denial - 01/17/00 01:59 PM
we are divorced, yet i still fell married and i cannot stop contacting her. The longest I have been is 6 days. Everytime I see something that reminds me of her - movies, music, products, etc. - i wanna call her and tell her.\<BR>I miss her so much.<BR>Am I holding on to something that dosen't exist? Why am I DOING THAT? Why am I causing myself pain and keep going back for me. I hat the fact that we dont talk anymore. I hate the fact that we didnt talk for so long. I also hate the fact that I act " needy" around her, that I miss her so much. That when the phone rings - I hope its her. Yet, it never is. I want so bad for the good old days.<BR>I want her to get over the pain and on my time - not hers or someone elses. In one of my posts - i wrote her a letter that she wouldnt get.I wish i could send it to her, and maybe it would change her mind.<BR>I guess its just the powerlessness over other people that drives me nuts. Especially when it comes to her.<BR>I dont mean to make her sound ungrateful - she tried for sooo long to help us out, she wanted to go to counseling, met my needs, and yet all i did was take and give back meagerly. All about my ego.<P>When does the pain stop - .<P>When do i FEEL WHOLE AGAIN?<P>I dont want to become one of these jaded people afraid or hurt by love and afraid to try again. Yet, its sucks to hold on to something that dont wanna be held.<P>OUCH - one big ouchy today. Dip in the ride. Or maybe its over- and I dant get that thru my big, thick, dumb nugget.