I know that success it a slow and never ending goal but does any one know of a couple that made it passed an affair? Do they feel closer or always have that scar reminding them? How about a deep resentment? I fear that this crisis may stop me from feeling completely (safe) connected to H as I was before. H has a BIG family and I feel like a fish in a bowl as they watch us struggle. Would be nice to hear a couple that are truely happy once again. Thanks & Take Care,<BR> BECCA<BR>

Becca,<BR>I read your story and how I feel for you, with the relatives all agog--UGH!! But congradulations on working on your marriage!! <BR>It is so hard in a double-betrayal.<P>Thank you for asking this question! I hope I have the story you are looking for: the answer is YES!! I am going to say we are, say, 85-90% recovered after one year+4months. <BR>I've read it takes 2 years and we might be a little ahead because we were able to move halfway around the world from the OW and our relatives, so it's just us, the kids, and our counselor! Are we closer: yes. Deep resentment: sometimes (we have a reminder and complication in that OW had his child), but not often enough to poison our current relationship; (I try to minimize my pain and share with him when I need to). Do I feel completely safe: again, 85-90%, because HE has done everything right, doing everything recommended for recovery. I think that will narrow to @95% eventually, but I will always be watchful in a way I would not have been, and maybe that is not a bad thing, eh? Are we truly happy: yes. I would not kid you, Becca. I did not know if it would be possible when we started on this journey, but I have honestly felt good cheer and happiness. It is not constant, but the "bad" days get fewer with time. The affair will always be a part of our history, but so will other things, good and bad, you know? We are both very grateful to have each other to share and be strong with. We are handling everything by mutual agreement now, and that is good! <BR>

Thanks Jen,<BR> It is so good to hear that things wofked out for you both. It must have been a nightmare when you found out OW was pregnant. It amazes me what people can survive! Wish we could move away like you . I worry about bumping into the OW all the time. We live in the same area-she even visits freinds 3 houses up from mine! I may kill her! She was my freind, no one in the family liked her & then I took her under my wing and helped join the family. Being freindly has been a mistake. Can't believe she refuses to contact me (letter) to say sorry! I wrote a letter saying how I felt- you know- unload all the anger. It took me 6mths. to be able to do so and I felt better as soon as it hit the mail box! Very afraid of contact!!!!<BR>I have the feeling that sometimes that H & I will make it because we had a good start at a relationship. What happened is still somewhat a mystery but from the posts I read they often are. Thanks again for the sense of hope Take Care,<BR> BECCA

Becca:<P>Read my profile for an update on the success of our recovery after my W (Petunia, who sometimes posts here) had her affair. We're 8 months into recovery and are MUCH better off than even <I>before</I> the affair. Both of us wish we could go back and let her take back her decision to cheat, but we can't. It happened and now it's over and we must move on.<P>I know there are others who are in various stages of recovery. Some successes so far besides Me and Petunia would be:<P>1. DuncanMac and Suse.<BR>2. Empty Shell and Hopeful<BR>3. RJR #2 and her H (whom I call "Bill")<BR>4. Knifed and his W (whom I don't think posts here)<BR>5. K and his wife.<P>Am I missing anyone? (I'm sure I must be).<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<p>[This message has been edited by Lone Star (edited November 22, 1999).]

Becca<BR>I know some ladies with Fabulous success stories. <BR>I'll see if I can flag them down for ya'.<P>------------------<BR>Forgiveness is the scent of violets on the heel that crushed it.<BR>WS<BR>

Thanks for the hope everyone, I look forward to the day I can join you with my success.<P>Love you All,<P>Bill

