Dr Harley answered your letter on the radio show on 27th September. To summarise for those who didn't hear it:

He said to first, look at the latest version of HNHN. In the latest edition, you will not see the word "specific" in relation to identifying emotional needs. He said he has refined his advice in the various editions over the years in response to comments from his various editors. His women editors forced him to look at the question of attractiveness from a woman's point of view. A woman's body will change with childbearing and with ageing. Men are known to want women to stay the same as when they were first married, but they need to learn that, from the point of view of the body and appearance, this is unrealistic..

Dr Harley said that he now talks about a "healthy" weight, rather than an ideal weight. He said he agrees with your nutritionist about it not being emotionally healthy for you to try and lose more weight. He said that - not just a nutritionist but also a doctor would probably tell you not to lose any more weight. He said that he "highly recommends" that your husband gets used to the idea that he has a healthy attractive wife. Dr Harley was trying to get across that his "attractive spouse" category in general (not just for you) is about being healthy and not simply being an unrealistic ideal that is probably not healthy.

Dr Harley said that the meeting of ENs needs to be based on an enthusiastic agreement on how the need is to be met and on the final goal. (The final goal is not what just one of you desires it to be.)

Dr Harley said he would argue (to your husband) that you probably are meeting his his need for an attractive spouse. You are not failing to meet that need. Dr Harley suspects that if questioned, your husband would admit that you meet his need for attractiveness - it's just that he would like you to lose those extra 15lbs as well. He likened this position to the man that would like to have sex every day (maybe more than once a day), but who only has sex twice a week. His wife is not failing to meet his need for sex; more that she is not doing as much as he would like - but that is not failing to meet a need. The wife is meeting it to some extent, and it's the same with your weight and attractiveness.

He said you need to talk about your making your husband happy in a way that makes you happy also. You seem to have achieved equilibrium on this and your husband will need to learn to appreciate what you do for him (in terms of attractiveness).

So I would say that Dr Harley is entirely on your side, and he can see that you have done lot of work -with a nutritionist! Not many of us go that far to meet a need - and that he was convinced that you must already be meeting your husband's need for attractiveness.

There is a suggestion above that you put this issue aside and concentrate on having dates, but Dr Harley does not advise people in that way, as you can see. The expression of a need is legitimate and needs to be addressed directly.