasn't interested in anything anymore except research. This went on from fall of 2003 until fall of 2005. In November of 2005, my g/f and another female co-worker began walking to try to lose weight. We had put on a lot of weight over the years. I know that I wasn't happy about that and I physically felt so bad. My g/f and this friend tried to get me to join them but I refused. I had research to do. I began to notice that my g/f stayed out later and later when MOW and her would walk. On November 16, g/f and I had a little fuss about all her walking and not spending time here at home. Well, on November 17, 2005, g/f came home and gave me a letter. I got the speech that night. She said in the letter that she loved me, cared deeply for me and that I was the love of her life, but she didn't have "those" feelings for me anymore. She said that she had tried to get them back but couldn't. She said that in the last 6 months she changed and she was sure that in the back of my mind I knew it. She said that she was sorry but she was tired of pretending to herself and couldn't do it anymore. That was pretty much what was in the letter. We talked and cried for a long time. She told me that I had pushed her away for two years. She said that she was 99% sure that she couldn't get those feelings back again. I asked her if there was anyone else and she said no. Of course, I believed her at that time. She told me that she wanted to go away that weekend by herself. So she did. She came back home and said she still didn't have any feelings for me. She said that she just wanted me to find someone to love me. We made the decision for her to move out during the Thanksgiving holidays. She was to be gone by the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Well, for the next week, I returned to the "Me" that had been missing for the last two years. I did not get on the computer, but instead spent time with her watching TV and stuff. We talked again before she moved out and she said that she was optimistic but that moving out was something she had to do. She said that she had always taken care of everyone else and it was time for her to take care of her. I told her that I felt it would be better if she just went ahead and moved out. So she moved out on Friday after Thanksgiving.
Now, I understand how she felt neglected, rejected and unloved for those 2 years. After my mom died, I believe I was severely depressed. I didn't grieve the way normal people do I guess. But I totally shut myself down. I was not happy with life at all. I think I used the computer and the research as a way to grieve my mom's death. She felt excluded from my life and I don't think she knew how to reach out to me.
On the Tuesday after Thanksgiving, I went to the gyno. My g/f had been telling me that she thought I was menopausal. Well, I finally went to the doctor and yes I was. I was put on hormones, and I can't tell you the difference it has made in me. That night after coming home from work, I discovered an e-card that was sent from my ex g/f to the MOW. I confronted MOW on the phone but she denied knowing anything about the card. Wrong answer. I had the e-mails of when the card was sent and when the card was picked up. I knew that MOW had already seen the card. I knew she was lying to me. That's when I figured it out. MOW and my ex were having an EA before my EX moved out. After my EX moved out, their EA went PA.
I also need to tell you that I am MOW's supervisor at work as well as EX's. So I had to see MOW and EX up each other's butt everyday. Every step one of them made, the other made. I'm not stupid. I knew then that they were having an affair. I really and truly believe that's why EX left. I know she couldn't live with the guilt of sleeping with me and the MOW. Recently EX admitted that nothing happened between her and MOW until she moved out.
Lots of things happened in between, but MOW's husband began asking questions to the people at work. He was told about the affair. He then questioned me. The only thing I could tell him is what I had seen at work. I did tell him about the e-card and the cell phone records.
Well, as far as I can tell, the affair is still going on, but it has cooled off at work a little bit. There is so much more that happened that I just can't post it all. But I will answer questions if you have any.
EX has come to work with hickeys on her neck. She and MOW have been seen in the parking lot late at night. Just all kinds of stuff. There are days here lately that it seems like there may be trouble in paradise. But who knows?
All along, I have felt like I was getting mixed messages from my ex. Once she left and I went through the falling apart stage, I decided I was better than that. I lost weight and began wearing clothes that I haven't been able to wear in years. I began wearing makeup again. I changed my hairstyle and began using hair dye for the first time. I must tell you, I look pretty good now. I am slowly becoming the person that I was when we began our affair years ago. Somehow in this relationship we lost ourselves. My EX always maintained that she didn't want to lose my friendship. Well, after Christmas, she showed up to work with a hickey on her neck. At this point, our finances were still joint. I made the decision that day to take control of my money! I opened my own checking account and savings account. I returned the old one to her. She cried the night I gave the stuff back to her. I also told her that I couldn't be her friend. We had no contact except at work. Over the past few months, she has called a couple of times and we had begun to become friendly toward one another again in a friend way. I think she regretted many times that she had left, but she made no attempt to come home. We got into an argument in March and did not have any contact after work. Now it's April and she has begun to call me a little after work to tell me this and that or to ask a question. She has picked up the rest of her things so she has nothing here anymore.
I am having trouble trying to figure out what to do. Some of the things we have done since she left and some of the things that we have said to one another gives me hope, but then the next instant she will tell me that she was only trying to be my friend. When we had the argument, she told me that it was OVER! She told me when I confronted her about the e-card back in November that she never wanted to be hurt like this again. But then she becomes friendly and then gets cold again. She will flirt with me one day and then the next act like I don't exist. I just don't understand. I keep trying to tell myself that she is just being a friend and to not read anything else into it.
Tomorrow is her birthday. I will send her an e-card from the dogs. I invited her to poker night over here Saturday night, but she said she thought she was going to out of town. I figure with the MOW.
I just don't know what to do. Does anyone have any advice for a lost soul such as me? I have never really loved someone the way I did her and it is tearing me apart. Every now and then she will remind me of some of the good parts of our relationship. Kinda like traveling down memory lane. The night of the speech she told me that she missed what we had. And that what we had was good. I'm so lost!! Can anyone help?
Right after we split up, my friend talked to the EX and she told me that she (friend) thought EX was done. So maybe I just need to move on. Could this be midlife crisis? I know at one point in EX's and my conversation the night of the speech she told me that she didn't know what was wrong maybe it was midlife crisis. Could it be?
Please help if you can.
