Originally Posted by Here24Help


I’ve tried myself to try to see if I could grow to enjoy it with him, but can’t get past the horrific over-sexualization and fan-service involved. I’m aware or the mutual agreement policy, but that doesn’t make me feel less controlling. I fear he will resent me for taking away something he cares so much about.



Hello Here24help, welcome to Marriage Builders. It is not "controlling" to ask your spouse to stop doing something that bothers you. It is controlling to force you to put up with something that bothers you. The greatest risk of resentment would be on your side, not his. He might be disappointed initially at giving up some activities that bother you, but that disappointment fades once that activity is replaced with something else. On the other hand, you are being set up for years of resentment if he won't give up an activity that clearly bothers you. Everytime he views these cartoons, your resentment is triggered. Check this out:

Quote
from Effective Marriage Counseling pg 112-113

What about Resentment?
One of the most common objections to to the POJA is that it creates resentment when it is followed. I agree; it does usually create some resentment. But far more resentment is created when it is not followed. An illustration will make this important point.

George is invited to watch football with his friend Sam. He tells his wife, Sue, that he plans to accept the invitation. Sue objects.

If George goes ahead and watches the game, he's guilty of independent behavior. He is not following the POJA and Sue will be resentful. When George does something against the wishes of Sue, I call her resentment type A.

If George follows the POJA and doesn't accept Sam's invitation, then George will be resentful. When George is prevented from doing something because of Sue's objections I call this resentment type B.

Which type of resentment makes the largest love bank withdrawals: type A or type B? The answer is type A, and thats why the POJA helps build love bank balances. I'll explain.

When G violates the POJA, Sue has no choice but to feel the effect of the thoughtless decision [love bank withdrawals] for as long as memory persists - possibly for life whenever the event is recalled. But when George follows the POJA, the negative effect is limited in time. It only lasts as long as it takes to discover an enjoyable alternative that is acceptable to Sue.

George lets Sue know how disappointed he is with her objection but is willing to discuss other options. Sue wasn't invited to watch football and doesn't want to invite herself to Sam's house so she suggests inviting Sam and his wife to their house to watch football. George calls Sam, he and his wife accept, and the new activity puts an end to George's type B resentment.

Type A resentment can last forever, but type B resentment stops the moment a mutually enjoyable alternative is discovered. Those with poor negotiating skills may have trouble seeing the difference because they have not learned how to resolve conflicts. They may feel resentment about a host of issues that have been unresolved in their marriage. But after you teach a couple to negotiate successfully, unresolved issues are minimized. Then it becomes clear to them that the POJA helps build Love Bank balances by eliminating type A resentment.