Hiya,<P>I think my H and I should be on the list of successes....it's been a year since the whole mess started and coming up to a year since discovery. We didn't get into any real recovery until the end of Feb of this year. That was when he decided that continuing in that relationship was going to destroy his world. <P>Since then we have moved to a new city and started fresh. The OW always lived a long way away and still does thank God. I don't think I could handle the idea of bumping into her at the grocery store. <P>It's been a tough year with lots of tears but also lots of laughter as we learn to love each other again. Lately things have been very good. My birthday was last Friday and he made it special for me. I know he felt bad that last year he was with HER and I was all alone. <P>I think, for me, realising that punishing him for the past and hanging on to my bitterness and hurt have been key to getting past this. I try to look to the future and make a new relationship with him and he feels the same. Sometimes I get bogged down with the pain but those moments are becoming less frequent and taking far less time to get over. My H is great about it...I can usually handle them but when it's bad I just ask for a hug. <P>I rememeber those first days of discovery when I wanted to just die to get away from the pain. It does get better with time although then I didn't beleive it. I didn't think I would ever trust him again. Of course now that trust is not blind...I think there will always be that little self preservation instinct but for the most part, as I see him being the man I married again, I am able to heal and not panic every time I see him walk out the door or talk to somebody online.<P>Anyway...I feel like I sound like a cliche. But time is the great healer...also check out the post Sheba made about the holidays/social events and how to make them happier in this stressful time. She has some super points that if we had treated each other that way since our wedding days then this possibly might not have happened.<P>Hang in there...there are successes out there. <P>Jodi<p>[This message has been edited by JodiC (edited November 22, 1999).]

WOW! I didn't realize so many couples access this forum together. Does it prevent you from saying things in fear of hurting your spouse ie. vent,recall events....? I feel protective of this support because I have no one else. H really has no one either but doesn't seem to need to talk as much since I got hurt more.<BR>JodiC-I try and think of our relationship as reborn in a way too. Trying vainly to create new and different memories. It was wonderful to hear you see your H as a good person who made a mistake. Thanks for sharing your feeling.<BR>lonestar&Wasstubborn-Thanks for the help. It's nice to hear so many couples are making it passed. Still I feel like a fool,weak and stupid for letting H stay instead of saving face/self-worth and demanding he leave.***Keep thinking thats how people view my decision****H says the opposite but his word is not worth so much lately.<BR>All of the responses remind me that these feelings will pass with time.Being happy and proud of my marriage can be in my future! Got to stay positive! <BR> Tace Care'<BR> BECCA

Hi Becca,<BR>I got the smoke signals from Wasstubborn that I should check your post, so here I am. <P>My H and I are a success story. We have been married 30 years and he ended a long term affair in Jan98 upon my discovery. Unfortunately I had not discovered this site during my suspicions and discovery, therefore we didn't do everything according to Harley's suggestions. I found the MB forum in March of 98 and we have followed his suggestions for rebuilding and it's working wonderfully. Thanks to everyone on this forum! <P>We are 22 months into the rebuilding of our marriage and I am amazed at the progress we have made. It's alot of work and patience for both of you but it is possible. Upon discovery, I really had my doubts if we could swing this, but we have done so and continue to make progress each week, each month.<P>You ask about resentment,,,yes, it's still there but not with the intensity of the past. Anger and hurt too,,not as often, not as raw, not as gut wrenching. And it passes,,,and the good days will far outnumber the bad,,,,and the bad days become fewer and fewer. <P>Are we closer? Much closer, and willing and able to express that feeling much more freely. We talk now. Alot. About everything. Not so often about the affair anymore. Very rarely. In the beginning, we trashed that thing upside down and backwards, so there's not much left to say about that. In the last 22 months, he has had NO contact with her and gives me absolutely no reason to wonder where he is or what he's doing. <P>And as to family or friends that aren't supportive,,,,I have no room for them in my life. Few know,, and those that do understand that he made a mistake,,a terrible mistake but we have chosen to save our marriage. They have to respect our decision. And it was not, nor is not, a matter of me being "weak". I am strong,,, strong enough to fight to save our marriage, our relationship, and our love. You can make it and you won't be sorry. Wishing you the best of luck

