Need some advice....pleas help me. I suspect that my H has had multiple liaisons with various ladies as I have heard rumours. I also respect that our marriage is disfunctional right now as no needs are being met on either side. He will not admit to anything inappropriate and I feel we are going round in circles. I have suggested a polygraph and was met with a blank screen. I live in the UAE so getting a test is actually quite hard and very expensive. Deep down I know that 'things' have probably happened but I do not know the detail. He is a real man's man and the communication between us is not good. Every time I try and talk he avoids having a 'real' conversation. I guess neither of I know where to start....I think we both want to make our marriage work but we have no idea what to do......we make mistakes every day - I am old enough to know that I have made mistakes. But we are in a deep dark hole and do not know how to get out. He does shift work which makes it hard too as when he is awake I am asleep and visa versa. With the kids etc it's hard to find the time to talk. We have both done the questionnaire but we haven't talked it through. I want him to make the time but he always finds an excuse and I don;t want to come across as a nag. I am angry and want to know what has gone on......but am not sure that will a) help or b) ever come out.......friends have said that he has been up to no good but he will not confirm this. The friends have told me stuff based on hearsay....I haven't been told about anything specific.......so very frustrating and is driving me literally mad. I have not slept for ages and I feel physically sick everyday. This is not helping the situation. I want this to work.....for many reasons but we are going nowhere. The other thing that is not helping our marriage is my H's drinking.....he goes out once a week and does not come back till late ...he then wakes up late and grumpy. Although I know that he needs this 'man to man' time with his drinking buddies, the fact that it then impacts my weekend with the girls and this makes me MAD....this will always end up in an argument. Please please help me. I feel trapped, scared and really hope you can help with the advice. I have bought HNHN's and Love Busters but am so exhausted that I have not got far....I cannot seem to persuade him to read these manuals with me. Fingers crossed you will post back to me soon.............

Welcome 1366.

I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing, but glad you have found us here.

The vets will be along shortly, time zones change responses.

Meanwhile... things that will help us in responding.

How old are you and WH?

Any children? If so, ages?

And how long have you been married? First marriage for you both?

Also, what snooping have you done?

Hang in there. Keep reading. There is a wealth of information on this board.

Also, you should go to your doctor about your sleeping and health. You need all the rest and sleep you can get through this rollercoaster. Make an appointment pronto, and explain you suspect your H is having an A.

Yes we could do with those details please.

You need snooping tools installed asap so you have more than hearsay to work with. Don't expect much in the way of confessions or meaningful discussions from your H. An active, serial adulterer aint gonna be much help. You must roll up your sleeves and get the info yourself.

Keylogger on computer/laptop

Spyware/GPS on mobile phone

VARs in areas of house where he would talk on phone

VARs and GPS in car.

He doesn't sound very discreet so do some old school snooping while waiting for your gadgets to arrive. Search pockets and car, check his phone, have a friend follow him with a camera etc.

NO arguments. Don't even discuss the issue without facts.

Look good, smell good, make home welcoming. Arrange playdates/babysitting while dishing up nice romantic dinners/inviting him to do something fun outside. Talk about his interests.

While you snoop, remind him that you're AWESOME and no one can take your place.



Useless for your situation. Get Surviving an Affair.

Welcome to MB and sorry for what's brought you here.

Here.
Keylogger Programs
VAR

Also.
Thread to Help Newly Betrayed Spouses

Also, is he military? Since you are in the UAE and he has 'drinking buddies', I assume you guys are not locals but expats.

Hello all, I'm new at this forum obviously so hopefully I am replying to you all correctly?
In answer to your questions first and then an unexpected update....
Yes we are expats and he is in the emergency response field...
We are both 45 and have 2 children. Ages 5 and 8.
We have oth been married briefly before when we were in our 20 s and no children from those marriages. We have been married 9 years now.
I have done a lot of the old fashioned snooping and love this new knowledge on what's available to help you snoop.
Here is the update, after another confrontal and a friends intervention he has finally admitted to a physical affair of 2 months and a wining, dining,talking etc affair,friendship of a year ( same woman). He tells me it was non emotional and a physical need he wasn't getting from me but he stopped it as she became too obsessive and she also was married. We did then left the country and when she got wind that he was going she bombarded him with threats to tell me .he has wanted to tell me and has seen the pain I have been in suspecting etc but was afraid I would leave him and take our girls.
He has expressed remorse, sadness and disgust at himself and wants us to stay together and work through it.
Right now I am calm and logical and relieved I finally know but not hysterical which I thought I might be. However I am exhausted and almost numb but am planning a good nights sleep with the aid of a sleeping pill to wake up with a clear head. If that is possible. I would like to thank you all so far and look forward to your advice and support.

my suggestion is to contact the coaching center and make a phone appointment with the harleys. they can help you get through this terrible time and into recovery, if that is what you want.

i am sorry for the pain that has brought you here, but you are in the best place to get through this, if your WH is willing.

are you sure the affair is dead? you cannot take your WHs word for this. he will need to write a non-contact (NC) letter that you approve and post, in his handwriting.

Who did you expose to?

Have you told OWH? Your children?
Exposure 101

You need to make an exposure plan, including OWs friends and BH and ask him to write you an NC letter. An NC letter followed by change of contact details is is vital. She sounds very determined.

I know you are relieved to hear some truth but TRICKLE truth is verry common. There may be more.

Chin up, you sound strong.

Have you read the exposure thread

(Oh and the you not meeting his needs thing is nonsense. Did you get that memo? But more on that later. Stay calm!)

I have only told my sister and close friend who has gone through an affair herself and out the other side.
Her husband had the affair and she recommended this forum as it " kept her sane"

So what is your exposure plan?

Have you told OWH? Your children?
Exposure 101

No I haven't told anyone else and have no exposure plan. That is something I am debating at the moment.

Without an exposure plan, you won't recover.

If you keep his secrets, you become his accomplice and will create an adulterers paradise instead of a marriage.

You need support.

Interesting thoughts after a few weeks of coping with the news , the difference here perhaps is this affair was 2 1/2 years ago so it's confusing how to deal with it now my husband has confessed . As you can probably appreciate I have had strong suspicions for most of the time but no hard evidence .

Have you exposed this affair to OWH? The time of the affair is irrelevant. He needs to know.

Exposed to OWH? Does this mean his family? No no one yet and I talked to him about it tonight, interesting , the conversation ended up with us talking about splitting up and how I would be stuck in the UAE where we live now to keep the kidsetc.
Still had a part amicable chat but mainly nasty. Despite the fact he wants to stay married and make it work, I'm ready to kill him tonight, pathetic moron.. Feeling crap tonight..

OWH=Other woman's husband.

Did you read the exposure thread I posted?

Yes making an exposure Plan and will implement via personal email. I finally have a plan phew! But feeling so trapped and down at the moment.

1366, how is your exposure going? Please don't get bogged down by 'planning to make a plan' - get your list together and work the plan. And please definitely put the Other Woman's Husband at the top of the list.

Let us know your progress on this.