A long time ago I made some notes about ways I had learned I was making disrespectful judgments towards my wife. I was very oblivious to this, but I was doing it all the time. It made it impossible to win her over to the idea of putting Marriage Builders into practice in our marriage.

Here's my list. It was hard to eliminate these, but we made basically no progress until I did.


sarcasm
criticism
judgment: stating that their perspective is wrong
“should”
lecturing / attempting to educate
gestures, facial expressions, body language
expressing surprise or shock at an opinion or feeling or belief
saying that something is “obvious” (in other words, you “should’ realize this or “should” know it)
disrespecting your spouse’s feelings instead of accepting the fact that they do feel that way
guilting, shaming
hyperbolizing
always/never
exaggerated words
scolding
name-calling, labeling
saying or doing something you know your spouse identifies as disrespectful
comparisons: I would never treat you that way; if I had done such a horrible thing as you, I’d be more willing to make up for it
defensiveness
minimizing – “just” – you just say that because … [Translation: I don’t have to address your complaint]
psychoanalyzing your spouse
explaining away your spouse’s feelings or complaints
attributing motivations
blaming, fault-finding
expecting your spouse to read your mind
I statements may help, but are not an excuse for a disrespectful judgment:
“I feel like {insert disrespectful judgment here}” is just as hurtful as saying the disrespectful judgment
I feel unloved (still disrespectful)
I feel like you don’t love me (still disrespectful)