Hi Becca, I also got the smoke signals, thanks wassy !<P>I'm another succes story. Affair with coworker is over for over a year ( lasted about 4/months ). Our marriage is stronger than before, and we're having the time of our lives <P>As for feelings of ressentment or negative memories... well they come up sometimes. Which in a way is good. We will never forget it happened not because we want to hurt each other with it, but because that memory will keep reminding us that our marriage is something we need to pay attention to and needs to be kept strong. <P>Many people also tryed to make me feel bad for fighting for my marriage instead of getting him to leave. I didn't really pay much attention to them. They knew nothing of our situation, we did. I didn't feel weak for staying. I felt strong. I was fighting for something I believed in, and I was right <P>I have to go now, but I'll check in here later.<P>Good luck to you.<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Would it have been easier to die than to live through this year? Yes (don't worry, I am anything but suicidal)<P>Is there scars? Yes, probibly always.<P>Are we closer? Yes, and I always thought I had a good marriage. The difference is the effort my H has put into it in his own way.<P>If I could choose between the growth or a marriage without this scar, which would I choose?<P>I don't honestly know...but I'm glad we are together and we are a family.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

BECCA,<BR>I too got the smoke signal from WS, she must be having a "bon fire" again, but that is another story!<BR>Yes, recovery, RECOVERY, finally getting here after 22 mo. for me also, Nerlycrazy and I have gotten through this together, now it is WS's turn and Yours!<BR>My H's Bad Brain Period lasted 3 years till he tired of the lies and made his mind up to let me back in his life totally. I had no clue, he swears to this day it wasn't my fault in the least. WELL, after 2 months of back and forth, his withdrawl, we started healing. Counselling was a Major factor,,, to communicate his feeling for me, and for me to see that he wanted it to really work. My H isn't a talker.<BR>This was the end of the world for me. Besides the hurt, I gave him both barrels. <BR>My H took every thing I went through with open arms, was so remorseful, and did everything he could to help, convince, and restore the trust. Alot of work, alot of tears, alot of time.<BR>When I finally started giving him some compassion, there was a big change. I realized that he didn't set out to hurt me, so I forgave him for that, I will never forgive him for the affair. <BR>I was soo tired, my self esteem was at it's lowest. But, as we grew together, as we started to be happy by realizing that 30 years was alot to throw away, I regained my strength, my makeup went on better, my hair do started working and my self esteem plus my respect for him came back. <BR>There are so many stages, maybe some yet to come. There is still hurt, in both of us, for this happening in the first place. But, he saw that he might loose me, I saw that he truly loved me because he was here. He saw how much I loved him because I accepted him back.<BR>We have a strong marriage now, a deep love. OPEN eyes.<BR>I still have "Moments", I still have memories, they are fading every day. New memories are being made. <BR>I am happy to share my story. It's like a mission to help others be strong and to know that there is really life after death.<BR>The thing that really helps, is having friends who have gone through this like you have and they understand, they never tire of you and your feelings, you can talk and talk, work it out, get slaped in the face once in awhile when you need it, tell you that you aren't going crazy.<P>Almost Happy<P>---------<BR>TIME <P>

MY WIFE HAD A 2 MONTH AFFAIR ON ME BACK IN JULY. IT WAS VERY SHORT LIVED (ABOUT 2 MONTHS IN ALL) AND SHE SLEPT WITH HIM 4 TIMES. IT WAS THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER BEEN THROUGH. WE HAVE A BEAUTIFUL 19 MONTH OLD DAUGHTER WHO WAS WITH MY WIFE DURING THIS AFFAIR. THAT HURT WORSE THAN ANYTHING. WE ARE DOING BETTER NOW, HOWEVER, THAN WE EVER HAVE. WE FINALLY STARTED TO COMMUNICATE WHICH WE HAD NEVER REALLY DONE BEFORE. I THINK ABOUT IT STILL BUT IT GETS EASIER EVERY DAY. IM JUST GLAD SHES HOME AND THAT WERE A FAMILY AGAIN. SHE TELLS ME ALL OF THE TIME HOW SORRY SHE IS AND I BELIEVE HER. I HAVE SEEN A LOT OF DIFFERENCE IN HER. SO BEST OF LUCK. IT CAN HAPPEN.<P>MARK

Becca, I didn't get Wassy's smoke signal but I feel I qualify as a success story, just have been posting sporadically lately and probably didn't see it! Anyhow, my H ended his affair after a major threat by me (I don't recommend anyone try this at home! ) But we are making it. It's been the hardest 13 months ever but I believe I wouldn't change a thing. It's hard to understand but without the affair I wouldn't be where I am today and I am happier in my marriage than I had ever been! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

Me having a bonfire? What on earth would I burn? <BR>Thanks ladies. <BR>See Becca - I told you there were some fabulous ones.<BR>Listen to these ladies. They have been very insrumental in giving me the hope I needed.<BR>And about what other people think - don't even worry about it. No one knows what they would do until they've walked in your shoes.<BR>I had a very enlightening experience last night on just that very topic. May post about it later.<BR>All that matters is that you know what you want. Everyone else's opinion is just that - an opinion!

