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DW and I often talk for a few minutes before going to sleep, even if we don't go to sleep at the same time. I usually go to bed after her. She usually is doing work right before going to bed, and I've often waited 10 to 30 minutes for her to finish up her work before we get a few minutes together - the whole time thinking it's just 'one more minute'. This night, I didn't want to sit there in bed waiting for her, so I told her I'd be in my office. I asked her to come get me when she was done so we'd have some time to talk together before she fell asleep. She did not take that well. She told me what time she'd be done, and she clearly implied that she wasn't going to come get me. She was upset, and I walked away partially confused, mostly hurt (that I apparently wasn't worth a few steps to my office), and pretty much resolved to skip the conversation and just let her go to sleep that night.
Back in my office, I was reading this message board and thinking about what just happened. I realized that she took my request as a demand, so I assume I delivered it as a demand. When I had shared my request/demand, my frustration at often waiting around for her was on my mind, and that came out in a frustrated (and possibly judging) tone of voice. I had recognized the tone of voice at the time and apologized immediately, but based on her reaction I clearly still delivered it as a selfish demand.
A little bit later, it was the time that she had said she would be finished. I went back to the bedroom. After waiting 20 minutes until she was actually done with her work, I told her that what I did was a selfish demand, and she agreed, calling it "Obnoxious!" I apologized and she said she forgave me, but that was pretty much the entire conversation. It was a pretty cold conversation.
I'm not sure what my question is, if anything. The Love Busters categories helped me to name and see what I had done. Without them, I don't think I would've gone back to apologize. I probably would've just been feeling hurt for a few days - still thinking, "She doesn't think a conversation with me is even worth a couple dozen steps out of her way."
I printed out the Love Busters questionnaire and asked her to fill it out at her leisure. I get the feeling I'm doing more of this stuff without realizing it. Comments welcome, but really this is just a way to start our thread.
Background:
I've read HNHN and Love Busters, along with most of the articles, etc. on this website. I've listened to a few programs and read some of the old threads here on the message board.
We're in our 40s, 18yrs married, 1st marriage for both, 3 kids from middle school to high school.
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