A long time ago I made some notes about ways I had learned I was making disrespectful judgments towards my wife. I was very oblivious to this, but I was doing it all the time. It made it impossible to win her over to the idea of putting Marriage Builders into practice in our marriage.
Here's my list. It was hard to eliminate these, but we made basically no progress until I did.
sarcasm criticism judgment: stating that their perspective is wrong “should” lecturing / attempting to educate gestures, facial expressions, body language expressing surprise or shock at an opinion or feeling or belief saying that something is “obvious” (in other words, you “should’ realize this or “should” know it) disrespecting your spouse’s feelings instead of accepting the fact that they do feel that way guilting, shaming hyperbolizing always/never exaggerated words scolding name-calling, labeling saying or doing something you know your spouse identifies as disrespectful comparisons: I would never treat you that way; if I had done such a horrible thing as you, I’d be more willing to make up for it defensiveness minimizing – “just” – you just say that because … [Translation: I don’t have to address your complaint] psychoanalyzing your spouse explaining away your spouse’s feelings or complaints attributing motivations blaming, fault-finding expecting your spouse to read your mind I statements may help, but are not an excuse for a disrespectful judgment: “I feel like {insert disrespectful judgment here}” is just as hurtful as saying the disrespectful judgment I feel unloved (still disrespectful) I feel like you don’t love me (still disrespectful)
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