We are a success story (my H has posted a couple of times under ST01).<P>I discovered affair (started on the internet) in Sept. 98--H claimed they were "just good friends"). We separated. I filed for divorce in Nov. 98 when OW came down to live with him for a week. The period between Nov. 98 and March 99 was VERY rocky. H's attitude started to change in the beginning of March 99. I discovered hard evidence of sexual affair on March 19 and H confessed all but said he had already ended it the last time he was with her, the last weekend in Feb.<P>We are 8 months in recovery. Counseling has helped tremendously, both individual and family. Our teenage sons were GREATly affected by this--don't let anyone tell you children aren't.<P>We will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary in April 2000. !<P>I am so thankful I listened to God--after I filed for divorce I had a feeling come over me I had never experienced; I had "signs" everywhere that God didn't want me to end this marriage. It's at that time that I "stumbled" onto this site. I'm so thankful I listened to the people here--Almost Happy, Nerlycrzy, K, LaurieC and HGBrawner (who do not post anymore) and many others who gave me encouragement and hope to fight for my marriage when it would have been easier to just end it and go on--WHAT A MISTAKE THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN! For me, for my H, and for our sons!<P>My story is similar to Almost Happy & Nerlycrzy's--my H has done everything possible to make up for his mistake. A lot of the issues were with himself and he has taken the steps to deal with them. Like most long-term marriages, we had slowly drifted apart and weren't communicating or spending time with each other.<P>Our sons are getting to know the man I fell in love with--he is such a good father. What right did I have to deny my H or my sons the second chance he wanted to make things right this time?<P>No, the pain and memories do not disappear. I still have my private moments of hurt and grief from triggers that can't be controlled. But I can control my response to them. I don't always succeed, but the difference is now that my H and I talk them through until we come to an understanding rather than carry an angry grudge around.<P>BECCA, if you love your H, please give it time. It is worth it.

Hi-<P>My whole ordeal has only been about 1 1/2 months old now since I found out of my H's affair. He told me he wanted out of my life and hasn't been happy for 10 years (of course, there's always a lot of exaggeration on the part of the betrayer because they have to somehow justify what they did). We are now progressing very well. It took me leaving with the kids for home (another state) and I wasn't bluffing - I was going to see a lawyer. The last straw was finding him at McD's with OW when he told me he was working late and couldn't make it home for dinner with us. I wouldn't recommend doing this unless you truly mean it, but it shook him up quite a bit. He discovered that his relationship with his two little boys was far more important than her. He told me he'd end it if I came home, and he has. I finally began to believe that only last night. It's hard to believe because he has to work with this woman, but I do believe him (however, not blindly, my eyes are wide open). We're at the end of the 3-week period after ending the affair now. In fact, he is pretty turned off by all women at this point (he tells me women suck - and right now that semi-includes me). All the while, when I ask, he absolutely insists that he is not carrying on any type of relationship with the OW in any way, shape or form anymore. He's doing so many things to try to win back my trust.<P>Where I see progress is he is really trying to make our lives better at home. He comes home at a decent hour. He is sweet and kind to me, not real affectionate because there is some withdrawal I can see, but I can see affection slowly returning. We are initimate again (big time), but I usually have to initiate it. He wants to do family outings, we're going on a mini-vacation this weekend that was his idea. Any talk about anything "future" has returned to his vocabulary when it refers to me. And when I go beserk, he doesn't like it, but understands it. I'm almost over my beserk stages because I feel like trust isn't unsurmountable anymore.<P>This doesn't mean we're out of the woods. All I can say is that I feel I'm finally able to get past the affair part, and move on to restoring love in our marriage. Before last night, the affair was a huge roadblock in my mind that wouldn't let me. We had a serious talk last night that was so good.<P>About the affair: I don't know the details. All I know is when it started, how many times they slept together, and that he felt she was his "soul mate". I don't even know who she is. At this point, that's probably best. He has said that in time he will tell me anything I want to know, but seriously, there's not much I want to know about it. Now when he refers to her, he doesn't talk about the soul mate crap anymore, only that sleeping with her was only because he was vulnerable (job change, family in another state, marital, money and family strife, also being "single" for 3 months without us etc.). I think he's finally seeing it for what it really was - REALITY has set in some how.<P>I am also not someone who did Plan A perfectly. In fact, I did mostly anti-Plan A I think (Plan C as I've heard it called). I had a hard time with it. I just used a lot of honesty and tried not to play any mind games to get him back. Well, that's not altogether true either. I did and said anything sneeky I could to turn him against her without him realizing it, unfortunately now he says all women suck, so there I go. That's what I get for that. <P>I realize it takes a lot of people a lot longer to get to this point. I believe it's real tho and he's not fooling me. I've gotten to be an expert at the difference. Today is like my birthday to me! It's the first day of not having the "affair" hanging over my head. It's the first day I can concentrate on the "us" in our marriage and I can't wait for him to get home. We are going to have a wonderful weekend. I can actually have a positive outlook and live it now. I can't say I feel our marriage is stronger now, but I feel like that is the way it will go.<P>I've also had a, I believe, huge bunch of people praying for us and I give God all the credit for turning this around. I handed it over to Him. He's much stronger than I am, and I still place our marriage in His hands. He amazes me. I thank Him and praise Him (and you have to even when it's not going so good).<P>God bless all here who are trying so hard (and that includes me still cause I realize it's not over by a long shot).<P><BR>Kathy

To the top for neen!

Hi there,<BR> I don't post mch anymore, but I do come in and check up on my friends now and then and I saw your post and had to reply.<BR> My H had an affair with a co-worker that lasted about 3 months. During that time we were working on our marriage and I thought we were doing so weel. He was under alot of work stress and wasn't very open about feelings, but we were spending more time together and getting closer. Then he dropped the bomb on me and told me about her. She was going to be a secret and then she decided she wanted to keep him and not only told her husband, but started telling otheres at work and he was affraid I would hear(I work for the smae company).<BR> When he told me he wasn't sure what he wanted and so he moved out.<BR> I was shocked, destroyed, hurt beyond hurt and never thought we had any kind of a chance to make it.<BR> I knew this women, and she has met my kids, and I couldn't believe any of it was happening to us.<BR> He was gone for 3 days of pure hell for me and then came home for another 4 months of pain and torture while she continued to keep contact with him.<BR> He ended up getting fired from a very high paying job because of her and the entire company we work for knows everything thanks to her.<BR> It has been a long and painful road and I wouldn't wish it on anyone (except her) but I must honestly say we are so much closer and in love now than ever before.<BR> I know that sounds strange, and I would never have beleived it myself if I hadn't lived it.<BR> It has been 18 months now and we treasure our live together every moment of every day.<BR> I still have bad days and I might alway, and I still resent her and hate that I never told her how I felt or got a simple I 'm sorry from her, but it when I feel bad I have this wonderful caring man to hold me and make it all go away.<BR> I think the secret to making it work is complete honesty. Let them know every minute of every day how much you love them and need their love.

HI,<BR> How about some success stories for us male betrayed? And W's come back??

To the top for FA.

To the top for FA<P>--------TIME

Add another one to the list...<P>My wife had an affair in Mar. of '99 and I filed for divorce immediately but was also unknowingly implementing Plan A.<P>She came back and I found this site(THANK GOD) and we had counseling from Steve Harley.<P>It was a slow process but she gradually came through withdrawal and we began rebuilding.<P>I have to say that she says that she has never been so happy and I feel the same way. In some ways, things are much better now than when we were dating. Yes, resentment and anger crops it ugly head for me every now and then but not much anymore. The key to that is both of our needs are being met. How can I be angry when she is telling me how much she loves and admires me? Sometimes she can sense the sorrow and can nip it in the bud with just a quick comment or kiss.<P>I working hard to meet all of her needs and she now thanks me for sticking with her through her "fog". She calls it her "YEAR OF MISTAKES".<P>So yes, there are still bumps in the road, but because of the Harly principles, we know how to confront them and hopefully learn from them.<P>IT CAN BE DONE, AND DONE MUCH BETTER!!!

Becca,<P>My H and I have survived an affair that although I hoped and never wanted to admit it to myself or anyone else, I didn't think we would get back to gether let alone be happy but we have done it.<P>This time last year, I never thought that I would be back with my H and happy this year. As a matter of fact, this is a topic that came up just last night.<P>When we first got back together, I had resentment and everything reminded me of the OW & my H. I was very insecure, always wondering if he was thinking about her, missing her, wanting to be with her, & regretting coming back to me.<P>These feelings I think are normal but they do fade. Whenever you get burned, you are always a little leary of what burned you and you use it with a lot more caution for awhile but after some time passes, you don't feel as leary anymore.<P>Do I still have thoughts of them? Do I still feel hurt over the whole thing? Do I still hold some resentment? <P>The answer to all of those questions is "YES", but not the way I did. Its not something that I think will quite ever go away completely but it does not upset me, overwhelm me, or consume me the way it once did.<P>So finally the answer to your question as to if it ever gets better and if you can ever be happy again, a thousand times YES!!!!!<P>Genie

WOW! I was surprise to see some new responses on this post. I'm a slow healer, I guess, since it has been 8mths. and I still feel insecure about the future. It is like what someone else had said, "when he says he loves me I involuntarily think but..."You have all shead some light on the fact that I can survive this and so can my marriage. I hope this post has given others that sense of hope also. Take Care,<BR> BECCA

I guess I saw this post when I "discovered" this forum 2 weeks ago, but then I was too blind to read or write anything that wasn't about suffering and regrets. We have a long way to go since W is still in the midst of the affair, but thanks to this site- and people like Genie (specially Genie), WilliamJ (Bill), Medic, NSR (Jim), hanora, Roll Me Away and many others who reply to my posts or simply have great things to say on their own posts, I know that success can be achieved with enough patience, enough courage and enough love.<P>Thank you BECCA, for posting this topic.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn

Becca,<BR>HI , I just saw this post, don'tknow how I missed it before. I am the betrayed H. My W had an E.A., close to sex I think, she says it would not have happened, she just wanted a "friend" to talk to, I was not meeting her emotional needs! I admit this. I caught the EA in time , they had some kissing, hugs, lots of talk time, phone and several inpersons prior to the big intimate kissing (horizontal by the way! in a park!no less)<BR>but anyway...I look at it as wake up call from God, nothing less. I am a believer, I also thinks this helps my perspective and attitude towards the OM. We are doing great only after 3 months! Yes I think about it, not as much as the first 30-60 days. I have spoken with the OM, he is sorry and remorseful, he is married, his W does not know. We see the OM weekly at our childs sporting practices and games. He is one of the other fathers. Yes its awkward but our children don't know and we want to keep it that way. So we stayed on the team for his sake. We are reading the Five Love Languages together by G.Chapman, I highly suggest it.In addition to Harley's books. <BR>I am even sending a copy to the OM and his W for Christmas, they need it as much as we did! Many have said here that EA are just as bad as if they went "all the way", Yes its been a tough road, but I still think it would have been much harder with sex involved. I know from prior expr to my marriage with 2 girls that I had premarital sex with that I still "feel" a connection to them, more so than other past girlfriends. God made sex that way to be for a married couple not to do when it feels right...ok off my soap box.<BR>WE are doing great, still talking lots abou it, she told me every detail they did and talked about, tough but better than my imagination. God created marriage, The enemy wants to destroy it.<P>------------------<BR>jnvc<P>

There ar a lot of success stories here!! It is great to read them. We are 13 mos from discovery of the last affair and 11 mos from divuling all of the affairs over the yrs. My h is doing great, for the most part, and we are healing. A little slow, but that's okay-there was a lot of extra baggage being toted around. Me-I still have some unresolved issues but will heal. My h is gone a lot, so we are slow!! cl